All Comments on 'College Loser Ch. 01'

Decent premise, but you skipped or glossed over all the good bits. Instead of just quickly stating that Sarah got him to do all this stuff on camera, you need to walk through each one as its own individual session. I mean, you already had him humiliated, blackmailed, chastened, and cuckolded by the 3rd paragraph!

Show the progression as he tries one small thing for her, then another, each only slightly more embarrassing than the last. Then, when he's gotten used to something, she takes a picture of him doing it - adding a new layer of humiliation. Draw the reveal out and really convey to the reader how it felt for Chris to do these things for Sarah. And then the crushing, stomach dropping feel of jealousy, betrayal, and arousal when he realizes Justin and Sarah's relationship and their intention.

Your readers need to better understand inside your characters' minds and get to know them. It makes the degrading decline even more compelling. As it is, Christopher is a 1-dimensional character and Justin and Sarah are downright caricatures. You gave NO explanation for Sarah's affinity for Justin. No insight into her mind.

I gave it a 2. Only reason I didn't give it a 1 was because it had an interesting premise. But this is little more than an outline at present. Go back and expand a ton more of the backstory sessions and give more insight into the thoughts of the characters. If you can do that with the basic premise you have here, I think it could be a great series. Looking forward to seeing more.

Also, always double check all your proper nouns. You flipped Justin and Chris in a place or two in the story.

I would just get an equalizer and beat the shit out of Justin if I was him!

Nice idea, but no background to really back up the story. Keep trying, but take your time. Development is the key.

In today's society you can't really blackmail anyone. The whole premise is laughable especially in college today. When I was in college you might be able to do it but even in the 80's it would be difficult. Believe me, some where there is a photo of me naked riding on a stolen fiberglass bull from a local steakhouse, being pulled by a stolen State Police car. No joke. When the ass hole tried to blackmail me, the dorm I was at got together, beat him, broke his legs and dumped him at the hospital WITH THE PHOTOS and his blackmail note. I apologized to the steakhouse, and the state police, I paid $2000 in fines, paid $700 to the steakhouse, worked the summer for free (which was fun the waitresses LIKED me), picked up trash for the state for two summers and my record was wiped. Now would that happen today? Probably not, but if he just claimed he was exploring his sexuality the LGBT people would have castrated Justin and the university would have expelled him. Besides, from my own experience as a NERD in high school and college, the jocks were desperate for help (tutoring) and I had more than enough friends in that community (see above) to deal with anyone like Justin.

What happened to they guy who tried to blackmail me? He got 6 months of traction and 2 years for attempted blackmail with 6 months for producing "indecent material". I was told he was VERY popular in prison.

Listen to Rushed and take his words to heart. It reminded me of the first season of the TV show, Grimm. They used every vital plot twists, character role reversal, etc in the first season. Come to think of it, it's the writers of Grimm that suck. You're doing fine.

You've obviously never been to college. Sarah and Justin would be lucky to still be in school the next day. This was poorly thought out drivel. Get an editor or a proof reader or at least re-read what you wrote. This was so bad I'm STILL laughing!

absurd cuck shit.

as usual to offset the asshole of LIT's 1 vote. This old ugly fat lonely fag reads everyone of these stories and then votes 1. He is really the SOB on here who drives all the writers away!!