All Comments on 'Cemetery Summons Ch. 13'

Wow that was a bit confusing but it was a great continuation of the story I can't wait for the next chapter.

Downright scitzophrenic? Yes! Loved all the chapters, hopefully this one has a point and isn't really defying all logic.

Please tell me this isn't the last chapter you're writing. I love this story. It's amazing. Please keep writing.

gods don't leave us hanging baby!! maybe a few side stories, like the landlord alone with elassa for one idea. oh i can't wait to see what you write next. right now you are my favorite writer.

What the Fuck was the point of all that!?

What was the point of this chapter beyond disgusting the readers into questioning whether to continue reading your writing or not? This chapter was a total waste of my time and has me seriously debating on whether to continue reading the rest of the chapters. Disgusting is not strong enough, but all I can think of currently.

I'm sorry, but you are a twisted, sick, perverted fucking insane prick. Parts of this chapter are inane, vile and completely bad. I've come to expect bad spelling and grammar here, but this chapter is just vile. Of all the things I have read on this site, parts of this chapter rank amongst the worst ever written.

Still, I like the story, the theme and the place. I dislike Kcaj, Anathane and I dislike what she does to the main character.

Don't care what these other jack offs say, your story is freakin awesome, not so hot about kcaj but the things all the rest of the actual girls do to jacky boy is pretty hot. Rock on with the awesome sauce

You you are doing it well. This is something that 95% of elit writers neglect. Now I do have to admit that the gay clone felt a little uncharacteristic of Anathane. She has such a domineering personality that I would expect it to manifest more physically. However seeing as how it has already been written theres no use for my bitching about it. What your doing really well in this story is fusing the epic style with that of the conventional teenage fantasy.

-tgnal

So normally I'm doing crappy reviews. But this one is all about Kcaj. I'm not a fan. A lot of people arn't. Haha. But even so it was a good part to the story. What I don't really get is why it freaked him out further that it was in fact a clone of himself. Maybe it's just me. But I'd rather be raped by my own clone than a random person. At least it's my body and I know it's STD free. Maybe it's just me. But that really seemed off to me.

Kcaj seems like she could be a nice addition to the story so long as she doesn't get used to too much or too far into the homosexual side of sex. A certain level will be acceptable among readers, and as much as this story is your creation like I said before. You don't want to completely freak people out either. So if you plan on using Kcaj further. Just be careful how far you take things.

Also, someone commented on the mistakes. Yes they're there, and rather prominent in this specific chapter. but even so. The well written story makes up for it by far. I can laugh a few typo's. But a boring story will make anyone move on to something better. Good job, and I hope your future stories are as good if not better than this one so far.

please no more kcaj...fucking creepy but why the fuck am i laughing?? fucked up shit. loved it.

when i read a story, i feel what the people feel. i feel it, all of it; in my heart. in my very soul. i didn't like the other rape scenes either, however the 'badness' was negated by your protagonists personality and free will. "a story isn't written, the story writes itself, and the characters are created."

this time the discordant notes of emotion, cannot be mitigated by his choices, in fact, i would go so far as to say; this goes against his very essence of free will as your protagonist. you have made him make a choice; i know, without a doubt he would never have made.

his very soul would be cracked, and his love for Anathane shattered. he would hate her. forever. "love and hate are opposite ends on a line, but the line is a circle." also damaging his relationship with Elassa in unknown ways.

the discordant notes form a rift, a break in your story. causing a network of cracks to spider the immediate following chapters. on the verge of shattering your protagonist forever, your story looses its rhythm, bleeding the life out of it. in the afterimage of such raw hate and pain and humiliation your next pages are washed out, not just in my eyes but in your hand.

until near the end where it becomes a thing of beauty again. the flame of its soul, sputtering, waxing and waning; dying. only to 'finally' bring hope and lite to my heart and soul: "when a profound wound heals there is a profound scar."

PS: first few chapters you messed up names, features, colors and characteristics of characters.

i have found that there are many writers that break there own stories rules and rhythm, and doing what you have done.

still it is a nice story that is well written. you break your style in places and have not set your boundaries. it has boundless potential, greater than that of Tolkien's stuff (actually middle earth was a construct of his fathers). if these problems weren't there it could truly be a work of art.

i missed something...

i will figure out what and then type it out, and paste it here. watch this space.

message of the day: be the child that survived.

Done reading your work forever.

I was going to read one more today and finish the story next week.

I was also reading your current story, but I can't stomach this.

Fuck this shit... your story really had promise and i am sad to see where you took it, i was unable to read this whole chapter. This is just too fucked up

Your story had promise of being a good demon story especially considering that you introduced love and a demon that would do anything to protect Erassa. If you kill Jack and Erassa off I will not be reading anymore. Nice plot twist though

Before I go off on a tirade about all the things you've done wrong, I want to say that even so, you've done more things right, and that I really enjoy your writing, even if it frustrates me at times. I still gave the story 4 stars. Try and remember that, or this is going to sound really harsh. I just want to see your writing improve. I think that a good editor could go a long ways towards making that happen; sometimes you don't notice problems with your own plots unless someone points them out to you.

I really did not need that gay scene at the end. I'm disappointed that Jack didn't even get to rip Kcaj's cock off at the end like he promised he would. Now I'm fantasizing about a guy suddenly sprouting horns, demonic wings and claws and using said claws to messily detach his clone's genitalia from its body, because at least then I'd get some fucking vindication after that scene.

I know you're not building up to kill off the main characters, because that would be ridiculous, but...there are just so many promising story threads that you've just left hanging, and for what? To pursue a scene where the main character gets molested and raped by his own clone while his lover is forced to watch, all at the behest of someone who claims to love them both dearly?

I mean, you could've gone ahead with that whole thing about "you have to make sure that you fuck Fain and Naif at least once a day each, until they've each gotten three loads or [implied super bad thing will happen]". I mean you just sorta dropped that bombshell on us quite a few chapters ago, and then promptly forgot all about it, never to be mentioned again.

And then there's the scene with the Melissa. The scene ends with them waiting for him to get home so he can fuck them both silly, with Elassa excitedly sharing the pleasure that is Jack with her new friend, but no, he didn't come home, and instead of the steamy sex scene we were led to believe was going to happen, we're treated to a super depressing scene of Elassa getting fall-down drunk at a bar, because apparently even though morphine doesn't effect succubi and incubi as strongly as it should, they're apparently susceptible to alcohol.

And don't even get me started on Alina. I mean, she has (or had) real promise as a character, and then you just sort of...abandoned her. Mentioned her a couple of times, but never actually saw her again. They went on one date, and it was great fun to read about, and it looks like there's more to come, and I got all excited about it, and then you just sort of dropped her. Suddenly she can't ever hang out anymore. We don't see her anymore. She's mentioned offhandedly once or twice but it's like why did you go through the trouble of writing her into the story if you were just going to end up using her for a couple of one-liners about how Jack already has enough on his plate?

Lastly, the whole thing with Anthony just sort of felt like an unnecessary distraction from the main story. I get that it's a story arc that you had in your head that you wanted to write about, but sometimes you have to either find a better place for it, or leave it out, because there's just not enough room left in the story for it. It's like building a Magic: The Gathering deck; you have 68 cards in the deck, and you need to get it down to 60 but you really like every card that's in there. You might be tempted to just leave it at 68 cards, but then you'd find yourself at a severe disadvantage (more cards in a deck means lower chance of drawing the specific card you need at any given time), so you have to find 8 cards to cut from the deck, even though you really don't want to. Writing is the same sometimes.

I understand that this story has ended a while ago, but I feel like writing this comment as if it is still being written. I should also prefix by saying that I, in general, like your writing-

I have been reading this story for a while and I don't really know where I stand with it. While you have had interesting ideas, plot points, themes, and characters it has all been so INCREDIBLY randomly structured that one becomes annoyed. If this story had context, character development, structure, and most importantly background information it could be great, but it continuously falls short. Entire characters and plot points have been introduced and discarded a chapter later and then randomly return 8 chapters later without any explanation, the vampires, Alina, and Elassa and Jack's relationship to name a few. I feel like am reading random extracts from a broader story, picking 60 random page numbers of a 300 page book and then trying to argue that the entire book has been written.

I think what annoys me the most is that this story has in contextual time only happened over 14 days but all characters are referring to one another as if they have known each other for years. Their emotions for one another develop so quickly that things might change while I am pouring milk into cereal...

In summary, It would be very enjoyable to see you improve, but currently your writing "could be better."

P.s. T_Weezy summarized several other of my thoughts of your writing.

I agree with t_weezy in almost everything. Especially that this is an enjoyable story. There are, however, some dramatic tools that could validate some of what he's complaining about. First of all I can be recognized that since this is all happening in such a small time frame that it could feel random or feel like things are left in the wind when in reality it's just that they'll get picked back up in time because they are happening at a more regular pace. For example, his relationship with Alina and her character being introduced could be worth it and validated if we come back to it later. Having her grow closer in the span of weeks or month (depending on the length of the story). I agree that the thing with Anthony feels beside the point. Since this is more a serialized work than a complete succinct singular book there is more room for side plots. My problem is that you choose to include him his problem while dropping and ignoring more pertinent aspects of the story. One of the main ones being his relationship with the girls and the whole 'balanced sex thing.'

I'm fine with a little anticlimactic occurrence because it makes the story feel more real to me. One example is with the vampires. It kind of felt like there was going to be more, and maybe there will be, but then it fell kind of short of my expectations. It was just enough that I wasn't super disappointed though. The thing with Elassa and Melissa was potential a fun little twist to the readers gut. Sure we were getting set up for some excitement. It's a nice little bit of anticipation before having pulled out from under us. I'm even ok, maybe, with us getting a drunken fit instead. Again it can give it a certain feel a realism and authenticity. My real problem is two fold. One There's so much going on in so few words that things get lost. It's not uncommon to feel like you tossed out five things that your story is going to start building to and then you turn around and forget them and start throwing random conflict at us. The second is sort of related. Though I can approve of and appreciate a certain level of realism to contrast the fantasy aspects of the story, unless you are intending to the story in a dark or super realistic direction there needs to be give and take. After building us up for the expected scene with Melissa and then pulling it away to be replaced with a drunken fit you should of lead to some kind of a reward to the reader to take the sting off of the bad stuff that's been happening and the disappointment you've left us with. I thought that's where things were going on the beach. However, all you do is tease us and Elassa and then rape Jack...again. And you did it with a male no less. Then there was no violent satisfaction afterwards. Either you or the characters either have or are going to get a complex, or even the to the reader. The threshold of abuse to caring tenderness is just way too far south. These characters violently abuse each other only to show tenderness for like two seconds before deciding that rape and or violence is the order of the day again. On top of all that everyone seems to let the abuse go more easily than the reader can, or at lease I can, so I'm left feeling like I'm observing a violent and abusive relationship where they say they love each other but they really just love using each other. If there's some aspect to this that takes the edge off the abuse help us understand it. For example, I would normally find making a woman bleed from her tits because you were so ruff with her to be a total turn off, even if she seems ok with it. It's going to take a while for it to heel and it might leave scars. However, I was OK with it here because she's not human and will heal much more quickly. See what I'm saying. You can make us more OK with the abuse if you help us understand that it's not the same thing in the grand scheme of things for these characters as it would be for us

As always. I do enjoy this story it just has a few flaws that I thought might benefit some to be discussed and pointed out.

I felt like Jack throughout this chapter. Totally screwed and NOT in a good way. The girls do nothing but sponge off him and when he's working to pay the rent, E blows all the cash in his wallet on booze at a bar. Then A gives him a ton of grief about taking care of E. Isn't he supposed to b the master? This episode totally sucked.

I came down here into the comments because I wanted to see how many people were complaining about the gay thing. A lot of people. "Ew, awful, stopped reading your work, so put off by it." Fuck that. Good job going there. Rape is already established in this story (as much as I shrink from the word, that seems to be something demons are fine with), and if a woman were raping another woman the comment section would be silent. It'd be, "when is she gonna start liking it?" (Not because that's what happens in rape, I'm talking purely about the expectations your story has already set.) Even a straight woman who never had a single thought about another woman would just read past it, because this shit happens all the time on the site. But when it's two guys suddenly it's literal torture (which rape is, but again...). If there were something else they kinda weren't into, they'd read past it. When Kan had the biggest cock in the story so far, Anthony just got used to it and he was jerking it off. The ONLY reason this puts them off ANY more than things that have happened already is societal taboos on gay male sex that somehow transcend all the other taboos that people are fine with breaking. (And I think you were drawing attention to the problem you knew existed with how you wrote his reaction, which is a good thing to do.) Get used to it people, goddamn, get some tolerance. You don't have to like it, but read past it like anything else.

Now that I'm done ranting, I'll mention that often during series like this I kinda give up on perfect continuity and just take it as it comes. You may have been inconsistent in basically every other part of the story so far, but you've been consistently inconsistent, so I'm used to it.

The only thing that kinda mildly disappointed me in this one is that you accidentally ruined the effect of what was meant to be an entertaining quip by using the wrong word. I've been withholding my pedantic nature until now, but this is like fumbling the punch line. It's "resignation," not "recognition." (OK, I'm done, sorry.)