All Comments on 'Enlightened Descent Ch. 01'

could be daring to walk around naked. The best I've ever done is wear high heels to the Laundry room, butt I was too scared to let eanyone see, If I heard any one I took them off

A nice start. It's fresh and the intro is just long enough.

I think you gave Allison a distinct personality, sexually at least. And I very much enjoyed it when she realized Penny must have noticed when they first met and the effect it had on her.

If I didn't know better, I'd call the sudden unmarked switch from third person into first an unintentional mistake. I'd recommend choosing one way and sticking with it. A different matter is switching between points of view. You can still do that, if you explicitly separate the sections and make it clear whose thoughts/sensations we experience.

That said, I'm not sure about the sudden switch to Penny near the end, and her apparent shift in character - we get to hear Allison's story, thoughts and feelings, then we jump into another perspective. I think it would have worked better if we didn't get her view at all and if Allison only found out via conversation, even keeping her guessing if it really happened.

At the same time, Penny is suddenly surprisingly mean. I like the implication that there is more to her. Deep characters are good, as are flawed ones (allowing them to grow in the future), but this was just out of the blue. A twist works if there are clues beforehand, so it can all "fall into place", but IIRC previously Penny was just friendly, if a bit nosy, so I was taken aback.

Don't take this like I didn't like the chapter. I like where it's headed and am curious what will happen between them in future chapters.

Thank you as always for your critique, it is very much appreciated. The switch from third to first person was deliberate and was meant to take place upon Allison meeting Penelope. I made a small faux pas by carrying the third person into the meeting, when it was meant to begin upon their first contact. The switch of Penny’s character is more mischievous than mean, at least by intention. The small aside of her watching Allison in the ramp and hallway was more of a voyeur window. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it, and more to come.

Saphhia

A well written story despite the pov shift. Tbh this story has me really hot right now. Love it!

Enjoyed this and want to read more.

Great premise for a story. Your writing is most vivid and addictive. I can't to see what happens next!

Hooked6

Slower starting than the previous stories, but having read them I have no doubt it deserves. It's a rather longer story so it's absolutely justified a longer starting and set up of the story.