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Click hereJasmine smiled as she replied, "I would like that a lot. How does tomorrow night sound?"
"Sounds so perfect, we can go out for dinner, drinks, dancing, and have romance at my place downtown." D'Artagnan said as he looked into her eyes and kissed her hand.
"I look forward to that and enjoying more of New Orleans on my vacation." Jasmine said as she kissed him on the lips.
THE END
- COMMENTS
Anonymousalmost 8 years agoYou lose some energy in some of your sentences and your descriptors fall a bit flat. "took off her....shoes." Naah, "pumps," "stiliettos" etc.
quietman200over 10 years agoThe story itself is very nice and there is enough descriptive language in their lovemkaing to add eroticism, but I have to agree with some of the other comments. The language, dialogue and narrative, is too stuffy and formal sounding, almost stilted and awkward. And there are way too many brand names. Jus say "the rental car counter" or "the airline counter", etc. It flows more smoothly that way. As for her telling the guy her details, that may be more realistic than that reader thinks. I've done it before, so it stands to reason other people might. You also need an editor to proofread because there are lots of mechanical problems--misspellings, extraneous words, changing tense, etc. I think if you got it edited to correct that and make it flow better it would be very nice. I think I like the main character. Just put more into the characters and not so much into the details. Details are good to a point, but beyond that point they can distract.
bredreover 10 years agoLove the storyline and it was wonderfully written. Some of the detailed background could be left out but I loved the story
Anonymousover 10 years agoThis was one big ad for just about everything. You forgot to mention the type of computer that what's her name logged on to. That's how memorable your characters are...I can't recall the name of your heroine and I just read this story. This story needs a lot of polishing.
Anonymousover 10 years agoDelta, Alamo, Nissan, Ritz-Carlton, Jovan, Bourbon Heat ... it just goes on and on.
