Excerpts from a Diary

Editor : As said above, ballet heels were never a mainstream fashion. In Van Hessels effects was found a receipt for a payment to one A. Vanatola. The only reference found to that name was of Anatailia Vantaola who was a dancer in the Dutch Royal Ballet

December 17th 1834

Today my Aunt visited me and gave me advice about my forthcoming married life, she was very nervous and had to keep consulting her notes. She said that I must be subservient at all times to my new husbands wishes and make myself available to satisfy his manly urgings at all times. This she said is a women's burden and I should at no time take enjoyment from the act and that it would be unladylike for me try and satisfy myself, my body was to become my husbands property and should be compliant to his will. It would seem that husband will expect to use both of my holes and my mouth to satisfy his cravings.

December 18th 1834

The wedding dress has been delivered and I am surprised that my Uncle has solicited no hidden surprises. My only trial will be the waist, he has set it to close at 14½", I will be on the point of fainting for the whole ceremony.

December 21st 1834

We are now married and it is my first day aboard the good ship Maartel. The ceremony was a burden as my stays were so tight and I have put some weight back on in the past two weeks, I felt sick all day. The only thought that kept me going was the knowledge that after I was married I would be free of my Uncle's control. He had one surprise left for me as when I retired to our bedroom, he had me bound in one of my sleeping sacks and trussed in red ribbon with a massive blond wig, set with ringlets stuck to my head. My new husband would not free me immediately, he was consumed with longing and I had to satisfy him 3 times with my mouth before he freed me.

I fear he is not happy with me already, as I took so long to get dressed this morning. I had chosen one of the new day dresses and Lissa could not close the new stays even though they are only 15", my waist does not want to take up the new narrowed shape. Also with the new collar design, Mrs Van Ousten has gone to far, they are now so high and tight that when it was first closed I felt as though I was being garrotted and Lissa had to release the fastening and leave a gap. To cover the gap at the waist and the neck I wore a shawl on the journey down to the dock. At the last moment we found that we had ordered no new gloves and so I had to make do with some provided with my Uncle, they were so tight that it took ten minutes to fit them and I could not move my fingers at all. All this took some time and we were half an hour late leaving for the ship. Our cabin is the largest on the vessel, but even so it is very tight due to my large skirts and beret sleeves and I can hardly turn round. The doors are tiny and Lissa has had to push me through, as I cannot get enough purchase with the tiny soles of my ballet boots. Waiting in the cabin was a delightful selection of sweets and chocolates and a large jug of warm sweet chocolate, my husband is worried that after my enforced diet that I should get my strength back. I was so worried that he would he would be shocked when he saw me without my wig and a shorn head, but he was not at all fazed. He said his dear mama always wore wigs or bonnets and could see no problem.

Chapter Three December 23rd 1834

My husband has declared that the stage of the journey from Amsterdam to Lisbon shall be our honeymoon and that we shall celebrate Christmas in Lisbon for two days before the voyage continues. He is most attentive and gentle during the day in our marriage bed. He has cautioned me though about speaking to the crew and purporting myself in a ladylike manner. He has stressed that I only talk to the officers as he has assured me the any of crew will take advantage of me, given any inducement. The new beret sleeves are a trial they so large and stiff I can hardly do anything for myself, I am so clumsy with long knife and fork that in the end my husband had to feed me, it was so embarrassing. I am nearly as helpless as when my arms were bound. I try and take a daily walk around the deck, very slowly as my new boots are still an ordeal. For each visit to the deck, I must remove my wig and put on one of the new sun bonnets provided by Mrs Van Ousten to protect my face from the sea air and spray, I must not complain as I ordered them changed, but did she have to make the opening so small and the brim so long, the opening comes down to my eyelashes and upto my nose and the stiffened brim sticks out a full six inches, with a heavy veil at the front. I thought to ask Lissa to unstitch the veil but my husband has asked me to leave them on, as they will be much necessary in the sun of the Indies. With the bonnet and veil on my view is down to nothing and the beret sleeves will not give me the reach to lift the veil.

Back to my deck walks, I then don one of the vast hats provided by Mrs Van Ousten, they are enormous confections and so high and wide that I must bend and move sideways to pass through any of the ships doors. I then don my gloves, still the only ones I have, are the relentlessly tight ones provided by my Uncle, If the weather is fine I can then go on deck, if not Lissa arrays me in a considerable heavy cloak which buttons from neck to floor. On the deck I feel like a ship in fog in a narrow strait, my skirts are so wide I have brush heavily past every obstacle, my view is clouded by the heavy veil and my step is so unsure on the vast spindly heels that I sway unfortunately from side to side with the ships motion. I feel most stable holding onto the ships rail, which I can only just reach by pushing against my petticoated skirts with as much purchase as the tiny soles will allow and stretching forward against the stiffness and bulk of the beret sleeves. Even this relief is not allowed on the days when the weather has been inclement as the cloak has such tiny armholes that I just cannot reach the rail. I must declare that these beret sleeves, while being most fashionable and pleasing to the eye, they are dashed inconvenient and I for one shall be glad when the fashion is over.

December 27th 1834

Christmas in Lisbon was a great occasion but now we are continuing our voyage and my husband has said that he must get down to work, he has several reports and accounts to write and will be so diverted for many days to come. On my part he has given me several tasks to complete. He has said that I am not as adept in the new boots as he would want, and I must admit I have stumbled and fallen several times so far. He has asked me to practice deportment, walking, turning and sitting in the boots every day. He is not pleased I have not been able to close my dresses and he has told me that several people in Lisbon noticed it and he was sure that some assumed I was with child. As such, he stated that I should endeavour to be able to fully close all my dresses by Cape Town our next port of call. He then brought out a wooden box arrayed with polished wooden dilators; I am to use these to spread my rear pleasure hole as he has said I am to tight for him to enter. I am wearing the 1" one at present and it is very uncomfortable, I feel so stuffed. I am pleased to do this for him as he has been so gentle and attentive in the last week and even though my Aunt had said that I would not enjoy the marriage bed I must declare that look forward to it greatly.

I dearly hope though that 1" dilator is sufficient as the box contains four more all the way upto 4". With regard to the corset that would seem to be a different matter, I cannot see why I have so much of a problem closing it, Lissa has again measured it again and I have seen that they only have a 15" waist the same as my old ones. But the new shape is so very rigid, Lissa brought out the Austrian belt which I wondered at it's use in the staymakers, I now know it is an intrument is meant to force my waist into the much narrowed shape of the new corsets, It consists of a rigid metal 17" belt with two pads inside it, the pads can be pushed in by turning four screws with a key, two at either side. After lunch, Lissa first tightened my new stays until I fainted at 15½", she then revived me with smelling salts and applied the belt, as she tightened the four screws at first I could feel nothing through the rigid boning of the stays and then, I could not believe the pressure as it forced me in from both sides, after a few turns I fainted and Lissa left me on the cabin bed to acclimatise my waist to new pressure. When I awoke I felt my insides were being crushed, I was going to ask Lissa to release me, but I remembered that I must be able to close my corsets by Cape Town I suffered in silence. After dinner, my husband has gone back to his work, Lissa undressed me and to show my husband that I was hard at my set tasks, suffered the belt once more. My husband is very taken by my bedroom boots and has asked that wear them every night, they are not so much trouble as I don't have to walk in them. So here I sit writing my diary (which I must confess I have to do at night as I cannot see my hands to write in the beret sleeves), corsetted to nearly fainting, hobbled to sitting in these preposterous boots, waiting for my husband to join me in bed. I will wear the corset and belt until then. I hope he comes soon as I have so enjoyed his bedtime advances. In the mornings he has asked me wake him by sucking his tool, so that it comes to a summit without waking him, he says with practice I will proficient that he wakes with a spurt every morning. This is not so satisfying as when uses my front pleasure hole, but I wish to be a good wife and so if he is happy, then so am I. I hear his voice, he is coming ....

December 29th 1834

I fear I am not pleasing my husband, I have made no progress with my waist and seeing his displeasure I have taken wearing my stays and the belt to bed, last night he tried to enter my rear pleasure hole and found it still to tight, today I have suffered the 2" dilator and it took Lissa 10 minutes to stuff it into my arse. I can only manage to walk with a waddle with it inserted, it feels so big and my husband viewed my deportment lesson in the saloon and walked out, when he saw my clumsiness. As to my new wardrobe, I still cannot close a single dress at the waist or neck, I have suggested that we get them altered in Cape Town and he was livid, saying that we have not the time or the wherewithal to get them altered and as I had ordered the dresses I must endeavour to get into them, I feel terrible it is all my own fault, I did order the collars as tight even sending them back to be made tighter, and I thought I would have no trouble with the waist as I could manage 15" before. Also my husband has not serviced me below for two nights now and I fear I have angered him to far. I must try harder to be good wife, as I must admit my lower regions are on fire without his affections.

January 5th 1835

The list of wrongdoings grows in my husbands eyes, while on deck I stopped to talk to sailor and word of it got back to my husband, I still cannot accept him from behind even though I have been wearing the 2" dilator constantly, even replacing it after my husbands nightly attempts at entry. But last night I saw him at his most angry, as I have only serviced him with my mouth for the last week, the fire in my loins is undamped and I could not help myself, the urge was to great and used my finger to smother my urges, he woke to my moans and was exceeding heated, admonishing me saying that he had thought he married a well brought up young lady and here he finds her pleasuring herself like a common whore. I must try to resist my urges as I do so want him to be proud of me.

Editor :- From Mr Van Wetterings papers, we can establish that he was dosing Gabrielle's chocolate with large amounts of an East Indies version of Spanish Fly (an aphrodisiac). It was no wonder that she found herself constantly overwhelmed by sexual tension.

January 7th 1835

Today was not one of the best, while walking on deck with, I tried to scale 3 stairs unattended, as I cannot feel the steps with my tiny toeboots, and my legs are trammelled by some my thirteen ruffled petticoats and my vision is impaired by my tunnelled sunbonnets, I happened to trip, luckily my fall was caught by a sailor who was rapidly submerged under a mass of cloth, the poor man could not help it, but the only solid place he could get good purchase in the mountain of material to lift me off was my waist and bosom, he apologised as he lifted me and I thanked him and hoped my husband did not hear. He did find out, he was most angry, I tried to explain the reasons and I was rebutted when he said that if I put more effort into my deportment lessons, I would not have such problems. I spent an extra hour practicing moving and sitting on my heels, my feet felt like they were aflame from so much walking.

January 9th 1835

I could not help it, if only he would satisfy me to put out these cravings, I have tried to resist but this afternoon when I was laying down suffering the Austrian belt, my hand strayed down and I could not help myself, my moans were so loud that my husband came from his office next door to catch me in the act. He has now ordered that I must now take my afternoon rest fully clothed, with the belt atop my dress.

January 10th 1835

I can now only write in my diary for the short time after I am undressed, before I retire, my husband has stated that Lissa must attend when I am undressed as he cannot trust me. This afternoon, he checked that I was fully clothed in my cabin and even tightened each of my belt screws two turns at which I fainted. I must try harder to be a good wife to my husband.

January 11th 1835

Last night my husband again attempted to enter my rear hole, but could not manage it, he was very angry, he ordered me to walk around the cabin on the tip toes of my bedroom boots, and I had to stagger from one support to the next, and fetch the dilator box, I brought it back to the bed and I bent over while he rammed the 2½" dilator up my arse without pause, I cried and he made me bite on the pillow until I stopped.

January 13th 1835

We have entered the doldrums, it is so hot and not a breath of wind, the sailors have all stripped to the waist, whilst I when I am deck and I am covered by 6 layers on top and 13 petticoats below, any exertion and I want to faint. All I can do is try to stay quiet and gasp for air.

January 15th 1835

Today I managed at last to close my collar by using the Austrian belt on my neck, in the mirror the collar of the day dress looks beautiful making my neck look long and slim and the large befrilled collar framing my face, underneath though my neck is held as if in a corset. I pant for breath and no longer turn my head or lift up nor down, it is worse than wearing a posture collar as I know I must suffer this all day. My husband is pleased though and has asked that I wear my best evening dress to dinner with waist closed as much as I can manage and the collar closed fully. I shall try my best I do so want to please him.

January 16th 1835

I am in disgrace again, last night before dinner, I had used the Austrian belt to close both my corset and my collar, the last inch of the corset had caused terrible pain, forcing my ribs up and squeezing my sides to nothing until I am only 3" across my waist. My breath came in rapid pants and I could only sit on the perched on the edge of the chair, legs bent double , trying to keep my body straight so that I did not have to bend at the waist. There was nothing I could do about it, that dress has the largest sleeves of all I cannot even touch my bodice let alone adjust it. As the panting continued through the meal I could feel my décolleté slipping and my breast buttons moving upwards. Then one of them popped out right in front of the Captain I was so embarrassed, I fainted. When I awoke my husband berated me saying that he had never been so embarrassed before in his life and it was not to happen again.

Today Lissa and I have examined all my evening dresses but they are all of the same design, we have decided that with the increased uplift of the fully tightened stays and the fact that I have put all the weight back on that was lost in my enforced diet at the time the dresses were fitted that it will surely happen again. I was at a loss until Lissa suggested tying them down. So tonight I went to dinner fully laced again with a piece of cotton tied to each nipple and then down to the top of the corset. I asked Lissa to pull them down extra tight. The pain was excruciating and it got worse through the meal as my panting forced my breasts higher and higher. My husband was very pleased with my ingenuity and so I shall have to suffer it from now on until another solution can be found.

January 18th 1835

My husband still has not serviced me I am constantly on edge, he declares himself to tired and he is working from dawn to dusk, although I have serviced him three times today with my mouth, also I am still not wide enough to for him to enter my behind and this is displeasing him. Today I tried the 3" dilator, Lissa pushed for an hour but could not get it fully in, I seem to be much tighter lower down with the tightness of the corset. In the end we managed to get it fully in with the aid of a large dollop of fat from the ships galley. I feel so full down below I think I am going to burst. While I was resting this afternoon, laid on my bed fully dressed and the Austrian belt tightened, I tried to reach down and pull my skirts up, the bloated beret sleeves hindered me and there was to much volume of material for me to reach over with my hampered arms, at this point my husband entered and knew immediately what I was trying to do. Now Lissa has to sit with in the cabin whilst I am resting.

January 21st 1835

Last night I disgraced myself again, in the heat I needed some relief and must admit that I did fondle myself again. I could not help myself, with the heat and the lack of attention from my husband I just could not help myself. He was beside himself, saying that he could not believe that any lady of breeding had such a lack of self-restraint. This morning he vowed to do something about and went to his office and returned with a letter. He told me that it was from Uncle and should be opened when it became clear that his niece required punishment. He had told my Uncle at the time that he did not think he would ever have to open it. When he had read it, he informed me that his Uncle had predicted an event such as last night and that all his nieces restraint equipment was packed in a crate in the hold. He sent Lissa to get it opened and bring back a pair of arm binders. As I finish this entry Lissa stands by and soon I must bend my arms back doubled so that she can bind them. My husband has declared that this will happen henceforward until I have demonstrated some self control.

January 23rd 1835

My torment increases, every night I wish for husband to satisfy my front pleasure hole, and every night he bemoans the fact that he cannot enter my back pleasure hole. I must persevere.

January 25th 1835

We are two days from Cape Town, I shall be glad of some time off the ship.

January 26th 1835

I have fallen again, last night my husband briefly enter my front pleasure hole, bringing me hopes of release, but the he exited and had me finish him off with my mouth. I could not help myself and as I could reach with my arms bound I bent my leg double and used the long toe of the bedroom boots to satisfy myself. My husband was so enraged I thought he was going to strike me. He has said nothing to me this morning even though I woke him perfectly as he spurted which I find a very difficult task just supporting my self on my bound elbows. Tonight he has sworn he will not put with my lack of discipline.