All Comments on 'Cheer Raider & SABRE Panther Ch. 01'

I like it, I like it a lot.

Some pointers if I may: To much detail in to short a space.

You've crammed all the info on the girl's outfit into a paragraph. spread that out over the story and you've got the details you need to get people imagination going, but without telling them every single detail.

Differ between dialogue and mental thought.

Use an italics, or * marks to suggest mental communication

Dialogue vs text

your dialogue flows like your text. people are lazy and use all the shortcuts of English when talking. bring them in a little bit more

Fast pace vs world building

you've got the pace really fast, jumping from one thing to the next where you've sorta thrown shit together. suddenly he has a younger brother neil, suddenly he has weapons like this, suddenly she has a voice inside her head, suddenly they're having sex.... to quick. slow it down, flesh it out, build it up to a reveal. lets discover it with the character rather than just say whats happening to him.

if you want more editing help, hit me up for collaborating

JC

This story really has potential. With very few tweaks it could be great. JC knows what he is talking about, listen to his able advice. Waiting with interest for the next chapter.

JC sounds like they may be able to help you out a bit. Like it was said before, the story has potential but the pace needs to slow down a little and it needs to be fleshed out. Dont feel like you have to rush the story, let it flow from one scene to the next. Maybe consider an edit/re-write for chapter 1

A great fun story hope to see the next chapter soon.