Every Year, Every Christmas

"Pack your bags, Maime. I want you out by the time the kids get home from school tomorrow."

Now, as I sit at our booth in the restaurant, I wonder if I shouldn't have stayed and played the punk. Just as quickly the thought fades. She cried the whole time. She said she was sorry over and over, but she packed her clothes and personal belongings and left the next morning. The divorce went quickly. Maime asked for nothing but her clothes and jewelry, most of which she had already. Before it was final, we sat down with the kids and I let her explain that daddy and mommy couldn't stay together anymore, but that we both loved them. The kids wanted to go with her, but she told them that she was sick and needed to go away by herself for a while. She made no custody request, so when the judge gave her joint custody I was surprised; but I didn't fight it. However, over the next year, I had to deal with both kids nearly freaking over the fact that, with the exception of a few phone calls, their mother didn't seem to want to see them. I knew why, but I never said a negative word to them about their mother; however, I know their own gossip lines and relatives filled their heads with all sorts of shit. I licked my wounds and cried my tears in the darkness of my bedroom with the door closed and locked. Somehow, we all survived and began to move on.

In my business, the whole situation taught me to work even smarter. I still held the purse strings to the business, but I had to trust my people to handle most of the fieldwork. I was blessed by the fact that a number of them stepped up to the plate. I called a meeting of all my employees and told them that for the next 12 months I would be the sole person to sign contracts for the company. I told/warned them that when we finished the remaining Strem Technology contracts, we would under no circumstances have any further business dealings with Strem Technologies, Inc or its subsidiaries or remaining contractors. I said that those employees who still wanted to do business with them were free to do so on their own, but that that was what they would be - ON THEIR OWN. They got the message.

I kept tabs on both Todd and Maime. Todd put Maime to work as his personal assistant. Most of her assisting, however, went on behind the closed doors of his office. She became the newest in his harem of office sluts. I also found out about some other parties that he threw for particular clients and special friends, parties where every sexual pleasure was indulged. From what the gossips said, my ex wife was one of the main attractions. After we divorced I found out that he had run a similar game on women in more than a few of the companies he did business with.

Surprisingly, when I took our company out of the mix it had an unexpected backlash. He brought in another company to replace us but they weren't nearly as efficient or effective. Soon, Strem Technologies started losing business. I found out first-hand because several of his competitors hired my company to redo work that he screwed up. Then, a number of his subcontractors bailed on him. The grapevine said that they saw what I did and decided that they didn't have to take his bullshit either. Suddenly he was scrambling to keep business and a competent work force. Eighteen months after we left, Strem Technologies, Inc. filed for protection under Chapter 11. Six months after that, he was quietly forced by creditors into Chapter 7.

Part of me hoped Maime would come back, but neither the kids nor I heard a word from her. A number of women have tried to get with me, some of them stone hotties. Several of them my kids loved. In the end, however, it was always the same. I could never lay my whole heart on the table before them because Maime still holds a piece of it.

Well, I've dined sufficiently. I put the picture of us back in my wallet. If by chance she were coming, she would have been here by now. I pay Jenny the waitress and head for the door. I'll sleep alone tonight and be over at my parents early Christmas morning to watch the kids open their gifts. As I stroll leisurely through the park, I hear Luther Vandross on the loudspeakers singing the final refrain of his song:

"My friends gather round me with holiday cheer They say to forget you, to let you go, cause you're not here Well I can't keep explaining what they'll never understand And why I'm here every year, every Christmas I return every year, every Christmas I come here every year, every Christmas."

Epilogue

In the back of the restaurant sit two ladies, both dressed in holiday red and green. One wears a red, broad-rimmed hat, with the brim pulled down to cover most of her face. Her companion stands and anxiously watches as the man in the charcoal grey wool coat secures his scarf and cap and slowly walks into the night. The lady standing is a gorgeous black-hispanic mix with a café-au-lait complexion and long wavy hair that flows down to the small of her back. She stands about 5' 5" without heels and has a 38D-28-37 figure, with an ass that should have a monument built to it. As she slowly turns, watching the man disappear, more than a few heads turn following her body.

Her friend in the hat remains seated and a little tense at the attention her companion is drawing. She looks down at the table as if trying to remain incognito. Finally her companion sits down and frowns at her.

"He was right there, just like last year and the year before that. What's your excuse this year?"

The lady in the hat picks at her salad trying to appear disinterested.

"Excuse for what?"

"What do you mean, excuse for what? He was here; he obviously still loves you, or didn't you hear Luther Vandross. The same song, just like last year. Why didn't you say something? Go to him? Do something!"

"(SIGH) What could I say to him, Trina?"

"That he's not alone? That you have been here every year for the last 3 years? That you love him?"

"He knows that I love him, Trina. He knew that I loved him when I left him. That love didn't stop me from running off after another man. It didn't stop me from walking away from him and my babies into a situation that I knew, going in, was wrong. I don't have the words to wipe away the pain of what I did to him and my kids 4 years ago. I can't just walk up to him and say, "Hi, I'm back. I'm through making a whore of myself, and I'm ready to come back home."

"Maime, nobody said going back would be easy, but there is love there and that's a start."

"Trina, you don't understand. It's not that simple."

"Reconciliation is never simple or easy, but the start is just like any other journey. You just take one step, which you missed again tonight."

"Oh, yeah, take one step. Like the one you tried to take with Randle?"

"You won't make me mad like last year, Maime. I'll never stop trying to get back with him. My situation with my ex-husband is different from yours. When we split, it was like he took our love and shipped it to Antarctica. Plus, there's Rhonda in the mix now."

"Uh huh. You screwed up your relationship chasing behind some other man's cock. At least I didn't flaunt mine in Nathan's face."

"Don't you go there Maime. It was more complicated than that."

"No it wasn't, you got hooked on some other man's dick and got busted - same as me."

"It ain't gonna work this year, Maime. The whole reason you come here every Christmas is because you hope he'll be here. Why put yourself through the trouble if you're not going to do anything?"

"Because I can't! I can't face him. I won't let him sit here alone, but I can't go to him. He deserves better than me."

"He deserves to be loved by the woman who loves him."

Maime finally looks up both anger and grief playing across her face.

"Yes! He deserves to be loved. But can't you see I'm not that woman anymore."

"Oh, so the picture he stared at all through dinner was who - Vanessa del Rio?"

Maime goes into her purse and pulls out a copy of the same picture. She pushes it toward her companion.

"Look at it, Trina. That's the woman he wants. That's the woman he dreams about and grieves over. Look at her, and then look at me. He looks as strong and handsome as ever, but look at me! He told me the night I left that all Todd Strem wanted me for was his play toy. I knew he was right, but I went anyway. He said that once Todd got tired of me he would kick me to the curb, and he was right. I knew it, but I went anyway. What neither Nathan nor I knew was what Todd Strem would take from me before he threw me away.

"What Todd had was so good it totally blew away my values and common sense. He took my pride and self respect the second time I went back to his place. I saw other women come and go. Most of them only lasted a month to six weeks before they burned out. It took a year before he finally used me up. What Todd left behind was only a shadow of the woman I had been. The woman Nathan came here hoping to see can't come to him. Look at her, then look at me. I had thick, pretty hair back then. It hung down around my shoulders. Now I keep it cut short to try to hide the fact that all the mess and stress Todd put me through caused my hair to start falling out. Where it used to be full and thick, it's thin and brittle now. The woman in that picture wore little to no makeup because she had such a clear complexion and smooth soft skin. Now look at me - all ashy and dry, even after I use lotion. I use a ton of make up now to cover all the dark spots and blemishes. The woman in the picture has a body that would make a blind man do a double take. Look at me now. Both my tits and my ass are sagging. Hell, I'm even sporting a paunch where she had a flat stomach after 2 babies. Look at that woman's face - it's young and beautiful, vibrant and alive. Now look at me - dried up, drawn up, starting to wrinkle up. Burned up, just like any crackhead on the street. No, Trina, the woman Nathan is pining for isn't here. Just some withered, foolish, old wretch."

"Maime, from what you've told me about him, what you look like won't make a difference. It's your hearts that will make the connection."

"Trina, you weren't there the night he found out. You didn't hear the stupid, ugly things I said to him. You didn't see the hurt in his eyes or watch his heart shatter into a million pieces. You didn't see the man I love make a decision to be a man and move on, when all he wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry. You didn't see or hear me look him dead in the eyes and tell him that he wasn't man enough for me anymore. You didn't hear me tell him that sex with Todd was more important than my family and our 7 years together. I know he loves me, and I know I could go back tonight if I wanted to, and I know he would forgive me, over time. Maybe, over time, even Jr. and Ce Ce would forgive me. But I can't beg their forgiveness until I first forgive myself. Don't you understand? I can't begin to rebuild until I've forgiven myself. The problem, is not him, it's me. Every time I look in the mirror I want to throw up. I hate what Todd made me become, but, God help me, even after all this time I can't say that if he offered to take me back, I'd be able to say no. I cry every night because I know I left Nathan and my babies alone. I know that I can never make that up, never get that time back. Every night I hate myself all over again."

"So you won't go after him?"

"No. He's rebuilt his life and moved on. Maybe one day he'll find someone who can truly mend his heart. When that happens, part of me will die because he won't come back here. He won't have to. However, until then I'll be here, watching over him. I'll be here with Luther, every year, every Christmas."

END