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"Hey Jack, you wanna see something really fun?"
"No!" he roared. Suddenly, Kcaj jumped onto him and he toppled back to the ground, where the sand entangled his wrists, ankles, waist, and every other joint of his body. Jack pulled with all his strength, and cables of muscle and sinew rose on his arms. But Anathane was much stronger than his other lovers, and that was an apparent fact here. Jack could even feel his wings being engulfed in sand.
"Alright! Thanks Anathane, you're a pal. Now, here's the fun I was talkin' about," Kcaj said sneakily as she dropped to her knees right above Jack. Jack had no idea why he was thinking this, but he found it weird that Anathane called Kcaj a girl and not a guy. Was she really a 'she' with this body?
'Go for it. I'll be enjoying the view from every angle.'
"You ready, Jack? I'm gonna jerk us both off at the same time. So, you just stay hard like that and I'll do this." Kcaj put her throbbing erection against his and clamped them together with both hands. Jack couldn't take this. He squeezed his eyes shut and strained to ignore the fac that he was touching a cock that wasn't his own.
"Stop! Anathane, please! I'll do anything for you! Please, just stop it! I get it! Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry! Please, let me go!" He was in tears now. Why was she doing this to him?! What had he done to wrong her in any way?
A shadow descended in front of his face.
"Incomplete boy, you've done nothing wrong. I simply love watching you in both positions. And I'll only let you up if you cum." Anathane kissed the tip of his nose. But instead of leaving, she stayed above him, looming over his body like a lioness in heat. Kcaj started stroking their cocks together, and Jack begged for a way out. Anathane didn't reply.
She simply winked and stuck her tongue out at him. Jack opened his jaws wide and clamped down on her long, soft tongue, trying to bring her close enough to kiss. He needed something, anything to escape from this even a little bit. Anathane brought her head close enough and Jack pressed his lips against hers. He released her tongue and the demon pulled away.
"A kiss?"
"Just one," she replied. They kissed and Jack thrust his tongue into her mouth. It wasn't like he hadn't explored this place before, but it had been so long since he'd really been able to kiss her that his memory was blurry. So, what else to do than explore anew?
Kcaj stroked him hard and as vigorously as she could, and Jack felt horrible that he was still hard. For God's sake, he had a cock against his own! That was embarrassing enough in itself, but the fact that it was a mirror image of his cock was just sickening! He didn't want to cum, but he had to if he wanted to get out of this.
He moaned as Kcaj hit a sensitive point and Anathane moaned back at him. She cupped his face in her hands and rammed her tongue into the back of his mouth, happily smiling as she did so. Their kiss was dissolving into licking tongues and taking turns choking into each other with their tongues. Jack fought to keep her lips against his, but she kept inching away every time their mouths locked together. He heard Kcaj let out a throaty moan.
"I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum!"
"She's gonna cum," Anathane explained to the incubus. He bit her tongue in half and swallowed it.
"You'd better not, fucking whore! I'll tear off that cock if you cum! I swear to God!" he roared at the top of his lungs. Anathane and Kcaj exchanged surprised glances.
"He's not really gonna..."
"I dunno. He's plenty pissed off," Anathane answered. Kcaj's pace only quickened and she contorted at an impossible angle and started licking their cocks. Jack bit back an unsightly groan and flushed red with embarrassment. Anathane laughed at him like an evil witch and he spat her poisonous blood back in her face.
She sat back up and the sand beneath the teen's head formed a small pile so that he had to watch himself being violated by a horny clone. Kcaj sank her mouth down on their cockheads and slurped noisily. Jack gritted his teeth and forced back tears. He wanted to be anywhere but here. Jesus, he'd love to have been sitting next to Satan right now than here!
Kcaj's pace got faster and faster with every passing minute, and she blew them both more hastily. She kept announcing that she was about to cum, and Jack could only wait for his own orgasm to near. But the closer he came to release, the less he wanted to. This was embarrassing!
He was about to get off to being jerked off, and sucked by a guy! Himself no less! Jack tried to close his eyes, but two gelatinous membranes grabbed his eyelids and held them open. Anathane sneered at him as he neared his orgasm.
"Jack? What's going on? Where'd...what is this?"
It was Elassa's voice.
She was about to see him like this. He wailed for Anathane to let him go, but she only tightened every grip on his body that she had, telling him she'd let him go when he came, just like she'd said before. Elassa sat down nearby with her hand to her head and a confused feel about her.
"No!" the incubus wailed.
"Just a little more..." Kcaj murmured. Jack squeezed his eyes shut and felt himself about to cum. He tried to hold it back, but a final lick send him over the edge and they came together all over Jack's body. He felt cum splatter in thick streams all across his chest and one even landed on his cheek. Kcaj slapped her hand down on his stomach and chuckled to herself.
"Nice shot. You sure got some distance there, kiddo."
"Get off, right now. Let me up. Let me go. Now." Jack felt his restraints fade away, and he sat up in an instant. Kcaj smiled up at him, and Jack glared with all the fury of an ancient god. He reared his fist back and punched his lookalike to hard that her skull cracked. The sand swallowed her up before he could do anything else.
"Have fun?" Anathane chided.
"Have fun? No! Today has been awful! First, school sucked, then I had to work a double shift at work! Elassa got drunk and I pulled her out of a bar, but only after I had to eat out a chick because Elassa ran up a huge fucking tab! You got pissed at me! I fought a boxer! I quit my job! Gave Elassa a mental meltdown! Got fucking jerked off by my clone! And I fucking got semen all over me! Fuck no I didn't have fun! The only good part of my day was when I got to be alone with Elassa! Fucking Christ!"
"So you did have fun."
"What is your major malfunction?! Anathane, no! I didn't have fun! My day sucked, save for one part! What's wrong with you? At first you were mad and threatened to kill me, then you wanted to fuck me, and then you tortured me! Are you mad at me or not? What the fuck do you want! Why is everyone I know bipolar today! Fuck!"
Jack pulled Elassa to her feet and kissed her. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He just wanted some kind of outlet to vent all of this crap on. And Elassa seemed to be the most desirable one right now. There was no way in hell he was turning to Anathane for help.
Much to Jack's surprise, Elassa started kissing him back. The incubus felt everything simply wash away like the ocean tide and held Elassa more tightly. They shifted over to the rock still waiting silently to be used, kissing each other more deeply and desperately. Jack giggled giddily with Elassa like doing something naughty wasn't commonplace for either of them. She pushed him back and kissed him again, more fiercely this time. Jack was already starting to forget all about his troubles as he looked into her happy eyes.
------------
It was actually surprising that those two could just forget everything that had just occurred and sit there like they were finishing out the best day of their lives. But they needed rest right now. They could always make love and giggle and play again later. There was still work to do, and even though it didn't look like things were getting serious now, they were.
Jack still had to go through with one last session with Elassa, the one where she'd lose control. With a deep breath, Anathane calmed herself. She changed the air around them into a chemical agent that would effectively put them to sleep for a time, and they were soon nodding off as expected. Anathane smiled happily and warped over to them, stroking Jack's hair gently.
She kissed both of them on their heads and turned to leave. And even though nobody would ever see it, a few words appeared on the side of the pristine white block.
Here lies a boy, with countless sins
And a girl that's quite insane
And soon to be two opposite twins
And a jealous Anathane.
A/N: Here's a longer chapter with a lot of twists and turns. Very confusing, yes, I know.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 3 years agoI came down here into the comments because I wanted to see how many people were complaining about the gay thing. A lot of people. "Ew, awful, stopped reading your work, so put off by it." Fuck that. Good job going there. Rape is already established in this story (as much as I shrink from the word, that seems to be something demons are fine with), and if a woman were raping another woman the comment section would be silent. It'd be, "when is she gonna start liking it?" (Not because that's what happens in rape, I'm talking purely about the expectations your story has already set.) Even a straight woman who never had a single thought about another woman would just read past it, because this shit happens all the time on the site. But when it's two guys suddenly it's literal torture (which rape is, but again...). If there were something else they kinda weren't into, they'd read past it. When Kan had the biggest cock in the story so far, Anthony just got used to it and he was jerking it off. The ONLY reason this puts them off ANY more than things that have happened already is societal taboos on gay male sex that somehow transcend all the other taboos that people are fine with breaking. (And I think you were drawing attention to the problem you knew existed with how you wrote his reaction, which is a good thing to do.) Get used to it people, goddamn, get some tolerance. You don't have to like it, but read past it like anything else.
Now that I'm done ranting, I'll mention that often during series like this I kinda give up on perfect continuity and just take it as it comes. You may have been inconsistent in basically every other part of the story so far, but you've been consistently inconsistent, so I'm used to it.
The only thing that kinda mildly disappointed me in this one is that you accidentally ruined the effect of what was meant to be an entertaining quip by using the wrong word. I've been withholding my pedantic nature until now, but this is like fumbling the punch line. It's "resignation," not "recognition." (OK, I'm done, sorry.)
Anonymousover 3 years agoI felt like Jack throughout this chapter. Totally screwed and NOT in a good way. The girls do nothing but sponge off him and when he's working to pay the rent, E blows all the cash in his wallet on booze at a bar. Then A gives him a ton of grief about taking care of E. Isn't he supposed to b the master? This episode totally sucked.
sviedabout 7 years agoI agree with t_weezy in almost everything. Especially that this is an enjoyable story. There are, however, some dramatic tools that could validate some of what he's complaining about. First of all I can be recognized that since this is all happening in such a small time frame that it could feel random or feel like things are left in the wind when in reality it's just that they'll get picked back up in time because they are happening at a more regular pace. For example, his relationship with Alina and her character being introduced could be worth it and validated if we come back to it later. Having her grow closer in the span of weeks or month (depending on the length of the story). I agree that the thing with Anthony feels beside the point. Since this is more a serialized work than a complete succinct singular book there is more room for side plots. My problem is that you choose to include him his problem while dropping and ignoring more pertinent aspects of the story. One of the main ones being his relationship with the girls and the whole 'balanced sex thing.'
I'm fine with a little anticlimactic occurrence because it makes the story feel more real to me. One example is with the vampires. It kind of felt like there was going to be more, and maybe there will be, but then it fell kind of short of my expectations. It was just enough that I wasn't super disappointed though. The thing with Elassa and Melissa was potential a fun little twist to the readers gut. Sure we were getting set up for some excitement. It's a nice little bit of anticipation before having pulled out from under us. I'm even ok, maybe, with us getting a drunken fit instead. Again it can give it a certain feel a realism and authenticity. My real problem is two fold. One There's so much going on in so few words that things get lost. It's not uncommon to feel like you tossed out five things that your story is going to start building to and then you turn around and forget them and start throwing random conflict at us. The second is sort of related. Though I can approve of and appreciate a certain level of realism to contrast the fantasy aspects of the story, unless you are intending to the story in a dark or super realistic direction there needs to be give and take. After building us up for the expected scene with Melissa and then pulling it away to be replaced with a drunken fit you should of lead to some kind of a reward to the reader to take the sting off of the bad stuff that's been happening and the disappointment you've left us with. I thought that's where things were going on the beach. However, all you do is tease us and Elassa and then rape Jack...again. And you did it with a male no less. Then there was no violent satisfaction afterwards. Either you or the characters either have or are going to get a complex, or even the to the reader. The threshold of abuse to caring tenderness is just way too far south. These characters violently abuse each other only to show tenderness for like two seconds before deciding that rape and or violence is the order of the day again. On top of all that everyone seems to let the abuse go more easily than the reader can, or at lease I can, so I'm left feeling like I'm observing a violent and abusive relationship where they say they love each other but they really just love using each other. If there's some aspect to this that takes the edge off the abuse help us understand it. For example, I would normally find making a woman bleed from her tits because you were so ruff with her to be a total turn off, even if she seems ok with it. It's going to take a while for it to heel and it might leave scars. However, I was OK with it here because she's not human and will heal much more quickly. See what I'm saying. You can make us more OK with the abuse if you help us understand that it's not the same thing in the grand scheme of things for these characters as it would be for us
As always. I do enjoy this story it just has a few flaws that I thought might benefit some to be discussed and pointed out.
Anonymousover 8 years agoI understand that this story has ended a while ago, but I feel like writing this comment as if it is still being written. I should also prefix by saying that I, in general, like your writing-
I have been reading this story for a while and I don't really know where I stand with it. While you have had interesting ideas, plot points, themes, and characters it has all been so INCREDIBLY randomly structured that one becomes annoyed. If this story had context, character development, structure, and most importantly background information it could be great, but it continuously falls short. Entire characters and plot points have been introduced and discarded a chapter later and then randomly return 8 chapters later without any explanation, the vampires, Alina, and Elassa and Jack's relationship to name a few. I feel like am reading random extracts from a broader story, picking 60 random page numbers of a 300 page book and then trying to argue that the entire book has been written.
I think what annoys me the most is that this story has in contextual time only happened over 14 days but all characters are referring to one another as if they have known each other for years. Their emotions for one another develop so quickly that things might change while I am pouring milk into cereal...
In summary, It would be very enjoyable to see you improve, but currently your writing "could be better."
P.s. T_Weezy summarized several other of my thoughts of your writing.
T_Weezyalmost 9 years agoBefore I go off on a tirade about all the things you've done wrong, I want to say that even so, you've done more things right, and that I really enjoy your writing, even if it frustrates me at times. I still gave the story 4 stars. Try and remember that, or this is going to sound really harsh. I just want to see your writing improve. I think that a good editor could go a long ways towards making that happen; sometimes you don't notice problems with your own plots unless someone points them out to you.
I really did not need that gay scene at the end. I'm disappointed that Jack didn't even get to rip Kcaj's cock off at the end like he promised he would. Now I'm fantasizing about a guy suddenly sprouting horns, demonic wings and claws and using said claws to messily detach his clone's genitalia from its body, because at least then I'd get some fucking vindication after that scene.
I know you're not building up to kill off the main characters, because that would be ridiculous, but...there are just so many promising story threads that you've just left hanging, and for what? To pursue a scene where the main character gets molested and raped by his own clone while his lover is forced to watch, all at the behest of someone who claims to love them both dearly?
I mean, you could've gone ahead with that whole thing about "you have to make sure that you fuck Fain and Naif at least once a day each, until they've each gotten three loads or [implied super bad thing will happen]". I mean you just sorta dropped that bombshell on us quite a few chapters ago, and then promptly forgot all about it, never to be mentioned again.
And then there's the scene with the Melissa. The scene ends with them waiting for him to get home so he can fuck them both silly, with Elassa excitedly sharing the pleasure that is Jack with her new friend, but no, he didn't come home, and instead of the steamy sex scene we were led to believe was going to happen, we're treated to a super depressing scene of Elassa getting fall-down drunk at a bar, because apparently even though morphine doesn't effect succubi and incubi as strongly as it should, they're apparently susceptible to alcohol.
And don't even get me started on Alina. I mean, she has (or had) real promise as a character, and then you just sort of...abandoned her. Mentioned her a couple of times, but never actually saw her again. They went on one date, and it was great fun to read about, and it looks like there's more to come, and I got all excited about it, and then you just sort of dropped her. Suddenly she can't ever hang out anymore. We don't see her anymore. She's mentioned offhandedly once or twice but it's like why did you go through the trouble of writing her into the story if you were just going to end up using her for a couple of one-liners about how Jack already has enough on his plate?
Lastly, the whole thing with Anthony just sort of felt like an unnecessary distraction from the main story. I get that it's a story arc that you had in your head that you wanted to write about, but sometimes you have to either find a better place for it, or leave it out, because there's just not enough room left in the story for it. It's like building a Magic: The Gathering deck; you have 68 cards in the deck, and you need to get it down to 60 but you really like every card that's in there. You might be tempted to just leave it at 68 cards, but then you'd find yourself at a severe disadvantage (more cards in a deck means lower chance of drawing the specific card you need at any given time), so you have to find 8 cards to cut from the deck, even though you really don't want to. Writing is the same sometimes.
