Dark Desires Ch. 01-02

'Oh Sophie, please forgive me, I'm so sorry. So very very sorry. It won't happen again, I promise. I hope you can forg...'

I couldn't finish what I was trying to say because a long slim finger embellished with the cutest red nail was placed on my lips to shush me. I didn't know how to react. When I finally found the courage to look at her, Sophie flashed me the most radiant smile, enfolded my blushing cheeks in her hands and just said:

'Well, sweetie, it took you long enough.'

I couldn't believe my ears, was not even sure I'd heard her correctly.

'Wh... what... what do you mean?' I stuttered totally confused.

Sophie took my hand and directed me to the couch where she made me seat facing her.

'Okay, first relax now' she told me 'because there's nothing to apologize for. You didn't do anything I didn't expect or anything I didn't like for that matter.'

The whole thing was becoming surreal. But I had to face it, there she was, all calm and collected, telling me that I hadn't done anything wrong. The ball in my throat began to dissolve. Just a little bit. Just enough to breathe. Just enough to notice that she was looking at me with such tenderness that my heart swooned and my eyes moistened.

'So, you... you knew?' I asked incredulous.

'Knew what sweetie?'

'That I am er... attracted to you.'

There was something mischievous in her gaze. Soft, tender, caring, but definitely mischievous.

'There are two things you need to know' she said, 'one about me and one about you. Which one do you want me to tell first?'

'I... I don't know. The one about you maybe.'

'Okay, fine, here it comes: I am a very light sleeper.'

Somewhere in the very depths of my mind a bulb lit up and I blushed so profusely I could feel my skin catch fire. I was my own arsonist.

'I'm... er... I'm not sure I need to hear the other one' I muttered.

'Well, I'll tell you nevertheless because I'm pretty sure you're not aware.' she told me grinning like the Cheshire cat. 'I know that you always try to be as discreet as possible but you're a moaner, sweetheart, and quite an expressive one if I may say so myself. And I'm quite sure you're not conscious of it but more often than not you whisper my name when you... you know.'

At that point there was only one question left in my confused mind: why does the ground never open when you need it to?

Dr Alperin couldn't help a small laugh escaping her. Whatever pain and distress her young potential patient was going through, the fact that she hadn't lost her sense of humour was a good sign. She looked up from her notes and saw a hint of a smile, a melancholic smile but a smile nevertheless, fighting the bitterness that painted Alice's pretty face.

"So, the ground not having granted your wish, what happened next?"

"Well, as you can imagine, my embarrassment and guilt were beyond measure. Night after night after night she had heard me pleasuring myself, for god's sake. And maybe she had even seen me convulse beneath my blanket in the semi-darkness of our room. There was only one thing Sophie had just said that kept my mind from drowning in shame: I hadn't done anything she hadn't liked. She had said that, hadn't she? But what exactly did she mean? And if it meant what I desperately hoped it meant, why had she never said or done anything? Why had she left me in the dark for so long? I had to know. And to know, I had to ask. So, summoning up the very small dose of courage I had left, I did.

'Why?'

'Because it had to come from you, sweetie.' she answered.

'But Sophie, you're the experienced one. You're bold, adventurous, fearless. You always speak your mind and act accordingly. You're everything I'm not.' I replied.

'That's precisely why I couldn't make the first move' she said, 'I was convinced that, had I come on to you, the risk of you getting cold feet was to big. I couldn't take the chance that you'd let your fears and insecurities get the better of you. However great my own want was, I just knew I had to wait until your feelings and desires would be so strong and so mind-boggling you wouldn't be able to keep them to yourself any longer.'

I had to admit it made sense. I was still worried and unsure but I began to catch sight of a small fragile glow at the end of the tunnel.

'Your own want? Does... er... does this mean you're a little bit... attracted to me?' I shyly asked.

Sophie burst into laughter.

'How dense are you exactly?'

I didn't answer but my brain began comparing the bulk density of lead and mercury. Mine was probably somewhere in between.

The therapist couldn't help laughing at Alice's self-deprecation. If the young attorney was showing the same wit in court, she thought, a cross examination mustn't be a pleasurable moment for any witness on the stand.

"Allow me to doubt that. But I understand the feeling. When reality surpasses our expectations we often have a hard time seeing things for what they are as if we don't deserve our dreams to be fulfilled. This is what I call the too-good-to-be-true-moments. But I presume Sophie did what she had to do to help you overcome your disbelief."

"Oh, yes she did. And so much more... But I must tell you that what remains most vivid in my memory isn't the love she made to me that night, however incredible it was. No, it's the reassuring gazes, the soft kisses, the tender terms of endearment, all the little things she offered to the bumbling virgin I was that made me feel safe and protected like I'd never been before. Till the day I die I'll never forget that incredible, mighty, delectable feeling of being who I was and where I was meant to be. For once, I was neither the forgotten child nor the neglected teenager. As corny as it may sound, for the very first time I felt like I belonged. And when I woke up the following morning, snuggled in Sophie's arms, all wrapped in her sweet warmth and at peace with myself, it was to me like another birth. The real one. I was an eighteen years old infant taking her first breath.

To make a long story short, that unforgettable night was the first of many and, despite my constant and distressing fear that such perfection couldn't last, step by step, we learned togetherness. Even if we didn't pronounce the word for ourselves we were becoming a couple. We didn't advertise our relationship but didn't hide it either so that, after a while, the tall blonde and the short brunette became part of the daily college scenery. By the end of our freshman year I was the happiest girl on this planet, all the more so as we were both lucky enough to ace our finals.

The only shadow in my sunny mind was that we couldn't spend the summer together. Sophie was flying back to France to visit her family while I had to stay here and take care of Aunt Deborah. She was fighting her second bout with cancer and her health had deteriorated so badly that doctors doubted she would make it to the end of the year. She hadn't been the most affectionate person but she was my only family left and I felt it was my duty to be there for her.

Although Sophie and I called each other or exchanged e-mails almost daily, these were ten dreadful interminable weeks. A piece of my heart was on the other side of the Atlantic and I couldn't wait to have it back. Apart from tending to Aunt Deborah's needs, I spent quite some time searching for something I wanted to surprise Sophie with when came back.

I found exactly what I was looking for by the end of July: a nice one bedroom apartment, fully furnished, on the third and last floor of an old brownstone, a mere three minutes walk away from the campus. The living room wasn't very big but had a small balcony with a bistro table. What delighted me most was the large bathroom with the most gigantic bathtub you could dream of, where I envisioned us doing luscious naughty things on cold winter nights. I rented it right away. It was a bit of a gamble on my part to make such a move that implied intimacy and commitment. I could only hope that Sophie would like the idea as much as I did."

Engrossed in her past, Alice had not been conscious of the time flying by. Still, when she saw Dr Alperin take a quick glance at her wristwatch she knew what it meant.

"Sorry to have to stop you here Alice but our time is up for today. We'll obviously need another session for you to complete your narrative and for me to begin to understand the issues at stake. I strongly suspect that there is no happy ending to your story or you wouldn't be here today but I would advise you not to think about it too much until our next time together. If you feel comfortable enough here by now to envisage me as your therapist, that is. I know it's easier said than done but in the mean time try to unwind. And don't stay alone at home too much. Wallowing in self-pity is useless and counterproductive. Go out and see people. There's a life out there and you need to feel you're part of it. Okay?"

Alice nodded in weak agreement. She was about to tell the therapist that, apart from two or three work colleagues whom she intermittently shared lunch with, she had no one to possibly hang out with. She was ashamed of that lamentable situation though, so she just shut up.

Regarding their next appointment they agreed on 'the sooner the better' principle and decided on a date and time before the doctor escorted Alice to the door. She was about to leave when Samantha Alperin looked deeply into her eyes and took her hand in both hers. No words were spoken but there was a real soothing warmth in the gesture. Alice welcomed it with a sigh. At least she was now sure she had found her therapist.

***********

Alice didn't like her weeks very much but she hated her weekends with a vengeance. Their only purpose seemed to be to remind her how lonely and aimless she was. But on that Saturday, two days after her meeting with Dr Alperin, listening to the oppressive silence of her apartment, she decided to follow the therapist's advice and not stay confined in her cosy but depressing prison. The weather was showing its best profile, flooding the city with warm inviting rays, beckoning its inhabitants to get out and do something pleasant. Alice saw it as a sign.

She took her big straw beach bag out of the bedroom closet, filled it with a large blanket, the book she was currently reading, a box of biscuits, paper tissues, sunglasses, a water atomizer and a thermos of iced tea she had prepared beforehand. Spending the afternoon in Central Park under the shade of a big oak tree with the latest publication of Michael Connelly - she was a sucker for Harry Bosch's adventures - seemed like a good project.

Apparently, all of New York had had the same idea and had decided to gather in the Park. The vast stretches of lawn were invaded by hordes of city dwellers only too happy to escape their usual environment of concrete and bitumen in exchange for a few square feet of freshly mowed grass.

After a bit of walking, Alice finally found a nice spot that wasn't overcrowded. The big oak tree she had dreamed of wasn't there but it was okay. Her matte skin didn't fear the late spring sun.

She'd been peacefully reading for about an hour when a soccer ball sprung from nowhere to knock over her beach bag and spill its contents. The ball was quickly followed by a fiery beagle that came to a halt less than a foot from Alice and bent its head to look at her reverently as if asking for permission to take the ball back.

A few seconds after the dog, a very young girl arrived, out of breath but laughing like only young children who haven't learned yet how to spell the word 'worries' can. Her hair was so red it appeared to be on fire and her skin had such a heavy dusting of freckles that it seemed like someone had shaken a paintbrush over her. To complete the picture, she had the cutest dimples ever and emerald green eyes so luminous they gave the impression to be spotlighted from the inside. The girl stopped laughing and even began to blush when she saw that her ball had slopped the bag and dispersed the contents all over the blanket.

"I'm sorry." she said timidly, lowering her eyes.

"No problem," a smiling Alice replied, "nothing precious or fragile in there as you can see. What's your name, honey?"

"I'm Caitlin. And this is Sam." the girl answered, proudly showing the three-colored beagle that seemed more impatient than its mistress to get the ball back and resume their play. "Sam is my best friend," she added "even more than Sally Winston".

"Well, I don't know Sally Winston but I'm sure she can't be as nice as Sam. "Pleased to meet you, Sam." Alice said, holding her hand out as if to shake Sam's paw, making little Caitlin laugh again.

"Sally Winston lives in the same building as me and my mommy and Sam." explained the girl. "She's four just like me and we're in the same class. Every morning we go to school together with Sally's mommy. And she likes to play soccer. Like me. And she's very pretty."

"Wow, I think by now I know everything there is to know about Sally Winston. Well, maybe she's very pretty but I must tell you you're a knockout!"

It seemed to make the little girl thoughtful.

"I don't know what a 'nopout' is. Is it bad?"

"Oh no. Not at all. The total opposite in fact." replied Alice with an outright laugh. "It means that you're more than pretty and that, in a few years, all the boys in your school will want to... play soccer with you. But for now, Sam is as good a partner as any I guess." she added, stretching her arms out to give the ball back to a jubilant Caitlin who took it and began to run away before stopping dead in her tracks and turning around to face the smiling brunette.

"You really think I'm pretty?"

"Told you so, didn't I? Yep, definitely a nopout."

"Thank you. I'll tell my mommy. Oh, and I'll be careful with the ball now. It won't happen again. I promise."

It happened again, of course. The ball seemed to be inexorably attracted to Alice. Every time, Caitlin and Sam would come running and every time the little girl would stay a minute or two to exchange a few words with the charming woman who knew how to speak to curious children. After it happened for the umpteenth time, an adult figure approached Alice who, raising her eyes, had the surprise to contemplate a carbon copy of Caitlin, only a foot and a half taller and with eyes that were a slightly darker shade of green. The woman was a living prediction of what the little girl would become in twenty years: a very petite slim woman with flamboyant long hair and an intense green gaze.

"I'm so sorry about my daughter. I've seen her bothering you repeatedly. You shouldn't let her. When Caitlin decides she likes someone, she won't leave them in peace no matter what."

"Oh no, no, she's not bothering me at all. On the contrary. In fact our bouts of conversation are the most interesting I've had in quite a while. And er... to tell you the truth, I feel more comfortable with children. They don't make me nervous like adults do."

"Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't intend to make you nervous. Forgive me. I'll just leave you to..."

" No, no, that's not what I meant. That came out all wrong. It's just that I'm a bit shy and... gosh, I'm making a fool of myself aren't I? But please stay. I'd really like you to stay. You look so much like your beautiful daughter, it's amazing and..."

Realizing what she had just said, Alice blushed profusely.

"You know what, I'll just stop talking. Maybe it'll save me from further embarrassment. Can I interest you in a cup of iced tea?" said a very red Alice beckoning the young woman to seat near her on the blanket.

"Iced tea would be nice, thank you. And don't feel embarrassed on my account. What woman doesn't like being complimented? I'm Sabrina, by the way. But my friends call me Bree."

"Pleased to meet you Sabrina. I'm Alice. But as far as I remember nobody ever gave me a diminutive. Maybe there isn't any."

"Of course there is. You could go by Al or Ally."

"My goodness, definitely not Al. But I think I'd be okay with Ally. So, tell me more about soccer fan Caitlin."

"Well, as you can guess, that little bundle of energy means everything to me. I was only twenty-one when she was born but it was the happiest day of my life. I won't pretend that things were easy then and I had to put my studies on hold for a while but I never regretted it for one second. I had to waitress tables for longer than I would have liked but I was finally able to get my degree two years ago and, as luck would have it, I found a decent job almost immediately. We're not rolling on money, not by a long shot, but we manage."

"Should I understand that there's no father? Ugh... Sorry, you don't have to answer that if you feel I'm being indiscreet."

"You're not. And no, there's no father in the picture. There has been a genitor, obviously, but he was definitely no father material. Disappeared in a cloud of dust the minute he learned I was pregnant. It's just Caitlin and me. And Sam since last year. What about you? Married?"

Alice shook her head.

"Well, I'm surprised no man has withdrawn you from the market yet. Because if you think I'm beautiful, I'll have a hard time finding the right adjective for you. You must have been told a million times that you're Natalie Wood's reincarnation. So I'm pretty sure you need a stick to beat the guys away.

Alice was a bit frightened to reveal who she was to a total stranger but she had always believed honesty to be the best policy.

"Sabrina, I'm... er... I'm gay." admitted Alice, blushing once more. "I'd... um... I'd understand if you'd prefer not to stay now. I know it's difficult for some people to accept my orientation and..."

"You must be joking, right?" interrupted the redhead almost in anger. "Who am I to judge? Whether you're straight or lesbian or in love with a polar bear, to me it doesn't make you a better or a worse person, for fuck's sake - pardon my french. If women are your thing, power to you. And if it can make you feel better, I'm not totally straight myself. There has been a little curve to my road. Twice as a matter of fact. And believe me, I don't regret my explorations in unchartered territories. My only belief is that there are lovable and unlovable people, regardless of their gender and orientation."

Alice was so relieved by the acceptance and so moved by the genuine sincerity she'd heard in Sabrina's voice, she felt tears rise and threaten to inundate her eyes. She coughed in order to conceal her emotions and turned quickly away to take hold of the thermos and refill their cups. That awkward moment drained away, they went on talking about everything and nothing, both happy to learn more about each other, oblivious of the time flying by while emptying the thermos of tea and dedicating the necessary time and attention to Caitlin who seemed delighted to see her mother and her latest adult friend forging bonds.

It was well past seven when the two women realized that Alice's biscuits were long gone as well as all the delicacies Sabrina had brought for her daughter. The little girl and a young dog needed to be fed urgently. Time to leave. On their way back to the park entrance, Alice felt better than she had in a long time and was already regretting the imminent but inevitable separation. They had at least exchanged phone numbers, which implied that Sabrina wasn't opposed to the idea of keeping in touch.

When they reached the exit, Alice kissed a giggling Caitlin, petted an impatient and starving Sam, but it was Bree who took the initiative to hug her and deposit a sweet goodbye kiss on her cheek before walking away towards the subway station. For Alice, watching mother, daughter and doggie walking hand in hand and hand on leash was the sweetest of sights.

**********

Nothing had changed since the last time in Dr Alperin's office. The room looked the same, the paintings on the wall were still there, every piece of furniture was exactly where it had been previously, and the woman behind the desk wore the same generous and reassuring smile.