C'est La Vie

"How do you do, sir?" I found myself responding as I shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you again."

"Capital, capital." Albert grinned back at me.

I'm really not sure what the "Capital, capital," phrase is supposed to mean or imply. But from memory I knew that it was Uncle Albert's habitual response to almost anything and everything that was ever said to him; provided things were going as the old codger wished, that is!

At that instant Tamsin - her duties on the receiving line apparently fulfilled - appeared before me.

In fact (forgetting her manners completely) Tamsin elbowed her way rather rudely between her Uncle Albert and myself. The expression on Tamsin's face I can only describe as one of overt distaste.

"You've got some front, turning up here! What are you after, some kind of a hand-out or something; or did you just want to embarrass me?" Tamsin demanded, albeit surprisingly quietly.

I suppose I should point out here that Tamsin's words - and the manner in which she phrased them - were lifted directly from The Witch's repertoire. It hadn't been my daughter speaking to me. It was a Tamsin who'd been brainwashed since shortly after her birth, by The Witch! Understanding that fact left me disappointed, but I did not hold Tamsin's attitude towards me against her. It just assured me that things were as I'd always expected they would be.

I looked from my daughter to Albert, and then at Megan stood by my side.

"I told you this was not a good idea, Megan. I'd better leave now." I said and turned to walk away.

"No, just a minute young man?" Albert called out. Loud enough to draw the attention of almost everyone standing near. And with authority enough to bring me to an instant halt.

I turned back, wondering what the old boy was going to say.

"Tamsin, your father has travelled almost halfway around the world to be here with you on this, your special day. The very least you can do is behave civilly toward him!"

In fact Albert's statement was untrue, I nearly always spent the British summer months in the UK. Most of my ship/natural history work was in Antarctic waters, but very little goes on down there during that time of the year.

My daughter looked... well, I'm not sure... perplexed, I suppose you would call it. She glanced from me to her Uncle, at all the people watching and then back at me again. Then she said.

"I'm sorry... father! Your unexpected presence took me by surprise. You've never made a point of being interested in my life."

"And just where did you get hold of that idea, Tamsin?" Albert... roared. "I'll have you know young lady, that your father has followed your development extremely closely. He's risked arrest on numerous occasions, just so that he could witness significant events... occasions in your life! Haven't you young man?"

"I'm sorry sir," I began to reply, but Albert - on a roll - continued speaking.

"Prize giving at that damned silly expensive school your mother insisted on shipping you off to. I have it on very good authority that your father was there for every one of them. And, he was also at your graduation from university!

"Damn-it girl, you walked right past your father to collect your diploma, without even noticing him. He knew who you were, but you failed to recognise him. Mind you, neither did your mother and that possibly saved your father from a visit to the local magistrates' court."

"I didn't know you were there Uncle Albert." Tasnim ventured.

"I wasn't, Tamsin! Not as regularly as I'd liked to have been, anyway. Your mother and I had our differences - you know that! But I have people who have kept a wary eye on your development all these years, and they could recognise your father. It wouldn't have done for one of them to have inadvertently broken your father's cover, would it? When your mother was around, your father's presence was technically illegal.

"I would suggest, Tamsin that you smile sweetly and forget your imagined differences with your father. I assure you, he... or rather your father's reputation in your eyes, has always fallen victim to circumstance, coupled your late mother's exceedingly poor judgement. Lets have a family truce for this special day, shall we?"

By this time my daughter was looking rather sheepish.

"If you insist Uncle," Tamsin conceded, then added. "But I have to wonder what his motivation is for coming here today."

Then Tamsin turned her back on me and strode away into the crowd. After watching her retreat Albert turned to me.

"William, I'm afraid your daughter has only ever heard a very one-sided account of... her parents divorce. It never did help that you and Hyacinth did not see eye to eye in the first place."

"I was never good enough for Shona in her mother's eyes, sir!" I replied.

"No one could ever have been good enough for Hyacinth, William. I don't think even my brother fulfils that description in my sister-in-law's eyes. However, it would appear that Hyacinth might have thrown-in the towel. She's up there on the dais, apparently rearranging the seating plan at the top table."

Sure enough when I looked, The Witch - assisted by her ever-bumbling sidekick of a husband George - did appear to be rearranging the place settings.

As we watched, I saw one of the photography crew approach them. The Witch had a short discussion with the guy, then - Hyacinth apparently happy with her rearrangements - the little entourage left the dais.

"They're setting up for the group photographs, Billy. We'd better go." Megan informed me quietly.

"No, you go Megan. Tamsin is not best pleased I'm here. Besides, I'd look completely out of place in the photographs not wearing a monkey outfit. It would spoil the set-up."

"Billy...!"

"Don't argue Megan. I'm on the verge of leaving anyway. I knew this wasn't a good idea."

After some more protest, not only from Megan but also from her Uncle Albert, they left me alone and went outside for the photo shoot. Much to my relief almost all the other guests also went out into the hotel's gardens to watch or take part.

I took the opportunity to slip up onto the dais and do a little rearranging of my own.

Sure enough The Witch had seated me alongside Tamsin's new husband. But considering my daughter's demeanour and the fact that I'd never met the young man before, I though that that might be asking for trouble.

And besides Megan, Uncle Albert and his wife - apparently my only overt allies - were way down the end of the table. So I put Tamsin's grandfather back in that place (where I suspected he had been seated on the original plan). Then I shoved my own - hastily scribbled card - alongside Megan down the end of the table. I sort-of figured that that was a far safer arrangement.

On her return from the photo shoot, Megan went into spoilt-child-sulk mode, for a short while. It was a long time since I'd seen her pull that act and I found it strangely humorous. I gathered the act had been inspired by my refusal to join-in the photo shoot.

"Oh well if that's going to be your attitude, I'm going to find the bar!" Was all I had to say, to bring Megan's sham protest to a swift end.

"You so much as dare and I'll..." Megan retorted.

"And you'll do what, Megan?" I asked.

"I'm not sure... Kiss you maybe! I always wanted to do that, but I never had the nerve."

I had always been aware that Shona's little sister had held a candle for me, but I was surprised to hear Megan imply that she was still carrying that torch.

"My god, Megan. I'd have thought you'd have grown out of silly teenage crushes years ago."

"Oh I did. I even found what I thought was 'the man of my dreams'. But I soon discovered that all that glitters is not gold... and what you see isn't always what you end-up with. It was only after I divorced the bugger that I realised exactly what my sister had so carelessly discarded."

"I'm not at all sure that I understand what you were trying to say there, Megan."

"Good, a confused man is a safe one!" She grinned, "Lets go, it looks like they're sitting down to eat!"

The top table was inordinately long and Megan and "her guest" had originally been positioned someway down the pecking order. Although The Witch had rearranged things, I'd reversed her changes, much to the old bitch's confusion. Great fun as far as I was concerned. The Witch appeared to accept my rearrangement without protest, but she threw me a withering glance.

Albert was seated beside Megan. "I thought Hyacinth..." He began to comment, as we arrived at our respective places.

"I thought that her original plan would prove a little more diplomatic, sir." I interrupted him.

"Capital capital, I always knew Hyacinth had misjudged you, my lad. Anyway you will drop the formality please; I'm Bertie to family!"

Through most of the meal Albert monopolised me as far as conversation was concerned. All-but ignoring everyone else sitting nearby - including his wife, but with the exception of Megan who was seated between us - he spent almost the whole meal asking me probing questions about my travels. I almost felt like I was in a witness box. Well, he was a highfalutin barrister who was accustomed to cross-examining people.

"Well, let's see how they're going to handle this?" Albert commented, leaning back in his chair, when the master of ceremonies called for silence for the formal toasts.

Tamsin's grandfather, having given her away (and I assumed paid for the shindig) stood and gave a brief welcoming speech.

Then the old bugger took me completely by surprise by calling on the "Bride's father" to say a few words and propose a toast to the happy couple.

I might add that - from the expression on The Witch and Tamsin's faces - his suggestion had not been part of the master plan, nor had it been approved. And it was definitely not universally welcomed!

Mind, as I said, the old duffer caught me completely on the hop and totally unprepared. So I was forced to rapidly get my act together, and wing it.

I really cannot recall much - if anything - of what I said that day. I think I started by mumbling-on about unfortunate circumstances or something along those lines. But then I got into my stride when I started talking about Tamsin, throwing in just about every humorous incident in her life I was aware of. Whatever, it must have been a pretty good speech, - and I assume sounded pre-prepared - for I was shocked to find that I had the whole damned room in fits of laughter. (Hey it could have been that I was making such a fool of myself that they were laughing at me.) But even The Witch's face cracked at one point in my discourse.

Then remembering that I was breaking the magic seven-minute rule, (yes I did have one eye on the clock, never has a minute-hand moved so slowly,) I proposed a toast to my new son-in-law and his beautiful bride and then I threw the ball into the groom's court.

"That was brilliant, Billie; how long have you been preparing that speech?" Megan asked, as I collapsed into my seat.

"Did it sound okay?" I asked, failing to believe that I'd successfully pulled it off.

"Capital, capital, my boy!" Albert echoed. "With a turn like that, you could make a fortune on the after dinner speaking circuit."

Looking at the portly Albert, I figured he knew what he was talking about when it came to after diner speaking and breathed a sigh of relief.

I'm not sure what happened then, I know that there appeared to be a never-ending round of people leaping to their feet, reciting remarkably long and often un-witty dissertations. Also toasts were made to every Tom, Dick and Harry you could think of, including the Queen.

I'm really not sure where she fitted into the equation; maybe someone was trying to bring the seemingly unending cycle of mundane speeches to a conclusion.

I did note that none of the people who did speak managed to match the apparent hilarity of my own rendition.

"Come, my boy, I have a little corner all picked-out and reserved." Albert said as folks finally started to vacate the dining room.

It was at this point that I really began to suspect that Megan and her Uncle Albert had somehow planned-out my day in advance.

Maybe it had only been a rough outline, but the two of them obviously knew what they were doing and appeared to work in unison. Uncle Albert's wife never did say much of consequence to me, but she smiled pleasantly whenever our eyes met.

Megan - taking a firm grasp of my right arm again - guided me into the next room and over to a table quite near to the bar. Strangely - for a wedding reception - that table was within it's own little roped-off area: something like the executive areas you sometimes find in up-market nightclubs. I've always thought that sort of thing pretentious and I felt out of place sitting there.

A young woman - who it became apparent had been assigned as Albert's personal waitress - promptly appeared and took our drink orders. I noted that almost everyone else had to queue at the bar in order to obtain... refreshment. Few if any of them ever seemed to be able to catch the young woman's eye when they attempted to order from her.

I also noted that there was a similar enclosure on the far side of the room, but for the time being that remained empty. Later though, I spotted that The Witch, her husband and the Groom's parents retreated there, occasionally.

Shortly after we'd been served with a first round of drinks, Sir Albert Stone began holding Court.

Numerous lesser members of the Stone clan (some of which I'd met at my own wedding many years before) would arrive, introduce their (mostly charming, but sometimes hideous) offspring to Uncle Albert. Then having thoroughly doffed their caps to the family patriarch, they'd retreat into the anonymity of the crowd again.

The pointless pantomime bored me silly and must have gone on for nearly an hour. During the whole of which, Albert said little else than keep repeating his pet phrase of "Capital, capital!

Sometimes he even added a third "Capital!" for good measure. To be quite honest with you, if the whole palaver it hadn't been so ludicrous, it might have been funny.

I'd been trying to ignore the pantomime and I probably would have retreated had Megan not been hanging onto my arm for all she was worth. And unfortunately Albert had decided to ensure that all of our visitors were reminded (and informed in some cases) that I was Tamsin's biological father. I do believe that Albert's intention was inform those who believed otherwise that he had decided to revoke my previous status as 'family pariah'.

Whenever I tried to ignore what was happening beside me by chatting with Megan, Albert would introduce yet another family member, no matter whether they already knew me or not.

There was one short interlude in the sycophantic display while her new husband whisked Tamsin around the dance floor. No, I wasn't called upon to dance with anyone at that time. Which was rather handy in a way, because I'm not all that hot at the old formal stuff, especially when my partner and I are the centre of attention.

"I do believe that's the last of them." Albert said - with a relieved tone to his voice - as the final little family group retreated from our enclave. "Now my boy, I really do think we'd better get down to the serious business of the day. We can't have that daughter of yours addressing her father in the manner she did earlier."

"Damned impertinent of the child. It might have been handy if you'd been around to put her over your knee and give her a good spanking years ago. She certainly needed it! Damn-it that's what her mother needed as well, George was always too soft with Shona, and young Megan here."

"Oh, cheers Uncle Albert!" Megan grumbled.

"Oh you weren't all that bad, Megan. But you have to admit you could be a cheeky little tyke sometimes. Led your parents' a right song and dance on occasion."

"I was never as bad as Shona, Uncle."

"No, I'll concede you that, Megan. But I'm sure that if William here had put Shona over his knee and tanned her backside for her the first time she stepped out of line on him, everyone's life would have been a lot simpler. Including his own!"

"Knowing Shona, I'd have spent most of it behind bars, Albert!" I interjected.

"Yes, you're right; possibly you would have, William. Shona was a law unto herself and displayed distinct lack of good judgement... and conscience on occasion."

"On occasion?" Megan queried.

"Alright, rather too frequently." Albert agreed. "Anyway, young man, it's about time we repaired your relationship with that daughter of yours!"

Albert gave a cursory wave of his hand and our waitress appeared. He whispered something to her that I couldn't catch and then she was gone again.

A few minutes later Albert suddenly took to his feet and ordered.

"Come along you two, we can't do this in front of the world and his wife. Things are liable to turn unseemly!"

Then the big man strode away towards the main foyer. The crowd on the dance floor appeared to magically clear a path before him. Megan, still clasping my right arm in that iron grip, guided me along in his wake.

I think I mentioned that I thought the day had been pre-planned. That feeling was reinforced by the fact that Albert led the way into another - much smaller and almost completely deserted - function room.

What struck me as odd, was the fact that the young lad (obviously) guarding that room - he removed a rope that barred the entrance as we approached - just happened to be the same member of the hotel's staff that I'd dropped a few bob to, to gain access to the Minstrel's Gallery.

It was set-up, furnished more like a lounge bar than a function room, but sans the bar itself. There were however many large sofa's and on one tucked away in corner, three people were seated, two men and a woman.

For some reason they looked out of place to me and I knew that they weren't part of the wedding party. They wore no white carnations for a start, and even I had managed to purloin one of those before the service had begun.

The woman... well at first sight, I took her to be one of the hotel's office staff. She looked like a very efficient (and damned attractive) young secretary. The two guy's were a different kettle of fish. They were smartly dressed but not excessively so. And one of them looked unsettlingly familiar to me... I felt I'd seen the bugger before and might even have spoken to him, but I could not recall where or when. The second guy was a complete stranger to me, much as the young woman was.

Ignoring the three interlopers, Albert headed for a circular grouping of sofas. He'd no sooner seated himself and indicated where he expected Megan and me to sit, when our waitress appeared carrying a tray loaded with even more alcoholic beverages.

"Uncle Albert," (Don't ask me why I decided to address him as Uncle Albert, he was no Uncle of mine, but it felt right on that particular occasion.) "If you don't ease-off on this booze a little, I'm going to be as pi... drunk as a skunk before the evening's out!"

"William, drunks, fall into several basic categories: The obnoxious argumentative or fighting drunk. The tedious, talkative drunk. The dozy sleeping drunk and the... more amiable, happy drunk! I happen to be aware that you are usually classified as a member of the latter variety." Albert replied, in his authoritative tone of voice and a disconcerting smile on his face.

I had to concede that Albert was correct in his description of my demeanour when I am... was under the influence of an excess of alcohol. (I no longer drink to excess, ever! My wife would not appreciate it if I did.) But I was acutely interested in how he could have possibly known that fact. It wasn't like we moved in similar circles or anything. Crikey I'd come into contact with the man no more than four or five times during my whole life.