Brownwood: I Dreamed Ch. 06

"Well, you could bring your Taser with you but you won't need it. We'll have to take it really slow but I'd like to see if we could rebuild our friendship."

He paused.

"After that, I'd like to see if we can be more than just friends."

Bree sat quietly and Zach could see the wheels turning in her head.

"Well, I'm pretty dressed up right now."

"Yes," Zach said, smiling. "Yes, you most certainly are. I would expect there are several people here that will be glad to see you leave."

She looked puzzled and alarmed.

"Bree, you look beautiful. You look so incredible that you're outshining the bride."

"Yeah, right!" she snorted and covered her mouth again.

Zach grinned. He did however notice the looks they got as they left the reception. They confirmed what he'd told her wasn't too far from the truth.

Walking together, Bree gently took his hand again. Zach smiled, for the first time in several years he felt at peace.

****

October 2004 - Brownwood

He could feel her soft breath as she rested her head upon his chest. Unconsciously, she clung to him and he felt her tremble.

"We're not going to make it, are we?" she whispered in the dark.

He paused, searching for an answer.

"I don't know," he said softly, running his fingers through her hair. "I don't know if our love is enough to get us through this."

He sighed deeply as he replayed the last several months in his head, searching for answers. They'd gone slowly that first month, dating frequently but allowing their friendship to heal. They'd even combined their individual meetings with Sarah Richards and began meeting with her as a couple.

A month later, they'd become intimate. Even though it'd been nearly a year, their coupling had been awkward and tense with both struggling to overcome the memories of their last time together. Slowly, with Sarah's help, they'd been able to begin working through the wounds of their past. The passion they'd shared as they continued growing as a couple seemed to almost overwhelm them at times.

Zach's relationship with the Olsens continued to improve as well. The fact Shannon and Priscilla absolutely adored each other certainly helped.

He knew they'd reached another milestone when Gerald cornered him alone one evening. His warning still rang in Zach's ear.

"Son?" he said in a low, rumbling whisper. "If you ever hurt my daughter like that again, there aren't enough angels in heaven to keep me from hunting you down."

Zach stared into the eyes of a man whose love and passion to protect his daughter, equaled his own.

"Sir, I'd expect nothing less."

After that conversation, nothing was ever mentioned again.

It was when Bree had moved in with Zach and Shannon that things changed. Something was wrong, something they couldn't quite identify or discuss but was very real. Soon, whatever it was began tearing at their relationship.

The issue finally reared its ugly head one day. Zach had gone to the hospital to surprise Bree during her break. When he got there, he found her and a couple of the younger nurses being thoroughly entertained by one of the doctors. Even in their scrubs, he'd easily recognized Bree's orange hair and Doris' tall, ebony form.

He knew instantly the doctor was Dr. Kyle Blayloch, a new surgeon who'd arrived at Sacred Heart only a month earlier. Bree's description of him was accurate; early thirties, tall, jet black hair, deep green eyes, muscular, and very handsome. The nurses referred to him as Dr. Dream. The guy looked like he belonged on the cover of GQ magazine instead of a hospital.

Zach also noted the good doctor had wasted little time targeting Bree. As he approached them, he saw something that froze him in his tracks. Blayloch said something to Bree, making her laugh and then he reached over and brushed a hair from her face. Zach felt his heart stop beating the moment he saw her almost swoon!

Startled, Bree quickly brushed aside the doctor's hand as her brow furrowed. Zach could see her concern at his forwardness. At that moment, she spotted Zach. Her face showed her surprise and then her guilt as she read his reaction. He clenched his fists and strode towards the group, his face was like stone but his eyes blazed with the rage building inside.

Everyone in the group turned towards him as Bree quickly moved to intercept him. The other nurses recognized him but Blayloch stared at him with blank confusion.

"Zach! Honey, you surprised me!" Bree exclaimed as she stopped him and then turned to the group.

"Doris, Susie, you remember Zach?" she said nervously. "Kyle? This is my boyfriend, Zach Morgan. Zach, this is Dr. Kyle Blayloch."

Zach's eyes never left the doctor as he watched the bigger man's face lose some of its color.

"Hello, Zach," Doris said in her distinctive accent. "I haven't seen you since you were my patient last summer! How are you doing?"

Zach didn't respond.

Doris' eyes darted between the two men, recognizing the rise in testosterone. Blayloch cleared his throat and extended his hand.

"Zach, very nice to meet you," he said in a calm but guarded voice.

Zach looked at the doctor's hand briefly. "Careful Doc, don't think it would be good for a surgeon to get his hand hurt, might make operating a bitch."

Dr. Blayloch's calm expression never left his face as he jerked his hand back. Bree attempted to lead Zach away from the group but he wouldn't move.

"Zach, did you come over just to join me for my break?" Bree said, trying to relieve the tension.

He turned his attention towards her and she almost gasped when she saw the look of anger and betrayal in his eyes.

"Yeah," he said in a low voice. "But something's come up and I'll need to work late. If you want, we can talk later tonight at my apartment."

He turned and left but his reference to his apartment wasn't lost on Bree. She understood the crossroads they'd somehow found themselves at.

Zach went back to work. His mind raced as he began working through possible scenarios involving Bree and himself. He'd turned off his cell because he hadn't wanted to talk to her. The sound of her voice would've caused his emotions to sweep over him and cloud his thinking. It was because of his self-imposed isolation that he was surprised when Dr. Blayloch visited him later that afternoon.

Their conversation was short and to the point. Blayloch apologized and said he hadn't realized Bree was in a committed relationship. He told Zach that she'd read him the riot act after Zach had left. She'd told him in no uncertain terms she was in an exclusive relationship. Blayloch promised he would never do anything to come between them. By the end of their talk, Zach hated to admit it, but he was actually beginning to like the guy.

Zach called his mother and asked her to watch Shannon that evening. Their relationship had been improving since he'd returned from Florida but it still wasn't as strong as it had been.

He spent the rest of the afternoon and a few extra hours at O'Malley's going over the problem again and again. Each time things became clearer. He looked at his cell and saw multiple calls from Bree. He listened to her voicemails and sighed. It was time to go home.

When he walked into the apartment, Bree met him at the door. She was crying as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him so hard he found it hard to breathe.

"Bree, we need to talk," he finally managed to whisper.

"I know," she said, finally releasing him and wiping her eyes. "I knew as soon as it happened. Then when I got home this evening and found out Shannon was spending the night with your mother, I knew we were going to have a serious talk."

They went over and sat together on the couch. Zach noticed an opened bottle of wine and two glasses on the coffee table. He looked at Bree and she shrugged.

"I thought it might help when you came home."

"And if I hadn't come home tonight?"

"Then I figured I might need it to help me sleep alone in our empty bed."

"Bree, I'm not really sure where to begin..."

"Zach, please let me start?"

He nodded.

"Baby, I'm sorry. Nothing ever happened between Kyle and me but—"

"Bree," Zach interrupted. "I saw him flirting with you and I watched you enjoy it!"

Bree nodded and wiped a stray tear away.

"That's why I'm apologizing, Zach. Nothing happened but I let it go too far."

"Why?" Zach asked calmly.

"Why? That's easy, because it felt nice and up till that point it was innocent. Having a young, handsome doctor show interest in you would make any girl feel good. It made me feel the same way you'd feel if some little, wet-dream of a co-ed flirted with you. It would've stroked your ego, just like Kyle's attention stroked mine."

Zach fought back the images of Kayla as Bree continued.

"Not that I would've let it go any further but I should've stopped it when it first started. I am so sorry, honey."

She stared at him with tears still in her eyes.

"What you saw today was the first time he ever crossed a line. I talked with him after you left and told him he was never to flirt or touch me again! Of course he agreed."

Bree was silent for a moment and then looked into his eyes.

"Zach? He really is a good guy. I just didn't give him the right signals."

"I know, Bree. He came to my office today and apologized. We'll see if he keeps his distance but I suspect he will."

"Then why didn't you take any of my calls?"

"I needed to think. I'm sorry, Bree, but just the sound of your voice can make it hard to think sometimes. I needed to get a handle on what our problem really is and see if I could come up with some possible solutions."

"My engineer," she said with a weak smile. Zach returned her smile.

"And what did you figure out?

His smile quickly disappeared.

"I believe I've identified the core problem but I'm not sure it can be fixed."

Bree smiled at him optimistically. "Baby, I'm serious about this relationship. So let's get it out in the open. I know we'll be able to figure out something."

****

"Well?" Sarah Richards said, smiling. "What have you deduced, Mr. Holmes."

"Other than I struggle with a ton of male insecurities?" Zach replied, grinning sheepishly.

"Male and female insecurities keep me in business!" Sarah chuckled. "Now, Zach, what did yesterday's drama make clearer for you?"

He looked at the two women who were staring intently at him. He saw the hope and confusion in Bree's eyes. He'd tried to explain it to her last night but knew he'd done a poor job of it. Thankfully, they'd already scheduled a session today with Sarah. Zach hoped that, combined with a good night's sleep, would help him put his thoughts into words more clearly.

He glanced over at their counselor and smiled, remembering his first thoughts about her. Sarah Richards was in her early forties and had a long but attractive face with shoulder length brown curly hair. Her huge brown eyes were dwarfed by her even larger glasses. But it was her long face, narrow shoulders, smallish bust and wider hips that gave him the impression he was talking to a human bowling pin.

It had been her quick wit and obvious intelligence, matched with her compassion and no nonsense attitude that won Zach over. Simply stated, she genuinely cared and it was readily apparent.

"I'm not sure where to start, so bear with me. Hopefully, I'll do a better job of explaining it than I did last night.

"Look," he said, gathering himself, "I know what I am. I'm a decent looking, somewhat geeky guy who's pretty average by most people's standards."

"There's nothing average about you, honey!" Bree blurted out. "And I think you're damn handsome!"

He grimaced as Sarah interjected.

"Please, Brianna," she said softly. "Let him talk."

"By the world's standards, I am just an average guy. Like most guys, I've had to come to terms with it but it's all right, I've got lots of company.

"I know women go through something similar but if you want to understand where the problem is you need to hear me out. Every average guy has had to face the fact there will always be a handful of guys all women dream of. It might be the star jock, or the bad boy or that rich and handsome doctor... whatever.

"Whoever it is will be bigger, stronger, more attractive, have more money, be a bigger bad-ass or be hung like a damn mule. And most likely the girls we love will be infatuated with him. Most of the time, the guy will be an ass and use her and move on to the next girl. Yeah, I know there are always those few who are really good guys. If most men were honest though, we'd tell you we wished secretly those perfect men would get hit by a bus! It's those guys who give women enough hope to keep digging through the pile of jerks, trying to find their dream man.

"I don't understand why women think the bad boy they're sleeping with will someday love them enough to change their ways, and be a loving, faithful husband and father. It almost never happens. What does happen is he'll treat her like dirt, break her heart, and in the end she'll be damaged goods. She'll think every guy out there is only after one thing, and she'll find enough horny guys out there to prove her right.

"So who ends up picking up those pieces? The poor fool who falls in love with her, that's who. He'll have to fight through all her hurts and fears, let alone his own baggage, just to make her believe they can somehow be happy together. Maybe, just maybe, they'll end up sharing a life together. But in the back of his mind he'll always know, if Mr. Perfect were to ever walk into her life, she'd leave him or at least she'd want to in her heart."

"Zach," Bree said softly, "I didn't leave you for Ty."

"I know," he sighed, "But you left me just the same. You left me to go look for that dream man. You needed someone you could share your travels and adventures with. Someone with the resources to take you to London or Paris, and who dreamed of seeing a musical on Broadway or basking on a beach in the Caribbean. We both know that wasn't me. Bree, so it had to be someone else.

"So that's the problem, trust and fear. Bree, you're beautiful and beautiful women get hit on all the time. I know you turn down those advances, at least for now, but will you still do that a year from now? Five years? Twenty years?

"And what if you finally do decide to leave me? I'm not sure I could survive that again. What you want... what we both want, is for me to be able to love you like before. But it'll never happen, Bree. What died was my innocence, my ability to love completely without fear or cynicism. I don't know if the love I have left will ever be enough. So you see? I don't know how this can be fixed."

Bree stared at him, her eyes pleading.

"Well, Zach," Sarah started in a calm voice. "That was certainly well thought out. However, I'd like to interject another possibility if you don't mind."

Zach nodded.

"I would put it to you, the death of your innocence isn't the issue," she continued calmly. "Zach, everybody's innocence dies, some even have it taken from them at a very young age. I don't believe the answer to your problem lies in you becoming naive again. I do think you'll find some answers as you continue to deal with your trust issues.

"From what you've both told me, your relationship is becoming increasingly more intimate. I'd suggest that when Bree moved in with you and Shannon the reality of your situation became evident, at least subconsciously. So, it really isn't surprising some of these issues are now being forced to the top. What I recommend..."

She froze and looked at the couple staring back at her.

"Oh shoot!" she said, grimacing. "I did it again, didn't I? I got to sounding all self-important and spewing some psycho-babble. I'm sorry, sometimes the training gets in the way of actually helping people."

She gathered herself and sighed deeply.

"Listen, Zach, we all have trust issues. What you have to decide is what level of trust you need to have before you'll try to make this relationship work. If you don't determine that, then it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. To put it bluntly, do you have enough trust in Bree, and yourself, to try again?"

****

The couple snuggled together sitting on their couch, watching Shannon as she played on the floor with her dolls. The last 24 hours had been difficult, so much so Zach had asked Bree to give him time to process what Sarah had said before they talked about it. She'd honored his wish.

Shannon came over and kissed him goodnight and Bree carried her to her room and tucked her in. A short bedtime story later, Bree was back, standing in the living room, quietly watching Zach. He noticed she looked ready for bed and was wearing her fuzzy robe.

Gracefully, she walked over to him and crawled onto his lap. She placed a hand gently on his face and kissed him deeply. Silently, she rose and stood before him. He stifled a gasp when she dropped her robe to reveal her naked form.

"Bree?" he stammered.

"Shhh," she whispered as she took his hand and led him to their bedroom.

Once there, she pushed him onto the bed and began to undress him. He gazed at her as she smiled sadly.

"I don't know what our future holds either," she said softly, "but for now you're still mine. And tonight, I want to show you how much you mean to me, Zach."

What followed wasn't sex. It was gentle and slow, passionate but tender. It was a melding of two hearts, of two lovers. What they did that night was make love.

They were like two desperate souls clinging to each other, praying they could find happiness together before they had to face the stark morning light. Fiercely, they sought to memorize each touch, every smell, and each kiss. The fear of their unknown future gave their coupling an intensity of its very own.

Spent, they lay intertwined with each other. Both breathing heavily but refusing to let go of the other. As sleep began to take them, he felt her quiet sobs as she rested on his chest, her tears slowly running down his side.

He woke several hours later to a gentle whisper.

"Zach? Baby, wake up. I need to talk to you."

He forced his eyes open only to be met by the darkness that still filled most of the room. It was obvious it was sometime before sunrise. Only the bathroom light spilled over into their bedroom. He breathed deeply and could smell her freshly washed hair.

"Huh?" he managed to mumble. "What time is it?"

"About 4:30."

Zach groaned.

"Sweetheart, I need to talk to you before I leave for work. I've got an early morning shift today and tomorrow I'm pulling a double. Then on Sunday I'm covering for Doris, so that doesn't leave much of an opportunity to talk to you this weekend. That's probably a good thing because of what I need to say..."

Her words and tone of voice flushed any residue of sleep from his mind. Sitting up, he turned on the lamp next to the bed and stared into her beautiful face. He could see her eyes were red and puffy, a testament she'd been crying.

"You bared your heart to me and Sarah, now I need to share mine with you."

She sat next to him and sighed deeply.

"I want to start with... I love you. There've been times in our past when I wasn't sure that was enough but I know now it is. And that makes what I have to say much harder.

"Bree, I—"

"Baby, please," she said softly.

"I love you, Zach Morgan, but I can't do this alone. I can't fight for us by myself. You tried to do that when we were engaged and it almost killed you. It still breaks my heart to know I'm the one who gave up on us back then. It's something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

"Sarah was right when she said you need to decide if you trust me, trust our love enough to try again. I know you, Zach. If you get a thought stuck in your head, you're like a pit bull. You can't let go of it. If you don't believe there's any hope for us then there won't be.