Farewell Fair Friend

"She did?"

"Yes, the movie was an attempt to get you in the mood. It was the closest thing to a porno she was willing to bring over."

"It was?"

"She thought it was working at first, because you were playing pocket pool."

"I was?"

"You are always playing with your dick without realizing it. You need to understand that just because it's small, we can still tell when you're squeezing it through your pants. God I hope you don't do that at work!"

I was completely mortified. Eventually, I replied, "probably not. Most of the patients I see are old and saggy."

"Well, thank goodness for that." Heidi replied. "Anyway, Ariel kept waiting for you to make a move. She even placed a box of condoms on top of her laundry pile as a not so subtle hint."

"Oh, I thought it was a small box of fabric softener or something."

Heidi rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Why did she bring condoms if she was on the pill?"

"So you wouldn't come in like five seconds like you did previously."

"Oh!" I said.

"Ariel feels completely rejected."

"Honestly, I had no idea. I really thought she just wanted to do laundry and watch a movie."

Heidi sighed. "I know you did. I guess that's the problem with you. You are pathologically honest. You have no understanding of false pretense. That's why you'll never be a multimillionaire."

"I don't care about becoming a multimillionaire. If I did I wouldn't have gone to nursing school."

Heidi was silent for a while as she formulated her thoughts. Eventually she said, "Look, I don't want you to fuck Ariel anymore."

"We're broken up. You can't dictate the terms of my sex life."

"No, it's not like that." Heidi said, sincerely. "I know Ariel better than you. She's going through a rough patch. Her career is going nowhere and she's pretty much broke. She feels completely worthless as a person. She has no luck with men, and this whole sex fiasco that went down between the two of you is making things worse. Right now she feels completely unattractive."

"Oh," I said, "I think she's very attractive"

"She is," Heidi conceded, "even with her tiny tits and giant bush."

I gave a short laugh.

"Look," Heidi said. "I'm not sure Heidi really wants to fuck you, per se, as much as she wants to fuck anybody at this point. She wants to be wanted. I think if you start fucking her, one or both of you might get hurt when she finally comes out of her funk and starts thinking clearly again."

I mulled this over for a while. "You're right." I said. "I won't try to fuck her again."

"Good."

Heidi returned her attention to her latte. When she was finished with it she looked down at her tits and said, "this shirt just won't do. It's too big. Come help me find a better one."

I followed her into my room. She opened the drawer and rummaged through my clothing. She took out a shirt and said "uh uh," and tossed on the floor for me to pick up later. She repeated this, shirt after shirt, until my floor was a complete mess. Eventually she retrieved my faded blue vintage Star Wars shirt, the one with the original 1977 movie poster reproduced on the front. "Oh this is perfect," she said, "looks like it shrank in the washer. It'll fit tight. And look at the size of Luke's lightsaber!"

"I thought you said that shirt was dorky?"

"Dorky on a guy. Hot on a girl!"

"Oh, how so?"

"Like this!" Without warning, Heidi slipped off my large green shirt. I caught a full on view of her tits. Sadly, the moment was fleeting.

"Tell me I don't look hot in this shirt."

The shirt was way too tight for her and left little to the imagination. Her protruding right tit created an additional dune upon the desert planet of Tantooine. Her left tit warped C3P0, making him wide in the middle and pushing him from the background to the foreground. The subtle bumps of her soft nipples created mounds in the desert, land mines perhaps. It was the hottest thing I had seen in ages. I wanted to take a picture and post it on the internet. "It's okay," I lied.

Heidi eyed me suspiciously. "How about my ass?" She turned around and stuck it out at me. "Look how tight it looks in your underwear. I dare you say you don't like my ass?"

I really didn't know what to say, so I remained quiet. Heidi had laid out a pretty dangerous mine field. I knew I had to proceed carefully.

"Really?" she said after a pause. "I can't believe you don't like my new ass. You know despite all the weight I lost, it isn't actually not that much smaller than before, but it's way tighter. See here," she said pointing, "it pokes out to the back now. Before it sagged out to the sides like jello."

"It's a nice ass." I conceded, which was the truth.

"But you like my old saggy ass better, don't you?"

"I liked your old ass too."

"Yeah, but which is better."

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. "I like your ass the way it is now, it's super athletic."

"I knew it—"

"But I also like your old..." I couldn't think of the right word."

"Fat ass. Come on, say it."

"No."

"Say it!" Heidi barked.

"Okay, okay, you had a fat ass, but honestly, I liked that one too."

"Really, why?"

"I liked the way it jiggled a bit when you walked. I knew its size made you a little self-conscious when you were in public, but then again, you really seemed to enjoy shoving it into my face when you were naked. It made me feel special, like it was a special treat that you only ever shared with me."

Heidi seemed surprised. "Really?" That's actually kind of sweet."

"I liked how it felt like a cushion when I pounded you from behind. I like how with each thrust I would generate a wave in your fat ass that traveled into your back. I liked your old ass because it was part of you, just as your new ass is part of you too. You're both very sexy, the old curvy you and the new fit you.

Heidi seemed genuinely astonished for a short moment, but eventually she reverted back her more cynical demeanor. "You are a sick pervert, you know that, don't you?" I could tell she was joking. "And, for your information, I am still very curvy, only my curves are harder to grab onto because they are so firm. Except for these." In one quick motion, my Star Wars shirt had joined its companions upon the floor. Completely bare chested, Heidi said, "what about these?"

"What are you doing exactly?" I was genuinely confused. Heidi didn't flirt with me much anymore, much less flash me her boobs.

"Sometimes you just have to show a guy your tits."

"Okay, but why?"

"So I can get an honest opinion. There not as firm as they were before, are they?"

Heidi was right. Her tits weren't as full or firm as they were before, probably a byproduct of weight loss. They hung noticeably lower, and they swayed back and forth when she moved instead of jiggling. As I looked closer I could make out the faint trails of pale stretch marks along the sides. Still, they were some fine tits. Her areolas were as big as compact discs and surprisingly dark given her pale complexion, nearly brown in color. When soft, her nipples stuck out considerably. When hard, they became very long, like torpedoes homing in for the kill. I imagined how her tits would feel, soft and malleable and more willing to yield under the pressure of my groping hands.

"I like them."

"Really?"

I was getting tired of tip toeing around in Heidi's mine field. I elected then, to be blunt and to the point. "To be Honest Heidi, your old tits fit the mold better for what is considered conventional beautiful, but I like your new tits for the reason why I like both your old ass and your new ass. They are part of what makes you you."

Heidi frowned and skulked over to my bed to plop herself down. I could tell she wasn't happy with my response. Regardless, I continued, knowing I risked digging myself even deeper into a hole. "I actually have a fetish for tits with a little hang. So to me, your new tits are super sexy."

"No they're not! They're disgusting." Heidi said angrily.

"To me, tits that hang show that the woman is mature in both mind and body, and—"

"So I look old!" Heidi snapped.

"I didn't say that, I said mature. Look, we all age, and I think you are aging much better than the rest of us. You know, I used to think college girls were super-hot, but now that I'm older I couldn't see myself trying to date one. Imagine that! I would ask her if she rents of owns, but she'd prefer to talk about her favorite band or how much fun she had at her senior prom."

Heidi gave a forced laugh.

"Now I think college girls are, at best, cute. Cute in the same way a kitten is cute."

Heidi frowned.

"I also like how tits that hang lower move when you're fucking a woman."

"Pervert!" Heidi said. She sighed and pretended to look out the window, but I knew she was hurt and was avoiding eye contact. "I'm going to get implants," she said sulkily.

I knew Heidi was playing some sort of game, but I couldn't quite figure it out. "Somethings wrong with you." I said. "You never do this. Normally you come over and put me down—"

"No I don't" Heidi said, defensively

"Yes, you do, but I don't mind."

"Why not?"

"Because I like the attention, but let's stay on topic. Never before have you been this down on yourself. Never before have you asked me for validation."

"Yes, I have."

"No you haven't." I said, "there's something going on with you. Now you can tell me or not! But I'm getting tired of your games."

"Oh, so assertive now," Heidi mocked.

I rolled my eyes. I refocused my attention on the mess Heidi made and decided it was time to pick up my shirts. Part of me wanted to order Heidi to do it, but I knew that wouldn't go over well.

"Okay, okay." Heidi said, conciliatorily.

"Okay what?"

"I'll tell you what's going on." She said. She took a deep breath and looked away. "Since we broke up, I've had some really bad experiences with dating."

"What kind of bad experiences?"

"Well, take Stephen for example. So things seem to be going very well for a few dates. He's taking me out to all these fancy restaurants and ordering all these expensive wines. Recently he took me to this hockey game. His firm has this premium suite box or whatever it's called. Only no one from the firm is there, so we have the entire place to ourselves."

With effort, I managed to hide, from Heidi, my contempt for the shameless display of wealth. I knew opening up wasn't easy for her.

"I so wanted to make out with him, but we had an attendant. You know, to pour us drinks and hand out the hors d'ourves."

"Sounds nice."

"Yes, it was, but we didn't have any privacy. The game was very much one sided with the away team getting clobbered. It was boring really, and apparently Steven felt the same way. He suggested we leave early and go to his place, so I got really excited. His place was the entire top floor of this super high tower. He had a wonderful view of the entire city. We could see the green spaces and the parks and somehow the shorter high rises blocked out the sight of the more ghetto areas."

"That's fortunate," I said blankly.

"We start kissing, which was pretty cool at first, but I got grossed out after a while because back at the game he had eaten all these garlic and herb cheese treat thingies that came on cucumber slices. He had horrible breath. So I decided to focus my attention downward and start unbuttoning his shirt."

Somehow I managed to hide my jealousy and maintain an agreeable façade.

I'm kissing his chest and his abs, which are super chiseled, but he's not groping me like most guys would. I figured he's shy or something—"

"Finance guys are never shy." I interrupted.

"Yeah, I know that now, but I didn't really appreciate it at the time. But anyway, I straighten up and take off my shirt and bra so he can grope my tits. But all he does is look down at them for a second and then just nods rather nonchalantly. I could tell he wasn't very impressed with them."

"Well, he's just an asshole."

Heidi continued, "I am a bit bewildered. I've never been confronted with this situation before. Every other guy seems to like my tits, so I'm wondering what's wrong with them."

"We've been over this before. There's nothing wrong with your tits!"

"Yeah okay, but getting back to the story. I guess I'm staring at him blankly for a while wondering what to do. I had just decided to show him my pussy and ass, but he finally makes a move. He undoes his belt and zipper and produces this giant limp cock."

"Was it really that big?" I asked. My tone was, admittedly, quite pathetic.

"Not it wasn't big, really. It was huge! I started stroking it, thinking it was just going to be a shower, you know, just straighten out a bit without getting much longer, but it kept growing and growing as it got harder. I swear it must have been nine inches long. I can barely get my hand around it."

I hated the part of me that was getting turned on.

"He says, 'tell me it's not the biggest cock you've ever seen,' and all though it probably was the biggest I've seen, I didn't like how conceited he was about it. He starts grabbing my neck to push my head down so I can suck him off. It's a bit rougher than I like with someone I don't know very well, but I decide to go along with it. His cock is so big it barely fits in my mouth. I have to strain to open wide enough, and my jaw starts to ache. It was so uncomfortable. The only way I can keep at it is to take his cock out of my mouth from time to time and give him a good jerk so I can rest my jaw. Each time I take him out of my mouth, he says 'come on, just suck it!' but not in a sexy way, more of a bossy douche bag way. I'm getting eager to move on. I'm about to get up, finish undressing, and spread my legs wide so he can fuck me. But he groans loudly, and pushes my head down hard. He totally blows this giant load in my mouth, and, oddly enough, it tastes like garlic, which is like super disgusting. I'm totally gagging on his big cock and his big load. He finally slips his soft cock out of my mouth, but he's still pressing hard on the back of my neck. I'm still gagging on his cum load. He's acting all bossy, ordering me, "swallow it! Swallow it!" But I can't swallow his load. It's just too big and gross. I let it ooze out of his mouth. He jumps up, practically knocking me over. He says, quite loudly, 'Look what you did! You got it all over my pants. I have to get these dry cleaned!' He takes off his pants, slips his cock back into his underwear and hurries over to the kitchen sink. He's trying to dab off his cum with a paper towel and keeps saying thing like, 'God, that's gross!' and 'man, that's disgusting!' This hurts a bit because if he thinks his cum is so disgusting, why does he think it's a good idea to shoot it into my mouth?"

I agreed. "That is a totally jack ass thing to say."

"Then his phone rings. He starts talking about 'equity' and 'market corrections.' He makes no effort to focus his attention back at me. He even points to the door and gives me a little wave, time for me to go."

"This guy is a total asshole."

"He is. Now normally, I'd be done with a guy like that, but he's got something I really want because I haven't had one in a while."

"A ride in his Lexus?"

"No," Heidi said, "a really big cock."

"I thought you said you weren't a size queen?"

"I did say that didn't I? Honestly, I only said it to make you feel better about yourself."

"Oh," I said, insecurely. "Thanks for that, I guess."

"No, I suppose I'm not really a size queen, but every now and then it's nice to have a guy totally fill you up. You know, really stretch your pussy out."

"I wouldn't know anything about that."

"No you wouldn't." Heidi smirked. "Anyway, I arrange another date with him. The plan was to get my pussy spread out, tell him he's a lousy lay, and then dump him."

"Man, that's cold."

"It is," Heidi conceded, "but I guess I really wanted to make my exit with some control over this guy."

"But why? You've said it yourself, this guy is a total asshole."

"I guess that's just how I work. What makes me me, as you said. Kind of like my tight ass and saggy tits."

"There're nice tits. Honestly!"

Heidi ignored the comment. "So I arrange a date with the guy. I come over to his place and it takes him forever to come over and open up the door. He's on the phone with these day traders again. He nods at me, unzips his pants, and takes his giant floppy schlong out. All the while, he never hangs up the phone. He covers it briefly only to say, 'swallow it this time,' in a soft voice so his clients can't hear."

"So what did you do?" I asked.

"I kicked him in the balls."

"You didn't!" I said, completely shocked.

"Oh yes, and I made good swift contact too. I've got really strong quads now from all the cycling. I connected hard from the bottom. I felt his balls squash hard against his 'taint. Then they popped out of his pants and turned bright purple."

"No way!" I said.

"Yeah, he screamed and yelled loudly, 'holy fuck!' right into the phone."

Normally I hated violence but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. The guy certainly deserved what he got. When I regained my composure I said, "you probably ruined like a ten-million-dollar deal."

"Yeah, I hope I did," Heidi grinned triumphantly. "I don't think they tolerate screaming or sudden expletives in the finance world."

"Actually, they probably do. But it's a good story. I'll be sure to share it with my grandkids, if I ever have any."

"I'm sure you will." Heidi beamed. I could tell she felt much better about herself now that I had taken the time to listen to her story and voiced approval of her rather unorthodox manner of breaking up with the guy. I also no longer felt any jealousy towards Steven.

We were quiet for a while. Heidi propped up some pillows behind her so that she could lean against the wall. She leafed through a novel I kept by the side of the bed. I picked up, refolded, and put away all the shirts Heidi had tossed on the floor. I kept the Star Wars shirt out so Heidi could wear it later. When I was done, I looked back at Heidi. She said, quite mischievously, "I want to see your little cock again."

"No," I said.

"Come on, just for a little while. Just like old times."

"No," I said, again. This time more forcefully.

"Well, that's just not fair," Heidi whined. "I showed you mine." She said, waiving her hands at her tits, "it's only fair you show me yours."

"I guess you have a point there," I said sarcastically. "Here." I took off my shirt.

Heidi waited impatiently, "well go on. Take off your pants."

"Why?"

"So we can be even."

"But we are even," I said condescendingly. "You showed me your chest, and I showed you mine. We're both wearing the same amount of clothes."

Heidi huffed a bit, but then arrived at a counter point. "That's not entirely true. You're still wearing jeans. I'm just wearing your briefs."

"Fine," I said, and took off my pants. I was wearing a pair of briefs that came in the same set as Heidi's, only mine were grey with black trim.

"Wow," Heidi said, "you really don't have much of a bulge at all." She looked down at her own crotch. "I think my bulge might even be bigger than yours."

"Well, I hope you enjoy what you see."

"No, not really, take off your underwear already. I want to see your little cock again."

"Why should I?" I retorted. "That would put you ahead in the clothing department, wouldn't it?"

"Fine," Heidi said. She brought her feet in, and eased my briefs down her broad hips and over her feet. She stretched the waist band between a thumb and forefinger and shot them at me like a rubber band. They didn't go very far. "Your turn now!" She ordered.