All Comments on 'Borrowing His Body Ch. 04'

Devlin was always articulate and eloquent in his speech, but this time he sounds like a pompous professor who needs to get his head out of the thesaurus. His narration was difficult to read thanks to all of the unecessarily esoteric language.

Similarly, Jake seems to be turning into a caricature of a jock, with too much shallow self-admiration to remain a sympathetic character.

I found the previous chapters to be intelligent and sexy as hell, but this time I was left feeling irritated by your protagonists and unsatisfied by the lack of plot development.

Yeah, I have to agree with anon. I...didn't really understand what I was reading, in that it didn't feel like the same characters at all. I don't recall Devlin sounding so..mechanical before, and Jake? Oh my lord, he was -not- that obnoxious in the previous chapters. The characters felt really flat. I didn't pick up on any of the chemistry, the tension between them like I did before, and I saw absolutely no reason- either through their thoughts or their brief interaction- for them to give a shit about each other at all.

Got a little confused in this chapter but still enjoying the story.

Keep writing.

Looking forward to more. Very interesting concept.

:)

I.agree with anon and SanguineAffair. I don't know if you're experimenting or if you left this alone for too long but this chapter goes nowhere and is a diservice to your characters. Dev was smart but his monologues sounded plausible before; here it seems like you took a thesaurus and picked the hardest words instead of what sounded natural. That was the weirdest, most disappointing part.

Still, I look forward to more of th is story. Hopefully this was just a bit of a bump (we all fall into those) and you'll find your rhythm again.

Since it had been long enough since I'd read your first three chapters, I actually sat down and read through the entire series this evening. The writing tone for chapter 4 was so different, and stilted, that I actually wondered if someone else wrote it.

I LOVED the first three chapters, but this one was awful.

Devlin's intellectual banter was over the top. Like someone else said, it's like you grabbed a thesaurus and used the most complicated sounding words possible.

I didn't feel connected to either character in this chapter, and there was no forward plot movement at all. It took the last half of chapter three and rehashed it again. If you're still writing this story, cut this chapter, and start chapter four over again.

Ok, like the last commentor I had to go back and re-read b/c I really couldn't comment on any changes in characterization and other complaints without doing so. That is why it's a pain when there is so much time between postings...but people are kindly writing free stories for us so I guess we shouldn't complain.

Anyhow, one thing that I think you need to watch throughout all these chapters is that you must decide how to refer to things like possessions. For example, if I'm Devlin in Jake's body and I say I picked up his bag and took my car to go to school...notice the switch in the way I referred to belongings. I saw you switched back and forth quite often. It's already a bit confusing to begin with :) so pick how you are going to do it and keep it uniform. I think referring to things as 'his' is correct b/c he is using the other boy's stuff. So referring to it as my stuff may be correct for that moment in this body, but pick one and keep it the same.

That said, I think the criticism about using a thesaurus...well, I for one love seeing a word I don't know, but I guess that is a bit of the nerd (?) in me. I think as long as it was Devlin using the big words it fits b/c he (I am referring to the boy whose consciousness is in the body) is a nerd. He has been charcterized like that from the start. Hence (which was amusing), his worrying about a calc project more than the fact that they got switched back out of their bodies again.

I think the other issues can be summed up by saying there are continuity issues.

I felt like the narcicism of Jake where observing his body was a bit overdone. I know he has a healthy self-image and that is fine. But, I thought he was gonna orgasm just looking at himself. I also think that his crankiness seemed a bit excessive only b/c the night before, he comforted Devlin saying it wasn't his fault they were in one another's bodies. So, the next morning it doesn't make sense he'd suddenly be crazy angry and cranky with the kid. Yes, the situation is certainly a sucky situation that would frustrate you, but Jake seems to be able to navigate between being angry at the situation and being careful not to take it out on Devlin in the earlier chapters, mainly b/c he clearly likes the kid and has a soft spot for him. He doesn't like seeing him upset even when he's in his own muscle-bound body. The bad attitude also wouldn't bode well for romance and sex flaring shortly thereafter.

So, in all, I think the problem with the chapter was continuity. I think this happens alot when authors let time pass between writing...just as we must go back and re-read alot of the time to remember details, you should too. That way you keep continuity. Life is busy and even though the story is yours, you aren't going to remember weeks, months or however long after, how you did it exactly. I think any story should be looked at by an editor, beta reader, or at minimum, a friend or something. Get some feedback before posting and they can (hopefully) point out things like this. That way you avoid being ripped apart later :) This is a story that is a bit confusing so it can be easy to mix stuff up a bit. Keep writing. I like that it isn't something I've read over and over. HOpe to see an update sooner.

cannd

Write faster! Your prose is like smack, seriously, I'm so addicted to this story. It's as if you've got this Freaky Friday thing going on, but it's even better than Freaky Friday because they want to bone each other! I love it, you're a genius.

Thank you for your reassurance, cannd. It is most appreciated.

As many of you readers may have guessed, I left this story for about 7 months, during which I have been writing a lot more technically and theoretically for my own academic work. This must have seeped into my writing, though I must say I did not necessarily tone down any of my more grandiloquent vocabulary before. Writers change, though. Writing changes, and it isn't always easy to pick up dropped stories because characters change in the down time as well.

Anyway, I don't think I've characterized Devlin any differently here. He is, for the most part, just as stuffy, contemplative, reminiscent, pedantic as before.

Jake, on the other hand, has changed significantly. My attempts to embed his ironic commentary in parenthesis may have failed miserably, seeing as most of you read his body comments as "self-obsessed" when they were meant to underscore dour bits of irony.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I hope I'll please more with my next post! However, I must remind you all, this is a pleasure-writing experience. I want to shove words down your throats, I want to less-than-deftly layer in irony, and I enjoy the right to do so. I'm supplicating no one to read my work. I thank you nonetheless.

- erotic_synchronicity

You say you want to "shove words down our throats" and this is your problem, (I think you will find this is a problem with your academic writing too - your feedback will almost certainly bear me out). Words should seduce, cajole, entice, entreat and at the very least entertain. Your ridiculous use of the thesaurus to use words which are there for no other reason than to be "shoved down our throats" and more often than not are incorrect demonstrates what readers have been trying to tell you for several years. You are not demonstrating your intelligence or revealing your wordsmithery you are in fact showing that when you can't write honestly from a legitimate voice that you have created or that is your own you resort to nonsense from the thesaurus. Try supplicating to God for help or just lose the thesaurus.

if there is a chance to re-do this chapter, please consider it. Honestly, I want a Jake eager to get his body back, but who on the rim of his luck slightly considers that the nerd body is hot... but just as a subtle notion in his crappy current situation. On the other hand, I'd fucking love a Devlin forgetting bits of himself and become a cockier guy... any one would if suddenly controlling a huge musclebound quarterback. I want Jake to watch Devlin wear his football uniform, how the name spells in his broad back, the beef bulgy arms and legs, and how Devlin gets better and better at being the hunk he now is. I want a Devlin that wants to return too, but likes being the big lad now. I want him to start working out more, wear underarmour shirts and be the proud jock he is... for now.

I didn't notice any words that needed a thesaurus. This story can't have been easy to write - well done - very enjoyable, and cleverer than 99% of what's on this site. I see a little of the Green Monster in some of these comments - don't let that get to you. You're providing great entertainment, without charge. If the extremely snide "Anonymous" commenting here doesn't like what you write, he's welcome to bugger off and read something else (with or without thesaurus, poor thing).

Good, but far too wordy. (Takes away his cute personality.) Also, when are we going to get to the part where Devlin worships Jake, if ever? I have to wait like 4 months for each chapter. Which is torture, because it's a very good story!

Wow, did you fail middle school? Keep it up, erotic_synchronicity, I didn't find any words I didn't know. I also caught the irony-come on, guys, who doesn't think they're beautiful? A positive self image is a healthy thing! Jake's just bringing his trademark cocky to it.

A little wordy in places but I'm really loving this story