Dawn over Sun Valley Ch. 07

"Okay, yeah, maybe." He conceded grudgingly. "I get that there isn't necessarily an evil conspiracy there. Still -"

"I get that you feel betrayed, Joe. I get that she'd lied to you. But maybe - maybe she just wanted to protect you. Protect all of us."

"From what? From the fucking truth?" His voice started rising.

"From painful memories, perhaps. From heartbreak." She suggested gently.

"Well, too fucking late for that." he said vehemently, and then shut up abruptly when he realized what he had admitted. His sister just gave him a sad, pitying look, and put her hand on his knee again. Joe gritted his teeth, and then hissed through them.

"She had a million opportunities to tell me. She could tell me when I told her how our mother died. She could tell me when we kissed for the first time. She could have told me any number of times before we -" He stopped, and took a deep breath. "She could tell you, too."

"Maybe she was afraid to lose what she had with you. Maybe she wanted to have it for as long as she could."

He felt those damn tears clogging his throat as realization slowly dawned on him. Yeah. He could see that. Fuck.

"She always knew it would end." He swallowed hard. "And you know what, she was honest about that from the start. She kept reminding me that she will leave, as if she wanted to make sure I didn't get too involved. As if she wanted to keep me from - from falling for her. But fool that I was, I kept hoping I'd be able to change her mind."

He leaned back, staring unseeing at the sloped ceiling of his bedroom. "There wouldn't be a chance for that, anyway, after the way I treated her. God, Tammy, the things I said to her...!"

His sister squeezed his leg. "Maybe she could forgive you. Maybe if you forgave her lies, she could forgive you being a total jerk. From where I'm standing neither one of you is a saint, but maybe you could find a way to overcome this."

He shook his head. "Even if we did, it wouldn't make any difference."

"Why not?!" Tammy's exasperation was palpable. He shrugged helplessly.

"Because in the end of the day, she is still his daughter, Tammy. She is William Richardson's flesh and blood. Which means she was right; this could never be long-term. What would I say to dad? To mom, next time I visit her grave? 'Hey, remember the man who killed you, and ruined all our lives? Well guess what, he's family now. How about that?""

Tammy looked at him in stricken silence. Joe blew his breath. "Yeah. Exactly." He shoved his fingers into his hair, wanting to pull them out by their roots in his frustration.

Silence stretched between them. And then his sister rose, and stepped close to give him a fierce hug. "I'm sorry, Joe." She mumbled in a thick, hoarse voice, and then she kissed his head, and straightened, sniffling.

"I'll just unhook her fluid bag and be out of your hair. You stay with her tonight. Give me a call if you need me."

Joe coughed. "Thanks, sis."

After a few moments, his sister mumbled a final goodbye, and left. Joe leaned back and closed his eyes, succumbing to the weariness that seemed to come from his very soul.

He would apologize to her tomorrow, for real this time.He decided. She deserved it, even if it didn't change the end result. She'd leave, like she said from the start. And he will be left to curse fate for taking away a woman he loved, again.

*

She managed to contain her sobs until she heard the front screen door rattle shut. But once they were left alone she could no longer keep pretense.

Her sniffles startled Joe, who was at her side within two quick strides. His hand found hers, and squeezed her fingers as he knelt on the floor.

"Leanne -"

She made herself open her eyes and meet his, no longer trying to hide her regrets.

"You heard." His own remorse was palpable. She couldn't bear it; it made her cry harder.

"Shh... I'm so sorry...God. I'm sorry. I should never have -" He heaved a breath, looking up and taking a few moments to compose himself before he could look at her.

"I'm sorry I assumed the worse, Leanne. And I'm sorry for the way I lashed out at you, the things I said and did -" He reached his free hand to cup her face, and Leanne pressed her cheek to his warm palm, and gave herself a moment to soak the sweet, comforting touch before she opened her eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry, too." She said softly.

Joe half-smiled, and his thumb caressed her cheek. Leanne choked back her sobs. "God, this sucks!" She finally exploded, and Joe gasped, but then chuckled without humor, his expression as pained as hers.

"It does, totally. God. I'm sorry."

They stared at each other in defeat for a while. Leanne shook her head. "What a mess, huh?"

Joe huffed. "Yeah."

She gulped hard, and then dared ask. "So, you don't hate me anymore?"

Instead of answering, Joe moved around the bed, climbed up, stretched atop the sheet next to her, and gathered her carefully in his arms. Leanne turned toward him with a whimper, and sobbed into the crook of his neck. Joe was silent as he held her through her tears and after, when they just lay there, hugging close, until they both drifted to sleep.

*

She woke up sometime in the middle of the night with a mild headache, hunger pains in her belly, and in desperate need to pee. Joe helped her to the bathroom against her mortified protests, gave her the painkillers left by Dr. Lewis, and then had her sit down in his chair.

"Let me see if there's something in my kitchen. I'll apologize in advance though; the pickings are bound to be meager. I can't remember the last time I made something to eat here. Mrs. Rojas cooks too well."

"There's bread and peanut butter in my dorm room, if you want to go get it."

"You promise not to try to get up until I do?"

"I promise."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

It took him two minutes flat to do the round-trip, and then he was back at her side, watching her wolf down her second sandwich. She really was hungry, he realized, and a troubling thought followed.

"Is that all you were eating for the past six weeks?" He asked carefully.

"Well, not entirely. I also had cereal. And lots of fruit. Mrs. Rojas kept me well-stocked."

The way she said it, with actual gratitude in her voice, made him want to punch something. Just how poor was she, growing up? he thought, and then remembered exactly why she had to go hungry as a kid. No wonder she'd been so damn accepting of their situation. She'd been paying for her father's sins all her life. It was simply the way the world worked, for her.

God, he hated that man.

She fell asleep shortly after finishing her food; he, on the other hand, was too restless for that. He padded down to his kitchen and got a bottle of beer to help force his own sandwich down. At one point he caught a whiff of himself, and realized he stunk. With a disgusted grunt, he marched to the shower.

The hot water helped soothe him. He stayed there until it turned lukewarm and only then stepped out and dried himself. He flipped the boiler to 'on' thinking Leanne will want to shower in the morning, and then donned a clean set of boxers to sleep in. Looking back to the bed, though, he realized that won't be enough, and returned to his dresser to fish out his rarely-used pajama bottoms and a white T-shirt, and then, finally, climbed in.

This time, he snuggled under the covers with her.

*

Waking up with Leanne in his arms, knowing it was for the last time, was the sweetest torture. Joe made himself lie still so as not to wake her, and studied her features in the soft gray light, committing them to his memory.

Her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, princess." The unintended endearment rolled off his tongue, unchecked. A hint of a smile curved her lips, even when her sad eyes focused on his. She remembered.

"Hey, cowboy." She murmured back. He closed his eyes, fighting for composure. Hearing her calling him that reminded him of everything he thought he'd have with her, and couldn't. Leanne cupped his face in her warm hand.

"No, no regrets." The conviction in her voice startled him to look at her.

"I'm sorry for a lot of things, Joe. But I'm not sorry I met you. And I'm not sorry I fell in love with you." The eyes beseeched him, gray-blue like the pre-dawn sky outside. "I will always be thankful you were my first love and my first lover, and I will forever remember everything that you've taught me. No regrets. Please."

He lowered his head next to hers on his pillow. "I regret so much, Leanne. I regret every hurt and pain that I caused you. And I regret every moment I wasted on being angry and sulking that will never return. I'm so full of regrets I could explode."

Leanne turned to her side to look at him fully. "That's all in the past, Joe. We are here, now. Let's not spoil this."

He tried to smile. "Are you one of the enlightened?"

She grinned. "Nah. Just an opportunist. Whatever good life happens to offer, even if it's just small and temporary, I'll take it. There's enough crap out there without me adding to it with my attitude."

He nodded, and then tilted his head to study her closely. "You feel better this morning?"

Leanne breathed in, and smiled. "Yeah. Much better. I think I just needed a good night's sleep." Then she looked down at herself. "I'd love to take a shower, though. It feels like I brought half the dirt from the pumpkin patch into your bed."

Joe's heart kicked, but he pushed any inappropriate thoughts like how much he liked her being dirty in his bed to the back of his mind. Instead, he rolled off the bed and came around to her side, reaching out his hand.

"Come on, then. The shower it is. I'll just make sure you don't fall on your way over." He clarified.

He could swear he saw disappointment in her eyes before she accepted his hand and let him help her the few steps to the en-suit, where he had her sit on the closed toilet while he went in search of a nylon cling-wrap to protect the bandage on her head and then adjusted the water temperature for her. Then he pulled out a towel and hung it on the rack.

"All set, princess. I'll come help you back when you're done. If you feel dizzy sit down first, and then call me."

"Thanks." She smiled at him, and he returned it briefly, and made his escape.

*

The shower was heavenly. Leanne sighed as she watched the suds wash down her body, taking yesterday's grime with them, leaving her clean and fresh.

She looked around at the familiar, small space. She'd taken so many showers here during the summer, most of them shared with Joe. The memories filled her with yearning, body and soul, but she resisted the urge to cry. Instead she turned her face to the water for one last wash and then shut it down, and reached for the towel.

Once dry, she wrapped it around her body and stepped outside the glass door, shivering slightly in the chilled morning air. There was a knock on the bathroom door.

"May I come in?"

She slid the door open to reveal Joe, a pink pile of folded clothes in his hands. "Tammy was over. She asked how you were this morning, and brought you some pajamas." He thrust it in her hands and turned his back, as if afraid to look at her.

"Um, sit down when you get dressed. And let me know when you're ready." He was already moving away, back into the bedroom.

"Joe, I'm fine. Honest. No dizziness whatsoever."

He didn't turn back. "Good. I'm glad. Still - humor me, please."

"Okay." She said softly, and slid the door shut.

*

"I'm ready." Her voice beckoned from behind the thin wood barrier.

He opened the door to reveal Leanne sans the nylon cap, and dressed in the two-sizes-too-large, fuchsia-pink pajamas, which, he now realized, were covered in tiny gold princess tiaras, while the word PRINCESS was emblazoned in bold letters over her chest.

Leanne giggled at his expression."I know, right?!"

Joe groaned his exasperation, and then offered her his arm. "Come on, princess. Your chariot awaits."

Leanne took his arm and let him lead her the few steps over to the bed. She seemed quite steady on her feet, although that didn't stop her from squeezing close to his side, he noted. When they reached the bed he folded back the fresh, bright-white top sheet, and waited for her to climb up.

"I ruined the other set, didn't I?" She asked ruefully.

"You're always welcome to ruin my sheets, baby." He drawled, unthinking, and then cursed under his breath. "Shit. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have -"

"Joe."

Something about the way she said it made him stop and look up. Leanne turned to him, and then stepped so close that their torsos were touching and slipped her arms around his waist. He swallowed hard. She fit her soft, slim body to his, and he braced himself for what he knew she was going to say.

"I know this doesn't change anything." She held his gaze. "We both know that. But will you make love with me, one last time?"

*

She held her breath for so long waiting for his response she damn near fainted again. It blew out in relief when his arms tightened around her, letting her feel his answer, hardening against her belly, before he bent his head and kissed her.

His lips took to hers almost desperately, firm and demanding, before he grunted and pulled away, took a couple of breaths, and then returned, much more gentle this time. His hands came up to cup her face, his fingertips warm as they held her in place to receive his sweet attention.

Leanne almost wept with heartbroken joy, but then she pushed both emotions to the very back of her mind, and focused on the present, on their pleasure and their growing need. Right now, this is everything. The rest will wait for later. Her hands sought his skin under his T-shirt, greedy for his warmth and his good, solid strength. She stroked along his back muscles, feeling them ripple and bunch under her touch. Etching them to memory.

He helped her out of her clothes and then removed his own before taking her into his arms, skin to skin, and then pulled her with him under the covers. Their bodies drew together like they were meant to be.

They touched each other slowly, as if they had all the time in the world, wanting to savor every moment, every sensation.

Leanne loved him with her body, with her mouth and her hands, treasuring every one of his moans and trembles. Joe returned each pleasure tenfold, as if determined to prove it was real, they were real.

Even if not forever.

She cried when he entered her, because it felt like he belonged there. And she cried when she came apart in his arms, because she knew, with every aching cell of her heart, that it would be the last time that she did, with him. She cried when she saw him struggle with himself to prolong the moment, and knew he wanted to treasure every last second they had together.

In the end he let go with a muted cry, and shuddered in her arms as he came. She held him close, thankful for his solid weight pressing down on her, feeling real and secure. Instinctively she knew she would relive that sensation in her mind for a long time to come.

*

They stayed there, intertwined, unwilling to let their last time together end yet, even after their passion had been spent.

"Joe?" Leanne's hesitant question broke the bittersweet silence between them.

"Hmm?"

"If it weren't for your family, if it were just you and me in the world, would you have me stay?"

He pulled back to look into her troubled eyes. The deep-seated insecurity in them tore at him, knowing some of it was by his own doing.

"If it were just you and me you would be wearing my ring already, princess." He hugged her close, feeling her nod against his neck. "But I am not an island."

Her body stiffened in his arms, even as she hugged him closer. "It's not fair!" she wailed miserably, and he could hear the tears in her voice.

He sighed heavily. "No. It isn't."

"It happened twenty years ago." She whispered. "It's already ruined your family. Mine, too. How long will we let it define our lives?"

He shook his head, unable to answer for several long moments. Finally, he spoke.

"My dad fell apart after my mom died. He lost it completely for a while." Leanne quietened in his arms, and he knew she was listening, so he went on. "Julio and Mrs. Rojas were the ones who held the place together, including us kids. It took him over a year, I think, to - I dunno. Work through his grief, I guess. And then, gradually, he returned to himself, to the farm, to us." Joe heaved another breath. "I just - I can't even imagine having that conversation with him. It scares the shit out of me."

"What, you think he would disown you or something?" She wasn't skeptical, exactly, but he could hear a frustrated undertone. He found her eyes.

"I'm afraid he'd break again, Leanne. I honestly don't know how he would react. I just - I can't risk it."

Leanne bit her lip. "I get it. I hate that I get it."

He kissed her hair, and, reluctantly, disengaged from her soft, warm body. "I'll be right back." He murmured, and padded over to the bathroom to get rid of the used condom.

When he returned she was watching him, and he could almost hear the wheels whirring in her head. He lay down on his side, facing her, close but not touching under the light sheet. After several long moments, she spoke.

"That movie, 'The Princess Bride' - do you believe in that 'true love' theory?" She asked, and then added with a self-mocking smile - "I have, like, zero experience in this. You are the first man I've ever loved. I need some perspective here."

Her question was like a punch to his stomach, but he knew what she was asking. What she needed to hear. I can give her that, at least.

"I do, yes. But I also believe there can be more than one true love in a person's lifetime." His low voice was thick with conviction. "You're young, princess. You'll have more true love in your life. I promise." He wasn't so sure about himself, though.

She nodded. "I'll survive this. I know that."

"I've no doubt you will, but I want you to promise me you'll do more than that. Promise me you'll be happy." He swallowed, and pushed through. "Promise me you'll find another love."

"Okay." She whispered into his chest, and her hot tears warmed his skin under her cheek. "I will."

He hugged her close. I hope you'll be happy enough for the both of us.

*

His phone rang, and Joe rolled over and sat on the side of his bed as he reached for it.

"What?" he grumbled.

"Dr. Lewis called. He said he'd be there in a half hour. You wanna come over to the dining hall for breakfast? I can sit with Leanne while we wait for him."

Leaving Leanne's side right then was not an option. He wanted to spend every last moment he had with her. "Um, could you arrange for a couple of plates for us and bring them over?"

"Sure, will do." His sister hesitated. "Hey, Joe, is everything - you know, all right with you?"

Joe threw a look over his shoulder at Leanne, who scooted back to sit, looking at him with that same strangely serene, accepting expression he'd been so confused with before. He got it now.

"No, it's not. But I'll survive." Leanne's mouth curved into a small smile, even as she teared up.

There was silence on the other end. And then - "I wish there was something I could do."

Joe returned his attention to the phone. "You've already done way more than you could imagine, sis. And I have a feeling I'd be needing some more of your pep talks in the foreseeable future."

"You got it." She said softly, and then sighed. "Okay, then. Two breakfasts, coming right up. See you in a bit."

She hung up without waiting his reply. Joe put his phone down, and when he turned to Leanne he found her already dressed in her pajama top, and halfway through putting the pants on. His eyes shot up to hers, and she shrugged apologetically.