All Comments on 'Free Use Ch. 05: Lease Day'

This was a well plotted story with a nice sprinkling of original subject matter. My only criticism would be the rather confusing switch from what seemed like an all-seeing narrator, to the thoughts and viewpoints of the gent and his girls. It would be best to stick with one voice whenever possible. But all in all, it was well crafted erotica. Well done !

Your POV changed from the girl, to the boss, to the buyer in the span of about 4 sentences!

You really need to get a handle on who is narrating your story!

You need to stick to a perspective. Don't use a 'you' and an 'I' perspective. Never use a you for a typical narritive. Your writing style is fine otherwise but the perspective makes it so difficult to track and read.

Interesting story premise. I had difficulty trying to figure out what character was speaking. I think the at least some of the confusion was caused by more than one character speaking in the first person (viz., "I"). And then came a "you" designation, but who was speaking and to which character. Almost always, from the beginning the story line establishes which character is speaking and then that remains a constant throughout the narrative. Jumping around makes for headaches.