Driving Home for Christmas

"Why didn't we just stay together then, instead of wasting so much time?" She asked as we moved off again.

"I don't know really, I didn't really believe we could make it work. I mean you had him, and your career. You do realise that my confidence was totally destroyed. I mean my wife took up with a younger man. I felt old and useless."

"Yes, I don't think I realised how much that had affected you. Still we had good times to remember."

"They were good times weren't they?"

"Yes they were, and now we are going to have many more." She reached over and squeezed my hand.

The Ronettes were singing I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus as we turned onto the coast bound A2. I settled back in my seat remembering the last time I dressed up as Santa Claus. Nobody Kissed me. My eyes closed and my mind drifted back.

I'd been dreading my first Christmas as a divorcee. I had no idea what Penny was doing and I had a horrible feeling that she might try and gatecrash our celebrations with her new husband. In the end she opted to stay in Bucharest Both Phoebe and David were invited to go out there at her expense, but both turned it down. Phoebe told her it wouldn't be worth flying out because she wanted to spend some of the holiday with me. I watched her as she put the phone down.

"If they think I'm spending more than a day in that man's company, they've got another think coming."

"You make it sound as if you don't like your new stepfather. I would have thought you would get on, you're in the same age group."

"Yes but he's married to my mother, something he seems to forget from time to time."

She wouldn't expand on the comment but it didn't leave much doubt in my mind as to what had soured the wedding for her.

"Never mind, there's always next year. They'll be living in Britain by then."

"You really think you've got it sussed, don't you Dad? Mum loves her job and she likes Romania. What makes you think she'll quit?"

"I've read the same text book he has. My guess is they'll come over for David's graduation. She'll probably have a few interviews lined up with the hope of being able to go back and tell them she doesn't want to renew her contract. They'll be back in Britain by September."

"Daddy you're so cynical."

"Yes and it's putting a damper on things, so lets get on with preparations for Christmas. I know your Gran is looking forward to having us all together, I thought we would have her come here this year. She won't feel she has to do so much in someone else's house."

Christmas almost went off without a hitch. I say almost because I did have three phone calls. The first came from Lady Caroline, a nice touch I thought. She was checking to see how I was, knowing Christmas would bring memories. Next to call was Sephie. Mum gave me a big grin when I said I would take it in the bedroom. Sephie was spending the holiday with her parents and rang to say thank you for her present. We must have spent half an hour on the phone. We never seemed short of things to talk about. She asked me to pass best wishes on to mum before hanging up. I'd just put the phone back on its base station when it rang again.

"What have you been up to I've been trying to get through for ages I nearly missed my slot." said an all too familiar voice.

"I'm sorry Penny; I forgot to put my life on hold in case you rang." I could hear her calling my name as I put the phone down on the table and called Phoebe and David. Mum looked a bit concerned so I went and sat next to her.

"A certain young lady sends her best wishes for Christmas." I said. Her eyes lit up.

"Do you mean that nice young girl who used to come for Sunday lunch?"

"That's the one." I reached under the sofa and pulled out a parcel. "She also asked me to give you this. She said she knows it's not much but she wanted to get you something that you would enjoy."

Mum opened the parcel and found a small tin of Shortbread biscuits from Fortnum and Mason's.

Tears came to her eyes."How did she know they are my favourites? And look they're from Fortnum's"

"She's a very observant girl, Mum. Of course they came from Fortnum's. She said they had to be fit for a queen so she went to the queen's grocer."

"Now I know you're mucking about." she said wiping the tear s from her cheeks."Now just behave yourself, you're not too big for a slap you know."

I was holding my hands up as if I was protecting myself from mum but I was watching Phoebe who seemed to be having a hard time with her mother.

"No I can't bring him to the phone. He's in the shower, I don't think dad wants him dripping all over the carpet. -- Well if we'd known you were going to call I'm sure he'd have got up earlier. -- No mum you don't have to make an appointment to talk to your children. You just have to accept that surprises don't always work out as you plan them. Just ask Dad. --No. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. --Look perhaps if you rang back later. -- Oh I see.--Yes, Merry Christmas to you too."

As she put the phone down I slipped my arm around her shoulders. She reached up and took my hand.

"They're going to Ion's parents for lunch and she forgot the time difference."

"Is David really in the shower?"

"No he'd just got out when you called. I couldn't tell her that he didn't want to talk to her." she buried her head in my shoulder."It's so horrible being piggy in the middle Dad. I know she's the one in the wrong, but she's my mum and I love her."

"Of course you do."I said stroking her hair. "And so you should. Leave David to me. If he doesn't want to talk to her then he can tell her himself."

I waited for her to dry her eyes and asked if she and her Gran could finish cooking Christmas dinner. When she said she could, I called up to David.

"David. Get your arse down here; we're going down the pub." He started to protest but I soon stopped that. "You're coming with me or you're feeling the rough end of your Gran's tongue. Which is it to be?"

"OK. OK. I'm coming."

He didn't take kindly to being told to man up. As we walked to the pub his head was down as he suffered the lecture.

"I thought I brought you up better than that." I said. "If you've got an issue with your mother you damned well tell her about it. You do not hide behind your sister."

"I wasn't."

"Yes you were. Tell her I'm in the shower you said. She's your mother. She brought you into this world. The least you owe her is an explanation."

"How can you be on her side after what she did to you?"

"I'm not siding with her. If I'm siding with anyone it's your sister. She still wants a relationship of some kind with your mother, and you're making it pretty difficult for her."

"So what am I supposed to do, tell her to piss off?"

"If that's the way you feel, yes."

"I can't. I can't do that to her dad."

"Then you can do what your sister does, try to remain friendly or do what I do, be civil to her, treat her like any other person you know. What you don't do, is to get your sister to lie for you. Are we clear on that?"

"Crystal clear, Dad. I suppose that means you want me to get the beers in."

I slapped his back. "Since it probably comes out of my pocket in the long run, I'll get them in."

I was pleased to see that David's first action on getting home was to give his sister a hug and an apology. The rest of the holiday went well and I even got to see Sephie at New Year.

By Easter David was starting to get a little stressed with final exams coming up. He also had to decide what to do about graduation. It was to be held in the cathedral, each student was only allocated two tickets.

"I've been thinking about what you said at Christmas. I think I'd like to give mum a chance to come to my graduation. I only get two tickets so you might find yourself sitting next to her if she comes. Would that be alright with you?"

"No problem for me."

"Well, of course, she may not come."

"She'll come alright, but she'll want to bring arsehole with her."

"She'll be out of luck then, I only get two tickets and you're having one"

Sure enough on a bright July morning I found myself standing in the cathedral waiting for the graduation ceremony to start.

"You're looking well." she said as she took her seat. "The single life must agree with you."

"It has its moments." I looked her up and down."You're looking ... well, tired, if I'm honest."

"I'm not surprised we didn't get in till 3 am."

"Well I hope you took plenty of water with it."

"Don't be sarcastic; you know I'm talking about the flight."

A hush fell over the congregation as they introduced the honorary doctorates being awarded to the great and the good. Each of those honoured gave a short speech, and then the first round of graduates filed in. As they did Penny tried for a bit more conversation.

"You are still single then. I seem to remember a woman talking to me when I called you at home."

"Oh yes, still single, you know what they say, once bitten twice shy."

"I suppose I asked for that. I thought perhaps a woman was responsible for the new look. You never looked like that when we were together."

"Well since you ask it was a woman that caused me to lose weight. I went to surprise her for Christmas and found her shacked up with another man. It's amazing what something like that can do to you."

"Really Drew, can't we put all that behind us? I've married again. I've moved on. Isn't it time you did the same?"

"I have, I've moved on so far that I told David it was OK to invite you."

"You mean he asked your permission to invite me?"

"Not permission as such but he did ask if I was alright with it."

"But you haven't moved on enough to let him send a ticket for Ion. He was very hurt you know. He'd have loved all this."

"David only got two tickets. You didn't seriously expect me to miss my own son's graduation so that Ion could see the ceremony."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know."

The university chancellor took his place and the graduation ceremony proper, got started. David's group, the Computer Science students were the last group and so we had a lot of applause to get through before the sight we'd come for, our son being presented with his degree and being welcomed to the university rolls. Once it was all over we all filed out into the sunshine. Penny didn't seem to be able to take her eyes off me. In the end she had to say something.

"I just can't get over the change in you. I mean it's only eighteen months and you look so different. --It's a good difference though."

In no time at all David found us. Still wearing his board and gown he posed for photos with me and then with his mother. Another parent saw us taking turns being photographed with David and insisted on taking a picture of all three of us together. When things calmed down David thanked Penny for coming.

"I gather I have to thank your father for the invitation."

"That's not what I said, and you know it."

David calmed things down. "I asked dad if it would be alright with him if that's what you mean. To tell you the truth Mum I wanted you here. I wanted to share this with you and dad. You've both helped to get me here, but if it had been a choice, it would have been Dad."

"Well that's put me in my place."

"Sorry mum but you asked."

I tried to smooth things over. "Why don't you go and disrobe then I'll buy us all lunch?"

"I can't I'm afraid. I'm meeting Ion for lunch.Unless, of course......." She didn't finish the sentence, She saw the look on both our faces and knew the answer was no.

Oh well then, I'd better run." she said, then turned to David. I'll see you again soon darling. We're over here for a couple of weeks now. Then we are moving back permanently in September." She gave David a kiss on the cheek then nodded towards me and left.

David and I just looked at each other. David shook his head. "I just hope your wrong Dad."

"So do I Son. So do I."

David spent a couple of weeks at home, and then went on a European trip before he started work for a large software house in London.

Penny did return in September bringing her young husband with her. I heard about it from Phoebe but she never spoke in detail. I did find out that she'd landed quite a good job with a children's charity working in the UK. I never heard about Ion and didn't much care. For a while I didn't see anything of either of them and that was the way I liked it.

I was still happily carrying on a long distance relationship with Sephie. It wasn't ideal but we managed to get together now and then, and made regular Skype calls. I would have loved to be with her more, but service personnel have to go where they are sent. At least that's what I told myself. At the back of my mind there was also the spectre of Clifford. Sephie never spoke much about him but I guessed he was closer to her age than mine. There is something about being replaced by a younger man that makes you sensitive about age. I kept reminding myself that we were just having fun and that I should enjoy it while it lasted.

As Christmas approached I began to notice some changes in the relationship. Sephie seemed to have something on her mind but didn't want to share it with me. After a while I felt I had no alternative but to ask outright what the problem was.

"Are we alright Seph? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Well there is something, and I'm not sure how it will affect us. I'm being sent to Germany in the new year."

"That's not a problem is it? You'll still get leave and it'll soon be over. How long will you be there?"

"Two years. Yes I'll get leave but it's not much, only six to eight weeks in a year. I don't know what to do."

"There's not much you can do is there? I mean if the army says go, you've got to go."

"I could resign my commission; get a job in the health service."

"But you love the army life and you'd have difficulty slotting into a nursing job at the same level. You can't seriously tell me you want to sacrifice your career?"

"That depends on what's here for me."

"I can still fly out during the college holidays."

"So you don't want me to resign."

"Well of course I'd love for you to stay here, but you can't give up your career for me."

"Well I suppose we can carry on the same. We'll still have Skype won't we?"

"Of course we will, I'll talk to you everyday."

"Of course."She said, and kissed me.

I didn't know what it was, but something was definitely different between us that weekend. Physically it was just the same but something, something I couldn't quite put my finger on, was missing. Following the weekend was Christmas. Sephie spent the holiday with her family and I spent it with mine. That is I spent Christmas day with my family. Boxing Day it was just Mum and me, David and Phoebe went to spend the day with their mother. I tried to call Sephie but she didn't answer the call. It worried me a bit and I must have been thinking about it when the children came home. David asked what was wrong but I just told him that I'd missed them. Phoebe saw through me. The next day at breakfast she pinned me down.

"What is it Dad? You've been quiet all last night and you're still not really here now. Is it because we went to see Mum yesterday?"

"No, of course not, you should see your mother when you want to; I've just got something personal on my mind."

"Oh my god, Dad, You haven't split up with Sephie have you?"

"There was nothing to split up we are just friends, you know."

"Yeah sure Dad. So if you are just friends why are you so withdrawn today?"

"Things are just a bit weird right now. She's been sort of distant, and yesterday she didn't take my call."

"Tell me about it Dad." So I did. I told her all about the weekend.

"And you told her to go, I don't believe you Dad. Don't you know anything about women?"

"No, I'm beginning to think I don't. I mean your mother and now Sephie, no I don't understand."

"Dad, she offered to resign her commission for you. She offered to give up the army that she loves, and what did you say? --You say 'Oh no don't do that' "

"She didn't offer as such. She was just going through her options."

"Dad she was sounding you out, trying to see if there was any chance of a future with you."

"You mean I should have asked her to quit."

"No Dad. You should have asked her to stay. You should have told her you'd do anything to make her stay. You're in love with her aren't you?"

"I don't know, I think I might be. I mean at first I thought it might be the old nurse patient thing. I mean it was her that helped me get over your mum. Now I love being with her. If I don't talk to her everyday I miss her like there is something missing in me."

"Have you told her that?"

"No! She's a young woman she wouldn't want to be tied down to an old fart like me. Then there's Clifford, I know she's still involved with him, I'm just a way of filling time while he's not there."

"I don't believe that Dad, not Sephie, she's not that kind of woman. I'm sure she really cares for you."

"That maybe so, but what right do I have to step in and ruin the life she's planned for herself?"

"Dad, don't you think that should be up to her? You've got to tell her, Dad. Tell her how you feel. Go and see her tell her you want her to stay."

On new years day I was on the A1 driving past the Doncaster turn off when my phone rang. When I saw the call was from Sephie I switched on the hands free.

"Hello Sephie, I'm on my way to Catterick I should be there to meet you from the train."

"What? No. Don't do that. I won't be there."

"What do you mean? Why won't you be there? What's happened?"

"They shifted our deployment forward. We shipped out on the 27th. I've been trying to Skype you but you're not online."

"Sephie, I'm driving right now. Can I ring you back when I've parked up?"

"Sorry I'm about to go on duty and wont have my phone. Go home, I'll Skype you tomorrow. Bye."

At the first opportunity I pulled off the road brought the car to a standstill and called her back. The phone rang for a while, and then went to voicemail. I'd been intending to stand before her and lay my heart bare, to stop her leaving. Now I find she's already gone. I just sat there for a while trying to get my head around it. Eventually I turned around and started making my way back home. I was still feeling deflated when the Skype call came through. Sephie was happy and smiling. Just the opposite of the way I was feeling.

"What were you doing driving up to Catterick? We hadn't arranged anything."

"I was planning to surprise you when you got back, you weren't meant to leave for another two weeks."

"I know. I was called back from leave on Boxing Day, and we shipped out early. I'm sorry; there was no time to talk to you. --So was there a particular reason for you wanting to see me?"

That was my chance. I could have told her that I loved her, that I wanted to be with her, that I wanted her home with me in Britain. That's what I'd intended to say to her the previous day. Somehow, things had changed; it was no longer a matter of asking her not to go. Now I'd be asking her to come back. It seemed different to me so I didn't tell her what I'd wanted to. Instead I gave a far more neutral reply.

"I just wanted to see you before you left."

"Ah that's sweet. I'm really sorry I wasn't there, but you can still talk to me whenever you want. --There's nothing wrong is there?"

"No nothing special, I just missed you."

I heard the sound of someone else in the room and Sephie turned to say something to the other person. When she turned back to the camera she looked a little embarrassed.

"I need to go Drew. We only got into our quarters yesterday, I haven't been shopping yet."

We said our goodbyes and I disconnected. I hadn't realised that tears were forming until the water started to run down my cheek. Phoebe saw me and came and sat on my lap.