For the Greater Good: Continued

I walked back into the house. Everyone was still crowded around Ashley, asking questions and making a big to-do over her. I caught her eye and motioned toward the front door with my head. She gave me a resigned "What can I do?" look. I smiled and nodded, and mouthed "See you." She mouthed "I love you" and turned back to her family fan club as I left.

Ashley got home only about twenty minutes after I did, but it was still after eleven. "Jill seemed to notice how tired I was, bless her heart, and herded them away from me, otherwise I think I'd have been there until morning," she explained.

From the first time I'd met her, Ashley Bronson had been energetic, goal directed, and completely in charge of her life. She looked every bit of it, too, even when picking herself up after I had accidentally knocked her sprawling. I had never seen her even look slightly frayed around the edges, but I did now. I could see the beginnings of circles under her eyes. She had to be exhausted.

"Ashley, I know we need to talk, but I'm pretty shot. Can we talk tomorrow?"

She looked at me gratefully. Got that one right, I thought to myself. "Let's do. 11:00?"

"Works for me. See you then." She looked at me oddly.

"Ashley, I think I need to sleep down here tonight. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can handle..."

Another first: I saw tears on my wife's cheeks as she turned away toward our bedroom.

I suppose I looked like the stereotype as I sat on our deck the next morning, awaiting Ashley's confession. You know, your entire marriage passes before your eyes, and you wonder what she'll say and will she tell the truth and what comes next, and why it's taking so long. The stereotype was wrong. Ashley said she'd be ready to talk at 11:00; she would be exact to the minute. She would know precisely what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. She would be completely candid.

Sure enough, at precisely 11:00, she appeared. She walked with her usual energy, but her eyes told me she hadn't slept any better than I had.

"Should I have set up for a PowerPoint?" I wanted to break the tension a little, and give her credit for the preparation I knew she had done.

"Don't laugh, I almost did one," she chuckled; her sly grin appeared for a moment, then disappeared. "After all, this is the most important presentation of my life. Shall I begin?" I had to smile at that, it was just so Ashley. I didn't trust my voice, so I nodded.

"Kurt, I know I've hurt you. I knew this would hurt badly if you ever found out, and I could feel it last night when you held me. I hate seeing you like this, because I love you even more today than I did before I went to RCA.

"I knew from the beginning that this would be the most complex and difficult project I'd ever worked on, including my dissertation. It never crossed my mind that I would fail: the stakes were too high.

"You remember early on we had some time to socialize, especially that first weekend you visited, when you met the team. We weren't really pressing very hard yet. Then we got to the end of what other people had done, and we were totally on our own. That's when we started doing the seventy hour weeks, and the socializing stopped: there was no time or energy for anything but work. Tom was getting worse, so our time was limited. I even thought of calling off your weekend visits to put more time in at the lab, but John talked me out of it. He was right: reconnecting and making love with you made me far more effective when I went back in Sunday evening.

"We were working on the pharmaceutical end first, and had something ready to test just over a month in. You helped us get it to Tom, and he improved. We were encouraged, but we knew it was a 'honeymoon period' like some treatments have, and once that ended, Tom would decline again until we finished the delivery system.

"About a week later, I got stuck. I spent two long days trying to work out the boundary layer transforms. Nothing. I couldn't get over the roadblock, or find a way around it. The team tried everything they could think of to help me, but nothing worked. When I went home the second night, I knew what I had to do." She paused for a moment.

"This is the weak part of the presentation, Kurt, the gaping hole in the logic. Why didn't I call you, as I did when we were dating? Looking back, I wish more than anything that I had. I know you'd have come, and I know it would have been great. It was late at night, but that wouldn't have mattered: I called you at all sorts of odd hours while I was doing my dissertation. You were my stud, and you came through for me every time. Why didn't I call you, then? The simple, ridiculous truth is, I didn't think of it. It just didn't occur to me.

"I've been trying to figure out why, and I can't come up with a good reason. I almost gave you an emergency call night before last to ask you to come clear my mind so I could figure out why I didn't call you to clear my mind. That's absurd, right? I had my phone out to call you, but I was afraid you might turn me down. I wouldn't have been able to take that, so I didn't call.

"Remember you told me that your football coach once took the starting offense out for a weekend in the woods, away from everyone, and worked you to death so that you guys would depend on each other and not look for help from anywhere else? I didn't understand it then, but I think I do now, because that's what was going on at the lab. We hardly saw anyone else, and our levels of focus and concentration were so high, that I think I literally didn't see anything outside the team. It was like being isolated on the space station might be. I know that doesn't really explain it, but it is how I felt.

"However it came about, I only saw two options: save Tom's life, or stay faithful to you. I did not take the choice lightly. I knew that even if I made the sex as clinical and unemotional as possible, and even if you never found out, I would be changed. I'd have been unfaithful to you. Our relationship would never be the same again, even if you didn't know why, though I think, eventually, I'd have had to tell you. Even if we didn't stay together, though, you and I would survive. We would live. If I didn't get past this block, Tom would die. I made the choice.

"I decided to tell the team about my idiosyncrasy the next morning. I was sure someone would volunteer to help, and I thought it would probably be Chad. He'd flirted with me a little at the very beginning, but stopped when I shot him down. If he didn't, there was one of the technicians who I knew would like a shot at me if he could work up the nerve. As you know, Chad volunteered.

"The Sex." She pronounced it as if she were reading a chapter heading. "We kissed, but no tongues. We took our own clothes off; we didn't undress each other. We did foreplay, because I had to get wet, but with my back to him, so I didn't look at him. It was only in doggy position. I'm on the pill and I know he's clean, so it was bareback. I came a couple of times: that was the point, after all. Then he got off me, we dressed, and I gave him a light kiss on the cheek and said 'Thank you.' That was it. He had done the job, and I had the solution to the roadblock before noon that day.

"Chad was good, and as I said, he got me off. It wasn't as good as your very first time with me, and you've only improved. We talked that night after everyone else had left, and I made sure he knew I would never have an emotional attachment to him, and he could never talk to anyone outside the team about this. He agreed.

"We did it twice more, both times when I was really stuck, and couldn't see any other way around the problem. Both times, it worked. Then we had the design, you brought Tom to RCA, and you know most of the rest.

"Two days ago, we cleaned up the lab, John and I did the video conference with Tom, and we said good bye. Everyone was very nice, a little teary, but glad they would have more time with their families.

"Chad came up to me and said he was almost sorry to see the project end, because he enjoyed working with me, especially when I was stuck. I looked him in the eye and said if he ever breathed a word about it to me again, I would be on the phone with his wife. That shut him up.

"Then, John called Chad and me into his office, and told us that you had seen us. I asked how you had taken it, and he said you'd been very upset, and you smelled like you'd thrown up. I knew you had to be hurting terribly; I felt sick myself. I called you to say we needed to talk right away, so you would know I wasn't going to hide anything, and so you would know I love you and want to get past this." She paused.

"Am I sorry? That's complicated. I'm very sorry I didn't call on you; I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I could have prevented this whole mess, and the sex would have been better, too. I'm sorry you found out, though I should have known you would. You're a lot smarter than you let people think you are, and I, of all people, know that. The choice I made between Tom's life and staying faithful? That, I still think, was the right choice. It was a choice we should have made together, and I'm sorry I made it without you. I'm very sorry that I can no longer say I've been faithful to you, but I do think that given the options I saw, I made the right choice." She paused to begin her peroration (another word I learned from her).

"Kurt, you know how I can concentrate and focus, and you know how determined I am. I will use all of that to build our future together. I will love you and honor you today, and for the rest of my life, no matter what else happens. I want us to survive this together, and I'll do anything I can to make it happen. I love you, Kurt."

Ashley had told me early on she was weird; others had used words like "flaky" and "nutty." Certainly, her hyper-organized schedule and her intensity of focus, her candor and intelligence, were not usual. As our relationship grew, instead of thinking of her as weird, I had come to wish "normal" people were more like her. My point is, I knew her very well by now, and I knew she had meant every word she said. I could also see what lay behind the words: her vulnerability and her fear of losing me. I saw the tender side of her that no one outside our family knew. That didn't mean she was right, nor did it fix what happened to my heart every time the image of her and Beltran popped unbidden into my head.

I looked at her and raised my hand. "Is it time for questions?" She chuckled and gave me a lopsided grin.

"Yes, Mr., ah, Bronson?" she asked smiling, in her best 'presenter' tone of voice.

"The night you first fucked Chad, when we talked, I asked you how you'd gotten past your roadblock. You gave me some gobbledygook, and changed the subject. Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

"I did tell you the truth," Ashley responded calmly. "I just didn't tell you all of it. I couldn't tell you about the sex, because I had to focus on saving Tom, and couldn't handle the complication then. My explanation sounded like gobbledygook because I left out a lot: I didn't want to take time for all the details; besides, they might change."

"We didn't have our nightly talk the night before you cheated, because you were trying to decide what to do?"

"Partly. I turned my phone off and put it away where I couldn't hear it so I could think."

"How many people know about this?" Yeah, I admit it was petty to ask how many people knew I was a cuckold. I did it; so sue me.

"Everyone on the team knows, plus the receptionist; no one else. They only knew so they could help me keep you from finding out, and they weren't to tell anyone who wasn't on the team. Kurt, every one of them respects you tremendously for what you've given up so your brother could live. Chad can be rather a prick sometimes, but even he said he wished he had a brother who cared about him as much as you care about Tom."

Ashley didn't state the obvious, that the way she talked about me to them would have had a lot to do with that, which was nice, as far as it went.

"Ashley, you remember we talked about my going down to RCA with you. If I'd done that, would you have still fucked Chad?"

"Absolutely not." Her answer was immediate and decisive. "As I said, I'll always regret that space station mentality or whatever it was that kept me from thinking of calling you. If you'd been there, I wouldn't have needed to call. In fact, you'd have probably kept my brain clear enough I never would have gotten stuck." There was that wry grin again that I had come to love so much. It was wiped off her face as a new thought occurred to her.

"Please don't think I'm blaming you, Kurt. None of this is your fault, or Tom's, or even Chad's, really. Even if I had just heard your voice that night, which I would have if I hadn't turned off my phone, I never would have done it with Chad. Never."

"We did talk the evening before the second and third time Chad fucked you. Why didn't you think of me then?"

"I had already made the decision before I called you. It was settled and done. It was a work problem, and you know I've always put aside work when it was your time. Remember our first date, when you got there four minutes early, and I worked right up until the time I'd promised you, then put work completely away? I have to compartmentalize like that, otherwise work would keep slithering into the time I've set aside for you. It would take all my waking hours if I let it, particularly when I'm on a demanding project like this one."

What Ashley said about compartmentalizing made sense when I remembered our first date. My time with her ended exactly when she said it would: 2:35 AM, exactly four hours and I don't know how many orgasms after it started.

I paused before my final question. I wasn't sure I wanted the answer, but I knew I had to ask.

"Ashley, I know you've had opportunities to cheat on me. Until a couple of weeks ago, you never did. Why not?"

"Why not?" She looked puzzled by the question. "Because I love you, and because I promised. Plus, you're my stud and you're the best I've ever had, in any position, including doggy. Why do you ask?"

"Which of those stopped being true so you could fuck Beltran?"

The color drained from her face. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Deep, gut-wrenching sobs that shook her frame. I had never imagined seeing her this broken. When she finally raised her face to me, tears were running down her cheeks. She tried to speak, but no words came out. She fled into the house.

"So, where are we?" Ashley asked me after we shared a subdued supper. I made a whoofing noise and ran my hands through my hair. I wasn't sure where we were myself, but she had a right to an answer.

"First, I believe everything you said this morning. You're right, the space station mentality thing is pretty far-fetched, but I believe you when you say it's as close as you can come to a reason. If this had been about your wanting an affair with Beltran, you could have done that with a lot less rigmarole. Besides, you did tell me you were weird." Ashley dropped her eyes from mine and made a wry face.

"I believe that you love me, and that you want to build our future together. I love you, too." She smiled like the sun, and wanted to jump into my lap. I held my hand out palm toward her so she wouldn't.

"You have to understand, though, how much I have to get past. Leave aside for a moment the philosophical issue about cheating to save Tom's life. My problem is that I wasn't involved in the choice. You made the choice that's a hell of a lot harder on me than on you, and I'm just supposed to accept it after the fact. On top of that, I'm left wondering what you'll do the next time you get stuck, or even if you've done this before, or what else you might be hiding from me. Remember, you chose not to tell me about this until you knew that I'd already found out." Ashley's face fell.

"Then there are the visuals. I don't think I'll ever forget the sight of Chad fucking you, and you enjoying it. That may be partly my fault, because when I saw your car and his in the parking lot and neither of you was in the lab, I knew well enough what was going on. I guess I didn't really want to believe it until I saw it." I heaved a deep breath.

"You're the hero in my family right now, and rightfully so. If I even let on that I have a problem with your cheating, let alone separate from you or divorce you, I'm the bad guy in my own family. I don't know if I can handle that, but I don't know if I can handle your cheating either. Where are we? Hell if I know!" I slumped forward in my chair and put my head in my hands.

I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder and looked up. Ashley was standing next to me, pale and serious. "Kurt, when you saw Chad and me in the napping room, why didn't you just send him away and take over?"

"I thought of that, but John had begged me not to do anything to interfere with the research. Besides, it looked like you'd chosen Beltran over me anyway."

She was aghast. "Kurt, you must know I would never do anything like that. I love you too much, we have too much together..."

"I thought I knew you'd never cheat on me, too." It was Ashley's turn to slump down with her head in her hands. We sat in silence for several minutes.

"Ashley, I don't have any idea what to do. Could you go stay with Melinda and Tom for a while? You could say you wanted to keep an eye on Tom, so no one would ask questions, and I know the kids would love it. It's the only way I can think of to buy myself some time to figure this mess out. What do you think?"

Ashley thought for a long moment, then responded with her usual clarity and candor. "I hate it. I've lived away from you for months, and I want us to be together more than anything else in the world. Even though I felt I had to do what I did, I know it's hurting you, and when you hurt, I want to be with you. I want to tend you and help you heal. I love your brother and his family, but I love you far more. I never chose Tom over you; I chose his life over your pain.

"I'm afraid of what you'll think about me, and about us, without me here to answer your questions and doubts. I'm sorry to have made you doubt me, but the truth is that Chad is the only other person I've had sex with since our first date. The truth is also that I will never again have sex with anyone else unless we both agree to it beforehand.

"I understand that you need space, so I will do as you ask, but I ask two things: a definite end date, and a promise from you that we'll talk every day, and you won't hide your thoughts from me, no matter what they are."

I agreed, and we set a maximum of four weeks. A phone call to Tom and everything was arranged. As I guessed, Ashley had indeed written out what she had said to me that morning; she gave me a copy before she left. The next morning, I read that document more closely and critically than anything I've ever read in my life. For the first time since I met Ashley, I doubted her. I hated it.

Had Ashley lied to me while she was at RCA? No, but she hadn't told the whole truth about something she knew was vital to our relationship, and that was almost as damaging.

I thought back to Ashley's "emergency calls" when we were dating. Most of the time we tore off a quick doggy style fuck, then settled in to make love for an hour or two. Or more: I smiled at the memory. A few times, especially when she was under time pressure, she would kick me out after the doggy sex, and be furiously working at her computer before I even had my clothes back on. Those times I knew she was just using me for a quick orgasm or two. That was fine with me, though, because she affirmed and validated me, and our love, so often and in so many ways. It was still great sex with a hot woman. Dr. Beltran seemed to feel the same way. About being used, I mean. His claim that it was "just sex" was starting to make a little bit of sense, though I still wasn't sure I believed in such a thing.