Feuer Frei Ch. 02

"Okay, Hun." I spoke softly scared of upsetting him, not that I was fearful of him, I just didn't want him to be anymore upset than he was. I got no reply, I looked up and he wasn't there, I heard the TV come on and breathed a sigh of relief. I cleaned up after our meal and went through to join him.

He was sat watching the drunken master again, the old one he ignored me, I could see a line of dried tears on his face. Oh god what have I done, I don't want forgiveness jesus I don't deserve it, what I want is for him to be happy again. How will I ever manage that?

The film finished and he went to bed, just like that. No goodnight, no see you in a bit, I would have cried but I didn't have a good cry left in me. I sat looking at a blank TV screen for god knows how long. I kept rolling scenario after scenario over and over in my head, nothing gave me a way back I even thought about suicide, but that would only relieve my pain not his. Eventually I went to bed, as soon as I opened the door I knew he was still awake, I could hear it in his breathing. Whispering I asked if I could join him, he didn't answer but I saw him tense up. Now I didn't know what to do, but I decided that since we had slept together the last few nights it would be ok tonight.

I undressed and got into bed, I wanted to spoon and cuddle him, but I could feel he was not ready, that made me worry whether he would ever be ready again, at least with me. I shuddered at the thought. I am not sure which of us fell asleep first but when I awoke we were entwined it felt so good, how did I contemplate giving this up? Because I'm a fucking moron, that's why.

I think the vibration of me sobbing woke him, at first he squeezed me tighter, then he must have remembered. He slid out of bed, not with force, not with grace either, he glared at me without speaking before going to the bathroom. I wept as he showered, I don't think I have ever felt so alone.

Joe left when he normally would, I remembered he was coming back so I resolved that when he returned I would talk even if he didn't.

Of course it's always the old adage isn't it which one? If wishes were horses then beggars would ride. He came in and went straight to the computer, it booted up and he clicked on a file seconds later my voice started coming out of the speaker. He had taken a copy from Sandra's recorder, it must have a usb connector. I started to speak to him anyway, but he just glared at me then clicked a few times, jumping forwards through the recording, I imagine till he got to where he had listened to yesterday.

Click............."more disgusted with myself, because she was right. I can't explain it. It was disgusting, I was disgusted and yet I was so turned on. I went home shortly afterwards, I pretended to be ill."

Click.........."said, he, he said as coldly as I have ever heard him say anything, he said "Until now so did I." I, I think that's when I first even started to consider I should give up on the idea, but I just couldn't let it drop there could I?"

I cried as I heard my voice

Click............"still here this morning? I don't want to live anymore, I don't think I should be allowed to live anymore."

I ran out of the room, shaking I stood in the kitchen looking at the floor. Unwelcome thoughts invaded my mind, things that happened, things that could have happened. None of them good. I pulled myself together and made a pot of tea, I poured one for Joe and took it through.

I placed it next to him my words, a barrage of humiliation, punishing me as they were extruded from the speakers. Reminding me of the pain I had inflicted during my months of stupidity. I choked back my tears."

"Thankyou" It was forced, difficult for him to say, but to me it was the most beautiful noise in the world. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I was afraid he would push me away"

"......to let it drop, I no longer wanted to do it, but again and again he called me a whore, a slag and told me I would end up alone. For christ's sake I knew he....B" Click

The room was silent, all I could hear was my breathing and my blood pounding. I looked at Joe as he sat looking at me.

"I fucked up Joe, I never did anything, but I fucked up bad, I know I did and I have no excuse, even the half ones on the tape Joe. I let that bitch brainwash me and I fucked you, us completely." I was sobbing, no tears, I had none left. " But what I did, worse than all the scheming, the plotting, worse even than not hearing, not hearing what you were telling me. What is the very worst is I never even thought about you, your pain until I was feeling pain, my poor man what I have put, am still putting you through, I've broken us Joe, haven't I? All you said about trust, it's gone Joe, you'll never trust me again and, and I don't deserve it, Joe I don't deserve you."

"Yes Deborah. You have fucked up, you're right you have broken us, destroyed my trust in you. But my trust has only gone because you stopped trusting me, I, as far as I know have never given you reason to doubt me in any way, yet you kept playing your little game, refusing to believe me, but choosing to put you faith in that fucking slag, so you could have some conscience free adulterous fucking. You said on that tape that you had stopped wanting to do it, yet you still kept on at me didn't you? So how the fuck can I believe that? HOW? You say you are feeling pain now, well I am sorry about that, I did everything I could to prevent the pain you are going through now. I tried, and you know I tried. You are feeling the pain of not being trusted, by your best friend, the person you thought you would be with forever, or at least until one of you died, well, I'll tell you now as I have been living with that for a good couple of months now, it doesn't get any fucking easier, but at least you won't have some cunt dangling the idea it's all over and done with, like a carrot, while plotting their next attack."

He stared at me, I could see the anger he felt, and who could blame him? Then he continued in the same flat tone. "Does your pain make mine any less? No it just adds to it, so just don't push me, cos I really can't say what might happen. I know you want us both to forget it and move on, well so do fucking I." He took a deep breath. "I just don't know whether I have the strength."

I shrank from him I couldn't argue my case, I didn't have one. He was right, the temerity of my actions have given neither of us much choice. It might be best for us to call it a day and go our separate ways. But that has to be his decision, Looking down at the floor I mumbled "I am never going to make any more decisions about our lives together, I will do anything to make it work again. I, I'm sorry, I can never make it up to you, I'll never be able to repair the damage......"

We were interrupted by a loud knock on the back door. It was the guys come to replace our broken door and frame, Joe would have done it himself but had ordered a steel door frame to be made and fitted by a local firm. We had just sorted things out with them and Sandra pulled up I made a round of drinks for everyone. Once the men that were here to do the door, started work Sandra, Joe and I shut ourselves in the kitchen to talk.

Once we were sat Sandra started. "Today we are going to do it properly, I don't need the background, the details that you told me yesterday Debs, we are going to do it officially, so I will direct what I need to know by asking questions, but before I start, before I caution you, I will tell you I am not allowed to tell you about any statements that may or may not have been made against you by any other persons. So I am not going to tell you about allegations made that you set up, provoked and assaulted Mr Shaun Derby in your kitchen with some sort of flame thrower, and I am also not telling you that if this assault did occur, and was confirmed, we might be obliged to investigate harder into the death of Mr Winston White. I will tell you to pay attention to the caution. Do you both understand everything I have just said?"

She looked at us both in turn until we acknowledged what she had said. She then opened the bag she had with her, It contained a cassette recorder with twin decks. She unravelled a cord with a microphone and set it between us, she then unwrapped two new cassettes and put them into the machine. She took out an A4 pad and wrote on it.

"I am supposed to do this in private, so please keep absolutely quiet while I am conducting the others interview. Joe I will do you first." Sandra reached out and asked if he was ready, he nodded and she pressed the button to begin recording. She stated the date, time and her name and rank then Joe's name.

Mr Jones do you understand that this interview is being recorded. At this time you have not been charged with a crime, we consider you as helping us with our enquiries You do not have to say anything. But if an admission of a crime is made it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence." As she spoke she wrote.

"Yes"

"Did you hold a dinner party at your house last Friday?"

"I would hardly call it a dinner party, but we had guests for dinner."

"Can you tell me who was present yes Brian McGarrett his wife, Lucy and their friend Shaun."

"Would that be Shaun Derby?"

"Maybe, no one gave him a surname until you said it."

"They are all friends of yours?"

"More my wifes, I have met Brian and Lucy a few times, Lucy works with my wife. Until Friday I had never laid eyes on Shaun."

"Was there a reason for this get together?"

"Yes, those three have some weird sex thing going, they wanted us to get involved and were pressurising Debs, my wife, to join in. Oh and to help Brian escape"

"You say pressurising, can you explain that? Also what you mean by helping Brian to escape?"

"Lucy was constantly telling Debs about it, setting up meetings with Shaun, she even got Brian to lie to her and tell her how much he enjoyed what they were doing to him."

"How do you know he lied."

"He told me, we arranged to meet secretly, earlier that week, He confessed all to me, including how he had upset their, that is Lucy and Shaun's plans by disturbing a planned seduction of Debs. He told me, what had started out as fun had turned into a sick twisted thing that he had no say in, and he was a virtual prisoner and they made him do things, perverted sexual things."

"Okay." Said Sandra making a note separate from the pad she has been writing on. "What can you tell me about the sexual things?"

"I would rather not think about them thanks."

"Bad enough that you felt you had to help Brian, even though he was part of the set up?"

"Yes, it wasn't as if he had any choice."

"Okay talk me through the events leading to, through and after Brian leaving."

"Well first was to wait until Shaun and Lucy had plenty to drink, make them feel comfortable, then while going to the loo, I would call a cab, for him order it for ten minutes and tell the driver not to knock. Once I returned Brian would go to the loo and I would keep them talking to me, Debs would slip upstairs, and hopefully they would not pay her much attention, she would then let him out quietly otherwise he would have had to slam the door, after he had gone I then told them we would not be doing what they wanted, when Shaun realised Brian had gone, he became infuriated and started shouting things at me to make me angry, when that didn't work he became enraged and ran at me, I defended myself."

"How did you defend yourself?"

"I punched him."

"You punched him, anything else?"

"No not really."

"You used no weapon."

"No, why."

"Can you tell me how Mr Derby got burnt?"

"Burnt? Are we talking about the same person?"

"Are you saying that when Mr Derby left here on Friday night, he was in perfect health?"

"I'm saying the man introduced to me on Friday as Shaun left here with a couple of bruises on his face and a big one on his ego, I know nothing about any burns."

"So there was no form of flame thrower, how about spitting and igniting vodka?"

"Can that be done? I wouldn't have thought it would burn that easily."

Sandra said nothing and nodded her head slowly, I wasn't sure whether she meant it could burn that easily or was telling him he had said the right thing.

She asked her next question. "Were any threats made as they left."

"Lucy said it wasn't over I didn't know what she meant, at the time I didn't perceive it as a threat."

"What happened afterwards?"

"Debs and I had just finished clearing up all the dinner things and had sat down in the lounge, to talk about it all when the door crashed in. It was Lucy and two more of her playmates. They had a gun, and threatened us with it, they said they were going to rape her and if we didn't do what they wanted at least one of us would be shot."

"Then what happened?"

"The white guy, he and Lucy went upstairs, the other one had the gun, the dead guy. He got hold of Debs and had the gun at her head. He forced her to go upstairs and told me to follow, when Debs halted at the foot of the stairs and he pushed her I thought of a way to get us out of trouble."

"I er, we had used a safe word during some sex games, er a safe word means stop, words like stop, no are expected to be ignored so you use a safe word. I figured she would obey the safe word and he would push her again, so as she neared the top of the stairs, I said the safe word, she stopped he pushed her and as she fell forwards I grabbed him and pulled him backwards and I dropped to my knees, he fell back over me and tumbled down the stairs, I grabbed Debs and we ran out of the house and jumped in the car and drove to the police station."

"At that time did you know Mr White was dead?"

"No"

"Thankyou Mr Jones."

I watched her look at her watch as she said "Interview finished at twelve oh seven?" She took the two tapes from the machine and after writing on them put them into two identical envelopes and wrote on them.

"Please can you read this and if you think everything is correct can you sign at the end where I have marked." said Sandra as she passed him some sheets from her pad with writing on them. "Shall I put the kettle on?"

She then repeated the process with me,I backed up Joes version, but she almost threw me with one question, she might have but she shook her head as she said it.

"Have you any surgical spirit or white spirit in the house." I felt my cheeks colouring as I told her no, It wasn't a lie, remembering I had seen Joe empty an almost full bottle down the sink as we were clearing up on Friday. I had wondered why, now I think I knew. The bottle was in the bin and they should be emptied this afternoon.

Once I had signed my statement and she had put all her kit away she turned to Joe and said. "Y'know Joe. I know it's none of my business, and I really shouldn't say anything, but lets face it, I think I now know you two more intimately than probably your closest friends. But it seems to me you were closer to overlooking Debs, er, mistake on Friday, at least you were talking then. Now the pair of you seem to be waiting for each other to make it right, make it all go away. That's not going to happen you need to work out whether you want to put your lives back together and walk away from this or not. I am not going to say it will be easy, you have a long hard struggle, each of you, but remember you are the victims here and one thing is for sure, if you don't even try, then those bastards have won already."

I looked at Joe and he gave an almost imperceptible nod: I burst into tears and ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. His arms came around me slowly and then his own tears, started falling and he squeezed me tighter. We stood there holding each other for a long time then we both started apologising, I think that was the first step to recovery, I will always be thankful to Sandra, she was right. We can't let those bastards win.