Dear Deb

Recently I began writing a series of stories about my first marriage. While I intend to finish those, I was writing them in part to remember and to work through some old issues. I found I needed to put them on hold for a short bit.

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Each marriage comes with its own set of issues, and early in my second marriage -- literally on the honeymoon -- my second wife, Deb, became seriously ill. As she recovered our sex life was immediately crushed. Without going into a lot of detail about that now -- I think it will make for some good future stories - suffice it to say that our marriage for the past 18 years has essentially been sexless. Until this year, only one year had as many as 10 sexual encounters, and most years were under a half dozen.

Because we are a strong couple in so many other ways, I've lived with this, as has she. She has had a difficult time understanding the male need for sex, beyond the male physical need for fucking.

This year I finally grew enough -- and she grew enough -- that we have begun to tackle some difficult issues head on, and as such our sex life has improved. It's not great yet, but it is a huge improvement. We've been together a dozen times since late January, even though there were a few weeks where each of us had the flu. Not just the quantity, but also the quality is improving.

I pushed early in the year -- twice -- that I thought we needed counseling She resisted -- because of the expense (because of a risky job change I made - one that MIGHT pay off - we are currently cash tight). In any case, she thought we were both intelligent people and could talk this out. I agreed, but noted that we have no independent sounding board, so that I'm concerned that sometimes when I push for things that have to do with mutual growth she would translate them to a need for fucking.

This past week, for various reasons, our frequency declined, and I expressed how miserable this made me feel. On some levels -- though we haven't talked it out yet so I am just guessing now -- I think it made her feel like I only appreciated her as a fuck buddy -- making her feel like a whore perhaps.

I've tried to explain the emotional connection in this, but with difficulty. Deb likes to make love in the missionary position, and she is pretty vanilla -- once she is ready she wants me to put it in and for us to have at it. I like A LOT more foreplay and variety.

Last night we made love, and it was a good time. Parts of it were absolutely exquisite, with very intense feeling. But this morning when I talked about it, on some levels she was still concerned that I appreciated her only for the sex, and not for her whole self, and all the other things she does in my life.

I wrote and sent her the following email, so that she might better understand the male thought process while making love (not while having sex.) I thought others might appreciate this as well.

Hi Sweetie,

I am concerned that what I am trying to convey is getting lost in translation. Part of where I am coming from is dependent upon our prior conversations and upon you understanding that I am not talking about sex. I am talking about a deeply personal bond and intimacy that occurs within a context of sex. Let me explain a little, and maybe that will help.

What I am sharing here is to a very large extent how I FEEL about things, especially in the moment of passion. I'm not saying that these things always make sense or are always predictable or consistent -- they are feelings and I'm trying to convey in a clear and explicit way so that you can better understand them. I want you to see into my heart and mind and learn that this isn't just about the sex -- it's about connecting on deep level. I want you to start to understand what is in my head and heart as we make love. And I wish -- I want -- to better understand what is in yours. All these sorts of things are going on in my head when we make love...I don't know that you know that.

PLEASE, PLEASE, read all of this and respond to it -- and do so openly. This is hard, very hard for me to open up this much and I really need to know that you understand this and appreciate the risk I feel in being this open and in struggling to verbalize feelings that are very deep and hard to explain. Parts of this are written from the perspective of my mind and heart as we made love last night...

Last night, when we were in bed kissing, I was very aroused by you. We kissed deeply and passionately. We touched each other's body, and that touching was good, and connecting and arousing and this touching connected me with you on a deep emotional level. You got very aroused and started getting to a point where you wanted me in you. I, however, needed more foreplay. Now, in this email, I want to discuss those things and start to try to help us understand that difference.

I don't know if, at the time that you want me, if you just need me in you, or if you want to start giving me that pleasure, or what you feel. We haven't talked about it. Sometimes I'm ready to take you then -- to be in you and connect in that way. Sometimes the "manly man" just needs to be in you, to press deeply inside you, to drive into you with a deep passion and deep force.

BUT, sometimes I'm not ready, I need more time, more touching, more creativity, and more variation -- and at those times connecting too quickly can actually make me feel badly.

Part of it is that at those times I don't feel that I am pleasuring you enough, or giving you enough time or maybe allowing ourselves to enjoy each other enough -- or connecting with you as intimately as I need -- and this connection comes through creativity and variation. When we go too fast at those times, there is a sense in which I feel that it becomes too much about sex and not enough about connection and that actually makes my heart sad -- I can feel it breaking a little when I don't feel that I am sharing my love enough with you through intimate physical contact.

Sometimes the sense of "rushed" means "I have to be with you" and other times being rushed feels like I am caring only about sex and not about you. I can't predict the context before each time -- it just plays out. But I am trying to delineate for you that there ARE different contexts.

I needed "another step" last night. Another step of connectedness. And this is where I start a dance on the borderline of being frustrated, and sometimes of being truly heartbroken.

Last night I tried to go down on you. Nope. I was not allowed to do that. My frustration increases, a little sadness built up inside me.

We kissed more, and I moved into positions that teased you a little, by pressing my very hard cock against your leg or the side of your crotch. I liked that you continued to respond to my teasing.

You still want me inside you but I'm still not ready.

I put a finger in you to play with you. I liked the feeling inside, the intimacy, your physical responses -- the way you moved against my hand, the way you let me touch you. I wanted to get you even more aroused, pleasure you even more, and have you want me even more. I want to rub your clit and get you close and not have you cum yet. (Actually, I'd like to get to a situation where we could continue playing and cum more than once, but you aren't there yet, so I can't let you cum with the idea of doing more later -- so I must continue to tease and build.) There were times last night when you started to move your hips so that you would grind a little on my finger, and that was deeply satisfying. I knew then that you would let yourself go and be totally open with me, that you trust me like no other man, that you can feel safe to let yourself be completely mine and you trust me to know it will be wonderful.

I stroked your clit and brought you close several times, but not too close. And I sensed that you were not completely comfortable with my finger in you. You felt very aroused last night, but you began to be "nervous" about letting yourself be open to a finger in you -- at least that is how it seemed to me. I tried focusing on stroking your clit more, but I wasn't getting the connection I needed in my heart to move forward with being inside you.

At that moment, I felt "defeated" again, I felt frustrated again. I still needed another level of connectedness before I could be inside you, even though you kept trying to maneuver me to be on top of you. And I felt like I was running out of options, and that scared me.

I thought: "Should I just keep teasing until you realize that there is something wrong? Why can't you see that I can't just move forward? Are you starting to think that I just don't want to fuck you?"

We started kissing, and you started playing with my mouth those wonderful ways you do. You kissed my neck, making my cock even more aroused -- difficult though that may be to believe -- even I struggled to believe it as I felt it happen. My cock wanted badly to be inside you -- but my heart still wasn't ready, I didn't have the connection I need....

You kissed me more, teasing my mouth. I thought about trying to slide away from you in bed, and getting on my knees by your face, to encourage you to lick my cock in that same teasing way that you used on my mouth. If you would do that to the underside of my cock, near the head, the physical pleasure would be intense, but the emotional pleasure would be absolutely fantastic -- I would know beyond a doubt that you are willing to push past your limits to show me how you want me, how you need me. I would feel so wanted by you.

But I knew I couldn't risk it. You were more likely to say "No", than "Yes" and if you did I knew I would be crushed. I would want to cry but wouldn't be able to because I know that if I did it will just make things worse. I couldn't have a failed attempt at lovemaking, not last night, not after what I said to you earlier. I knew you wouldn't understand what I was trying to say to you, you wouldn't understand the emotion behind it.

I started to feel less connected. I was running out of ideas of how to connect on an additional level. I noticed that we are entwined at this point, your body partially rolled over toward me.

I thought about taking you from behind -- about rolling you onto your stomach and sliding over you, you getting on all fours -- I would take my cock in my hand and slide it up and down against your slit to get it wet, to lubricate it, before I try to slide in. Then I would slide in deep and slow, take your hips in my hands and push in deeply -- you would thrust back on me, and you would put your face on the bed, your ass raised, as I slide in and out of you.

You would be giving yourself to me, and enjoying me sliding in deeply, my balls pressing against your clit. Maybe I could rub your clit with my hand or you could rub your clit with yours....

I stopped -- what was I thinking? We have never done this, you've resisted in the past, and it's not going to happen now. I needed to find another connection. Maybe I could get you to lie on your tummy and massage your back, and slide into you while I'm massaging you. I tried to move you various ways toward that, and to slide my hand around your ass, through your legs and back toward your clit. We had some fun changing positions, but you seemed to resist moving toward that position. You still seemed to just want me to mount you missionary style, and I can't. I just don't have the connection in my heart to move there yet.

As we moved around I placed your hand on my cock. You always seemed hesitant to just take me like this -- do you not realize both the physical and emotional power of this simple act? It tells me you want me, that you need to have me, and that you want to pleasure me. I was a little nervous at this point, because I still needed more connection, and it was getting to be a long time and I wasn't getting there.

Then you took my cock, and you did it enthusiastically, and without hesitation. And you held me well, and stroked me well, and I started to feel more connected again, but I wasn't quite there. I rubbed your pussy, and slid a finger inside.

You were more enthusiastic and let me slide in my middle finger; it went in a little deeper. I kissed you and you teased my lips. I was starting to connect.

I wanted to learn more about the inside of you, find the places that bring you the most pleasure, find your g-spot and learn to connect with you. You don't verbalize much so I don't often get the "oh honey, that's wonderful, right there" response, so I always need to really listen to your body-speak. Sometimes that works better than others. Last night I wanted to learn more, to pleasure you more so I started to slide in a second finger, to give you that feeling of being full, and to better feel inside you. But you stopped it, and I immediately read that somehow you felt dirty about this, that you didn't understand the message that I was sending. I lost the connection I'd been building.

You teased my lips again, you stroked my cock. That helps; you're open here in a way you haven't in the recent past. If you would just wet the underside of my cock a little, tease it a little, take me into your mouth just a little, I could connect. I gambled, and said: "Would you tease my cock like that and then let me make love to you?" so that you would know my intent is to make love to you, not to try to cum in your mouth.

But you didn't move in any way to indicate that you would do that. I lost the connection again. I feel heartbroken again. I need for you to give yourself FULLY to me and I'm not finding a way to feel that. What else can I do to get connected?

I noticed again that you were half rolled onto me. I started trying to slide you on top. You expressed concern about being a little heavy, about crushing me? Don't you understand? Your weight doesn't matter!! Your heart matters, your mind matters. I need for you to give yourself to me!

You listened to me when I said you won't crush me, and you slid on top. I started to connect. You hadn't held back -- you'd pushed past your boundaries and given something special to me. I wished you would take your hand and grasp my cock to rub it on your slit and wet it and let me know that you really want me. But I knew that you don't do that, you've never done that, so I reached to do it. It's important for our comfort. I got it wet, and you pushed down and slid me inside.

And instantly I had felt it -- your deep love for me. You were very wet, and warmer than normal. And the way that your hips were moving, were gyrating, and were sliding my cock in and out of you -- I knew that you wanted it. You wanted me. You wanted my cock and your pussy was holding it, caressing it, almost dancing with it. I felt moved, complete. I briefly knew that if I ever saw you enjoying another man the way that you were enjoying me then I'd be crushed. I'd know I wasn't special to you. But right then every physical response of your body told me of your desire for me, of your love for me. It was a powerful feeling, a reassuring feeling. It was a conveyance of your feelings that you cannot match with mere words. The power was great, the physical pleasure was great, the way you were moving was different than the way you have moved before and I knew I would struggle to keep from cumming too soon.

I could reach up and feel your breasts, your wonderful breasts right by my face. They seemed so big right then. Oh god how I love you and how I loved the way your breasts were turning me on. It was all such a turn-on. I could caress your body, front and back. What you were giving me is wonderful, the physical pleasure was wonderful. I felt so connected, and was so enjoying your body - right now I can't even really explain it well.

I could reach down and feel and caress your ass, feel the way you moved on me. God, how you were moving on me. We held each other, caressed, moved, kept switching between the three. I asked you to stop a couple of times. I wish we were to the point in our love-making relationship that we could cum, and rest a little and make love some more, but we aren't yet; so I knew I need to hold back. I thought about cumming and then getting hard again and fucking some more, but I was concerned if I cum we will end up stopping, and I don't want to be selfish, I wanted you to cum. So I held back.

Shortly, I wanted to have you, to pleasure you even more with my cock, to take control. We rolled you underneath, and I pressed inside. The angles were different, and the feeling was oh so different from being in your pussy just moments before. I could feel how big I was, how I had really swelled-up, and it felt good to me to pleasure you like that. I could feel the silkiness of your pussy, and ....it was grasping me, holding me, I could feel the folds of your flesh moving with me. It was so fucking intense, so pleasurable. Shit, I had I tell you how silky it felt. As we moved I knew I swore a few times, because it felt so amazingly good. Your pussy was telling me with all these sensations, on a very basic, fundamental level that you needed me. Your body needed mine; it had to respond to mine. Again, I knew then that no other man could have this with you, and I connected in a way you cannot imagine.

You slid a leg in close, between mine, to squeeze my cock tighter. It made be verbalize again, mumbling "Oh shit". I hoped you weren't turned off. Seldom had I felt this much pleasure, but you were giving me this, and I wanted to pleasure you back. I wanted you to cum. I reached down between our bodies, and found your clit and I stroked it, caressed it, as I continued sliding in and out of you. I felt your arousal increase. We moved toward a climax. I would have loved to give you a mind-blowing orgasm, and you have a nice one. I felt you grasp my cock with your pussy. I wished I could have given you more.

I waited atop you, giving you time to enjoy your climax, to enjoy your afterglow. I was aware that I was still very aroused. I needed badly to cum in you, but I wanted to make certain you we're comfortable, that you were ready for more after cumming You said you were, and I stroked into you, then harder and deeper - I pounded into you, and came hard into you, deeply in you. I hoped you could feel the emotion pouring into you along with my cum.

It was a wonderful time. I wanted to rest and caress and do it again that very night. I knew we wouldn't. But I knew it was an excellent time, and building to more times in the future.

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Honey, next time you think it's only about fucking, only about sex, remember that the above is going on in my head. I hope this helps you to understand me.

John