All Comments on 'Chocolate Girl'

...big-time! There's hardly a sentence in it that doesn't have at least one problem.

Some examples:

1. "The museum is closed. Taisha stared at the new exhibition"

Problem: change in tense. 'is closed' indicates Present Tense. 'stared' indicates Past Tense. Pick one or the other and stick to it through the entire piece.

2. "Where in the Hell did the money come for this?"

Problem: missing word. The word 'from' is needed between 'come' and 'for'.

3. "And the fact a board member..."

Problem: missing word. The word 'that' is needed between 'fact' and 'a.'

... and on and on. The errors are surprising, given the good qualities the piece shows (nice vocabulary, an interesting premise, characters not normally found on Literotica, and more). Is your protagonist African-American? It wasn't until I was re-reading the piece (to find the above errors) that it dawned on me that, with the name 'Taisha', she likely was black (which gives the piece's title an interesting meaning).

Thanks for sharing the piece with us, but please have an editor - or at least a proofreader - read your next submission before you submit it.

-Rei

Fair enough. Thanks for your comments.

I found the fantasy delightful.

Awesome, Hot chocolate girl!! Keep up the great work!!

Thank you!! Wonderful!!