Forgiveness with Retribution

Two of our friends that are very religious have condemned Mom and won't have anything to do with us. Some of our friends are 'on the fence,' so to speak. Most of them, however, have not changed their behavior toward us.

Wouldn't you think that the religious ones would be the ones sticking with us and trying to help us? Aren't they taught to forgive? We know that Jesus stressed that in his ministry. They told us so in Sunday school.

We worry that some of the boys will think that we are going to be an easy mark. You know, a 'like mother, like daughter,' kind of thing. We think that we can handle that. We really don't want to change schools.

Daddy, our main worry is about what is going to happen at home. We fear that things can't ever be the same. We have talked about this more than anything else.

When we heard about Mom having sex with her boyfriend, we wondered how long it had been going on. We were hoping it was only one time. The girls at school said that her boyfriend has been humping her for over four months!

We realize that you can't forgive such a long affair. We have accepted that the world, as we knew it, is about to shatter.

Daddy, here is the thing. We were always able to put up with all kinds of turmoil and drama in our own lives at school and other places because we had a reliable place of refuge at home. It was a place where we could get understanding and loving help with all of our problems and concerns.

We know that our problems don't even begin to equate with what you and Mom face every day, but they are big problems for us. We can't imagine a world where we don't have you and Mom to turn to with our problems and concerns. You have always teamed up to help us through those 'world shaking' things that we considered to be unsolvable.

It has always amazed us how you two always presented a solid front of help for us no matter what the problem. We tried, believe me we often tried, to drive a wedge between you and Mom. No matter how much we tried to get one parent to side with us against the other, it never happened. You were always a team.

Oh, Daddy. How can that support continue now? It's over, isn't it?

We know that it's not all about us. You and Mom now have a bigger problem than anything that we have ever faced. Now, we are the ones that must be understanding and brave. You can't let our fears put you on a guilt trip. You have our blessing and understanding to do whatever you must do. We trust you and Mommy to do your best, but we think that our lives are about to change in ways that we can't understand. Oh, why did this awful thing have to happen?

Why did Mom stop loving you and get herself a boyfriend? Why didn't she at least keep it a secret? Why did she let so many people see her doing bad things with that man?

Our friend Amy's dad owns a bar called the Black Crow. They have a security system with lots of cameras. She has shown us some pictures of Mom with her boyfriend. They are doing some very inappropriate stuff. If she was going to do that, why wasn't she more discreet? It is humiliating when our friends have seen such pictures of our mom.

Daddy, does she love her boyfriend more than she loves you and us? Is she going to leave us and become his wife? Can you still love Mom? At least we know you still love us, Daddy. We wish Mommy did too. We just wish that we could go back to the way it used to be. That's impossible, isn't it?

We hope this is what you expected from us in this homework. We have never had to do homework like this before. We hope we won't ever have to do homework like this again.

Marie & Terri

Nancy was sobbing uncontrollably as she read what our daughters had written. Even Shelly had tears in her eyes.

"Oh, god. What have I done, Ron? Is there any way that I can fix this? Will you help me? You have always been there to help me when things seemed hopeless. How can I ask you to help me this time? That's what is so sad, there's no one to turn to. My rock is not there this time. Oh, god."

I began to worry that Nancy was going to suffer another panic attack. I asked her if she had taken her medicine today. She assured me that she had. She said that she was suffering, but her duty was to move forward toward a solution, assuming that one was possible. She told me that she was alright. She wanted to finish what we had started with Shelly.

"Nancy, we have to hope that Shelly can help us. Shelly, can you?"

"Ron, in your statement you mentioned that you thought what was needed was 'forgiveness with retribution,' as I recall."

"I did say that, Shelly, but I don't have any idea how to make it work."

"Nancy, you have said that you would do 'anything' to fix this problem. Do you really mean that? Would you accept any kind of retribution if it had a chance of, at the very least, giving your daughters back their former home life?"

"Yes, Shelly, I would."

"So, it appears to me that at this point, both of you are extremely interested in giving your daughters their former life back. That, in turn, means fixing your marriage problems. Right now, I want to spend a few minutes with each one of you alone. I will start with you, Ron.

"Nancy, I will have Sally show you to our breakroom. You can have a snack and get something to drink. Try to relax. Then you two can switch places when I have finished talking to Ron. I only need a few minutes for this.

As soon as Nancy had left with Sally, Shelly came out from behind her desk and sat down in the chair that Nancy had vacated. "Ron, what is it about Nancy's affair that eats at your soul? I want you to reach down to the core and tell me what law or belief or agreement she violated. Think as deeply as you can and give me the single thing that is at the heart of your grief. Can you do that for me? There is no hurry. Give it some serious thought."

I was not ready for that question. Can I drill-down to one single thing? I tried to do that. I had never approached it like that before. I finally said, "She broke her vows. She had promised before God, family and friends that she would 'forsake all others' and she didn't do that."

"So, it is breaking her wedding vows that is the core issue. In other words, it is breaking a religious law. You do realize that she did not break any punishable law. She can't be jailed for her behavior. The only law she broke was a moral law.

I gave her words some thought. "Maybe that's not the core, Shelly, the core is that she made that promise to me."

"Now we are getting somewhere, Ron. What if you had caught her doing the exact thing that you saw on Friday back when the two of you were just dating?"

"If it had been during the months that we were not exclusive, I would have just stopped asking her out and moved on. If it had been after we had agreed to be exclusive, I would have been devastated like I am now."

"When you promised to be exclusive, was that when you gave her a ring?"

"It was before that. It was when we decided that we would not date other people."

"So, it was a spoken agreement between the two of you. If you had caught her back then, the core issue would have been that she had broken a verbal agreement?"

I thought deeply about that question. I finally answered, "Shelly, the core issue is that she failed to be loyal to me. That would have been the issue back then and that is the issue now. It is loyalty! That is the core issue, Shelly. That's what eats at my soul. I expected her to be loyal to me just as I had been loyal to her. She was not loyal and that is what is killing me."

"Ron, I completely understand that. You did good. You hit the nail on the head. You said that you had always been loyal. Are you saying that you have never, at any time and in any way, emotionally or physically, cheated on Nancy? Tell me the truth. I need to know that. You may be sure that I will only use the information to help me find a solution to the problem at hand. The information will never be shared with anyone else."

"I have never cheated on Nancy in any way. I have been tempted, but I always remember what my mom told me about dealing with feelings that could lead to something bad. She always said to 'nip it in the bud.' That's exactly what I have done. I have never let temptation turn into cheating."

Now, I am in the breakroom and Nancy is talking to Shelly. I have been sitting here quite a while. I look up and see the two of them approaching. Shelly smiled as she said, "OK, you two. Go get some lunch. Come back here at about 1:30. My staff and I will have something to show you that we hope will be the answer that you both need. It will involve forgiveness with retribution, so be ready for that."

We left the office and ended up at a lunch place called the Lonely Lion. We found a booth, got a couple of sandwiches and talked about "forgiveness with retribution." We wondered if Shelly could really find an acceptable solution for us. Neither of us seemed to be convinced, but we were both hopeful.

"What did Shelly talk to you about in that one-on-one that you had with her, Ron?

"She made me identify the one thing that bothered me the most about your affair."

"She did the same with me, Ron, except she had me approach it like I had caught you having sex in the backseat of a car. She had me consider how I would feel knowing that you had a four-month affair complete with sexual intercourse ten times. She had me imagine it and then tell her the one thing that bothered me the most about your affair.

"She also wanted to know if Vic was the only man that I have cheated with or if there have been others. I assured her, and I want to assure you, that he was the only one ever. I have never had another affair or cheated before in any way."

We wondered how that line of questioning could lead Shelly to a solution. We were puzzled.

So, how did it come out? Well, at 1:30 we were back in Shelly's office. She had two stacks of papers in front of her. She pointed at the papers on her left. "These are the vehicle of retribution. These are divorce papers. They only come into play if the agreement in these papers," she pointed at the other stack, "is violated."

She picked up the papers she was pointing to and said, "This is a common 'open marriage' agreement, with some slight modifications."

"Oh, my god," said Nancy. "I don't want an open marriage. There has to be some other solution." I spoke out in agreement with Nancy.

"Hear me out on this," Shelly requested. "Wait until I have finished and then I will address your concerns."

"First, this 'open marriage' agreement keeps your marriage intact. You are still married in every legal way and you retain all of the rights of a spouse. The only thing that changes is that you are no longer bound by the 'forsaking all others' clause of your marriage contract. This applies to any other wording with the same ultimate meaning, of course."

She went on to tell us the gist of the agreement. We were free to date other people with all that doing so would imply. We did not need approval, but we did need to inform one another about any dates that we scheduled. We also needed a plausible cover story, since our daughters were not to know about the change in our marriage.

We were to conduct ourselves just as we had always done as far as the family was concerned. We would show affection to each other just like always and we would sleep together in the same room. We would provide a normal environment for our children as much as humanly possible.

Our dating could not take needed time away from our family. We would give priority to the needs of any member of the family when it came to allocating our time.

Also, we would be discreet in every way. We would do nothing that would embarrass or have negative repercussions on our family members.

All of these provisions were meant to bring about what both of us had said was our primary concern, and that was to let our daughters return to their former lives.

The details were all spelled out in the document, but that was a pretty good overview.

The penalty for noncompliance would be the activation of the divorce document by the aggrieved spouse. That would result in the offending spouse losing custody of the children. Also, the aggrieved spouse would have sole ownership of the house. Those were the big penalties. All other assets were covered in the document, but they amounted to a pretty equal division between the parties. Also, both parties would contribute to a college fund for our daughters.

Either party can activate the divorce provision if the other party violates the "open marriage" agreement. Also, both documents expire in six years. By then, both Marie and Terri would be on their own, most likely in college. At that point in time, the marriage partners will have to decide what the future holds for them.

Shelly advised us to have our attorney check the document.

"I have one more thing that I want you two to think about," said Shelly. "I perceive that neither of you is particularly happy with the 'open marriage' provision, and I understand that.

"When I talked to each of you and asked you to identify the one thing that meant everything to you when it came to fidelity in a marriage, it came down to one word. It was one word that you both identified. That word was 'loyalty.' You both picked the same word. You both picked 'loyalty.' That was amazing to me.

"The main reason that my staff and I chose the 'open marriage' strategy was because of your agreement on that one word. Now think about the implications of this agreement. You have permission to date anyone you want to with no penalty. It won't break your vow to 'forsake all others,' since that has been modified. You won't be breaking a vow to God or to each other. So, if you remain true to each other, it won't be because of a vow. If you remain true, it won't be because of a promise to God or even a promise to each other. It will be for one reason and one reason only, your loyalty to each other. After all, that's the thing that you both identified as the most important part of marriage fidelity. Now, here is your opportunity to prove it. Here is your opportunity to live it.

"Yes, this is your opportunity to prove to each other that from now on you will be loyal, not because you are forced to, but because you choose to."

We left Shelly's office after hugs all around and verbal encouragement from members of her staff. As we rode the elevator, Nancy made a valiant effort to hide her tears. I did the same. I don't think either of us was particularly happy, but we didn't have a better solution either.

On the way home, I told Nancy that I was going to have Thomas, our family attorney, look at the document. "He is a good attorney and a good friend to both of us. He knows us very well and he will make sure that everything is on the up-and-up."

"I really hate for Tom and Mary to know about my affair, Ron. I would be so humiliated."

I didn't answer right away. We just sat there for a few minutes. Finally, Nancy said, "After the humiliation that our daughters wrote about and the amount that you must be feeling, why am I worried about myself? Of course, we should have Tom take a look at the documents. I completely agree, Ron."

Tom was obviously shaken when he heard about Nancy's affair. He reluctantly agreed to examine the documents for us. He did make a few changes, but the overall provisions of the documents remained unchanged.

The day that the documents had been signed, approved all-around and took effect, I sat in my office chair and pondered the ramifications, once again. My goal, as previously stated, had been for "forgiveness with retribution." I think I also wanted to embrace a position that was somewhere between being a wimp and being vindictive. Had I reached my goals?

I looked at the dictionary definition of forgive. It said:

to grant pardon for or remission

to cancel an indebtedness or liability

to cease to feel resentment against

I still felt resentment, but perhaps I should work on the forgiveness part. I think I have done pretty well on the retribution part. After I had Sam send that untraceable email to her boss, she had lost her job. She had been humiliated and lost a lot of friends. She had returned to the small company where she had started her career. Sure, she was a part-owner now, but her compensation would probably be less than half of what she had been getting at the studio. Any way you judge it, career-wise, she had moved backwards.

Also, what about all of the nights that I woke up and heard her crying softly. How about the times that I saw her with red eyes that she attempted to hide from me? How about the fact that our daughters were cool to her, at best? How about the night that she had timidly tried to start something in bed and I had unceremoniously rebuffed her attempt?

There is no doubt that she is suffering in multiple ways. I think there has been retribution enough. She is still my wife and the mother of my children. Regardless of her shameful actions, I take no pleasure in her suffering and it is obvious that she regrets mine.

We were just bumping along and neither of us liked it. One evening, after the kids were in bed, she asked me if I was going to schedule some dates. She said that she thought that I needed some revenge. She was afraid that we would never get back to normal until I got even.

"I don't think that's the answer, Nancy. Right now, I have only one acquaintance that I would have any interest in dating."

"Really? Do I know her?"

"Yes, you sure do."

"Would you tell me who it is? I would really like to know who it is that appeals to you. I really would."

"You won't like it and I doubt very much that she would agree to go out with me anyway."

"Tell me. I need to know what kind of woman you would want to date."

"Ok, you asked for it. It would be Francine."

"My older sister? Oh, my god. You have a crush on my sister?"

"Sorry, but you asked. She has always been a big sister to you and is very protective. There is no way she would agree to go out with me. I know that, but she would be my choice. I think I have always had a little bit of a crush on her, but I'm sure that she doesn't reciprocate."

"You are, are you? Do you know what she told me that night when I was in the hospital with the breakdown or panic attack or whatever it was?"

"No. She did commensurate with me some, but she was mostly concerned about you, Nancy."

"Well, Ron, she read me the riot act!"

She told me that as best she remembered, it went something like, "Nancy, how far up your ass was your head? How could you ever do anything like that to Ron? I don't fuckin' believe it. What did he do or not do that drove you have an affair?"

"Nothing, Fran. Absolutely nothing at all. That's why I'm here having a breakdown. I did this for no reason. I had it all, Fran, and now I have lost it all. That's why I'm here. I can't bring myself to look at him. I can't handle the hurt in his eyes. "