All Comments on 'Deter'

That was an excellent, very short and very deep tale. Talk about the irony of it all. I have one more thing to say. --- Fucking cunt.

Did not expect that. I hope chapter 2 is a good BTB when Janet returns from the hospital. I doubt it though. Nice little flash story.

A real Goldilocks story--not too short and not too long, but just right.

Cute twist, although being the suspicious sort, I kind of thought you might toss in the surprise at the end.

A fun read.

I enjoyed reading your story. Quite a twist there.

Okay you played the reader. 1 for the writing, 1 for the twist, otherwise unremarkable.

of an O'Henry tale, TK U MLJ LV NV

Suspected something was up when I saw O' Henry. Then went back and realized you had Bill Porter as well. Don't think many readers will pick up that was O. Henry real name. Gave it a 4.

But even after reading it twice, I don't understand the title. Is "Deter" another O' Henry reference? I think I must have read some O' Henry back in school, a million years ago it seems. But even as a reference geared for someone more familiar with THAT author's work, I saw absolutely no connection between title and story. Taking the story on its own, it was well done, and clearly presented. I admit that even on the first reading, I knew Bill was the husband, and Frank was the lover, however it was crafted well enough to raise doubts all along, until the final reveal that confirmed the two men's status. I wonder if someone will explain the title here in the comments section? I'll keep scanning and checking back. Oshaw, I've been enjoying your work here, recently. I am happy to have you contributing some fine stories, designed to make readers think. Thank you very much! Can't wait for the next!

Tightly written and completely hidden backstory until the last words...

SWAT would not shoot a target in the head. it is too small an aim and too lethal for the situation you set up

No payback on the bitch, no retribution for him. Lame tale.

...if it had held together psychologically. The long affair? That's not uncommon. But why, after all that time, does Frank come after the husband? Something that Bill did to make Frank feel that the wife's loyalties were divided and that the affair was in danger of ending. And yet, the wife goes to the lover. Seems inexplicable. If she were conflicted, then she should have been conflicted at the final scene. A more emotionally logical response would have been — should have been — to recognize that the carnage was her responsibility. How would you react if you two people that you (supposedly) loved lying wounded because of your actions?

I'm all for short, dramatic pieces — it was dramatic (though seemed to be written around the final lines, not the situation) — but they need to tie together a little better. In this case, you needed a little more backstory. Not pages of explication and how the met and how smart the kids are, but some hint of what specific events precipitated the confrontation. I would have given it 5 stars if it were so annoying, Frank gave a little reason why SPECIFICALLY he was there now (and not at some previous time), and the wife wasn't such a cypher.

This is such overwrought melodrama, I almost couldn't finish. One thing I hate is an author trying to write seriously in the manner of Master Thespian.

So basically, meh.

Great ending. Please keep writing. Thanks for the effort.

Good start but too many holes in the story. More information needed. Children, paternity test etc... Too much left out for a # 5.

Drama was good but the overall plot was missing critical info to tie the reader into the emotions portrayed.

Keep writing.

3*

Your writing will improve dramatically.

This is a good stand alone story, actually pretty believable when compared to a few cases that come up in the news from time to time. Or, if the author would so chose, there could be a nice epilogue. There's a huge malpractice problem with sending the first ambulance off with a corps, just to satisfy the emotions of the cheating cunt who caused the whole thing. There's a very real liability claim to Frank's estate, Bill could own it all. After Janet rode off in the ambulance with Frank's remains, her marriage is totally shot. but if that was her choice, it was already shot anyway. The sad thing is, unless some judge would make the malpractice settlement, for hauling off a corps, and the liability settlement from Frank's estate, exempt from the divorce proceedings, Janet could wind up with at least half of Bill's assets and half of Frank's estate. The cold bitch Janet would be the only winner. We could only hope that the recording of the S.W.A.T. team before they neutralized the threat could be submitted into the divorce court. Along with the claimed DNA report on the kids, there could possibly be alienation of affection and possibly fraud. Janet doesn't deserve very much. One man left dead, another man seriously beaten and with a serious bullet wound, and two children with their family totally destroyed. Janet may have some grief over losing her fuck buddy, but otherwise will walk away scot free and likely pretty rich. It won't take her long to find someone else to give her orgasms.

It would have been nice if you had finished the story !

5 if you kill the cunt cheating wife.

In that USA sates, where the ex husbands do not pay children support for bastards, the ex husbands HAVE TO PAY CHILDREN SUPPORT, IF THE KIDS ARE 4 YEARS OLD!!! There are much fewer USA states, where the ex husbands WILL GET ALIMONEY FROM THE CHEATING SLUT WIVES AND DO NOT PAY CHILDREN SUPPORT, IF THE EX HUSBAND CAN PROVE THE CHEATING WIVES DID BASTARD KID FRAUD!!!!! It depends on being loser or not loser Bill, wich USA state is the place of this story????

Very good job of obfuscating. Even with the denouement being fairly clear IMO, there seems to be confusion galore! As I read it (from the beginning) the narrator is Hubby (maybe suitor or fiancé.) Sweetie is NOT present. Sweetie's task is to choose between two guys, Narrator or Other Guy. The decision process has taken much longer than Narrator thought it might (not cause for optimism!) Then Other Guy shows up violently!

OG violence is not explained ... a supposition is that OG was informed that the decision was FOR narrator! That SEEMS, after the action is over, NOT to have been the case. OG may be irked because Narrator has been persistent by not backing off his attention to Sweetie! But the final Sweetie decision is upon them. Between the paternity news and Sweetie's final focus, it becomes clearer that Narrator is Hubby but Sweetie is (and HAS been) cohabiting with OG - so her probable decision (certainly delivered first to OG) leaves no cause for OG's ire! If she DID opt for Hubby (while at Her Bull's place) and informed him, then the anger is explained, BUT her choice to comfort Her-Dead-Bull becomes incomprehensible!

NO medical first responder is going to delay service to a critically wounded victim over an obvious corpse in order to placate a distraught woman or a cop! EMT has final authority in such a case, NOT law enforcement!

Too cute! It left too many readers stranded (including ME, perhaps!)

3* (enjoyed the name plays, weirded-out by title!)

Vey! Excellent. Thanks.

Start out thinking he's the husband, then he's not, then he is. pretty good obfuscation. Ignore the rants. You stayed within yourself and achieved your little objective.

Too many twists.

I believe everyone saw that coming and the poor bastard is going to be better off without that bitch. Too bad a stray bullet didn't hit her too.

I enjoyed the story anyway.I'm guessing there will be no reconciliation...

Something a little different but with a nice little twist to it.. Thanks for sharing.

Nice read .

I find it strange that 'Balance' is the 2nd story you posted . Yet it is the best and longest . The 3rd story 'Covet' is ,arguably your worst. Deter is in between those two.

Maybe you are not posting in the order written .

Maybe a different person writing , humm ??

Still, I am

AMerryMan

I didn't like that at all.

Lacked a bit of punch at the end. The twist has no force with more back story. Thanks.

No character description, little plot, an ending that leaves a lot hanging with no resolution.

No*

Yeah. Well written, and the twist worked.

Good story and well written but characters not very well developed. I'd have given it a 4-5 until the end and found that this was yet another unfinished story. You get a 1!

Deter needs an ending.

Well written. Complete. Intelligent. I'm about to delve into your catalogue now. Thank you.

Not sure why the marital home with kids was called a "love nest", and equally unsure why the police got their facts so badly backwards, but good writing. The twist *kinda* worked.

We were right form the beginning and you turned us around too - VERY nice.

She mourned the scumbag who had destroyed the husband and the family he should have had - really well done -

I gave this 5 stars...but would like to see it finished.

A sequel (which could include a prequel) would be very good.

She chose her lover over her husband in these circumstances? Divorce the lying cheating cunt, grab your kids, love them and start elsewhere.

where is the rest if the story?

And why the fuck would the police frank was the husband after listening to his rantings

I beg you to write chapter 2 where the wife gets to suffer and the husband gets to find happiness

Should have seen it coming but didn't.

But it was still good.

The point is enough and the man will suffer forever as a result.

But...and this is the important thing: so will Janet. Her lover is dead, her choice is made, her kids will learn the truth about her and her image and actions will be in the public eye for a while.

So what does she have? A quick move out of state losing all friends and attachments she has as she drags two kids who loath her with her...if she can.

She is the perennial bad guy. Dad gets victim points.

Yet again another great story however no ending what happened did he die was the other guy married did Janet live on to receive the hate of her children.

How did the affair start? you have the chance at becoming a very good writer but don't hold back and finish the damn story

Please do a follow-up where Hubby divorces the slut and moves on with his life. Wifey was more concerned with her lover's dead body than she was with him!

5 Stars for a twist I barely saw coming. Great flash tale, but it should have been longer.

This is a story built with a sequel that could go anywhere..Great setup..thanx for the read...

But it had more than a few holes. My biggest problem is the police not knowing who owned the house they surrounded. That alone would have told them that they were sympathizing with the wrong man. They didn't ask the Slut (excuse me, wife) what was what? You didn't even say who called 911. If it was the wife, again, they should have known who was the bad guy. Also, there's NO WAY, the Ambulance Company would have risked a certain Lawsuit by transporting a corpse before a wounded man, not too mention destroying the evidence needed for the IAD hearing (which was a definite: The police had killed a man).

Any Cop coming to that scene would have known who owned the house and who the husband was. Cops are trained to listen, regardless of what the woman said. They would have NEVER sent a dead man to the hospital in lieu of one that was wounded and still alive. Heads would have rolled if they made that decision. And the Paramedics would have made that decision. Okay story but too many errors let it down at the end.

awwww hun all you can do is insult my husband? let me tell you something little man. my man aint a cuck like you are. you need to get out of your parents basement and get some form of a life. bye bye ^^

Time for hubby to recruit a platoon of vicious alpha shark lawyers and proceed to create mayhem.

Divorce and lawsuits galore

The weapon of choice is no longer swords or pistols but lawyers at 10 paces.

You did what so many do, not finish the story.

Please consider it.

Tell me, you idiots, how do you pull off further character development, and not give away the twist?

The point is, it's a short FLASH story, without the need of background build-up.

And why on earth would you want a second chapter? It was a quick grab... again... a FLASH STORY. It stands as it is.

I do agree that the bitch has a lot of bad karma heading her way, and he deserves some compensation through litigation... but hey, for one, I can just IMAGINE FOR MYSELF that these might be the outcomes for this tale.

Take your sad agendas and get the fuck out of Dodge. Many commentors just show what total wankers they are through the words they leave.

And if you don't like this, and want to have a go at me, yippee!

Like Bruce once said, "somebody call the fuckin WAAAHMBULANCE!"

A fine flash story, cant wait to read more of your work

I expect periodically that a particular poster, either under his name, or a doppelganger that I became aware of, or anonymously will post a comment of how I have redacted his posts. This individual has a history of critiquing stories as though he is doing us all a favor by doling out his pearls of wisdom. Ironically, this self described genius has yet to write his first story here on Literotica.

This individual sought me out through private communication and continued to critique my stories using the most inane examples possible. That was when I made the mistake of pointing out the typos and poor grammar and flawed reader's comprehension of the individual's comments. Fair play, right?

That led to an escalating exchange of communications, whereupon, the individual called my Mother some vile derogatory terms.

Look, you may not like my stories, you may criticize them till the cows come home and that is fine by me. All I'm trying to do is give back to a website where I have enjoyed so many well written stories.

But, when you take the opportunity to vilify my deceased Mother, a line has been crossed. So, I elected to delete this individual's comments and now he is pissing all over himself that I am not letting him play in my sandbox.

Too fucking bad, asshole. You may post, and it may stay up temporarily, but rest assured it will eventually be taken down. I think a cursory review of the comments on my stories will show I'm pretty open minded to criticisms and I want that dialogue to continue. But understand, you cross that line of defaming my family then I will respond accordingly.

Should have just blown the whores head off....that would have been the perfect additional death...she was oh so deserving.

Short with a great twist at the end; no need for more . How could you possibly top this.

5 *****

I agree with ID - this one needs an epilogue. One of the saddest stories on the site.

a lot of those players are certifiable....for what we need epilog...TK U MLJ LV NV

This is a fantastic story. Stunned after finishing, I must have spent half an hour peeling away layers of this sad onion. Thank you oshaw for the thought provoking story. It really does feel like a good episode of "The Twilight Zone".

I usually don't even bother rating one page stories; however this one was such a good read I felt compelled to express my pleasure in reading it. That being said, I do think you could do a great epilogue. Please keep up the great writing; we readers need you to replace some of the great writers before you that have left us.

All though well written, big problems with what happened to the slut! She deserves to burn in hell after a long life of agony and humiliation. Quick followup tale letting her get her just rewards.

... And it was still a totally awesome story!!! Getting ready to read everything by this author now.

.

We need a sequel after his recovery so he can BTB!

I think she chose her husband.

I think she came to the house, expected her husband there, and was shocked by the sight of Franks' body.

I think that she was going to go for the status quo - hubby at home, Frank on the side... which drives "don't leave me".

I think the twist was that Frank was feeling cuckolded by the husband - after all, Frank didn't even get to raise his own children.

Good flash.

Green-something

Story needs closure.

Can't blame the wife for choosing the man over the mouse. Waiting anxiously for her decision? Can't face her as he assumes she is walking in the door? Of course they are Frank's children. The dickless husband is worthless. Janet will find another Frank. Maybe this cuck will fess up and go find his own Frank to mate with.

Does Deter have to do with anything?

Janet is Bill's wife. Frank is her long time lover. Janet and Frank have two children together. Frank gets aggrieved at the husband cohabiting with his wife and decides to torture and kill him. And the police don't know whom Janet is married to.

What a load of crap.

After getting the real story the wife was put into prison for conspiracy crime. There she got beaten to the curb by her co-prisoners each day until she finally hung herself in her cell and released the world from her evil mind.

Oughta be a zero.

Thank you for your effort and why not write back to him/she/it and tell IT to suck your dick!! Or, eat your asshole or just die

At least the police killed the right person. Now if a bridge collapsed on the back half of the first ambulance all will be right in the world. Excellent portrayal of emotions in a loss scenario. Probably the best flash story I've read. Thank you

She's a Bitch of the highest caliber. The follow-up to this story should be how he dumps her sorry ass and the reign of hell that he brings down on her.

The bitch is damaged goods..absolutely no sense in remotely wanting her back. As soon as the knowledge of her slutting around it should of been adios asshole. And, yes, she needed to been "rewarded" with an appropriate fate.

The kids are the real losers in this saga. There can be no happy ending for them no matter what happens.

Where she is revealed for the cheating slut she is and reaps the rewards of being a cheating slut. Plus, O'Henry ought to be recalibrated for jumping to conclusions.

... This was your best so far, please keep up the good work. Panther fan.

What happened to Janet? What's her story? Why did she cheat? What happened after the shooting? Any hope of reconciliation? What about the divorce? How many other questions need to be answered?

Liked the way you had us guessing until the end. I wasn't sure which way it would go.

"Ten years, Bill! For ten long years you've been coming between Janet and me”

Hell, she’s only his WIFE! The nerve of him!

I would also like to see a sequel with the cheating bitch living with the knowledge that HER unfaithfulness led to the death of her lover. If she had an OUNCE of decency when she fell in love with Frank she would have divorced Bill, rather than cheat with Frank then have Bill unknowingly raise Frank's children! Then to cry over Frank after he brutalized Bill - even if she loved Frank more she should have had SOME residual feelings for Bill to be upset at what Frank did to him. She APPARENTLY loved Bill enough not to divorce him, or was it greed for what he could provide?

Again, some back story for why she stayed with Bill for ten years while loving Frank more.

In FRANK’S eyes, her home with Bill was a “love nest” because her home should be with Frank.

Nice twist at the ending

that frank got exactly what he deserved.

Who was the father of the children? Was Bill willing to stay in the marriage under the circumstances and what would the paternity tests results, if they were actually done, affect Bill's decision. Personally, I would not have stayed with her as long as Bill did, if she had trouble making up her mind, I would have made it for her.

Good writing awful story, wife must hate him, loser either way.

This shit lowered the value of some of your better stories. Sitting around and waiting to see if a slut chooses her husband over her lover, make no sense. I would have told the bitch to get to stepping. DNA testing should be SOP anytime a situation like this occur. That way he could sue lover boy for back child support.

Finish the damn story

the story was a great flash, as usual of you talents, also i wish to say after reading all your stories, you sir/madam, are the most cruelest writers of all time, but for some reason i still am mesmerized by your stories like the siren song.

oh yeah, blood & the metalic taste, actually let me explain, its the same taste we compare to the smell of handling coins, & the reason for the smell & taste is ketosis, iron has no smell & taste, the acid & salt in sweat corrodes the surface of the coin(not visible) hence the smell when touch coins, & that smell we associate with the taste of blood, because the haem(iron) being broken down by the saliva(that was the funny thing).

i cant seem to fathom how could you possibly have stopped writing after generating scores of addicts, please give us our opium.

if you are not gonna write on lit atleast let us know, where.

J.

And remembered why I loved this story so much. I still was thrown for a loop at the twist in the end.

One of the best writers on this site. His stories come alive.

This story begs to be finished!

What a mindbender!

Nice start to a good story but, don't leave us dangeling with that ending ;-)

so he's left with a whore wife and some bastard kids? cute.

"were all the atypical family pictures" - You mean "typical"! Atypical means NOT typical.

Please finish the story, there has to be more to it then this?

but in the end they all had a piece of the winnings. TK U MLJ LV NV

Fuck you. Call a criminal when u need help😄

Is that no matter the outcome here or within a sequel is the fact that the cheating cunt is in pain and has to live with the consequences of her being a cum dumpster. Also the lowlife piece of shit wife stealer is nothing but gas bubbles and maggot meat now ..... how funny of justice is that !!!