by jenaluda
Loved it. What a delicious scenario you concocted. And the sex was quick and dirty and sweet. Thanks!
These two were adorable, and the sex was vivid and lush. Nice details.
Five stars, but I think I have, nonetheless, a helpful critique. Just a little one.
Don’t clutter good dialogue with descriptions of their tones, attitudes. The reader knows the mood they’re in.
“We're such classy ladies,” Hailey said and took the bottle again.
“I know, aren’t we? And to think I looked up to you.”
“At least I can drink more than you--that's something.”
“Typical diva with the drinking problem,” I said.
She slapped my arm. “Respect your elders.”
I slapped her arm in return, and we laughed and playfought until Hailey made an announcement.
“Look, since this is your last night, we should do something fun.”
“This isn't fun enough for you?” I asked.
“Jen, you're super fun, but you’re also”--she muted her voice--“a bit prudish.”
Intense, erotic, well written. A very enjoyable read. I look forward to more.
This is an excellent first outing. You have some real talent as a writer. I've got no real criticisms, other than I wish it were longer. I can't wait to see where you go from here.