All Comments on 'Demon Blood'

i have to say i didn't come in expecting a whole lot and the sudden turn of events really felt jarring but it quickly faded and kinda made sense in a way bringing the story together and making me want more.

Thank you for your comment. I sent you a pm. I hope I picked the right area you were talking about.

And yes there will be more. Amazingly the ending wrote itself and opened that opportunity up.

Wowzers. Dann great writing, first off. And yeah, I can see how you say that the ending just flowed out. The only really jarring scene was the big one. And once the past caught up with the present it made a Lot more sense.

You have my blessing.

Thank you so much for your kind comment. I appreciate it.

Yeah the ending. That was not the original ending I had sketched out in my mind when I started writing. Then two of the characters took a left turn and had a dialogue that trashed my planned ending. I was going to delete it but realized that it allowed me a sneaky, you won't see it coming ending.

In the end (getting a little redundant here) the whole thing wrote itself, it just flowed out. And it was nothing like either of the two previous ideas. Go figure!

That was a lot of fun -- some excellent descriptive passages, fun twists to the story, neat concepts. I'm glad you made the "rough draft" disclaimer at the beginning. I think with a couple more editorial passes to clean up some of the odd POV shifts and foreshadow the ending a little bit to make the twists a little less jarring this could be a crackling good story -- but as it stands now it's still highly entertaining and I still rank it a 5. Well done sir!

Thank you so much for that comment. It's been gratifying to see the feedback on this story. It's my first submission and I (of course) was nervous about the reception. The score as of this AM has climbed to a 4.5 and it now has the H designation. [hopefully it holds :-) ]

I can't tell you how good that makes me feel and how much encouragement you commenters have given me.

Thank you to all including those who have reached out via email instead.

Aside from Mallory becoming increasingly unlikable as the story went on, this quote was very offensive "faggy limp wristed style like some of those pussy boys"... and everything after Lucifer came into the picture was disgustingly repulsive. Truly sickening.

Thank you for your comment. Lucifer isn't exactly known for his boy scout activities. I'm not sure how else you would write him in any story except as disgusting.

Mallory was playing a part she had to play to lure Lucifer in. Her increasing unlikability was in line with that.

Not your cup of tea obviously, but thanks for reading anyway.

I enjoyed the escape into this demonic world. Now I need my own demon or my own imp! Great story and well written as to keep my attention

I started reading this story in the morning, breaking at the point where Lucifer enters, and then finished it in one sitting this evening. It was very effective that Mallory seemed surprised by the imps, that she seemed seduced by both Manah and the imps, and then the tables turn and Lucifer is seduced by her. Especially impressive as a first story. Keep at it!

Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate the feedback.

I don't know if a Demon would suit everybody but those Imps, yeah I'd love to have one too.I suspect you'll see a lot of them in any sequels.

Thank you so much for your kind comment.

As I mentioned earlier I was really nervous putting this out. I had no idea whether people would laugh or like. But I can tell you from the scoring that it is an overwhelming like. It's made me want to do some sequels and post some other stories I've had lurking. It's comments like yours and the others that have given me the confidence to want to continue.

Thank you Gordo12!

This was well written and I loved your characters. The story is very original and begs for follow up.

Thank you for a fun read.

Gary

Thank you so much for your comment. It's greatly appreciated that you took the time.

You have some really great stuff in here, but it just does not come together well. I think a good editor would have gone a long way to help.

The imps are a great and fresh concept. The being swallowed thing was pretty weird though. A more common fetish would have upped the erotic level. The later scene with Mallory and the devil also was just weird and pretty gross.

About the time that the devil entered the picture, I got lost. You spent a great effort developing Mallory into an awesome character, and then suddenly she is something completely different, and then she is something different again. Mallory was a great character and I would have liked you to have kept her.

Manah is supposed to just let that happen? Leilah seems to think at the end that Manah is just going to be okay with his new bride doing what she did. He is another character that you had me interested in as he continued to develop. (The book was another great concept.) But the he just rolls over and is no longer a thinking / feeling character. He deserved better.

I gave you 3 stars. You have some incredibly good concepts and characters individually, but they just don't come together in a integrated story. I look forward to your next story. Better yet, end this story at the wedding and make another chapter for everything past that to tie in the second half some other way that lets you keep the great characters you created.

I felt like I could have been reading two different stories, the first few pages seemed 50 shaded like with the billionaire buying Mallory like a commodity and her being overwhelmed by him and then the 2nd story where the imps enter and we realize there is much more to both Mallory and Manah. The two didn't mesh as well as I would have liked but as others have said it all made sense in the end.

It was good read, thanks.

Thank you for your comments. As I pointed out I blew the timeline on this story for the Geek Pride Event and it got submitted unpolished and pretty much unedited. My bad.

I get where you're coming from. My wife read the story for the first time saturday and she was enjoying the interplay between Mallory and Manah and then when you know who arrived it destroyed her interest and she started skimming. She didn't even absorb much of the rest of the story.

And it's the rest of the story that pulls it together. If you don't get the rest, Mallory's behaviour looks bizarre and spoils the story.

I went for the unexpected big reveal (shock and awe?) and subsequent comments have made me realize I should have done more to hint or prepare the reader as to why Mallory would suddenly change.

There are answers to the questions you raised such as why would Manah allow this. Spoiler alert: that will show up in the next sequel.

Anyway it's been a huge learning experience for me with a first time story and I'm already working on those issues with a edited version to be replacing the original in the next couple of weeks.

Thank you again for your feedback.

Than you so much for your comment. I've never read 50 shades so I'm not sure of the reference when you say it feels like that.

I think the story, in my mind, is at least 4 intertwined stories and as you can see from my previous comment I think I blew the transition. But that is how you learn.

I read your Warrior story last night and wow. I checked out your profile page. Stunning! I have been around Lit almost since the beginning. In all that time I have never seen a list of stories on the author's page that had so many H (for hot) symbols. For those not familiar with the H symbol it means a story is at least 4.5 or higher out of 5. You might get it on one or two but this author has it on dozens of them.

Story after story after story. It's incredible and real tribute to your writing skills.

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment.

I know this is supposed to be a one shot. But I think that your cliffhanger could be translated into a series

Thank you for your kind comment and yes there will be more. After thinking about it for a few days I started a sequel last night and ended up not being able to sleep for thinking about it.

Well, I am always intrigued when Lucifer shows up, although he is a bit overdrawn.

Not a normal reading category for me, but the Geek pride challenge has been more than an amusing diversion. Lots going on here, tightening up and paring will make for interesting futures.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I wish I'd been more diligent instead of leaving it till the last minute. Editing and polishing would have added a lot. A couple of scenes might have disappeared and some dialogue cleaned up or deleted. But it had to make the deadline so I'm stuck with it for now.

Thanks again.

Yeah it's tricky to have your narrator flat out lie to and withhold from the reader and not have the reader be irritated by it. It can be done, but it takes a lot of finesse and refinement and, as your note pointed out, you rushed the story. Of course you added the short section from Lucifer's point of view, and it turned out he was lying too about Manah being his son. So yeah it was doubly off-putting.

I really disliked Mallory by the middle of the story, but the angelic reveal walked that back a bit and made some of her contradictory qualities more understandable. The trope of the female narrator telling the reader about her body is just lazy writing, but unfortunately all too common. So forgivable in a first work.

I did really like the idea of the war in heaven resulting in the asteroid belt and Saturn's rings and the cleansing of Mars and Venus. That was a clever inventive idea that I found very unique. Full marks for coming up with that. The sex was kind of over the top, but really hot. I normally prefer something more believable, but for what it was, you wrote it well.

It was an ambitious first effort and it's a shame you couldn't give this story the time it needed, but you have an interesting concept here, and by the end I wad glad I read it.

It's funny when someone like "cantfightfate" feels the devil should be politically correct and take care not to offend! He wouldn't be the devil then, would he?

I'm not sure if you don't know how to punctuate dialogue, but most of it is wrong. I know you said you really rushed this, but that doesn't account for all these errors.

Just one example of a great many:

"Don't move," he slid out of bed and I watched through slitted eyes while his taut ass muscles flexed out the door.

Five minutes later he was back and lifted my head, "sip this, it's an old family remedy and works every time."

There's a couple of ways to fix these, but one way is to put periods after "Don't move" and "lifted my head" and the first words of both lines of dialogue should begin with a capital letter.

Also, "his taut ass muscles flexed out the door." Do you mean "as he walked out the door"? Because you've got just his ass muscles leaving.

Truthfully english classes were well over 50+ years ago so no, I probably don't remember much about dialogue pnctuation. I just write it the way I feel it. I guess in most of those you point out to me it was a continuation of the thoughts and words with some interruption in between. Making it one sentence instead of several short ones.

"I don't love you anymore," he said,"you don't please me."

Or

"I don't love you anymore," he said. "You don't please me."

I don't like the look of the short abrupt sentences. However it is a point to ponder and I will do some more reading about it. Thanks for the suggestion.

The part about his taut ass was preceed by "I watched through slitted eyes while his taut ass muscles flexed out the door" in other words she was specifically watching his ass. When I watch a woman's ass walking I know damn well that she's attached to it and leaving with it. It's assumed, at least to me :-) Maybe the sentence could have been better, but I was trying to convey a specific scene.

The lady with the feedback about the devil wasn't alone. I found an interesting psychological fact about this story. There were two clear lines of thought that split between the sexes. Aside from the public comments I got emails and private feedback from readers.

Women looked at the story as a developing romance between Mallory and Manah and were horribly disturbed by the devil showing up and wrecking it. Most stopped reading at that point and missed the subsequent story/explanation.

Men were jarred by the dislocation between Mallory and the appearance of the devil but read past that section and got the whole point of the story in the end.

I tells me that for female readers I have to lay out a lot more groundwork to prepare them for abrupt changes in how they view a character. Especially if there is romance involved.

I know it's only a small statistical pool to work with but the thinking was remarkably consistent.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it all. And I'm very appreciative of the high score the story's been given. For a first story and have it maintain the "H" label all the way through has been gratifying and I thank all you readers for the numerous five votes it's received.

A "nympho" who is a virgin? Do you realize how ridiculous that is? A non-practicing nympho, maybe? LOL.

When a story gets a score 4.5 or above, turn off scoring so it will forever carry the "H" for hot marking....

PS: I'd have given you a 5, but ratings are turned off. So it makes no difference now, does it?

It's about trolls that drove the story down over a few days from it's 4.74 ranking to below 4.5. When it started to recover I just froze it.

Unfortunately good readers and commenters pay the price for the assholes around here. Thanks for the 5* vote though.

But since the new season of Lucifer is just about here on Amazon we'll be able to see the outcum. One Hell of a story for a first effort, ironic it's the last one posted for me to read till next week. Excellent read, never had a clue where this one was going. Signed: BTW

When one writes SciFi, one has to define the Rules Of That Universe. Then the hard part is strictly abiding by those rules. I will give a writer of time-travel fiction the choice of ‘changes made in past events change the future’ OR ‘’changes made in the past cannot be made’. with the option in the latter of ‘the time-traveller (TT) is only a silent spectator’ or ‘TT can bring back a viable dinosaur egg but the fabric of time will promptly heal itself.’ BUT you can only have one of those options. That was the biggest problem with a great and cute SciFi classic movie ‘Back to the Future.’

In this tale, I am guessing that Gordo# was ‘letting the story flow.’. The trouble is that when characters ‘think out loud in print’ it IS the truth (as they see it it.) So when Mallory is just a ‘lawyer with a hymen’ she expresses to ‘herself’ (for We-The-Readers sakes) that she occasionally came close to getting poked by the ‘just right’ bold dancers. But when WTR find out she is an Angel on a mission to kill the Devil, that weakness becomes untenable. Likewise, when the Big Rich guy who thinks the Devil is his father hands a solution to an extremely difficult computer coding problem to the Archangel Michael (disguised as a genius coder guy,) it is highly implausible.

The Imps are no problem. Their existence and capabilities and characters were defined and maintained. Why can’t we all get to name one? Angels getting horny is also no problem. But how can anyone accept that an Archangel is incapable of solving a problem an ordinary human (albeit wealthy) can glance at and resolve? OR that an Archangel would be getting managed by an Angel?

This is great to read once. It cannot be read twice (unless very forgetful) because Angel Mallory’s (laila?) thoughts and Archangel Michael’s actions are incompatible with who they really are and are really doing! Every character's private thoughts are sacrosanct. Even those of imps. They do not have to be true, but they MUST be true for that character at that time.)

Mallory’s role as an angel would mean she could go through law-school with 13 seconds of study. Michael would never be stumped as a computer coder ... nor would an Archangel be assigned as an assistant to a mere Angel.

The story itself is great, but the delivery reminds me of riding shotgun with a student driver. It felt like the brakes were slamming due to a lack of transitions and proper flow. This story deserves two more pages at least to level it out into something truly captivating, but the bones are there

Good story. Yes, a little jerky in transitions now and then, Should have been more exposition about who she was, instead of making it seem like she and Mike/fiance were human, that would have smoothed things out - the way she was soooo eager for Lucifier while her new hubby was there almost made me stop reading - just too cocky a vibe - I skipped ahead to see what was up and then came back. Still uncomfortable with that bit.

Good description of Lucifer in hell with his black cum and forcing the adulterer. Interesting take. Nothing seemed sexy to me though, more of a story. Wish you would do another chapter.

I really like this story. I read and favorited it some time ago, not sure when, but long enough ago that I wasn't sure what would happen. Then when Mallory grabbed the Imp that became Sid, through the roof of the car, It started to become familiar.

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Now I wish there was a continuation. I read one of your comments that you'd started on a sequel, and it was some time ago that it the comment was posted, so I guess I'll start looking through your stories to see if there is something posted.

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Great concept. I got a LOT of religion stuffed down my throat as a youngster, luckily it didn't take. Now I really enjoy a story that looks at things from a different angle. Great story.

Incredibility interesting! I would give it 5 but it looks like you turned that off. I think the transition scene from Mallory to angel was a little rough. Not sure why but Luci revealing he knew just seemed a little rough. However, I loved it. Wonderful job.

That was a tangled, roiling, hot mess of a story. I loved it. More damn twists than a nest of rattlesnakes, and a weirdly enthralling plot.

Sorry I couldn't vote as I would have given the story 6 stars!

An Act of Contrition... Need be... . Just a sinner being genuinely sorry for having done something terribly wrong was enough. God had even written it into the physical laws of the universe...

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Interesting idea. How would the universe implement this?

Interesting question about Contrition. It would have to be embedded at the quantum level.

Speculation here: have you ever run into somebody you instantly didn't like? Fell in love with? Or knew without asking they were evil? I believe at the quantum level; we're all expressing and broadcasting.

I remember being at a party when I was around 16-17. Our eyes met across the room, and I instantly knew she'd be for me. How? It's unfathomable when you think about it.

And if anyone wants a really spooky thought, read the foreword about my wife on Wheelchair Girl. If that doesn't make you think nothing will.