Desert Chemistry

"Yeah, well, things change," he said with a grin. "He loves Florida, and there are lots of women his age down there to chase."

I laughed, and Dad pulled me into a hug.

"I'm just glad you're home," he said. "We've missed you, mija."

I was there for ten days, until just after New Year's, and it was lovely. My parents had a new TV to replace the clunky old CRT in the living room, but otherwise nothing had changed since my childhood. It was an old row house, so the rooms were drafty and cozy, a blanket always in reach, and it had that particular smell I would always associate with home, damp brick and baking bread, with a faint trace of grease and hot metal that followed Dad home from work.

The garage was the same as always, other than the change of ownership, and I had fun working and hanging out with the guys. Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve was beautiful, as usual. I'm not a believer, but I do appreciate the ritual and pageantry, and Mom is devout enough that there was never a question of not going. Once a year, I suppose I can put aside my anger toward the Church and the way it treats gay people - people I care about; people like me.

Christmas dinner was just the family plus Dianne, my little brother Alex's new girlfriend. I still call Alex my little brother, even though he's six and a half feet tall and built like a brick wall. When asked about my own love life, I answered with a polite but firm "None of your business." I wasn't ready to talk about David yet, at least not with my family.

It snowed in the afternoon and well into the night, laying a heavy, wet blanket over the city. The roads were bad enough that Alex and Dianne stayed overnight. Our neighborhood is not exactly a top priority for plowing. I expected Mom to fuss over sleeping arrangements and push Dianne to sleep on the living room couch. I was pleasantly surprised when she didn't. With me right next door and my parents down the hall, I really doubt Alex and Dianne did anything more than sleep anyway.

~~~

The best part of the trip was lunch on Friday, the day after Christmas. I met Anne at Mary Chung's, a Chinese place in Cambridge that's been there forever. The interior looked old when I had first eaten there, six or seven years ago, and it hadn't changed a bit. It was like Chinese immigrants had tried to copy the décor of the Americanized Chinese restaurants popular in the seventies and failed. Nobody went for the décor, though; they went for the food.

Anne and I had kept in touch after graduating and going our separate ways, and we had stayed friends. When I was in grad school, I'd see her three or four times a year when she came up to Boston to visit her family. Since I moved to Arizona, though, I hadn't seen her at all. I could only afford to come back once a year for the holidays, and until this year, she always had to work.

I got there first, and I was a little nervous while I waited for her. She walked in a minute after I sat down and looked around a little bit, and then her face lit up when she saw me. Her lustrous black hair was a little shorter, but otherwise she was exactly the way I remembered. She was the most beautiful woman in the world, at least to my eyes.

We both giggled a little when we noticed each other's outfits. I had worn jeans and a heavy red sweater, with a white knit hat and mittens, and Anne had worn exactly the same thing, though her sweater was blue.

"It's so good to see you, sweetie," she said, with a smile that melted my heart. "I've missed you."

"Me too," I replied, and then stood up and wrapped my arms around her. "It's been too long."

We sat down and caught each other up on our families and our lives. When the waitress came by, we both ordered without opening the menu. This place was one of my grad school hangouts, so I knew exactly what I wanted: suan la chow show to share and stuffed eggplant. Anne got ma po tofu.

By the time the food had arrived, Anne had started in on her adventures in the ER where she works in DC. She started out with a disclaimer that it's mostly very boring, but then made it sound exhilarating, fascinating, and generally wonderful. I could see the parts she didn't talk about in her eyes, though, the patients and families who didn't come out okay.

"Are you taking care of yourself?" I asked. "All the stress and tragedy has to get to you."

"I have a support group at the hospital, mostly other women doctors," she said. "Not everyone buys into the stiff upper lip, repressed feelings thing anymore. We get together a couple times a week and talk things out. It really helps."

"That's good," I replied. "I worry about you."

"I'm really okay," she said. "It's hard, but I deal with it as it comes. And Christine keeps me centered."

"Christine?" I asked.

"She's just a friend," she replied, "and she's married, to a man, so don't get any ideas. She's a lawyer, mostly technology stuff, and she's the one person I know who's completely outside the crazy bubble of hospitals and doctors."

"Sounds nice," I said. I could tell from her face that Anne definitely had ideas about Christine, even if she couldn't admit it, even to herself. I felt for her, especially since Christine was straight.

"Are you dating at all?" I asked. "You really should try now that you're done with school and residency."

"Nope," she replied. "I've basically lived like a nun since we graduated. At first I wasn't over you, and then there was never any time. Pretty much all I did for about five years was work, exercise, eat, and sleep. I've been trying lately, now that I have a stable schedule, but none of the men I meet are very interesting."

I doubted any man would ever be interesting to Anne, but I didn't say anything. I'd felt the same way myself until a few weeks before. She would have to figure things out for herself.

"You deserve some love in your life," I said. "I hope you find it eventually."

"Yeah, well. We'll see," she said. "What about you? Last I time we talked, that girl had just moved out. Cate, was it? I never really knew what was up between you two."

"Yeah, Cate," I said. "That was ... interesting. She just needed someone to look out for her for a while, and I was that someone. I haven't been serious with anyone since Xiaomei. Well, at least up until about a month ago . . ."

"Oh, really," she said, perking up. "What happened a month ago?"

"We had some really good results at work," I said. "Hopefully, you'll be reading about it in a few months."

"That's really great, and I'm sure you'll tell me all about it later," she said, "but right now there's something else. Spill it!"

"David kissed me," I said.

"Your research partner?" she asked. "Your male research partner?"

"Yeah," I replied. "He's crazy in love with me, and I think I'm actually crazy in love with him."

"Oh, sweetie," she said, "that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you."

"I'm really scared, Anne," I said. "We haven't slept together yet, and I honestly don't know if I can do it. What if I freeze up in bed because he has the wrong stuff?"

"You'll be okay," she said. "If you love him, your body will know what to do."

"So says the woman who's never been with a man in her life," I replied tartly.

"Okay, fine," she said. "Maybe I'm not a great example. I still think you'll be okay."

We finished the last of our lunch and the waitress dropped off the bill. We paid and sat for a while longer, talking about nothing in particular. Anne got quiet while I babbled, and I noticed she was fretting over something.

"Allison, I'm sorry," she finally said.

"Why?" I asked, mystified.

"I'm sorry about the way we ended things," she said. "I should have tried harder instead of pushing you away. We had something wonderful together, and I was too scared to keep it alive."

That was a dagger in my heart. I had loved her so much, but I didn't think she loved me the same way. I told myself she needed to be free to follow her dreams, that I would get in the way. And now she was telling me I was wrong?

"Sweetie, please don't do this," I said. "Getting over you was hard enough the first time. I can't . . ."

"No, Allison, I didn't mean ..." she said. "I'm not trying to get back together. I know we can't. We've both moved on, and I really hope you're happy with David. He sounds wonderful. I just want you to know how much I loved you."

I just sat there for a while, a tangled ball of emotions.

"I should go," she said. "I need to get home."

We both got up to leave and walked out to the street. I had parked a little closer than she had, so we stopped at Dad's red BMW for a hug.

"I wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow," I said. "I miss you."

"I only got to come up for Christmas because Dan's Jewish and he felt bad for me," she said. "Another year or two and I won't be at the bottom of the ladder anymore."

"Take care of yourself," I said, hugging her tighter. I kissed her forehead and let her go. Saying goodbye was almost as hard as it had been our last night together.

"You too," she replied, and then turned to walk down the street. I got into Dad's car and drove home, a few tears leaking out of my eyes.

~~~

I was up late that night, tossing and turning over what Anne had said at lunch. A big part of me wanted to get into a car, drive over to her parents' house, and tell her how much I still loved her, consequences be damned. I could find a job somewhere around DC and we could be together, like we always should have been.

The rest of me, though, knew that was just wishful thinking. I still loved her, deeply, but the fire was gone. I hadn't kissed her on the lips by the car after lunch, and I didn't really want to. I could imagine going to bed with her again, even spending my life with her, and I got a nice, dreamy, warm feeling about the idea, but I didn't need it. I could live without it.

And then I thought of David. I was still terrified about going to bed with him, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the alternative was even worse. I really couldn't imagine my life without him. I wanted, needed him in my life, even more than I needed Anne when we were together.

At first, I was angry at Anne for stirring me up, tearing me apart with feelings I had mostly learned to keep in the background. But sometime after midnight I made peace with everything again, and I was grateful. She really had loved me as much as I had loved her, and she wanted me to know that.

The rest of my time in Boston went by in a happy, comfortable blur. I went shopping with Mom, and I even let her buy me a dress. Her idea of appropriate clothing really did not match mine when I was growing up, but we had both mellowed over the years. I spent a couple of afternoons with Alex and Dianne, and I got to know her enough to like her. She was kind of a mousy little thing, not at all what I would have expected for Alex. We didn't have much in common, but she was very much in love with my brother, and they were good together. They were also adorable, Alex the giant and Dianne the cute girl half his size.

Dad drove me to the airport when it was time to leave. He just waved from the car after he dropped me off; he didn't say goodbye. He never did. I really hope I'm doing the right thing, I thought to myself as I walked into the terminal. Part of me still wanted to be with Anne, to see if we could make it work.

When David picked me up at Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix, my heart leapt, and I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

~~~

We spent the month of January working on the paper. David did most of the writing; he's better at academic prose than I am. I compiled all the data for the charts and figures in the paper and for the supplemental information that gets submitted with it. That's often a bigger job than the writing, which worked out well for us since I didn't have to split my time teaching.

Leo reviewed every draft, and he had some of the other guys in the department - yes, the chemistry faculty is mostly male - read over the final draft. I've never had such scrutiny applied to one of my papers before, but I've also never published a paper like that one.

At home, David and I settled into the comfortable rhythm we had before the holidays. Apart from sleeping in separate rooms, we already felt like a couple. We lived together, cooked for each other, watched TV together, sometimes even finished each other's sentences.

Most nights, we snuggled together on the couch in the living room before bed. At first, it was gentle and calm, mostly just about holding each other and being together. As the magic Saturday approached, though, it got more intense. The kissing went from soft and sweet to hot and heavy, and I got more would up each night.

One night, my hand found its way between his legs, not at all by accident, and I could feel his excitement through his blue jeans. I leaned back a little and looked into his eyes, not moving my hand. Seeing how much he loved me and feeling how much he wanted me, I screwed up my courage and said, "I could, you know . . ." making clear with my touch exactly what I meant.

David reached down, took my hand in his, and kissed it gently. He has these huge, wonderful hands. They're solid and masculine, but not heavy or clumsy, and they're baby soft, despite years of latex and chemicals and sun. When I press my palm against his, the tips of my fingers only reach about halfway to his fingertips. His hand around mine tells me he loves me, more clearly than words.

"Thank you, love, but no," he said. "I do want you, more than you can imagine, but not yet. Until you're ready, mind and body both, we're keeping our pants on. I can wait another couple weeks."

"What about shirts?" I asked, giggling as I pulled mine up over my belly.

"You're terrible," he said, he face cracking into a smile. "I really think you need to be tickled right now."

He proceeded to do just that, until I could barely breathe from laughing. When I calmed down, I leaned my back into his chest. He put his arms around me, pulled me close, and kissed the top of my head. "I love you, Allison," he said.

"I love you too," I replied.

~~~

I could tell how wound up I made David at night when we snuggled on the couch together. Men give a very visible indication of their arousal, and he was no exception. I felt bad about it, but he was right about waiting. The kissing and nuzzling were wonderful, and the desire we both built up was sweet torture. Until we could have it all, anything more would have just ended in frustration.

I suppose he got some relief in his bedroom after he went to bed. I hope so anyway. I certainly needed to get myself off at night, several times a week. It felt very strange, being in my room in David's house, with him under the same roof. His face was with me in my mind, but his body wasn't, not all of it. That was my main worry about sex, that I wouldn't know how to deal with that thing between his legs.

I knew what a penis looked like. I had seen pictures and studied anatomy. I didn't have much real world experience, though. I had only ever seen two grown men naked. The first was my little brother, coming out of the bathroom one morning when I was home from college for the summer. His towel caught on the doorknob just as I turned the corner into the hallway. We both turned bright red, I spun around and went back into my room, and we never spoke of it. The second was at my cousin Siobhan's bachelorette party. The maid of honor had hired a stripper, and she paid for the full monty, as they say. I actually felt bad for poor Siobhan, who looked like she didn't really appreciate the gesture, while he strutted and writhed and thrust his hips at her, his dick flapping around, not hard but not entirely soft either. I remember being really happy that I'd never have to deal with one myself.

Now I would. I would have to take it inside my body, the most intimate physical contact imaginable. I wanted that from David, ached for it, more than I had ever wanted anyone else. But I wasn't sure I wanted that anatomical part of him, even though it most definitely came with the rest of the package. My mental image of David was a full-size human Ken doll, and that wasn't fair to either of us.

As the magic Saturday approached, I consoled myself with the advice English mothers used to give their daughters, "Just close your eyes and thing of England." With a man, unlike with a woman, I could be completely passive and he would still get what he needed.

~~~

We finished the final edits on the paper on the Friday afternoon of the last week in January. Leo took us out again, this time to an upscale Mexican restaurant in downtown Phoenix. White tablecloths, classically trained chef, high quality, local ingredients. The chile en nogada was like nothing I had ever tasted, fruity and delicate as a flower.

There's a long time between submitting a paper and actually seeing it published. Peer review takes a lot of time, and the whole process still runs on antiquated print journal timetables. Up until ten or fifteen years ago, that was just the way everything worked, and academics accepted it because there wasn't anything better. The process keeps quality up, though it's not without problems, and the months of delay used to be a price worth paying.

Now, though, everything is a lot more transparent. A lot of papers, especially those funded by some form of government, appear in various places on the internet as soon as they're submitted, with accompanying data. Final publication is still the most important step, validating the work, but much of the excitement happens in pre-pub.

Our plan was to submit on Monday morning, post the pre-pub e-print that afternoon, file the first round of patent applications, and send out the press release. After that, things would likely get crazy. Fortunately, though, we had the weekend to ourselves. David and I had been patiently awaiting that Saturday for weeks.

~~~

I got up and moving around ten on Saturday morning, a little earlier than my usual weekend time. David was waiting for me in the kitchen with a little bowl of nuts and dried fruit. I had been trying not to think too much about the day, and what was going to happen later, so I let David plan it out.

It was one of those beautiful winter days that draws so many people to Phoenix. The temperature was supposed to hit seventy, and a wind storm the day before had blown all the pollution out of the air. The sky was a clear, crystal blue, and the light breeze carried the scent of freshly cut grass.

The first part of the day was a hike around Piestawa Peak. There are other hikes in the city, but that one is my favorite. Lunch afterward was at a Chinese place in the Central corridor. I'd never been there, so I let David choose for me, and wound up with a plate of chicken and vegetables singing with chili and ginger.

We went home after that and showered, not together. I walked out to the living room after I got dressed and sat down in one of the comfy chairs in the living room to wait for David. Most men complain about women being slow to get ready, but David always takes longer than I do. The warm water and the hike were so relaxing that I nodded off.

When I woke up to a curious canine nose, I smiled. David had set up a game of Forbidden Desert on the coffee table while I dozed. I've loved board games since college, when Anne and I played with a bunch of CS guys on Tuesday nights in the dorm. I sat on the floor, next to the coffee table, and Lucie walked over and flopped down next to me. She put her chin in my lap, and I scratched her head while we played. The game is more fun with extra players, so we put a token on the board for Lucie and took turns playing for her. She didn't seem to mind.

After three quick rounds, Lucie got hungry, so David fed her, and then she settled in for an afternoon nap. David and I sat together on the couch, chatting at first and then reading. It was the perfect lazy weekend afternoon, exactly what I needed after the stress of finishing the paper.