All Comments on 'Family Affairs'

... you obviously have little concept of how to show what is intended as "speech" and what is just the story!

The way you've written it is very puzzling in many places where you go from descriptive text straight into what, on closer reading, is intended to be "speech" by one or another of the people involved.

Should have been at least 4* but with the difficulties you cause readers I can only give 3*!

First, ditto everything the last comment said about your dialog/narration/text.

Second, you've got to cool it with all the fucking exclamation points. Just calm the hell down, man. It not only was COMPLETELY unnecessary, but it became so distracting that instead of paying attention to the story, I found myself counting "!'s".

Dude, if your reader is counting exclamation points, you have failed to capture his attention.

Your handle might be the answer. Stick to reading as you are a natural born reader.

It's too bad that your writing skills are so poor because you have the substance here to weave a nice tale. You've managed to mishandle presenting character dialogue and the overuse of exclamation points, as noted by other commenters, was very distracting. I've given you a three mostly because of the effort you put forth in your attempt at storytelling. As in so many cases, get some proofing and editing assistance!

Besides exclamation points. Your narrator sounds excited about everything, which gets tiresome fast. i had to throw in the towel around when she lost her leg.

I read this story and enjoyed it. This is the first one you've submitted to Lit. Good solid effort, great story line and development.

To the two named critics who have provided their 'professional' feedback, I'd like to suggest that you both pluck up the courage and submit your own story before picking holes in others. It seems like you both have over inflated egos and I suspect very very small penises.

The words 'stupid twat' describes the critics perfectly.

Yes, by all means ignore the people who posted sound, valid comments and listen to the ones who can't do anything but trash others for daring to post those comments -- especially those who post anonymous comments slamming "annony."

i am not posting as anonymous so you will know that what i say is true. i had to stop reading this dribble on page 1 i skipped to page 3 hoping it was better and then went back to page 2 and tried to give you the benefit of doubt it was a complete waste of time and hard to get past "sat" so many times in one page when the word you wanted was sitting. and then becoming a millionaire? even a harder part to believe anyone could hide this fact is really not comprehensible under your circumstances and the court never takes a lawyers word on anything like you described the court would have to investigate the finances and the amount you mentioned $84 million would take years to settle

please go back to high school and learn to structure your story better and try using believable ideas. i hate to discourage a young writer that is trying to apply his thoughts to paper but i will look for your name and remember it as an author to not read again sorry but the anonymous comments are right and if anyone tells you that it was good then it may have been a friend or maybe you gave yourself a good review t o counter the bad but it was not good

very good story and it could be continued or not up to you. Don't pay attention to the idiots.

I fell into the trap and began counting exclamation marks (!) instead of reading the story, although the overuse of the '!' made the 'story', such as it was, almost unreadable anyway. In the first 4 paragraphs you used 16 exclamation marks, after which I lost patience and you lost any further interest I might have had in this rubbish.

I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, though; I jumped back and forth across the text, and found only more absurdities, more and more '!', and lapses of logic and nonsensical writing that you really should have picked up in even a cursory read-through.

You really have no idea, and before your friends and family start posting about what an asshole I am for being so nasty to poor little you, remember; you're submitting work to be read by a generally discerning readership, therefore you must expect them to judge it on it's merits, but first and foremost on the first impression it makes. You blew that inside 60 seconds, and you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression, not here.

So I blew this story out and moved on; I have other, more enjoyable ways to waste my time than enduring twaddle like this.

Using "having written" as a criteria, a dipshit like SamuelX (or Spamuel, as I think of him) would be a literary genius. He's submitted HUNDREDS of stories. Are they all steaming piles of dog shit? Yeah, but look at all of them! Or, on the other hand, you might see a named critic without a single writing credit to THAT name. Does that mean they haven't written and submitted anything? Under THAT name? Yes. Under ANY name? I can attest to the fact that it happens. I write honest opinions in my critiques. I don't sugarcoat, and I don't blow smoke up someone's ass. If the stories I've written were submitted under the same name I've used to critique, there are vindictive bastards who would trash the story out of spite. While the story whose author has never made a harsh comment can stand on it's own merits or demerits.

Leaving THAT possibility aside for a moment, let me ask this: Does a person who watches a lot of sports become knowledgable about them, or does their opinion only matter if they've actually PLAYED those sports professionally? If I dine out, can I express an opinion that a dish is overcooked, or a bit bland, etc, or do I have to be a Michelin chef? If I'm well-read, and I'm capable of recognizing "good" writing and "bad" writing, why the hell would my opinion count for less that Spamuel-fucking-X?

And for that matter, if you're anonymous, under the conditions you're specifying, wouldn't that indicate YOU haven't submitted anything? Wouldn't your own argument mean that YOU have no right to comment? Holy shit! Did I just use logic to make you look like a dumbass? Yeah. I think I might have done just that.

The story is may be very simple and naive, but it's still good. Just continue to write as you like without thinking much about what other said!!!

I'm not sure about what's going on in this comment section, but here's my take (and look, I'm posting on an account that submits stories. I must be such a rebel.)

I stopped reading after the second sentence. An exclamation mark on your opening line is dubious, but the line itself could have had some merit as an 'oh my god!' moment. The second exclamation mark, after reciting the stats of this woman (another no-no in my book but some people like it,) set a tone I just wasn't willing to continue with. A quick skim revealed that it continued, and I was out.

My suggestion is to take a hard look at your original draft and edit down the exclamation points, or the 'excitement' over every little thing, and then resubmitting this as an edited version. Others seem to be saying there are other plot holes, so take a look at those comments and decide if they have merit too. Appreciate the effort you've already invested in this and do yourself the courtesy of editing. A great method to find where your punctuation and voice might be off is reading it allowed, even just under your breath. You'll quickly find being so excited about every detail gets tiring quickly.

~Break.

enough with the exclamation points love, please resubmit as an edited version and fix it. Nothing going on in a story should ever have anywhere near as many exclamation points as you do. If you do re-submit I'll try reading it again, so many I couldn't read past the first paragraph to know if it was good or not.

I thought it was real good. I read for content, I am happy with it.

!!!!!Way! too many! Exclamation! Points! We get it that you wanted to! make! a Point!!!!!!!

But too many !!!!!!!!!!! Makes the story unreadable. Character development was better than other stories. But get a book on grammar and write more you will get better.

Great story, needs editing though

I have read some of the other comments and may agee that the uae of exclamation marks is a little high I enjoyed the overall story and plot.

Continue writing and I will continue reading.

Thanks

BreakTheBar is a really good writer with really good advice. I've corrected a lot of papers, from grade school through college level writers, so I was able to muddle past the grammar, punctuation, and other issues for the story itself.

There is enthusiasm in the writing (and I'm not talking about the exclamation points), so that is a good thing; that enthusiasm was conveyed in the tale. That said, find a reader, or if you are lucky, an editor to help you. It's a rare one who can edit their own work to pristine perfection. I can do a fair job on the works of others, but when it's my own stuff, well ... I know what I wanted to say, and why didn't it come out that way?

Find a read or an editor, then re-submit the story. It will help with the scores. You'd be surprised how much the presentation - the grammar, punctuation, and such impact your scores.

The legal issue of the bank is a valid one. The Caymans are notorious for being hard to access -- but if you have the account numbers, you are in like Flynn. That said, such a large transfer would result in the IRS reviewing taxes, going back the full seven years, so about 2/3rds of that money would disappear before any dust had a chance to settle on those funds. That would be a severe headache not only for Dad but also for Stella as his ex-wife. Also, Angela transferring title of her house for rent free living in new quarters for a few months? Not very sound financial thinking. A few more deals like that and the three "adults" will be penniless, too. But, this is obviously a fantasy so those type of details are easy to gloss over.

Most people read but never make to transition to the writing stage, though they may dream of it. Having posted puts you in a rarer category. Most of the critiques above are well meant and should be heeded; and those that are hurtful? Ignore them.

Word-crafting, like smith-crafting or any other vocation, takes time, practice, attention to detail, and even a willingness to hammer and sweat until the results are in a shape that is suitable and pleasing. Keep writing and good luck.

Awesome story good ending too

Why the Step Mom and not his real mom???

If you have a problem with and are not able to deal with the subject of a mother and her real son, then do please select another genre for your stories!

Thanks a lot

Never! Seen! So! Many! Exclamation! Marks! In! My! Life!

This was drivel. Horrible writing, stiff plot, little development, implausible storyline and timing. Also, the writer has no grasp of the legal system. My guess is it was written by a 16 year old with a hot neighbor, acne, and delusions of grandeur.

Ignore the critical comments. You have a great story and believable. What the other readers that commented forget is that this is fiction and regardless what the real laws are you make them what you want. As far as commas, periods, and other grammar comments, I thought this was a novice writing forum. If you want a perfect written story then go buy a book and stop with the critics. Enjoy what is written and move on!

re:

Ignore the critical comments.

As far as commas, periods, and other grammar comments, I thought this was a novice writing forum.

--------------------------

Some writers here do just that.

They don't care.

Other writers here have used this venue and the constructive criticism they receive here to improve their writing.

Some have even gone on to professional writing careers.

Writers that don't care should probably turn off comments.

Writers that do care pay attention to constructive comments.

I will first say this I have no stories posted here for a simple reason the sites doesn't have what I want in terms of content creation that being said I have read thousands of stories and corresponded with a number of amazing writers and can safely say your story is not bad these commenters seem hung up on technical aspects of writing the only technical aspects you should worry about is mainly spelling since that is the primary thing that detracts from reading this isn't college application essay so who cares about such complicated things as grammar the story makes sense from a storytelling standpoint who cares about the the commenters people all want different things and can only bitch about things that don't fit into their viewpoint and are the reason tons of talented writers have left here for better forums or even quit writing altogether this site is kinda infamous for that but in all honesty doing what you like is the only important thing here

Thank you for this story. It would be nice if you could make a series of it.

I enjoyed it .

Old Silver

I rated it 4 because we don't really know about Mark mother. I would have love to read some mother/son conversation ( yeah not sex) . Because, either she's a big slutty bitch or his Dad told her Mark was dead.

I mean When she gave birth to mark she was called Smith, so I guess she wasn't married yet . So, why give up her child ? Did she not care or simply wasn't aware ?

This story had a wonderful premise which the author failed to capitalize on. After the sex started the story became disjointed and random, with new plot devices being added without regard for how, or whether they would serve story. Two stars for the premise.

Very convoluted, legs dropping off and all. As ever, though, the characters are being nice to each other, and that is good.

dear old dad will never find them as they live across town and WIMP sonny boy transferred to a univ 40 (WOW!) miles away. Love story turned into a whore story. No incest here as well. bare pussy? what real woman wants to look like a child??? this one had potential so i'm gonna be generous 2 stars!!!

Loved this story. I had my 9 inch cock(when hard)out of my pants during the reading of this story,and boy did my cock get hard.

(2/3/2022) Well, this was a bit different. I liked the ending where they’re living together as a family but Why did Mark’s biological parents need to be punished so harshly? What was the reason for his birth mother giving custody to his birth father? Why couldn't they stay together if they had been fucking all along? Commuting eighty miles a day round tip? Why not move away? This was too convoluted, IMO. Four stars for them staying together as a family and making babies.

Liked the story line, no it wasn't perfect. But I don't live in a perfect world. Maybe some mistakes, but we all make mistakes no ones perfect. I'm not a novel or story writer but I enjoy a work of fiction and fantasy. Hope I used my punctuation properly