by JeanCFNM
Loosen up. This reads almost like a researcher's notes: it's all impersonal and matter-of-fact. If Ikea had a diagram for erotica, this story would provide the text.
It would be better if you wouldn't.
If your story continues at this rate, Allan grows old and dies in a few chapters.
Do not be in such a harry. You are who has to tell us the details. Describe us the scenes, enjoy writing about them and so we will enjoy them.