Family Issues Ch. 08

"Sir, I need you to reset the set-top box." The support girl was as calm as she had been twenty minutes before, at the start of the conversation. Kevin found it annoying.

"That's the fourth time we're doing it."

"Yes."

"What's your name again Ms.—?"

"It's Kelly."

"I feel like we're running in circles, Kelly. Is there a plot twist somewhere in this story? A catharsis?"

"Sir, I need to put you on hold."

"No, wait—fuck!" Kevin ran back to the living room and switched the cable box off.

Helen stopped chopping the salad and looked up. "Again?"

"Yeah, I'm starting to suspect that my call wasn't really that important to them." Kevin rolled his eyes, and Helen mimed committing suicide with an imaginary gun.

"Don't shoot yourself just yet." He turned the box on. "You're on dishes duty tonight."

"Hey, no spoilers."

Kevin went back to his ravioli, tasted the filling, and spread it on the dough. He then went back to the living room.

Diana hollered her hello from the hallway. She kicked her boots under the big table, and with a heavy sigh collapsed on the couch. She was wearing a blazer and a long-sleeved, knee-length dress. Since she'd started her new job, it replaced the casual, sexy minis that were her trademark.

"New iPhone?" Kevin asked. "iPhone-8, really?"

She shrugged.

"What happened to the LG you bought last week?"

"You can have it if you like. Now shut up, I'm working. No, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my boyfriend. Yeah, I get it. Look, I know the margin sucks. I don't care if we don't make money on drinks. Yeah, I know it was different with Alice, but Alice was fired by the new owner because she was doing so great. Yes. I don't care. Alice again? Jesus. You know what? Alice, who the fuck is Alice? I'm the new boss. You don't have to understand, just do what I tell you to do." Diana punched 'end call.' "Jesus. People are maggots. Seriously, so stupid."

"Look at you, all bossy and stuff," Kevin smiled. "Kind of sexy."

"Come here and give me a kiss, Kev."

Kevin dutifully gave Diana a light peck. She grabbed his neck and pulled him into a slow French kiss. He frantically pointed at the phone. "I'm with the cable company."

"What's cooking?"

"Chicken and artichoke ravioli," Kevin said.

"What? I told you I hate that shit."

"Just so you know when it's done right it can be delicious."

"If you throw it away and order a pizza maybe."

"All right, sorry, I'll try to remember."

Behind Diana's back, Helen created a little heart between the opposite forefingers and thumbs. She loved his ravioli and knew he cooked it just for her sake.

"Sir, did you reset the set-top box?"

"So far so good," Kevin said to the cables support lady. "The image is stable."

"No flickering?"

"Wait for it, wait for it. Nope, it flickered again. No good."

"Are you experiencing a bad signal again, sir?"

"Let me set the record straight, Kelly, okay? You're the cable company. You're experiencing a bad signal. Me, I'm experiencing frustration. Right now, I'm experiencing a thought that tells me to check out Netflix."

"I'm really sorry that you feel that way, sir."

"Yeah, you sound devastated."

"On our end, we can see that the signal is strong and steady, sir. Maybe you can connect the TV to the set-top box with an HDMI cable?"

"To the wireless box?"

"Yes."

"That's like my garage fixing my car by attaching it to a mule."

"Our technical team tells me that it must be something from your end that is messing with the signal. Could be a transmitter of sorts? Maybe something that the neighbors have installed?"

"Probably the hipster couple from 54B. They're evil. What now?"

"I'll send one of our technicians tomorrow, sir. Between nine and twelve sound all right?"

"Don't you think someone older would be better?"

"No, I meant...oh I see, sir. Like a joke only different. We'll contact you one hour before their arrival."

"Thanks." Kevin hung up the call. "That wasn't a waste of time at all." He went back to his cooking while Helen prepared the table, laying plates, glasses, and drinks. Ten minutes later, dinner was ready. Kevin distributed the ravioli in three equal portions. Helen attacked her dish with gusto.

Diana gave her plate a sniff, then dropped it on the table and grabbed the ketchup.

"No! Don't!" Kevin grabbed the bottle. "Ketchup is like makeup for food."

"So deep." Diana reclaimed the bottle and drowned her plate in red. "Did you two go to the movies tonight?"

"To a sci-fi flick Helen wanted to see. Valerian the City of a Something."

"Any good?"

"It was okay," Helen said.

Kevin snorted.

"I didn't say it was a masterpiece, I said okay."

"The plot was stupid. Most of the time no one understood what was going on, including the actors and the director."

"I understood everything," Helen said

"Yeah, Helen pretended that she did, but she didn't."

"Totally did."

Kevin pulled the lid off a small pot with miso eggplants and added salt. "There was this cute dragon, and it crapped beads, and this alien chick rubbed those ass-beads all over her face. Crazy. I thought we went into the wrong theatre and were watching fifty shades of Teletubbies scat porn."

"Cara Delevingne was hot, though," Helen said.

"So what? You're prettier than her. Doesn't mean I wanna see you in a movie anytime soon." Kevin changed to a gravelly movie trailer voice. "In a time when Justin Bieber uses human appendixes to clone himself, the world calls on the only woman who can make a difference, Helen Brion. A suburban girl with no skills, sex appeal, or an appendix to call her own. This summer, Justin will be served. Appendixless Three."

"I do have sex appeal."

"Comme ci comme ça." Kevin made a so-so gesture. He fired up a butane torch, giving each eggplant slice a light searing. He should have taken the eggplants and the sauce out of the pot first because the oil caught fire, the flame jumped, and almost singed his eyebrows. He paled a little but tried to be nonchalant about it by humming and swatting the flame down with a spatula.

"This summer, houses will burn," Helen said. "The show-off cook who thought he could."

"I did that on purpose."

"Just be more careful next time." Helen gave what she hoped was a patronizing eye roll.

"All part of the cooking plan. Yep."

"Saying a lie several times doesn't make it true, darling."

Diana watched the banter between her sister and Kevin and had a nasty wake-up call. For the first time, she paid close attention to the dynamic and realized that under her nose, something unexpected was blossoming.

Helen always wore shapeless suits to her office, and shapeless sweatpants and t-shirts at home. For her movie date with Kevin tonight, she wore a new, mustard sleeveless dress that accented her round chest, perfect figure, and long legs. But the main change wasn't her new dress code. Diana couldn't detect even a trace of the reserved, cold act through which Helen interacted with the world. She was a different person around Kevin. Her sister laughed, bantered, and smiled all of the time. Her walls and guard towers were down as if she felt completely safe around him, and Helen never felt safe around anyone. An outsider looking at the scene would have a hard time determining who the couple were and who was the third wheel.

Diana didn't miss the fact that Kevin said that her sister was prettier than a Hollywood actress, nor did she miss the fact that Helen looked at Kevin as if he were the sun, the moon, and the stars.

"Okay, boys and girls." Helen tapped her glass with her fork. "I have a huge announcement to make."

"You're pregnant with twins?" Kevin said.

"Shuddup! Diana, remember how you've been trying for years to convince me that we both should go on a vacation?"

"Yeah," Diana said dryly. She used to try and convince Helen to go on a European vacation. Now that she was starting to make good money on her own, the prospect of flying with her sister seemed less hot.

"Wow, and I thought Valerian was anticlimactic," Kevin said.

"It's my first vacation in, ever," Helen pouted. "It's a big deal. I bought tickets to the Seychelles."

"Where's that?" Diana said.

"Exotic islands in the Indian Ocean, near Africa."

"I always said I wanted to experience Europe, not some backwater island."

"One week on the islands, then we'll spend a week in Europe. We'll go through Slovenia, and from there to northern Italy, Venice maybe. Then we'll fly back home."

"Italy? Nice!" Diana said.

"Look at that." Kevin showed them an underwater picture of a school of eagle rays. He pulled it from a Seychelles album of two female divers whose Facebook page he followed. "Looks like a dream. Diana, you should get at least a single diving star before you go."

Diana twisted her mouth. "My Idea of an exotic island is a cocktail glass with umbrellas, a sandy beach, coconuts, and a tiny bikini."

"Wow, look at that manta ray. I don't envy you two at all," Kevin said.

Helen gave a tiny smile. "Why would you be envious?"

"I'm not. Okay, maybe just a little."

"But you're coming too."

Kevin stopped swiping Seychelles underwater photos on his phone. "No, I'm not."

"I already bought tickets."

"I can't afford anything like that, Helen. You know I don't have that kind of money."

"Who said anything about money?"

Kevin blushed. "I...I know your intentions are good, Helen."

"Then don't be a dick about it. Say 'Thank you, I'll be happy to come along.' Who else would be my diving partner?"

"But I can't accept that kind of a gift from you. It's way too much."

"Diana can't manage two weeks without you."

Diana squinted her eyes. She suspected that Helen wouldn't manage two weeks without Kevin either. However, there was no way she was leaving him at home. "Yeah, Kevin, I won't go unless you're coming too."

"And I'm not going alone," Helen shook her head. "Be a sport. You told me to start going outside my comfort zone. It's your fault. Take responsibility."

"Helen, I can't."

"You always pay for our movies, and I never bitch about it."

"Yeah, because that's exactly the same." There was a struggle on his handsome face. He'd never traveled abroad or even been on a plane before. "I..."

"We'll use force if necessary."

"I...okay, put it on my tab, with my other debt. I'll start paying it eventually." He blushed deeply.

"If that's what it takes to make you come, then I'm cool with that."

"Th...thanks. That's the, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." He kissed Diana's cheek and irritated her immensely when he went and kissed Helen's cheek too.

Helen looked like she was willing to buy him a trip around the world and a private jet just to get another kiss.

--

Helen checked herself in the mirror and blushed. She toyed with the idea of changing into the red dress she'd bought for her date with Dennis, but that dress had an unpleasant history, and she wanted this night to be memorable. She purchased an emerald cocktail dress on a whim after the sales assistant told her she looked fabulous. In retrospect, it wasn't the smartest idea.

It hugged her body perfectly, and there was no skin showing in the back and very little in the front, which was perfect because of her scars. However, it ended above the knee, and she kept trying to pull it down. At last, she replaced her high boots with stylish silver stilettos and was satisfied. The dress was still too short, but the overall result felt more sophisticated, less slutty.

Helen gave a low whistle as Kevin came out of Diana's room wearing a tuxedo, white shirt, and a bowtie. "Wow. Big like."

"Not too shabby, eh?" he said.

"Nice."

"Fuck nice. I can safely say that I'm killing it!"

"So modest."

"I got the tux from a cousin of Mike's; he's got a dry-cleaning gig."

"Jesus, is this someone else's tux?"

"Don't worry, it was dry-cleaned."

Helen straightened Kevin's tie. "You could've asked, and I would have rented you one."

"I feel like I'm taking you to the prom."

"I never went to a prom."

"I know."

"How do you...? Oh." She remembered writing about it in her letters to Andy.

Kevin spun and gyrated like Elvis. "Did I ever tell you that I'm an amazing dancer too?" He did a Michael Jackson "Billy Jean" and a nipple twist.

"Oh Jesus, gross! Don't ever do that again, Kevin. And we're not going to a dance. It's a fundraising event for a shelter for women at risk."

"Oh, in that case, we need to stop at an ATM then. Unless you guys take checks."

"As long as the check clears."

"Hey, that's the exact phrase I want on my tombstone. What about you? Aren't you getting dressed?"

"Asshole."

Kevin laughed. "Jesus, you're so easy, it's almost a shame. Almost. You look... you look like a wow."

"A wow?"

"A massive wow."

When they went down to the underground garage, he made her giggle because he ran and opened the car door for her.

"I'm giving you the prom experience," Kevin said. "Minus the vomit, the stupid fashions, and the pressure of getting a date."

"Are you sure Diana is cool with us going?"

"Dunno." Kevin pressed the ignition button and smiled at the engine's hum. Helen's Audi-4 was a dream car. "She's probably not okay. I didn't ask her if I can escort you, I stated a fact." He adjusted her driver's seat to match his height. "What's the game plan?"

"What game?"

"We should say I'm thirty-two, and I own a software company. A billionaire. No, too much. Just a millionaire. "

"Sometimes I ask myself, Kevin, what goes on inside that head of yours?"

"Why ask yourself when you can ask me? I'm sitting right next to you."

Helen rolled her eye.

"You're twenty-nine years old, rich, successful, and beautiful. As for me, a guy tried to rob me today, saying 'Your money or your life.' I told him I don't have money or a life."

"Touching story."

"Your date is a twenty-one-year-old student who's almost on food stamps. That's so lame. The least flattering item that you have tonight is me. You can do way better."

"No, I can't."

Kevin shook his head. "How about if we say I'm thirty, and I own Microsoft."

"No."

"So just rich."

"How about if we say nothing?"

"And if someone asks?"

Helen looked at him, then rubbed her scar. "I've been hiding from people all my life, Kevin. I'm tired of being a coward."

Kevin nodded. "Just for the record, Helen. You're the bravest person I've ever met."

--

"Wow, finally." William Richardson, co-founder and president of Richardson and Williams, shook Kevin's hand warmly. "After so many years, we're finally getting to meet your famous boyfriend, Helen. Some of us were getting suspicious that he might not be real." He punched Kevin's shoulder and sniggered.

"Oh no, I eat pizza, therefore I exist, sir, I'm..." he looked at Helen. She blushed because she hadn't told him anything about no boyfriend. "I'm the...her boyfriend."

"Well, you're one lucky guy. Helen is one hell of a catch, and I'm not saying that just because she served in my beloved corps."

"Oh, you served with the Marines, too, sir?"

"Major William Richardson." Helen's boss saluted Kevin and winked. When his hand went up, Kevin could see the end of his 'Semper Fi' tattoo. He had a 'well, fuck me running' moment, because William Richardson also wore a golden Rolex inlaid with diamonds.

"You're holding up the line, dear." Carmela, William's wife, a philanthropist and former Miss USA, nudged her husband.

"Yes, of course, dear. Right as always."

Carmela gave William a stare that could freeze the melting ice caps. She stood two feet apart from her husband, and everything about her body language said disgust.

The Bowery Hotel rooftop's great hall was brimming with the upper class. People Kevin actually knew from the newspaper. Men in penguin suits and fine tailoring. Women wearing the most elegant designer clothes and enough diamonds to solve world hunger. The place itself overlooked the rich side of the bay. Rows of luxurious yachts adorned the docks in the distance. The great hall had ostentatiously detailed pillars painted brilliant white, soft velvet lighting emanating from a ceiling that looked like sea waves, and an orchestra performed on a raised stage. Waiters wearing black and white hovered around the guests, bearing trays laden with appetizers.

"Whew, that was super awkward," Kevin said to Helen once they went farther inside the hall.

"Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. I knew something like this could happen."

"What are you talking about?"

"I kinda invented a boyfriend three years ago. I wanted people at the office to think I'm less of a loner weirdo."

"And I'm it?"

"No, I wanted to impress William, honest."

"And?"

"It felt so good that he thought that I have a boyfriend. That I was like everyone else..." She blushed so deeply that Kevin felt like kissing her. "You're not mad, Kev?"

"I was talking about your boss, and his wife treating him like he has leprosy—awkward. I don't mind being your boyfriend."

"Thanks."

"But you should have given me a heads-up. We need to be synchronized in case people ask questions," he said.

"What questions?"

"How did we meet?"

"In a...place."

"Good, keep it vague. Do we have a lot of sex?"

"Once a year, on April first."

"What's your favorite thing in bed?"

"Food?"

"Hell, I knew that."

Helen sighed. "Look, I'll say you're just my date for tonight. I was too embarrassed, but I'm prepared now, okay?"

"Sure." He gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh my God, Kevin?" A tall blond girl wrapped her arms around Kevin's shoulders and pulled him close into a warm hug. He found himself face to face with the magnificent hills of Sharon Richardson. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Helen." He pulled back, a little flushed.

"Oh, hi Helen." The tall futanari model and daughter of Helen's boss, leaned and kissed Helen's cheek. The two beautiful girls gave each other a quick scan, like lionesses establishing dominance. It wasn't a fair fight, because Sharon had the libido and the confidence of Tiger Woods and Donald Trump combined. "You two? Wow. I didn't know you two dated. Kevin and I, we know each other from uni."

"Oh?" Helen's smile was faint. "Small world."

"Indeed. Oh my God, I can't believe you're here. Wow! Helen, you've got to let me steal him for a few moments."

"Sure."

"Ah," Kevin started. "I'm not—"

"Come on, I've got to show you to someone." She pulled him after her. "And I was sure this evening would be a fucking snore. I'm so glad you're here. Jesus, my mom wanted me to stand with her at the reception, but it's like the fucking cold war over there. Brutal."

"What happened?"

"My dad cheated, is what happened. She caught him red-handed, well, again. He has this sweet tooth for futanari girls. Mom kicked his sorry ass to the curb. She only allowed him to return home a week ago, but it has been silent treatment since. Brutal."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She shook her head, jouncing a pair of diamond earrings that could feed a homeless family for life. "Meh. On the bright side, he's at such a low point right now that I can guilt him to do practically anything. I'm willing to bet that if I said 'Daddy, I want a private jet,' he'd just pull out a check. What an asshole, I hope he learned his lesson."

Kevin clenched his teeth. He sure wasn't going to tell her that her father was playing dangerous games in Sin's basement. He was confident that the tattoo and the golden Rolex belonged to the person he'd seen in the photo inside her armoire.

"You look hot, by the way, Kev."

"Thanks. You look...yep."

Sharon wore a black Dolce & Gabbana evening gown, and she looked like a photoshopped model from the front page of Vogue, which made sense, as she actually had been Vogue cover girl, twice.