All Comments on 'Fonding and Permission Ch. 01'

That was just sensational! 5 stars.

Thank you! Please don't hold back with criticism, everyone. I'm always trying to improve my writing, so I'd be glad of it.

What a lovely story! One doesn't come across that many stories on this site that so sensitively portray the hopes and insecurities of a young person's sexual awakening. You've done a wonderful job in describing the way that this new sensibility washes over the heroine, swamping her school-girl predispositions and making her feel, much to her surprise, that she is every bit the beautiful, desirable woman that her classmates never saw her to be. I can remember certain aspects of those heady times in my own life (different generation, different gender, similar degree of self consciousness), and I think you've described the feelings dead on. Your story was a delight to read.

I have a couple criticisms, which I hope you realize are only intended to be constructive.

The atrium scene had a somewhat unrealistic ring to me. The concept itself is good: the girl reveals herself to the boys in her transparent nightgown, pretending not to be aware that they can see her, but in fact fully aware of their reaction. What doesn't seem realistic is that she can hear them so well, even though they are clear across the atrium. Surely they'd be keeping their voices down to not let her know that they are there. Plus there is a noisy party going on down below. Yet the way this part is written makes it seem almost as if the boys are right there on the balcony with her. (One way I thought you might make this more believable might be to say that the architecture of the building produced a "whispering gallery" effect between opposite balconies. The boys were not aware that their words are being overheard. The girl either knew of this effect ahead of time (had she listened in on them before?) or she just came to discover during the scene itself that she could somehow, almost as if by magic, eavesdrop on their private conversation without their being aware.)

The change in point of view was also somewhat distracting. The story is focused on the heroine, and it is mostly told from her point of view. But the scene in the ice-cream line and the scarf scene are told from Fernando's point of view. If Fernando is going to figure as a major character in the novella, then perhaps this is appropriate. But if he is in fact just the exotic summer love whom the heroine will never see again, then wouldn't it be better to maintain her point of view throughout? Especially for the scarf scene. This is her big denouement, the culmination of all the desires that have been wafting around her and of all the daring actions she has taken to pursue them. We want to experience it from her point of view.

The biggest letdown in the story is that you closed the door and shut us out of the "two wondrous hours" that formed the very heart of the culmination. You've made us privy to the heroine's most intimate thoughts and feelings all evening long, you've written them with almost first-person closeness, but then you've shied away from showing us the grand climax, the encounter she's worked so daringly to bring about. In my opinion the story is not complete, and your readers are cheated, without a telling of this encounter in the same sensitive, caring, awe-prone voice in which you told the anticipation and the build up. But perhaps you are saving this for chapter 2.

(As penance for keeping the door closed, you now have to hear what other people imagined went on behind it. I imagine the heroine gave her permission for many things that were very daring for her, and very satisfying for her, but not for everything. And I think that Fernando respected her wishes and her limits and did not feel shortchanged.)

Anyway, thanks for this lovely story. I look forward to more.

Dear HectorBidon,

thank you very much for taking time to offer a detailed critique of this story's first chapter. I am glad that you could identify with my young heroine so well. In answering your criticism, I will have take care to avoid spoilers. I want to start by saying that I am sorry to have frustrated you by cutting short the climax. I did this knowingly and I apologise for it, head bowed. But after reading your insightful comment, I bear the penance with a smile, partly because I approve of your imagination but even more because I hope and trust that the remaining chapters will reward you for your patience ;-)

About the atrium: I know the listening pushes credibility and I wondered about that while writing. Remember though, that she's seven floors up and it's only a barbecue down below, not a full-blown disco party with people yelling to be heard above the music. "Up here, utter peace" is an important sentence with regard to the atmosphere. Still, I'll look at this aspect when re-editing the story. Thank you for suggesting a whispering gallery.

I admit the perspective shifts are a tricky business. Literotica discourages them. They're an experiment that works for me as the reader of my own story, but I can see they might cause irritation in others, particularly at the first reading. Yes, she is the heroine of this chapter and I want to center on her perspective, but not to the exclusion of all others. That would have felt too, well, lonely to me. When I leave her psyche it is partly to expand on Fernando's thoughts and feelings, instead of reducing him to a talking puppet in her adventure. His speech lets you into his mind a little, but without having spent a few moments alone with him, I would find him less interesting, less alive, and I couldn't share her excitement for him as easily. But even as we enter his head, the focus is still on her. We step outside her, then turn to look back at her from the outside. By withdrawing from inside her for a (little) while, we allow her more possibilities to surprise us. Some of the portrayal of other perspectives and the surprises can be done by letting Fernando and David say things like "Look, she's letting them spread wide" and "I love that foot on the banisters". I want to let you share Fernando's exhilaration at each new revealing move. When we leave her mind for several minutes for the scarf scene, we are rewarded by the sweet understanding that "presentable" doesn't mean "dressed" but something more like "naked and gift-wrapped". This play comes at the price of giving up, at least for a moment, some of the complete intimacy we have had with her. But I want to invite you to see both a tender, lovable human with feelings to respect (for most of the story) and a sexy young female body. She more or less says it herself, when she says "Fuck this fear of being an object --I'm both!" I hope I'm not asking too much of the reader. If you can remember what it feels like in her mind even while admiring her from the outside, well, that would be perfect.