Forced to Change Ch. 23

Katie stood outside watching the sunrise as I sat in the loft watching her. I wanted the flirty Katie back. The woman she'd been before and during dinner. The one who'd relaxed and let me take care of her. It was a silly wish, almost a dream, but it made me feel normal and that was something I'd never been able to find. I wanted to give her space but I couldn't stop watching the monitor. If she ran, I'd go after her. For now, she was satisfied by the distance my front door put between us.

I'd dated plenty of women, but I never cared about them. I've always been emotionally closed off, dead inside. I never initiated it and there was no intimacy between myself and the women I had sex with. Until I met Katie, sex had been about as clinical for me as having a root canal. I was numb before and after the event. I don't think I even saw Katie as someone sexual at first.

It was the fact that she'd killed Noel that flipped my switch, even if I didn't see it at the time. That one confession unlocked my true desire. I did want her. She'd killed someone and that meant she could understand someone like me. It was a foolish feeling, even if Carter had pointed out that it had been there from the start. I could no longer deny that we were connected in a way I was reluctant to lose.

For six years I'd watched her. When my life got turned upside down, betraying Carter and the fallout of being hunted, I had Katie. She'd caused my turmoil and at first I convinced myself that killing her was the only way to set things right. I'd be an idiot if I couldn't admit that I was changed by her—even if I couldn't see it clearly before I ever spoke a single word to her.

I was messing everything up. I didn't know how to gain her trust or why I wanted it. I just knew I needed it. I needed her to see me, the real me, and I needed her acceptance. The problem was that's not who I was. I was an assassin, but for Katie I was willing to be more.

She looked tired and worn out by the time she came back inside the cabin. I relaxed into the chair and wiped my hand across my face. The guilt of what I'd done sent me hiding in the bathroom. It was a childish reaction, but I washed up quickly, determined to face the consequences.

Katie climbed the ladder and looked around just as I came out. I went back to the wall of flatscreen monitors flashing images of the woods, checking and rechecking the area surrounding the cabin. Four screens were devoted to the front, back, and sides of the house. Mostly there were views into the dense forest. Each picture looked pretty much the same; the differences were subtle.

I stopped and stared at her, feeling unsure of myself.

"Sleeping arrangements?" Katie asked.

"Right. Well, there's only the one bed. I can sleep on the couch, but I'd rather stay up here and uh...watch the monitors." I cleared my throat, running my fingers through my hair.

She looked around at the sparse furnishings. The bed was simple, a raised mattress with green bedding, no headboard. It was in the corner, the pillows neatly lined up against the half wall that looked down into the rest of the cabin, the left side against a picture window. There was a dark wood dresser next to it with a small desk lamp on top. The majority of the room was for the security equipment and monitors. The bed was big enough for two, especially considering Katie didn't take up much room.

"You haven't slept much. You can take the bed. I'll sleep on the couch," she offered.

"No."

I took a deep breath and stepped toward Katie. She flinched so I stopped.

"You don't have to be afraid of me. I would never hurt you."

"I know that, Jared," she returned. "Even if you are a creepy stalker."

My eyebrows went up. She laughed. Could this be the playful woman from before dinner?

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired." Katie shook her head, turning to look at the bed. She looked down at her clothing, then back up at me. "So what do you have that I can sleep in?"

"Right." I blew out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and walked over to the dresser. I pulled out a white long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of blue boxer shorts while Katie shifted from foot to foot. She took the clothing and crossed the room to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her.

I was nervous; my heart was threatening to come out my throat. I went back to the monitors for a bit as I heard the water turn on, off, then on and off again. She was taking forever. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Katie, you okay in there?" I asked.

"Yeah."

I went back to sitting in the chair facing the bank of monitors as she came out of the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as she scurried across to the bed, threw back the covers, and slid in. She was restless.

I waited for her to go to sleep. Every time I checked she was wide awake. Her left foot rocked back and forth beneath the covers then she turned over and sighed. I tried to watch the monitors but I kept getting up and pacing the floor. She wasn't the only restless one.

"You're supposed to be sleeping." I frowned at Katie when I caught her watching me.

"I can't." Katie worried at her bottom lip and opened her eyes fully. I turned back to face the monitors. "Aren't you going to sleep?"

"I don't sleep much," I said quietly, running my fingers through my hair.

"Why?" she asked, sitting up with her back against the half wall at the head of the bed. She pulled her knees to her chest and smoothed the covers around her legs. She looked adorable and inviting. My pants tightened to the point of pain.

"I don't know. You should get some sleep." I got up and walked into the bathroom without another word.