Done Too Soon

Virginia helped me get dressed, so I was ready to go when the nurse returned with the wheelchair. Virginia left to get the car while the nurse wheeled me to the entrance. The nurse helped me into the car and buckled me in. Virginia drove carefully, getting on US35 and heading out to Beavercreek and back home. I reached over and took her hand, smiling at her in an attempt to cheer her up.

I knew the end was near, but curiously, I felt like a blanket had been lifted off my soul. I was feeling better by the time we got home. Knowing there would be no more chemo helped a lot in making me feel better. The boys dashed out to meet us when we pulled into the driveway. Mom stood in the doorway, a hopeful look on her face. Matthew opened my door, and he and Mark helped me up and out. I hugged them, telling them how much I loved them as we approached the front door.

When I got up to Mom, I could see the question on her face, and just before we hugged, I gave my head a little shake. Mom's face crumpled, and the tears started streaming down her cheeks as we clinched, and I could feel her whole body shaking from her sobs. Mom's reaction tipped off the boys to the bad news, but Virginia was already holding them, reassuring them I wasn't dead yet.

After a minute or two, Virginia and I swapped off, and I wrapped my arms around the boys and started reassuring them things would be okay. After a while, Matthew pulled back and asked, "How will everything be okay? You're going to die...." He choked up and started crying. Mark cried, too, and I spent the next minute or two trying to reassure them.

Once I felt they were in control of their emotions, I pulled back and looked both boys in the eye and said, "I need you to be strong for Virginia and your grandma. Can you do that for me?"

I looked back and forth between them until both of them nodded and said, "Yes, Mom."

I pulled both of them back in and hugged them again. We broke apart, and I went over to Virginia and Mom. I looked at Mom and said, "Virginia's arranged for Hospice so I can be here when the end comes."

Virginia nodded and said, "The nurse told me someone will stop by later today."

I needed to be alone with Virginia so she could let herself go for a while. I knew she wouldn't want to do it in front of Mom and the boys. I said, "I need to go and lie down for a while, sweetie. Will you come with me?"

"Yes, my love," Virginia replied. I saw the unshed tears in her eyes as we headed into the bedroom.

After shutting the door, I led her over to the bed. We both sat down, and I turned and hugged her as hard as I could, saying, "It's okay. You can cry now."

I felt her body shudder as she wrapped her arms around me and started crying. At this moment, I had to be strong for her. As she bawled, I whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and I could feel her sagging into me. I held her, determined to be her rock for the moment. My heart broke hearing the pain and sense of loss in her cries. I prayed to God as I had never prayed before to give Virginia the strength to get through this. I couldn't let this break her because I needed her to be here for the boys.

I held Virginia tight, whispering, "I love you," over and over, vowing to embrace her and let her cry as long as she needed to. I continued to hold her until her sobs subsided and then stopped. I kissed her cheek and pulled back until I could look Virginia in the eye. I locked eyes with her and saw her struggle to pull herself together and be strong for me once again. I watched as she gathered herself and brushed her tears away.

"I love you," Virginia said, making me smile.

"I love you more," I replied, making her smile as I leaned in for a kiss.

Just before our lips met, Virginia said, "Not possible." When our lips met, I lost myself in her love for me.

After what seemed like forever but wasn't, we separated. We got up, repaired ourselves, and went out into the living room. Mom was there on the couch with the boys, holding them. I could see they had all been crying but weren't now. When they saw me, I smiled at them to let them know I was still there. The doctor had said I might have a month left at most. Still, I was determined to spend every minute preparing them for the inevitable.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "That's probably the Hospice nurse," I explained to Mom. Virginia went to answer it as I sat down on the couch next to Mom.

I heard Virginia at the door, and she came back into the living room with a nurse who introduced herself as Helen Latshaw. She looked competent and had a professional but friendly demeanor. I liked her at once and knew I would enjoy her company for the time I had left.

We all went and sat around the dining room table while Helen explained what her duties would be and what services she would supply us. I didn't need home care right away since I was still mobile, so Helen would only stop by twice a week to check on my status until I needed her full-time. Helen explained how she would supply pain pills when I needed them. Once the pain made it too challenging to take care of myself, then she would be there to monitor a morphine drip until the end.

Virginia asked about the pain pills, and Helen told us they contained oxycodone. When Virginia raised concerns about addiction, I just squeezed her hand and said, "I don't think that's going to be a problem, sweetie."

Virginia looked at me, and I knew she wanted to argue the fact I wasn't dead yet, and miracles do happen, so I just shook my head. I squeezed her hand again to reassure her I appreciated her concern. Helen also understood Virginia's concern and explained how judicious pain pill use wouldn't lead to addiction before some time had passed. She didn't have to say I probably won't have enough time to get addicted to the pills before the end.

Mom, ever practical, jumped in and asked Helen about what she could do to help me deal with the pain. Helen spent a few minutes detailing how my pain would progress and the steps I could take to help alleviate the pain. The main takeaway was stress reduction was the best means to dealing with the pain and keeping it in check.

Finally, our questions were all answered, and Helen excused herself. She left her contact information with us to call her if we needed anything before she came again. I walked her out to her car and thanked her for being so open and honest with me. I appreciated how she didn't try to give us false hope or make it sound like everything would be okay.

Once Helen was gone, I came back into the house and asked, "What's for dinner?" to try to break the mood. Virginia, picking up on my intent, suggested we order some pizza and started discussing what to have on it. The mood brightened, and for a while, we could all pretend everything would be okay...

***

... As I ran, I laughed and marveled at the clear blue sky. I could feel the cool, gentle breeze coming off the water, keeping it from getting too hot. I dodged around a pickup game of volleyball, churning my legs as the players yelled good-naturedly after me for disrupting their play. I wouldn't let anything stop me from where I was heading...

***

May 1992

... I started awake as Mom took my hand. I squeezed Mom's hand as I fought to stay awake, embracing the pain I was feeling to help me. As I collected myself for what was coming, I flashed back to the day Mom came to visit for what I knew would be the last time...

February 1992

I knew it was bad news when the surgical oncologist told us what he had found. Virginia and I had discussed what we would do in this circumstance, so I knew we would have to call Mom and have her come out to help us get through this. Despite Virginia's optimism, I knew how it would end for me, but Virginia and the boys would need Mom's strength to get through the next few months.

I heard Virginia's car pull into the garage, so I knew Mom was there. The boys ran out to greet Mom and Virginia while I stood alone in the living room. I knew I would lose it when Mom pulled me in for a hug, and I didn't want to put on a show for the neighbors. I heard the boys greet them, and then they started discussing who would take what bag.

Mom came through the door, and the look on her face broke my heart. I started bawling before she even had a chance to pull me in for a hug. "Oh, sweetie," Mom said as she ran up to me and pulled me in tight, hugging me hard.

I tucked my face into Mom's neck and wrapped my arms around her while sobs wracked my body. I felt so bad about the pain I was inflicting on her. I knew I was going to die, and I hated that I would hurt everyone I loved in the process. I wished I could pull back, smile, and yell, "Just kidding!" but that was only a fantasy. I just hoped that my preparations kept my dying from destroying them.

In time, I felt another set of arms wrap around me, and I knew Virginia was there, and I drew comfort from it. Realizing that the boys were probably wondering what was happening, I pulled away from Mom and Virginia, wiping away my tears. I looked over and saw the boys coming back out of Mom's room after leaving her luggage there. I saw the worried looks on their faces, and I went over and pulled them in for a hug, looking up at them and smiling at them to let them know everything would be okay.

Mom came over and started hugging the boys to let them know she was there to help take care of them while I went through my chemo treatments. Her cheerfulness and confidence had cheered them up to the point that they started planning what they would do with Mom while she was here.

I stood there side-hugging Virginia as I watched Mom work her magic. I glanced over at Virginia and saw a small smile on her lips. I was thrilled that the pall of my situation had been lifted, at least for the moment...

May 1992

... I opened my eyes and looked up at Mom's worried face. There was one last thing I needed Mom to take care of for me. I asked, "Mom, remember the safe deposit box key I gave you before we left to move here?"

"Yes, I do, sweetie," Mom said, squeezing my hand.

"Make sure Virginia gets it when you feel the time is right," I said. "I left something for her in it."

Mom squeezed my hand again, and I turned my head to lock eyes with her. I saw the tears in her eyes as she realized what I was saying and asked, "You knew?"

"Yes," I said. "I didn't know how or when, but I knew I'd never see California again once I left." I squeezed Mom's hand again before I said, "Make sure Virginia finds someone to love. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life alone, grieving for me."

"I will," Mom said.

"Let me speak to Matthew," I said, closing my eyes momentarily as a wave of weariness swept over me...

***

... I could hear the gulls crying, and I watched them swoop and dive over the waves as I approached the water's edge. The sand was firmer near the water as I turned and ran even faster alongside the water, the waves lapping at my feet. As I splashed along, I dodged among the people entering and leaving the water, startling them since I was moving so fast...

***

... I started awake, my eyes snapping open. Matthew held my hand, and I could see the tears streaming down his cheeks. I squeezed his hand to reassure him before I said, "Matthew, I'm so proud of the man you're growing into."

"I love you, Mom," Matthew said, beginning to sob.

"Remember what we talked about?" I asked, momentarily hoping to distract him from what would happen soon.

"Yes, Mom," Matthew said, drawing himself up as he thought about our discussion.

After coming home to die, I spent time with the boys, discussing what would happen and preparing them as best as I could for what was coming. I talked to them about how life was a journey, and sometimes it ended sooner than later. We spent hours and many tears discussing the progression of my disease. I made sure they both understood what was coming so they'd be able to handle it. We had discussed the plans for my funeral and afterward.

Both boys understood they would have to go back to California with their grandmother once I died. Virginia wasn't legally recognized as their parent since we couldn't get married, so it wouldn't be possible for them to stay here. Virginia had also discussed this with them, explaining what she had planned for them. Virginia would work to get an assignment back to Los Angeles AFB first thing to be back with them.

After giving him a moment to think about those discussions, I said, "I need you to be strong for Mark. He looks up to you for guidance, and I'm so proud of you for playing the part of big brother so well. Don't stop now. He'll need you to help him get past this." I locked eyes with him, squeezed his hand, and said, "Virginia is your mom now, despite what the law says. I need you to promise me you'll mind and look out for her. She needs to move on and find someone else to love. Will you encourage her to do that for me, Matthew?"

"Yes, Mom," Matthew said. "I promise." His tears flowed, and he leaned down and placed his head on my chest.

I patted his head as I said, "I love you, Matthew."

"I love you, too, Mom," he said through his tears.

We held onto each other for a beat as I felt the blackness closing in once again, overpowering the pain that is now my constant companion...

***

... "Bonnie! Come here!" Despite the distance, the activities making noise around me, and the voices of the people milling around, I could always pick His voice out from the background noise. I heard His shout and altered my course, almost tripping and falling as my feet slid around in the wet sand. I headed toward His voice, not slowing a bit, anxious to get to Him as soon as possible...

***

... I started awake, my eyes snapping open to see Matthew's worried face in front of me. "Let me talk to Mark," I said as I loosened my hold on Matthew's hand. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Mom," Matthew said as he withdrew and let Mark take his place.

I let the pain express itself for a moment, and I let out a little moan that caused Mark to start crying. I chastised myself for being so weak, and with some anger, pushed the pain away and reached out and took Mark's hand in mine, squeezing it, to let him know I was still in control.

"I love you, Mark," I said. "You're growing into yourself, and I'm so proud of you." I thought about how he'd grown out of his shell, becoming an outgoing person who had a smile for everyone. I knew Virginia had a lot to do with it, always encouraging Mark to express himself and praising him when he did.

"I love you, Mom," Mark said, squeezing my hand back as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I wish you didn't have to go," he said as he pulled back.

"I do, too," I said, smiling a small smile. "I was looking forward to seeing you play soccer for your high school team." Both boys had become good soccer players and showed promise of being stars in high school and college. Virginia and I had encouraged them, supporting them through youth leagues, running them to practice and attending games, and cheering them on from the sidelines. I know both of them appreciated our support and worked hard to make us proud of them.

"I'll dedicate every game to you," Mark said, and I could hear the truth in his statement.

"Oh, Mark," I started, tearing up, "I need you to look out for Virginia. She's going to need your help to get through this. She's your mom now, and I want you to do what she tells you. Don't let her isolate herself. Encourage her to find someone else to love. Will you do that for me?"

Marked teared up and started sobbing as he said, "Yes, Mom. I promise."

"Good," I husked, my throat closing up. "I love you, Mark." Once again, the darkness enfolded me, almost like a friend...

***

... I didn't bother to answer His call because He knew I had heard Him. I had never before failed to come to Him, so I knew He wouldn't call again. I redoubled my effort to run as fast as possible and soon made it back onto the grass off the sand. I leaped over the sunbathing woman lying on her towel, feeling like I could fly. I was well on my way before she even had a chance to react to my action, wanting to get to Him as soon as possible...

***

... I started back into awareness and opened my eyes. Mom was standing next to me, holding my hand. I teared up as I said, "I'm so sorry, Mom."

Mom locked eyes with me and said, "Bonnie, you don't need to apologize for anything. I am so blessed to have you as a daughter, and I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything." The tears rolling down her cheeks belied her words. I felt so bad because I would be done with it soon, but she would have to live with it for the rest of her life.

Just as she finished speaking, I heard a commotion as someone busted into the room. Mom looked up and attempted to smile as I heard Virginia greeting the boys. She squeezed my hand and said, "Virginia's here." She bent down, kissed my cheek, and said, "I love you."

I knew it would be the last time I heard those words from Mom. I teared up as I said, "I love you, Mom," for the last time.

Mom let go of my hand. I closed my eyes in preparation for what I needed to do. I was thrilled how Virginia's first instinct was to console the boys before coming to see me. While I waited for Virginia to come to me, I reflected on the last time I made love to her...

April 1992

... I woke up before Virginia due to the pain that pushed through the waning, muffled drowsiness the pain pill caused me. Rather than resent the pain, at this moment, I embraced it, using it to push the last of the fuzziness out of my brain. I wanted to be alert and responsive for what I wanted to do this morning. Before we checked out today, I planned to return the favor and make Virginia scream my name for one last time. I knew once we returned home, I'd be too debilitated to make love to Virginia. I knew it would have to be today or not ever again.

The sun was beginning to filter in through the curtains of our room at Morgan House. I looked over at Virginia and saw her beautiful face, and my heart thrilled, as it always did when I saw the peaceful look on her face as she slept. Thoughts of last night flashed through my mind as I lay there. Virginia had made me scream her name several times as she took me to heaven over and over. When I shifted my position, I winced from the bite Virginia had left on my collarbone last night. My heart thrilled from the memory of the intense look on her face when she marked me and declared I was hers forever.

While I basked in Virginia's love for me and how she wouldn't even let death separate us, I felt Virginia stir. I turned my head, and I saw Virginia's eyes open. I once again fell into those sapphire blue pools, never wanting to surface. She rolled over and leaned in to kiss me, at first chastely but quickly heating up.

After a timeless interlude, the kiss ended. Without any words needed, I guided Virginia to straddle me, facing the head of the bed. She eased herself down to where I could access her pussy; our eyes locked the entire time. I licked her from perineum to clit, taking my time and making sure I was thorough. I worked my tongue between her lips and laved all of the sensitive spots I'd learned would give Virginia as much pleasure as possible.

Time stopped as I concentrated on making this the most exquisite experience of Virginia's life. I savored her juices which she produced in copious amounts for me as I sucked, licked, and nibbled every part of her I could reach. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity between her legs and did my best to do so. The beautiful sounds Virginia made as I pleasured her made my heart soar.

I kept her on edge for as long as I could. When her pleading became labored, I finally latched onto her clit, enticing her little nub to come out so I could finish her off. I felt her approaching orgasm, and I was thrilled I would soon make her scream one more time.