All Comments on 'Defining Cheating for Couples'

Having a threesome is already breaking boundaries. It seems to be picking over hairs to be finding new boundaries not to break, considering you just broke the big boundary, which for many is having sex, with others, outside of your relationship. If you start to make new boundaries, about what can or cannot happen, are you not simply returning to square one?

If threesomes are risky and exciting, then does it not take much of the romance out of the thing, if you sit and discuss an effective 'prenuptial' agreement, before you even embark on the act?

Is it not more sensible, to admit that if you need to have the conversation in the first place, then you probably shouldn't set out.

You can over think some things. Trying to separate emotional and physical relationships, will probably keep lawyers, and philosophers busy, for a few years yet.

Surely it is simpler for everyone involved to simply accept that cheating has happened, and that everyone did it.

thanks for a thought provoking essay.

Risk assessment? I don't suppose you are an investment banker?

I respect your opinion and feel you are entitled to it. Since you posted a very interesting and respecful reply I thought I would post a reply in response to it, as you are aware I have a different perspective. My hope by replying it can spark other responses that are as respectful as yours.

The perspective that I use in my series is that there is no universal definitions or universal set rules. Instead I feel the rules and definitions we learn is from our experiences over time. Since we all have different experiences we develop different rules and different expectations for the same event. Since having a threesome can have a major impact on a couple's relationship, I feel, approaching it with the assumption that your partner and the invited third person has the same world view as you can lead to problems later. In order to minimize potential problems from the threesome, I feel each couple needs to define for themselves their boundaries, their definition of cheating, and define how their relationship works. This means they need to talk about it, look at their relationship from different perspectives, and if they are going to undertake something such as a threesome then they need to determine what it will mean for their relationship. By such approach, I feel, will lead to accepting responsibility for making the decision to have or not to have a threesome.

At least for me, if a couple approaches a threesome as though the boundaries have been broken and cheating has occurred then, I feel, it set up the relationship for failure. The failure, I mean, is if a couple uses your perspective then if they have a threesome it can become ammunition for one of them at a later date thereby creating more problems for them. My hope with the opinions I present in my series is that it can give a couple a different perspective and gives them points to consider. By publishing the series, I am not saying my approach is the right approach and I am not saying that by following my series that the reader will not have problems if they choose to have a threesome. Instead I am presenting an opinion for them to consider and look at it from their situation.

What do you think?

Is there a different psychology for a MFM threesome than a FMF threesome, and therefore different conclusions concerning the cheating question. I for one don't see how consensual sex between three people, two of whom are married or in a committed relationship can be considered cheating. Everything is in the open and known to the couple. Second guessing is another matter. I think a more relevant issue I'd whether it was an enjoyable experience for the couple, and whether they would repeat it? If the sex is good and satisfying, what is the problem?

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for your reply and I find it quite intellectually probing that will keep me thinking long after my reply. The perspective that I try to use in the thought piece is similar to your belief, whereby if it in the open and communication occurs then no cheating has happened. At least from my perspective developing a laundry list of behaviors that define cheating is, for a lack of a better word, adolescent and can create problems for a couple especially if one of them assumes that their partner has the same world view as them regarding cheating. Instead I try to propose a definition that is fluid and can be adaptable because it is defined by the couple, not society, religion, or a list.

Moving on to your statement about the psychology regarding cheating for mfm versus fmf is intriguing. At least from our experience if the relationship is solid between the couple then the other male is not seen as threat to the relationship and plays a role in providing additional pleasure for the female half of the couple. The second male becomes an extension of the couple's sexual exploration of their boundaries. Provided that the communication exists the second male will understand his role and when the time comes to end the relationship, it be easier.

With that said, because it is easier for us to arrange a two male threesome and the lack of interest, on both of our parts, we have never explored fmf threesomes. The only thing we know of is more anecdotal experiences where the invited woman becomes enmeshed into the relationship or there are feelings of jealousy that resulted. Best thing I can do is speculate that the a possible reason for the difference is women are a bit more territorial regarding their partner due in fact after the age of 19 women are the dominate gender and if she finds him a suitable partner then she has a vested interest in keeping him. Whereas males are better able to separate physical sex from emotions and have less vested.

I am by no means saying that men do not have anything vested in a relationship. Instead I am saying men are better to think logically and to keep the physical aspects separated from the emotional. Alternatively I am be 100% wrong on my observations, what do you think?

Threesome = three-some

Any time one of the members of the primary couple meets the outside person for sex without the other member of the primary couple present it is not the three in threesome.

So communicating about meeting separately beyond a simple no is breaking trust.

Any further attempt by the outsider should result in breaking all contact with the outsider if trust is to be maintained.

(Time to find a new playmate.)

One of the primary couple meeting a lover or lovers without the other present is not a threesome, it is either an open marriage or cheating, depending upon knowledge and assent of the other primary member or lack of them.

What an annoying ridiculous bunch of gobbled gook.