All Comments on 'Charlotte's Sexy Web Ch. 01'

Because you are very literate and write so well with very few errors, I keep hoping your stories might improve but they don't. Still stullifyingly boring - both conversations and narrative with too much unnecessary stuff slowing things down. Just one example: "She said, "Oh, I forgot to turn on the air-conditioner." It was indeed uncomfortably warm in the apartment. She turned on the window unit, which was to my left, and hit the high button. Her apartment was in the back and her windows faced an interior courtyard."

Pointless. More words aren't always better when they do nothing for the story.

Again, the sex is skimmed over. These are two young people turning themselves on playing games (and I have to wonder: Did you never just take a girl out, go to a movie, a picnic or a restaurant and have a normal date without all this role-play thing with explicit instructions listed?) there is no excitement, no heat, no details, no involving any of the senses.

I know you don't get that and I'm wasting my time trying to be constructive, but if you are uncomfortable writing sex, you'd be better off leaving it out. Boring sex is not better than NO sex.

1. I like role play stories because people will reveal sides of themselves that they wouldn't on regular dates. In this case Charlotte - she admits this - enjoys the power she has in teasing and then rejecting this guy even if he's her real-life boyfriend. (I've never had first-hand experience with roles myself.)

Maybe my story Springtime at the Paradise is closer to your tastes.

2. Have you tried writing some stories? You seem to have a clear idea of what you'd like to do (unless perhaps you already have some under your user name.) For example, write about a picnic date. (I have an idea for my own picnic story; it's not a role-play.) Send me a PM and I promise I will read what you wrote.

Some further thoughts: at least I didn't go full Updike with this story. If I had, I would have described the interior of the bar, what the bartender looked like and what he said, etc. Of course JU is, or rather was, worthy of literary respect, but he did write sentences like, "The guest bedroom is entered off the living room to the right, and has its own bathroom that backs up to the kitchen plumbing." That is in the middle of a multi-page description of Harry Angstrom's apartment (Rabbit at Rest). Even I want to quote George Carlin, "Let's get to the fucking already."

What strikes me is that you have not just commented on the stories, but you are making inferences about me, such as about my experiences on dates or how I feel about writing about sex. To partially quote Ice-T, "You don't know me."

Of course I don't know you either. Since I can't see anything you may have written, how about you tell me some stories on the site that are you're favorites? I'd like to read them.

its different than i thought it would be but different isnt a bad thing i love to read so i enjoyed the story more than i expected to

Role playing is an interesting thing to write about although I've never done one in real life.

Several of my stories are about these games if you like to read about that theme. One of them has the same characters as this one.