All Comments on 'Blame David and Bathsheba'

First, I was SO turned off by the religios and descrption of CHP, I had a hard time getting into the story. Second, you jumped so quickly into the sex, your readers again had no time to get into it, no seduction, just wham-bam sex. Perhaps you should have spent less time describing the religion and more time warming up the sex.

As a lifelong Texan, I've often dealt with what you describe in what would prompt a kid or adult to join something like the CHP. I did the church group thing myself at the same age for a lot of the same reasons, and while I'd have welcomed the attentions of a horny older woman, aunt or not, it didn't happen. So that's why I love the story's plot.

I love how you contrast the suburban social club with the holy rollers and how the secular and fundamental sex education both failed Howard when confronted with

his delightfully horny aunt.

My big critique of your story is that I feel like Howie's aunt is exploiting his naivete and frustrated hormones for her own selfish purposes and not thinking of the consequences terribly hard. Sure, it ends happy, Howie being fascinated with his aunt's pregnancy and them becoming a happy couple.

I know it's a fantasy and all, but I don't feel like love really played much of a role here in the story's arc.

I feel grossly hypocritical because, I LOVE the fantasy of inbreeding mothers and aunts boinking their sons and nephews and making their own families. You write those scenarios exceedngly well. In practically every story I've read of yours, I'd be happy to be the son or nephew. You build up the love between the boy and woman in a believable and poignant way. Not so much this time.

but please don't write more gems such as this one:

<P><I>

A smiling negligee clad Sheba greeted him at the breakfast table.

</I><P>

I've no idea what a <I>smiling negligee</I> is. Is it perhaps a new fashion idea?

<P>

Otherwise, good characterizations, spot-on depiction of the hypocrisy rampant in organized religion, and a feel-good ending made for an entertaining read. Thank you.

CHP stands for the infamous California Highway Patrol. It's fuckin' difficult to associate the CHP with eroticism, sorry. <p>

All that CHP nonsense should have been deleted. But, then, again, silly "editors" voted this their "hot"/"editors'" choice! It goes to show...

I liked how you panned organized religion. It appears that the majority are filled with hyprocrites.

The story was a bit long - shortening the beginning and creating more sexual tension before the sex scene would have been nice.

I don't understand why this story got an "E". When I see that I am expecting an Exceptional story. I found this one to be stilted, with spelling/grammar errors and a bit boring. Besides the titillating jabs at religion I can only ask - "where's the beef?"

Your work is well done, as shown by the quality of the comments you have received.

Take heart, as well as constructive comments, and carry on as you desire.

We enjoy and thank you.

The doctrine of certain holier-than-thou groups was delightfully skewered here. I thought the Bathsheba/David analogy was skillfully used. Your writing was a pleasure to read.

i really had some great laughs reading the story. though the story lacked description of sheba, it was enjoyable. hope the author improves.

I thoroughly enjoyed your humor! I always kind of wondered how King David managed to become God's most favored, since he not only screwed Uriah's wife, but placed him at the forefront of his army, so he would be killed in battle. What a righteous man!??????

A couple of years ago, I would have said that it was a turn-off for mocking the church. Now however, I found it a good part of this story's plot!

As a former fundamentalist I love sacreligious themes and stories that slap the face of the 'hoilier than thou' people.

The sentiousness was weak but the originality (so rare...oh well...) boosts the value higher.

I want to write one that mirrors my own teenage fundamentalist frustrations with the protagonist being properly liberated rather than my own failure to leave that lifestyle sooner.

Keep it up.

seemed to jump about and the bull shit about religion just lost me....so he ended up with two pregnant women...vice is nice but incest is best

Anyone who uses "phlegmatic" here gets my vote.

true what they say...there are more hypocrites sitting in church on a Sunday than what stay away....two faced heathens.....

I loved your story,with lots of tongue in cheek. I would have liked it if you had dwelt much more on the workings of the CHP. I wished that they carefully measured young men for chastity devices which they wore proudly for a week at a time, gaining huge prestige in the community.They were unlocked weekly for cleaning and refitting, by devout young,very chaste, female members. Of course, in this interval, they would be handcuffed, with hands behind their backs. The ceremony over, all the men in cages once more, there would be loud singing and firebrand preaching,with many many hallelujahs. No wonder then that the church was so well attended.

But there other churches. I have thought of a fiery Welsh preacher,the Reverend Eli Jenkins, always on about the apocalypse and Hell Fire. He has a huge following among young women,but thunderously preaches chastity and frugality,so that the coffers be filled. Gradually,it is learned that he has been discovered sleeping with a young woman,retribution is promised but it is too late. He has fled to America with large amounts of cash. The young woman had been sworn to secrecy about their ultra secret affair. It is rumoured that he has started a very strict church,attended by many young women. Meanwhile, it becomes known that every young woman in the parish he fled is pregnant,and many married women who had tried to become pregnant by their husbands for years.... In America,he is gradually discovered,but it is too late,he has fled with a large amount of money. There are rumours that he has started a church,very different from this last,but attended by large numbers of young women. Gradually,in this recent parish,every young woman is found to be pregnant,and many married ladies....and on and on.

I do hope that you will pick up the idea, Moondrift.

I shall pray for you - mainly that you write more stories as much fun as this one.

writing's about scum of the earth people...sick story