City of Angels Ch. 04

But it was too late.

Craig got in his Porsche and sat in the driver's seat for a few minutes—the same car he'd driven like a mad man through the streets of LA, the same car he almost killed himself with. He needed to sell it, immediately. He didn't want it anymore. He pealed out of the driveway and took off, eager to get away, eager to get on with his life. He did not look back.

He drove, and for the first time he realized he was not driving to get away from something—himself, his past, his pain. No, he was driving to get somewhere, and he knew exactly where that was. There was only one place in the world he wanted to be, and that was with Evan.

Evan.

Evan's words from that night suddenly echoed loudly, so loudly in his head:

What do you know about loving a man, Craig, I mean, really know about it?

Not a fuck of a lot, Craig thought. Not as much as I'd like to.

Evan. My god. How selfish he'd been with him, how needy. Had he even begun to love him—really love him, really be there for him? He'd just sort of accepted him into his heart like a mystery, like a gift from the heavens. Had he really earned it? Was he good enough to be loved by him?

Craig had had no idea how he would feel doing this and he was quite surprised at the reality. He was not upset, or afraid, or anxious. When it came to his father, he simply felt empty, and glad to be rid of it. He had chosen a different life. He'd chosen to love. He was not going to remain in the same place forever.

He knew he was stronger. He could feel it. He was going to embrace his new self. And if for some reason, if for some horrible, terrible reason things didn't work out with Evan in the future, even then he knew he'd survive. He knew it. He was on a new path, one of strength and self-acceptance.

Yes, he was driving towards Evan, towards love. But he knew he'd be driving towards that destination for the rest of his life, no matter who was at the end of it.

He pulled into his house very tired. He checked his phone—there were no messages. He immediately lay down to rest. Oh it felt so good. He kept his phone by his side in case Evan needed him, but was almost instantly asleep.

+++

Evan was home talking with his mother and sister, after stopping by the hospital. His dad was due to be released the next day and he had just finished setting up a hospital bed in his parents' room. When he was done, he managed to send Craig a quick text saying goodnight, he'd talk to him tomorrow. Then he took his phone and went out into his back yard. He walked to the old swingset his parents still kept around, probably hoping it would be used by grandkids, and sat down on one of the chained seats.

He stared at his phone for a few minutes, dialed Chad's number—he'd never forgotten it—and hesitated for a few more seconds before forcing his thumb to push the icon. It began to ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi Chad. It's me. It's Evan."

Silence.

"You there?"

"Yes. Where are you? Are you home?"

"Yeah. Dad's coming back tomorrow so I came to get the house set up."

"Uh huh. Well that's good."

"I was hoping we could talk, later, if you want to."

"Yeah. I do. I think we should."

"Alright well I should be free all day tomorrow. You want to hit our old spot?"

Evan heard a little laugh on the other end of the line. "Sure. Sure. Haven't been there in years. What, like around noon?"

"Ok, sounds good. I'll, uh . . . see you then."

The next morning Evan chatted with Craig before heading out. Craig told him all about his "date" with his father.

"Wow. I'm so proud of you, baby. You really did it."

"Yeah, but it seems unimportant now. How are you?"

"Well, dad should be coming home today. Things are fine here. And you know . . . maybe I can move my stuff up tomorrow . . finally make it official."

"Oh, fantastic! I haven't even set things up for you. I'll do that today."

"I miss you, Craig. I can't wait to be there, all the time."

"Me too, baby, me too."

"So I'm seeing Chad today. Hopefully it won't take too long."

"Alright. Call me if you need me. I love you, baby."

"I love you, too," Evan said, clicking off the phone.

He took his bike and drove down to Aliso Beach. It was actually a pretty gloomy day, with dark clouds amassed all along the horizon. At the southern end of the beach, there was a small pier in the midst of gigantic rock formations, shrouded in palm trees. It was secret and private and it was where he and Chad used to come all the time. As he pulled up he saw Chad standing by his VW Bug convertible, the same old damn piece of shit from ten years ago. Evan could not help laughing remember how they used to cram their surfboards in the back and fly down the highway in it.

"Hey," he said, pulling up. "I see you got the old ride out."

Chad laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Well you need wheels in Southern California. I haven't needed a car in a long time."

"So you took a job here, you told me. And my mom mentioned it, too. Coaching?"

"Yes. Fantastic opportunity. Actually I'm an Assistant Coach at USC."

"Awesome. So you'll be, what, moving up to LA?"

"Oh, definitely. I already have an apartment in Silver Lake lined up. Are you still in Venice?"

"Yep. Same old place. But I'll be moving, too, soon."

"Oh, where?" They stood in the parking lot awkwardly avoiding each other's eyes.

"Malibu, actually."

"Ah, moving up in the world."

"You want to head down to the beach?"

"Sure. Let me grab my stuff."

They walked gently down a slippery rock ravine that led eventually into a little cove, where they spread out their towels. They both sat up with their hands around their knees, looking at the ocean.

"Been a while, hasn't it?" said Evan.

"Yeah, but it seems like nothing's changed. Here we are just like old times."

"Some things are different."

"Ah. You mean what I told you."

"Yes."

Evan did not understand why he was so uncomfortable. He was gay, for fuck's sake. He was with Craig. But he could barely look at Chad.

"Well . . . I told you, because I thought it might help explain things—why I avoided you and never responded to your letters or calls."

"It hurt me, Chad. I lost a friend. A good friend."

"I know, I know. That's why I'm here! Evan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for how it played out."

Evan looked down at the sand, digging a useless hole.

"When did you know this? Do you mind if I ask? How you knew?"

"Are you sure you really want to know?"

"Yes," Evan said firmly. "Tell me."

Chad's voice had become softer. "Don't you remember Senior Prom?"

"Huh." Evan grunted. He hadn't expected that. "Prom? What about it?"

"You went. That's what happened."

"And . . . so? I'm not getting it."

"Evan. Would you please fucking look at me? I'm sick of talking to your back."

Evan turned around, a little to the side. Chad's blue eyes were looking earnestly into his own, searching them with nothing but honesty.

"Don't you remember how I upset I got? I was so fucking mad at you, after you asked that girl. Wendy. Fucking Wendy Mancuso, with the big tits. I'll never forget that name."

"Yes. Yes. I do remember. You were mad. You didn't speak to me for like two weeks."

Chad reached out to touch Evan's knee. "Can't you figure out why?"

Evan stood up, brushing his hand off like it was burning hot. He wanted to run away. He paced, not looking at Chad.

"So what, you were . . . jealous or something? I always thought it was because, you know, I got a date and you didn't."

"No, it was more than that!" Chad exclaimed.

Evan didn't want to hear it. He wanted to be anywhere but here! He felt something caving in in mind, crumbling into dust, pulling him down into the sand, into the depths of the ocean.

"I don't want to know," Evan said. "Chad, I don't want to hear this."

"Too bad. You have to Evan. You have to." Chad sat calmly gazing up at Evan, watching him closely, gauging his reaction. He took in his nervous anxiety. It was quite familiar to him.

Evan stood in front of him now holding his gaze. He could not stop the love and pain from flowing into his heart. He could not stop it. He knew what Chad was going to say.

"It wasn't just that you had a 'date,' Evan. God, I'm not so petty as that. Let me explain. Until that moment, that day that you told me—such a silly thing, no big deal, you're going to the prom, who cares?—I never realized that I was gay. Never. And I didn't realize it then, either. All I knew was that it hurt me. Oh did it hurt me. It felt like the biggest betrayal. I remember I went home and curled up on my bed and cried. Just sobbed without having a clue why. It HURT. It felt like you'd stabbed me in the fucking heart. And I couldn't understand why, at first."

"So I had to ask myself why this bothered me so very, very much. Why shouldn't I be happy for my best friend, snagging a gorgeous girl?"

"Eventually I did think 'Ok, I'm gay.' But that was the least of it! That was the second realization. The first realization, the most important one, was that—"

Evan interrupted him, completing the thought. "You loved me. And I loved you. We did, didn't we?" Evan said, simply, through a strangled voice.

"Yeah, babe, I think we did."

Evan spun around, bending over to catch his breath. He felt the urge to vomit and hyperventilate at the same time. He could not take this in, even though it was hardly a surprise. But he simply could not face it.

Chad came over and stood by him. "I'm sorry, Evan! I'm sorry to spring this on you, but please understand. Please, please, understand that's why I didn't want to see you. It was just too goddamned painful. Just too fucking painful. I was heartbroken for a long time. I thought you were with women. That girl I heard about, Amy? What could I do? I couldn't tell you. I didn't think I could be the one to tell you, and risk being rejected and feeling that pain all over again. I just couldn't. So I avoided you."

Evan heard him but was shaking his head. "No, no, you're wrong. I mean. I was with women. I was, until recently. I'm gay, Chad. I am. It's just . . ."

Chad felt sudden elation hearing Evan's words. "You mean you know?"

Evan brushed off his question. He was still dealing with something. They were moving too fast.

All the pieces, all the mysteries of his life, were rapidly falling into place, so fast he could not catch up with it. Chad. He had loved Chad. Of course he had. But he loved Craig, too. So why was it so much worse with Chad? Why did it embarrass him and shake him to the core, why did he want to run?

He looked at Chad with dawning understanding on his face.

"It's because I loved YOU. YOU. My best friend. You were as close as a brother to me. More than that, even."

Even now, after all this time, the feelings of shame and self-hatred poured through him. The awareness that he was sexually attracted to someone so close, someone he'd known all his life, it made him feel perverted. Like some kind of monster. And that's why. That's why he could never see it or admit it. Because it was Chad, always Chad.

Evan mumbled. "It's almost like, like . . . incest or something. I can't, I can't be having these feelings for my FRIEND. My BROTHER. I can't, I can't." Even now he felt the urge to vomit at the thought!

"What? What are you talking about, incest, Evan?"

"Nothing. I'm just telling you. I'm understanding. Why I could never see it."

"But it doesn't make you 'sick' and 'perverted.'"

"I know. I know. But I didn't know it then. I didn't know it. Oh, Jesus Christ, Chad, Jesus Christ! I loved you. I really loved you."

"I know. I know you did. And I loved you."

"Chad . . ." Evan said, and grabbed him fiercely and pulled him into a tight, smothering embrace. The emotions of ten years past were as raw and fresh and real as if they were just happening. He hugged his friend, letting himself feel the love he had for him, had always had without knowing it.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"

"It's ok," Chad said. "It's ok. We're talking about it, now. I didn't blame you. And you're out now, which is more than I expected. I thought you were still in the closet. That changes everything."

But Chad felt Evan shaking his head against him and murmuring, even as he continued to hold him.

"No, no, oh Chad, I'm so goddamned sorry."

"What, Evan, what? Don't you . . . don't you feel the same way?"

Evan pulled back, still holding him. His saw the hopeful light in Chad's eyes, knowing he'd have to break his heart all over again.

"No, Chad," Evan whispered. "It's not that . . . it's . . . I'm with someone. I love someone. I have a boyfriend. Oh god I am so sorry!"

"Oh. Ok. Um, ok. Was not expecting that."

Now it was Chad pacing and walking away, unable to look at him. Now he was the one who felt like he had to vomit, like he'd had his knees kicked right out from under him. He bent over and held his legs, catching his breath.

"Ok, whew, that's uh . . ."

Chad's voice broke and a loud sob was torn from his throat. The tears were fresh, but they were actually 10 years old, and his lover was telling him he had a date for Prom . . .

"I shouldn't have come back. . . I shouldn't have come back."

Both of them had been so preoccupied they had completely failed to notice that the dark clouds in the distance were now directly overhead, and in a second a huge flash of lightening and violent crack of thunder shook the sky before it exploded in heavy rain, soaking them to the skin in seconds.

It was dangerous so isolated on the beach, so Evan grabbed Chad's hand and pulled him into the protection of some huge rocks which formed a kind of dark cave. Around them the lightening flashed so near they could see it strike the sand.

As Evan pulled him inside, Chad fell against him, his rain-soaked t-shirt showing the most amazing rippled chest and fabulous abs. His full lips were wet and his eyes drowsy with sudden lust even through his tears. Evan's glance was torn down to Chad's crotch and he saw him, hard, his cock plainly visible through the thin fabric. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop it! He looked directly at Chad with the repressed lust of an 18 year old boy who had never even had a real kiss.

Chad pressed him back against the rocks, staring at him, his eyes drawn straight to Evan's lips. They were so fucking hot. So soft, so full, so sensuous. He gazed for the first time with undisguised sexual longing at his beautiful friend and his hands reached of their own accord to stroke his face as he looked into his dark brown eyes. He moved closer to Evan, who was utterly transfixed. The rain formed a thick blanket around them, shielding them from the storm.

Chad whispered, "You're with someone. Ok. But please, Evan, pleeeeaase . . . ."

Oh the need and longing and anguish in his voice! Evan could not refuse him.

"Please . . . babe . . . just one kiss . . . just once, just this once, please . . ." and then his lips had found Evan's and they were both lost.

It was the best kiss that never was, the spark that never ignited the flames, the touch that arrived ten years too late. Evan felt Chad's tongue push into his mouth and he was 18, a young gay man in love with his best friend, and kissing him for the first time. He was Andy, and he was Brian, and he was Craig, all at the same time, newly born into the truth of his body. It was the sweet taste of another man that had haunted his dreams without even knowing that he had dreamed anything. It was the forbidden lust for his best friend who was like a brother, which had so enflamed his cock the other day. He was utterly, completely powerless to stop it. He sucked Chad's tongue into his mouth like he was drinking in his lost youth, his lost years, all that time he had spent alone, without the feel of Craig's arms around him.

Craig.

Evan moaned, as if in pain. He felt the pull towards Chad like an inexorable slide, like the force of gravity. But it was dragging him away and down, towards a place he did not want to go. He did not want to slide into the past! He knew it would drown him.

He wanted only Craig, and their future together.

With an immense effort he pushed Chad away, shaking his head, covering his mouth.

"No, no, no no, no, no we can't, I can't. I can't go backwards! I don't want this. I can't want this!"

"Evan, please don't do this to me. Please. Pleeeease!" Chad begged him. "Please don't leave me again. Don't run away like you always have!"

"I can't, I can't," Evan moaned, even as he found his arms reaching for Chad again.

It was just at this moment that Evan's phone buzzed in the pocket of his trunks, loud and insistent. He kept it with him at all times, in case Craig needed him or there was news about his dad. He held a finger up to Chad mouthing, "Hang on."

He glanced down. It was a text from his sister Gina.

Evan. You need to come back to the house RIGHT AWAY. Hurry!

"Oh my god. Chad, Chad, I have to go, I HAVE TO GO. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I have to go."

Evan took off running into the rain, leaving Chad with a raging hard-on and a look on his face that would melt the coldest heart.

+++

At the house, Evan hurriedly parked his bike and ran up to the door, knowing what he would find even before he got there.

Gina was standing on the doorway with a look of total shock on her face, holding her phone. She saw Evan approach as if in a dream.

"Gina! Gina! What—what!"

"It's daddy, Evan," she said, with a lost, empty voice. "It's daddy. He's gone."

Evan was vaguely conscious of a voice in his head saying "Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no . . ."

But his sister only heard him say "No" once before he slid to the ground.

+++

In Malibu, Craig was in his bedroom cleaning out some drawers and closets when his phone rang. He picked it up, happy to see Evan's number.

"Hey, baby, I was just thinking about you."

But a woman's voice came over the line.

"Hello? Hello?"

"Uh, hi . . . who is this?"

"It's Gina. Evan's sister. Is this Craig? Do I have that right?"

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! What's wrong? Where's Evan?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know you. I found your number here. Evan is asking for you. Can you get down here? Right away?"

"I'm on my way," Craig said, rushing out of his room.

"Please hurry."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

Craig rushed through the house, grabbing his keys as he flew past the front door. He hadn't ever been to Evan's house but he knew the address and punched it into the GPS.

It was the longest drive of his life.

The rains that had been held back for a year from California had finally broken, and they poured down into the valley with the force of a monsoon. His wipers were going a thousand miles a minute but he could still barely see. He was so scared. He had to get there! Evan needed him. He had to get there!

It took forever. Absolutely forever, with rain and traffic impeding him at every turn.

He picked his way through one fucking little suburban street after another, trying to find his house. He had to get there!

Finally he saw Evan's bike and slammed on the brakes, leaving the Porsche at nearly a 90 degree angle to the curb as he ran towards the door. As he approached, he saw Evan walking towards him, stumbling towards him in the rain, a shocked and dazed look on his face. When he reached Craig he said nothing, only collapsed into his arms. Gina saw it all happening from the window.

"Hey. Hey. I'm here. I'm here, baby, I'm here."

Evan held him like he was the only life raft in the vastest ocean.

"Craig," he cried into his neck. "Craig. He's gone. My dad is gone. My father . . . oh god . . ."

Evan's body shuddered and collapsed beneath him and he fell to his knees, dragging Craig down with him. Craig tried to keep him upright, using his strong arms to prop him up.