Catch and Don't Release

Tell Haley to be as smart as her mother and stash it for a rainy day.

 ^Make Gunther take the money. Tell him I'm sorry.

 ^Give Ian McKinley a two dollar bill.

Go to Mass at St. Cecilia's for four weeks in a row.

 ^Go fishing.

 ^Only get gear from Lionel's Bait and Fishing Shop. George will take care of you.

Catch, and don't release.

Tell your mother I'm sorry.

He was happy that the selling of the house, splitting the profits and going to St. Cecilia's four times would be done by next week. He had to figure out the last place to put his ashes. And he still had not caught a fish and kept it. Apologizing to his mother would be the last thing he would do.

That night Jacob dreamed of his father. They were on the wooden rickety boat in the middle of the lake. The bobber was still, but his father kept saying, "Catch him, Jacob. You're the only one that can do it. Catch him. And don't release."

~~~

Jacob woke up early Saturday morning and went fishing by himself, proud that he was able to catch a few. It still wasn't his favorite activity, but he appreciated the act enough.

He didn't want to go into town but Jacob did drive over to St. Cecilia's. Father O'Donnell looked happy to see him. "Jacob! What can I do for you this morning?"

"Got time for a confession?"

The monsignor smiled. "Always." He led Jacob into the booth and sat on the other side.

Jacob crossed himself and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been... waaaaay too long since my last confession."

"And that's alright, my son." Father O'Donnell spoke in the softest voice he had ever heard him speak. "God's ears and heart is open for you."

"Okay well, I haven't been the nicest person. I have all the patience in the world for children but I get angry easily at adults. And I say the F word a lot. And I'm fornicating. A lot. Those last two things are probably never going to change, especially since I can't get married and I actually enjoy saying the F word."

"Marriage is about love, commitment and partnership. The same things you said you wanted out of life. And who knows, maybe the tide will turn and one day marriage will be for all, regardless of race, gender and orientation. I have that hope. In the meantime, find the marriage that you want. Less fornicating with your body. More searching with your heart."

Jacob was in awe. "How do you do that? How do you reconcile being a priest and giving advice like that? Reconcile the teachings of the church and... who you are?"

Father O'Donnell let out a soft chuckle. "This is your confessional, not mine, son."

Jacob chuckled back. "So how many Hail Mary's? Shoot, I don't even have a rosary. I suck at this, Father."

"Let's start with seven, the number of completion. And I can give you one of my own personal beads, blessed by Father Brunson before he retired."

"Thanks, Father." Jacob let a moment pass, then said, "One more thing."

"Speak, my son."

"I think I'm falling in love with Alexander Lionel. I don't mean to Out him, but... This is about me. My feelings. My struggle. He doesn't want love, commitment and partnership but I can't stop thinking of him, wanting that to be our future. I just needed to tell someone, anyone, how I'm feeling before I explode."

The priest was quiet for a moment. "Do you know for sure that he too doesn't seek love, commitment and partnership?"

"He told me so with his own mouth," Jacob said sadly.

"We say things, don't we? We say things that we think we want, things that we think others want to hear. But we never truly know what's in our own heart until someone comes along and opens it."

Jacob was thoughtful. "You might be right. He says these things but the way he treats me, the way he touches me..." Jacob sighed not wanting to go into it.

"It's just all so hard right now. My father's death, how my siblings are handling his death, me coming to terms with who he was and the bad things he's done, balancing my feelings for Alex... It's all so hard right now."

"When was the last time you prayed, Jacob?" O'Donnell asked. "You said you were confirmed as a Catholic. Who is your Saint?"

"Obviously St. Jacob," he said with a smile. "Saint Jacob of Nisibis. I didn't have a lot of imagination back then. But he was a teacher and a seeker of knowledge. So God knew better than I did, steering me there, didn't He?"

"God always knows best," the monsignor confirmed. "There isn't much known about Jacob of Nisibis. He was Syrian. He was there for the people of Nisibis, mediating disputes around land and property. He was devout. He founded the theologian school of Nisibis. He went searching for the Ark of Noah, that is widely noted. He took part in the Council of Nicaea, also widely noted. He was quiet, not exactly a hermit but private and lived a simple life."

"He sounds like me," said Jacob. "Not a hermit but private and simple. Mediating disputes. Seeker of knowledge."

"Again, God knows best. So maybe try a prayer. It doesn't have to be a memorized one, but a conversation. Sometimes a good conversation with God can help make things a little clearer."

"Okay. I'll do that."

"Also, read Psalms 139. Not just read it. Memorize it. Internalize it. Know it and believe it in your heart. That should be your heart's daily prayer."

"Okay," Jacob said again. "What does it say?"

"Now how fun would that be if I just did your penance for you?" the priest teased him.

Jacob smiled. "Alright, I got it, all three things. Seven Hail Mary's. Pray to God and remember St. Jacob. Read Psalms 139. So what now? I honestly don't remember what comes next."

"An act of contrition," said O'Donnell. "Which I am sure you remember none of them so clasp your hands and repeat after me:

'My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. In his name have mercy.'"

Jacob repeated the words. Then the priest fell silent. Jacob was about to ask what now when he realized the silence was actually calming. It gave him a few moments to think about what was said.

He closed his eyes and said a prayer, for his father who he believed was in heaven, for himself, asking God for forgiveness for staying away so long, and found himself praying that Alex wanted what he wanted, that Alex was falling in love with him too.

Father O'Donnell began to speak. "Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace. I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

"Amen," Jacob replied.

"God has freed you from your sins. Go in peace."

"Thanks be to God," Jacob said and crossed himself again.

He left the confessional, expecting the priest to also come out of his side, but he did not. So Jacob left St. Cecilia's, feeling content and spiritually satisfied.

~~~

He did not want to run into Alex and his family so Jacob went for a drive in the opposite direction, through Ashaway, Hope Valley and Bradford. The neighboring towns were nice, but didn't have the homey feel that Rockville did.

In the afternoon Gunther called him to find out how it all went with the McColloughs. Jacob confirmed Wednesday as the closing date and Gunther agreed to come on Tuesday, spend one last day at their family home, before they officially sold it and split the profits.

By evening, Jacob was getting restless. It was hard not being around Alex. It felt like he was missing something. Even reading wasn't helping. So he started watching old movies like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Pink Panther when halfway through he gave up and went upstairs.

After rolling around in bed for a while, Jacob was starting to fall asleep when the doorbell rang.

He sat up quickly. "Alex," he said out loud. He looked over at the clock and it was after 1am.

He rose up and went downstairs to open it. Alex was standing on his porch, smoking a cigarette. "Jacob."

"What are you doing here?"

Alex took a puff of his cigarette and breathed out, "Can't sleep. You're on my mind."

"Allie..." Jacob sighed. "I've prepared myself not to see any part of you until Sunday at Mass."

"Yeah well..." Alex tossed his cigarette and said, "So did I." He pushed Jacob inside the house.

They immediately began to kiss, leaving the front door open. Jacob let Alex pull down his underwear and get on his knees. He deep throated Jacob repeatedly, came off to kiss his thighs, lick the crease at his hips and deep throat him again.

"Ooooh my gaaaawd, please cum inside of meeeee," Jacob moaned, running his hands through Alex's hair.

Alex, who was already hard, felt his whole body flush with real affection for Jacob. Jacob needed him just as bad. He stood up and said, "God dammit, Jarten."

He grabbed Jacob's neck and crashed their lips together. "Take off your fucking clothes."

Jacob immediately took off his tank top and practically hopped out of his underwear. Alex did the same, taking off every article of clothing. Jacob laid down on the couch and waited. Alex came toward him with the KY in his hands. Jacob flipped his legs up, and stretched out his ass with his fingertips, exposing his pucker.

Alex growled like an animal in heat. He stuck his tongue inside Jacob's hairy hole. Jacob moaned loudly as Alex assaulted Jacob's bottom with his tongue over and over again, sucking his balls, spitting, slurping, licking him until Jacob's legs began to tremble in his hands.

Alex put a glob of KY inside of Jacob, another glob on himself and quickly entered Jacob, not stopping until they were fully connected. Jacob left his legs open and knees bent as Alex laid down between them, kissing Jacob's sweet mouth.

Alex wanted to fuck him hard. Alex also wanted to make love to him slowly. Alex did both.

He pounded Jacob, making sure he slid against his prostate to make Jacob climax first, his cum squirting out between them. Then Alex slammed into him roughly making Jacob holler his name, until Alex's cock deposited cum deep inside of him. Jacob sighed in relief at the feel of his insides being warmed up by Alex's love.

Alex slid out, and put Jacob's cock in his mouth again. Jacob squirmed and thrusted, yanking Alex's hair until he came a second time. Alex swallowed every drop and became hard again. He reinserted himself inside of Jacob and rotated his hips around and around, a slow and steady march, never wanting to stop.

Their bodies were slippery from sweat by the time Alex released a second time, Jacob's body was slightly trembling at the electricity flowing through him. Alex slid out again and kissed Jacob, then put his head on his heart. Jacob rubbed his scalp with his fingertips.

They laid in silence, wide awake, for another hour before Alex said, "I gotta go, sweetheart."

But he waited a few more moments before he sat up. Jacob laid on the couch and watched Alex silently get dressed. Once his boots were lazily tied, he leaned down and kissed Jacob's lips, peppering his face and neck, then kissed him again.

"Allie," Jacob breathed out his name as his eyes fluttered. Alex kissed him one more time, then left Jacob's house through the open door, without a glance back.

Jacob didn't bother to close the door. He fell asleep on the couch naked, sexually satiated, his heart full, with the thought that maybe prayers did work and maybe Alexander Lionel was falling in love with him too.

~~~

Jacob sat with the McKinleys at Mass, as usual. He spotted Alexander walking in with his two children and his father. Jacob almost gasped at how the boy looked like the picture he had in his house of a young Alex.

They passed by the McKinleys and Alex did not acknowledge him, only George giving him a friendly smile, as they sat with the Reigers. Jacob was not paying attention to the service, instead willing Alex to turn around and glance at him, just once. But Alex did not.

After Mass, Jacob followed everyone into the church basement. He saw the children, but not Alex at first. Father O'Donnell came up to him and said, "I should have given this to you yesterday."

He handed Jacob a small pouch that had rosary beads in it, a prayer card with his saint on the cover, and a bible. "Saint Jacob did not have a prayer," the priest said. "But this one has a Catholic Prayer of Guidance on it. I felt that would be fitting for you."

"Thank you, Father," Jacob said sincerely.

O'Donnell patted him on the back and walked on. Alex came through the doors ten minutes after everyone else, putting his Camels back in his shirt pocket. He glanced at Jacob then looked away, staying on the other side of the church basement.

Jacob sighed loudly. "You okay?" Ian asked, who was standing next to him.

"Yeah, just... being stupid again." Ian squeezed his shoulder as comfort.

"Uncle Ian!" a young voice behind them called out. They both turned and came face to face with 16-year-old David Lionel. "I didn't forget. You owe me a game," said David.

"I said two out of three," said Ian.

"You said three out of five!" David said. Ian laughed. Then he said, "David, this is my friend, Jacob Jarten. You remember Mr. Jarten, right?"

"Yeah, he used to rock the fishing boat, pretending we were going to topple over," David said as he brushed his sandy brown hair out of his bright blue eyes.

"Well this is Mr. Jarten's son. Mr. Jarten passed away about a month ago."

"Oh. Sorry," David said sincerely.

"Thank you," Jacob replied.

"Actually, Mr. Jacob here is a master at chess," said Ian innocently. "You were in the chess club growing up, right?"

"I was," Jacob confirmed, giving Ian a look.

"Really?" David said excitedly.

Ian said, "David recently joined the chess club at his school. He didn't even think he was going to like it, but now he loves it."

"Yeah, weird right?" said David. "Pop's been trying to get me to play chess since forever. It's like you don't know if you like something until you actually try it on your own. Then you realize, hey, maybe I actually like this thing."

Jacob nodded. "It's like my dad and fishing. He had been trying to get me to love fishing since I could walk, and I never really liked it. But now that I'm doing it on my own, I'm starting to appreciate it a lot."

David nodded in understanding. Ian said, "Actually, it's your pop who has been teaching Jacob to fish."

Jacob shot him a warning look again which Ian ignored. But David rolled his eyes. "Of course it's Pop. Him and Grandpop would have the whole world fishing if they could." Jacob and Ian chuckled.

Jacob watched Alex make his way over to them with his daughter next to him, and felt his heart flutter. "What are we talking about over here?" Alex asked. Alex was looking at Jacob and Jacob couldn't turn his eyes away.

Ian answered, "Chess and fishing."

"Ah," Alex said, still looking at Jacob.

"Yeah, I was just about to ask Mr. Jacob if he wanted a quick game before we go," said David.

"Were you now?" Alex said, glancing at his son, then back up at Jacob.

Jacob couldn't read Alex's unreadable face so he turned to David. "I can't today. I have some things I need to take care of. Maybe... maybe some other time."

"Okay," said David. "Nice meeting you, Mr. Jacob." He held his hand out politely for a shake.

Jacob took it and smiled. "Very nice to meet you, David." David walked away. Jacob turned his attention to the girl. "And you must be Sally Lynn."

She smiled at him. "Just Sally," her high pitched voice squeaked out.

Sally had Alex's blue eyes but her hair was a darker brown and fell to the center of her back. Her facial features were different and Jacob suspected her beauty came from her French mother.

"What kind of things are you into? I'm sure it's something more interesting than chess," Jacob said with a wink.

Sally smiled again. "I like anything to do with music. Dancing, singing. I play the piano."

"I'm sure you're very talented," Jacob said. "Dancing and singing, just like your Pop."

"Yeah..." She turned to her father and gave him a bright smile with all her perfect teeth. He grinned at her back. She turned back to Jacob. "And I joined the swim club this summer."

"Swimming is my favorite thing to do. I was a lifeguard every summer when I was young," Jacob said.

"Really?" Sally said in excitement.

"Sure was." He chanced it. "Your Pop should tell you about the time I tried to take him swimming. Tried."

Ian chuckled and Alex squinted his eyes at Jacob as Sally laughed. "Yeah, Dad is afraid of water."

Alex turned to his daughter. "I'm not afraid of water, I just don't swim."

Sally turned back to Jacob. "Don't listen to him, he's afraid."

Jacob couldn't help it. He looked Alex in the eyes and said, "Terrified."

He watched Alex's cheeks turn pink as Sally laughed and repeated, "Terrified!"

"Alright already," he pretended to be stern with her. "Go grab your brother so we can get out of here. Your mother is expecting you."

"Okay, Daddy." She turned to Jacob and also held out her hand respectfully. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Jacob."

"Very nice to meet you, Just Sally," he said as he shook her hand. She giggled and walked away.

Alex looked at Jacob and folded his arms. "My kiddos like you."

"Of course they do." Jacob shrugged. "I'm a teacher, I do very well with children."

"Hm." Alex's eyes bore into Jacob, and again, Jacob could not turn away. Just a few hours ago Alex was deep inside of him. He knew Alex was remembering too.

"For the record," Ian spoke, breaking their contact. "You're not as subtle as you think. When you're next to each other, other people can feel it." He patted Jacob's shoulder and nudged Alex's as he left them.

Alex looked around the room before his eyes settled on Jacob's again. "I gotta go," he said.

Jacob nodded, unable to speak, wishing he ended his statement with "sweetheart," like normal. Alex looked like he wanted to say more, but then turned around abruptly and left the church, without a glance back.

Jacob found himself breathing erratically, his heart pounding, holding tightly to the items the priest left in his hand.

~~~

Jacob waited and waited. But there were no headlights coming up the driveway, no ringing of his bell, no smell of Camel cigarettes lingering in the air. Alex did not come over that night.

~~~

Jacob woke up alone. And angry.

He knew he had no right to be. He didn't ask Alex to come by last night and Alex didn't offer.

And it was a summer fling. It was fucking and fishing. And in eight days Jacob would go home and resume his life as a teacher to middle school children in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

And Alexander would stay there in Rockville, Rhode Island, taking care of his ailing father and running his fishing shop.

What they were doing didn't mean anything.

But after the intensity of their lovemaking the last few days, along with Alex's ability to be completely distant when it suited him, angered Jacob. An irrational anger that had him putting on clothes and walking to the Lionel's when it first opened at 8am.

Alex had barely turned on all the lights when the door opened and Jacob walked in. His eyes widened in surprise, then he quickly recovered. "Jarten," he greeted him.

"Allie," Jacob called his nickname to disarm him. It worked. Alexander's face softened. "Where were you last night?"

Alex turned around and went behind the counter. "I drove up to Boston after I dropped the kids off. Went dancing. Stayed in Providence."

Jacob felt his heart slightly constrict. "Where did you sleep?"

"Just crashed at a friend's house. Came back this morning to open up the shop."

"Did you fuck him?" Jacob asked plainly.

Alex turned back around. His eyes met Jacob's eyes. "No."

Jacob didn't know if he believed him. He had that exchange with Gale more than once. And almost always it was a lie. After a moment he said, "Okay."