All Comments on 'Carmie and Me'

First, let me say that this is a very hot story overall. The sex was descriptive and the basic scenario -- guy meets up with foreign girl to invent relationship to help her get green card and turns real -- was definitely arousing. While the prose isn't ground-breaking, it does harken back to the good-old says of Penthouse Forum styling.

The problem comes in two fronts -- dialogue believability and, well, quite frankly, a little creepiness when you realize who the narrator is.

First, the dialogue: You do a great job setting up some conflict in your story. Our protagonist is helping his real-life girlfriend's sister come to the U.S. by faking a relationship to pass muster with the INS. Then conflict ensues when said sister begins to fall for protagonist and a hot massage session turns erotic.

You don't dismiss the obvious conflicts here: What about her real sister? Does the protagonist decide to stay with the younger sister? Could he sleep with her and leave it at that?

Your solution: Create a paragraph long soliliquey of dialogue that resolves this conflict a little too neatly. What you end up doing is breaking the suspencion of disbelief with, frankly, canned dialogue, when sometimes terse statements or even things left unsaid is a better solution.

Second problem: The creep factor. I understand that May/December fantasies are hot, but there's just something inherently creepy about your protagonist (who I assume to be in his 30's or older since he had been previously married) seducing an 18-year-old, especially the sister of his current love. And here's where I think the problem lies: The girl really could be the one tagged as the seducer (going into protag's room, asking for massage, allowing hands to roam, etc.), yet you describe her as a virgin. That maybe where I get creeped out. The girl's dialogue just makes her feel "younger" than the 18 years you give her.

The second part is just my opinion though.

Great job overall.

I am married to an Asian, but she is not Filipina. Most Asian girls envision a life with at least one baby. I reality, I'm afraid that this story is a little bit fantasy as opposed to that reality because of that Vasectomy being mentioned even before you have married this Cammie. I do have a Filipina auntee and some Filipina cousins and they all seem to want to have a baby as a beginning....

The story was pretty hot, although it was somewhat simplistic. or as the other reader suggested "Penthouse Letters - like". I wanted to point out what the other 2 reviewers didn't, that the story really needs to be proof-read. Each time I came across a mistake, and there were a bunch including the first paragraph I think, the story comes to a screeching stop and I have to start over. You really need to find someone to proofread your work.

I did enjoy it, though I skipped around a lot due to the typos / wrong words.

i enjoyed ur story,do alert me on when you write another; bryanbrt128@yahoo.com

sounds much like me meeting my wonderful and totally sexy Philippine wife ! 17 yrs ago ... Still very much in love !

You have a good time. Hope that both ladies accept being with you and you can try threesome with them and go out with them pantyless and braless plus take lots of photos and make love outside home.

write to me at vkoolboi@gmail.com