Flower Girl Ch. 07

William shook his head and quoted the email, "Respect my wishes and do not contact me."

John nodded again. This would not be easy given William's experience being on the receiving end of stalking. He paused for a moment, then started thinking aloud, "There is something incomplete in that email, William. Even I can hear it. She mentioned your chemistry twice, but in the middle some vague notion of incompatibility."

They were back in the main living area and William took two beers out of his fridge. He looked completely calm, but then he spoke. "I am extremely angry. We have been forthright with each other from the beginning and if there was some concern, she should have spoken to me about it. It feels so incomplete and for her to just cut off communication because she decided..." William shook his head and took a drink of his beer.

"You should talk to her."

William gave one slow nod in agreement. "I can't imagine not talking to her again. That feels incredibly unnatural. But I will admit...I am reluctant to hear what she might say."

"Women. They sure do like to complicate things, don't they?"

William didn't answer, just continued staring into space.

"Have you eaten? I'll go to your pizza joint if you want."

William shook his head. "I really don't feel like eating. Sorry."

John nodded and slowly drank his beer. He wished for something witty to say, but he didn't know what. He felt like he was going to miss Tracy too, and he could only imagine what William was feeling, but he couldn't leave his friend in this state. "Do you want to see if there's a game on?"

"John, you don't need to stay. I know you are busy."

"Nah, not at all." John sat down on the couch and took the remote and found a baseball game and William slumped on the couch and stared, but not at the TV.

* * * * *

Petals was full of customers, but luckily Antonio was there to help make two bouquets while Tracy scheduled an appointment for a bride, then rang up two customers. Tracy was glad for the business because it demanded her to focus on work instead of William and she could actually forget that she was pregnant for a few moments at a time. Devin, her new helper, showed up, set his things down and immediately started helping customers. Tracy smiled, thinking how lucky she was to find him, although she didn't actually find him. She had asked her favorite professor for a recommendation and he said he knew just the right person.

Tracy compulsively checked her email, acting like she was busy with work, but she still secretly longed to see something from William every time she looked. She was disheartened that he didn't put up a fight about not seeing her anymore, but at the same time she was relieved because her resolve felt flimsy. She knew that being pregnant changed everything and she couldn't have back what they had before anyway. The relationship would become too serious and she would be a drag, a burden. He may not even want anything to do with her. No, this was better. Better to leave with her self-esteem still intact.

Once the store cleared out, the three looked at each other and let out big sighs. "Whew!" Tracy spoke first, "that was a rush! I am so glad you both were here."

"Yes," Antonio said, "but look at the rose stock. I hope you don't get any more online orders today."

"Yes, but we have still have some red. Those are the customers that want what they want," she explained turning to Devin, "customers are more flexible about the other colors."

Antonio said goodbye and Tracy started showing Devin how to check orders on her online jewelry shop. "I don't have any orders now, but at Christmas time, if it is anything like last year I am really going to need your help. I sold fifty-five necklaces last year; the pansies were the most popular. Hey, did you make something with that resin you took home?"

Devin looked embarrassed and said, "Yes."

"Well, how did it turn out?"

"I like it."

"Well aren't you going to show me?"

Devin looked reluctant, but then took his phone out and showed Tracy a photo. It was a silver belt buckle with the background painted white, then a piece of mistletoe suspended in the resin.

A smile widened across Tracy's face as she realized the connotation, "Kiss me under the mistletoe? Devin! You naughty boy! You brilliant naughty boy! How do you feel about adding these to the 'Flower Girl' collection?"

"Do you think anyone would want them?" Devin asked, a smile starting to curve up on his lips.

"Uh, I dunno. Let's try something." Tracy asked Devin to send her the photo, then she texted it to Pierre and waited a few seconds until a text came back that said, "I must have one! Where did you find it?"

Devin smiled widely and his enthusiasm only grew as Tracy unveiled her plan, "Women might buy them. Men probably wouldn't. Gay men will for sure. I want you to do a google search, find some novelty shops for sexy gifts and ... we need to get these out before Christmas. I'm going to order some blank belt buckles right now. Oh, and we should do some female buckles too. Maybe a 'his-and-her' set too." Then Tracy jumped out of her seat and threw her hands up exuberantly and said, "This is a brilliant idea Devin!" And she did a little excited dance to mask her pain and then even startled Devin by hugging him, but he laughed and quickly joined in on her excitement. Tracy was grateful that Devin had given her something to keep her mind busy, because she could not stop missing William.

* * * * *

The library was a hub of activity that afternoon, but William sat at his desk staring at the computer screen pretending to read. He noticed Melissa had started hovering about, coming a bit closer but not actually talking to him. But he wasn't concerned about her, he was thinking about Tracy. It had been eight days since he had received her email. He had seen her once since then, but she had not seen him. He had broken his resolve and went to the flower shop to speak to her in person, but there were people in the shop. He felt like a creepy stalker, but he really didn't want to walk in until she was alone, so he waited, hoping the guy would leave. He watched as Tracy spoke animatedly, and then she even jumped up and did a little dance and was laughing and smiling, and she hugged the guy. It looked like a friendly hug, but that is when William realized she wasn't even sad. He felt devastated and Tracy looked like her usual exuberant self. And so he left.

After what felt like the longest weekend in his memory, he was trying to focus on work, but he knew he had to talk to Tracy. At the very least, maybe she would say something cruel and he could learn to hate her. He could not remain suspended in this purgatory.

"Hey William!"

William looked up from his screen to see Ray, a welcome distraction, "Hello Ray. How are you this afternoon?"

"Good, man. Just came to get a book. You know there's a library closer to my house but I just wanted to say hello."

"Very nice of you to come by, Ray. What have you been reading?"

"Oh, I had to read some stuff from Alicia's therapist, so aside from that, just Tracy's story. Hey, did she ever come up with a title? Alicia and I just call it 'The Vera and Andy Story,' although I thought it should be called, 'Make a Hoe of a Housewife'." Ray laughed and William smiled. It was funny, but it would take a lot get a laugh out of him right now. Ray assumed William didn't get the joke and explained, "Oh, that's a rap song, man. 'Make a Hoe of a Housewife'? Dr. Dre?"

"Yes, of course," William continued the lyrics, "A bitch is a bitch, but a dog is a man's best friend."

Ray looked stunned for a second and then said, "Man, you are an enigma, you know that?"

William sighed, "Yes, I've heard. I like pizza, I play baseball, and contrary to popular belief, I am not a hoe."

Ray looked confused for a moment, and then asked, "You okay William?"

William looked at Ray and didn't answer. He wasn't sure himself.

"Tracy?"

"Yes," William answered.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. That is the problem. I thought ...no, I know things were going fantastic. Then suddenly she says we are not compatible and won't talk to me."

"Brutal."

William nodded at the perfect adjective, then inhaled and tried to change the subject to books, but he couldn't even muster up any enthusiasm for literature. Fortunately, he had a book set aside for Ray and pulled it out, "Someone returned this recently and when I saw it, I thought of you. It is not new, but it is...it is a really good book."

Ray thanked him and took the book from William but was stunned. A really good book? Ray thought to himself. Coming from William that was a shockingly blasé book review.

* * * * *

Ray stopped by the flower shop and found Tracy sitting behind her computer screen crying. She quickly tried to wipe her eyes and smile when she saw Ray, but he said, "Tracy! What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, how are you?" Tracy answered, trying to sound normal.

"Bullshit, Tracy. Tell me what's up? Yesterday I saw William and he looked like hell, now here you are crying?"

"I had something in my eye," Tracy gave a fake smile, and then bit a cracker. Then she asked, "You saw William?"

"Yeah, and the dude is not himself. Why don't you make up with him?"

"It isn't that simple, Ray."

Ray stood staring at her. He wasn't going to let her off that easy.

Tracy relaxed her shoulders and rolled her eyes. "I'm having health issues, okay? I don't want him to feel sorry for me or feel obligated to stay with me or anything."

Ray was thoughtfully quiet for a moment, obviously weighing something in his own mind. "Tell him. Whatever it is, tell him and let him decide. I don't know what I should tell you about my own situation, I'll have to ask Alicia, but she had, well she has a health issue. It's much better to know. Let him decide for himself how to deal with it."

"But...I don't want to be a burden, Ray. I'd hate for William to stay with me because he feels sorry for me." Tracy bit another cracker. "Besides, he didn't put up much of a fight when I told him not to contact me."

"You told him not to?"

Tracy nodded and Ray put his hands up in exasperation. "This is ridiculous, Tracy. You're a mess, he's a mess. You need to call him right now."

Tracy stared in stunned silence. She had been fighting the urge to call William non-stop, now having someone standing in front of her demanding that she do so was almost a relief. Tracy looked at the clock and said, "He's at work."

"Text him," Ray insisted, "I'm not leaving here until you text him."

Tracy made a dramatic sigh and bit another cracker. It wasn't just Ray. She was about to crack anyway. She picked up her phone and wrote the truth, "I can't stop thinking about you," and pressed 'send.'

Ray smiled and said, "I'm not going to hang out and wait for him to text back. I need to get back to work. But you better be smiling next time I see you."

"I hope so, Ray. Hey, take some flowers for Alicia." Tracy was grateful for the push, but was now scared to death about opening the door for William to reject her.

After Ray left, Tracy checked her phone and email, but heard nothing. She sat and ate crackers wondering if she just made a huge mistake. It hadn't occurred to her that William simply wouldn't reply, but now that felt like a very real and very frightening possibility.

* * * * *

William stood on the stoop to Tracy's apartment, hoping she planned to come straight home right after work. He already knew he was going to contact her and wasn't sure what approach to take, but once she sent a text that opened the door just a sliver, he decided to come see her in person immediately. He spotted her from pretty far away, since her bold dress and black hair and determined gate made her stand out from the crowd. But she wasn't looking for him and it gave him a chance to study her. When she stopped at the corner, she took her phone out of her purse, looked at it and made a pouty face before putting it back. William's heart melted, knowing she was hoping to hear from him.

She didn't see him until she was almost to the steps, then she reacted like a child at Disneyland who just spotted Mickey Mouse. She literally leapt in the air and shouted "William!" and ran straight into his arms, nearly knocking him over. And then she went soft in in his arms and made little cooing sounds in his ears and started whispering how much she missed him, kissing him near the ear, along his cheek, and to his mouth. William was overwhelmed. He hadn't known what to expect, whether she would be cold, angry, or standoffish. Instead, she acted like he had just returned from a long vacation. But of course he returned her kisses and asked if they could go upstairs.

Tracy did not let go of his hand the whole time, almost as if she expected him to run off. She even maintained her grip as she dug in her purse and took out her keys, and as soon as they were inside, she smothered him with hugs and kisses again. William could not properly enjoy her affection because he didn't understand what happened, what had changed. "Tracy, hold on. I think we should talk."

"Can we talk later?" They were now seated on the couch and Tracy had her hand on his belt buckle.

"Why?"

"Because I really missed you and I want to get close to you."

"I meant, why did you do that, Tracy? Why did you put me through nine days of hell? Is this how you expect it to be? On again off again? Because it is too taxing, too painful."

Tracy removed her hand and sat back on the couch, looking like a child who had her hand slapped or was told "no."

William sat in silence. He was kind of surprised at himself. He could have waited to have the talk after sex, but he couldn't just pretend, so he spoke, "I need to know what prompted you to cut me off, and what your concerns are about our compatibility."

Tracy was silent.

William waited. There was no logical explanation for her behavior and this sort of thing exasperated him. What if she didn't have a reason? Could she just be flighty or dramatic? She seemed so ...authentic up until nine days ago. What changed?

"Tracy...is there someone else?"

Tracy would not look at him, but she bit her lip and slowly nodded. William felt like the floor suddenly split open and he was sliding down a pit. He had not expected that answer and was just grasping at straws. He put his head in his hands and then heard Tracy speak.

"Yes...yes, there is someone else William. And I have been scared to tell you. So scared I thought it would be better to end it than to have to tell you." Tracy paused and swallowed. "William, that someone else is a baby. I'm pregnant."

"What?" William looked up at her and Tracy removed her glasses to wipe her eyes and put them back on. "Tracy, how can this be? Were you telling the truth about the IUD?"

"Yes."

"Then...how...oh my god," William put his head back in his hands. "Tracy - you do not want to have my baby, trust me!"

"What!" Tracy stood up, ready for a good fight, her face immediately changing from trepidation to anger. "Who are you to tell me? I am having this baby William. I don't need your blessing and I don't need your help."

"Hold on Tracy, let me think for a second," William remained seated.

"What do you need to think about? It's my decision!"

"But you are making a decision without having all the facts."

"What's there to know? I'm pregnant. I don't want to have an abortion. You don't want kids. End of story!" She threw up her hands in finality.

William sat quietly thinking while Tracy fumed, and started pacing. "I am not having an abortion, William. My mind is made up. You don't have to stay with me, you don't have to help me in any way, and you don't even need to know the baby. I'm not asking you for anything."

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't ask for this."

"Neither did you."

"Well..." Tracy softened and sat down in the chair. "I do have the ability to end it. But I don't want to, William. I had an abortion when I was in college and ...I can't do it again. That was totally different, I was young and couldn't support myself, plus I wasn't even in love with that guy."

William looked at Tracy to see if he just heard right, but Tracy just went on as if stating the facts. "I am old enough now and know what I want out of life and I want to be a mom. I didn't mean for it to happen so soon, but I can't ...I can't do it William." William stood up enough to take Tracy's hand and pull her onto his lap when she burst into tears, "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean ...to make things get so tough."

William kissed her forehead and wiped her tears, "I thought I was having the worse week possible, but you were trying to do this alone? Tracy, you don't have to. And honestly, you have tried to make a decision without knowing all the facts. I am sure you will feel differently if I tell you my reasons for not wanting children."

Tracy slid off his lap and looked at him seriously, expecting him to continue.

"Tracy, I am...genetically flawed. My mother is schizophrenic and my father is an alcoholic. My sister had a severe eating disorder and you know about my OCD, but you don't know how bad it was in the past."

Tracy saw the pain on William's face, but knew it was time to probe, "Will you tell me about your mother?"

William took a deep breath. He anticipated this conversation sooner or later, but he hated the way the words tasted coming out of his mouth. "Well...she is mentally ill. Sometimes she puts on a great front, but she is unpredictable. My father works from home so he can keep an eye on her, but he is ill too. He is what you would call a 'functioning alcoholic'. Most people would be shocked, for he never appears to be drunk, but in reality, he is never actually sober. He built an office out in the garage and hides out back there, he hides his drinking and he hides the car keys. I've just made him sound horribly fearful, but in fact he is a very practical man. People like him. He watches the house and make sure my mother doesn't take the car, although she has been known to sneak away on foot occasionally. Oh, he doesn't keep her captive. You need to understand that the voices sometimes tell her to do things; highly irrational things."

Tracy nodded and stroked William's hand, but didn't speak.

"Growing up was...well, some people have it worse. I don't want to sound as if I am full of self-pity, but certain things were...difficult. Kate and I were very close and we would have friends over, but only a select few that ...wouldn't violate our trust. Kate was tough, though. She's older, you know. She would explain to any friend I brought over what the situation was. She had this little speech, 'Our mom is not right in the head, but if you ever talk badly about her or William, I will personally kick your ass.'"

Tracy laughed.

"Well, yes, she said that to everyone until I was about twelve, then she said I was too big and my friends were too big, so I better just tell them myself."

"Did you?"

"Hmmm...I became less social."

Tracy nodded and said, "And what about your mom? What is she like?"

William paused, "I wish she was horrible all the time. It would be much easier not to love her. Instead, she vacillates between hot and cold, normal and crazy. Her 'episodes' as we call them have been subdued by improved medication over the years, but she is thoroughly convinced that..." William exhaled before going on, "someone is trying to communicate to her through food labels."

Tracy's eyes got big upon hearing this, and William continued.

"This is just one manifestation of her illness, but she removes the labels off of cans and saves them. She compares them over the years, for example, Del Monte Corn - they have changed the label three times in my lifetime. My mother compares the labels and thinks that the missing letters or word is a code to her personally. So she has file cabinets full of labels and...my dad says leave her alone because it keeps her busy, but when I was a teenager I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to reason with her. I tried to use logic on her insanity and it drove me insane...I was institutionalized when I was sixteen."