Friend Request Accepted

"I need to sit down."

"Alright."

We walked to the kitchen and sat down. Tears were running down her face. She wasn't sobbing, but the tears were flowing steadily. Her face had regained color-she wasn't pale anymore. But, her face was flushed.

"You're right. You're right about everything you said." She was subdued of voice, but I could detect the tension in her bearing, her shoulders started rumoring. I was weird to see this reaction. I felt the heat in my face melting away-I wasn't even aware that it was there until it started to abate. Then, I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I felt...relief?

"What do you want to know?"

"Were you with him Thursday night?"

"How do you.........yes, I was."

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"C'mon, Julie. You were doing so well. Don't play dumb now."

"I don't mean to. It's just that...it's a hard question to answer."

"So explain it."

She looked around furtively, her face getting redder. Her hands fiddled.

"I deserve to know, Julie."

She sighed, she slumped, and her hands shook.

"I've been sleeping with him for four months. We've been, I don't know, 'involved,' I suppose for several months before that....maybe almost a year."

"A YEAR?!?" I shouted, louder than I expected.

Julie jumped, looked scared, eyes wide.

She was struck dumb.

I took a few deep breaths.

"Julie, I'm not going to hurt you. Physically. You have to know I wouldn't do that. It just took me by surprise. So, what are we talking about? Who is he, anyway?"

"His name is John. He's 39. He's owns...well, he's an entrepreneur. He owns a bar and restaurant now, and has a vending business. He's not married-never has been. He does have a son-he's 14, lives with his mother, but John has him sometimes...."

"How did this happen?"

"I was at a dinner with a couple of clients a little over a year ago. It was his restaurant-a little low-brow for a business dinner, but the client had been there before and loved the lasagna-wanted to go back for more. John came over to greet us personally. We talked. I don't know, he's good looking, he gave me a look, and I returned it....I don't know...I don't know..."

"So that's it, he hits on a married woman and gives her a look and she falls gaga over him, just like that?"

"No, not just like that. I mean, there was a spark, but no overt flirting or anything-I was with a client. But, I did feel chemistry. Anyway, nothing came of it, at the time. But, I was out for a girls' night out a month or so later, and I ran into him at the dance club we were at. Purely coincidental. We chatted, he bought me a drink. He asked me to dance, and I did....and I don't know. I liked it. Okay?"

"No. Not okay. But I get it. Why did it take you so long to start fucking?"

She started at that, and then checked herself. She at least knew she was wrong.

"We didn't do anything wrong that night. But, I gave him my name again, and told him I was on Facebook. He friend requested me, and I accepted. After that, he would send me a little private note once in a while-nothing inappropriate, but a friendly little note, or mentioning that his restaurant/bar was having an event or whatever. One day, when you were out of town on business, I messaged him back and said that I was interested in the band that was playing at his bar that Friday night. I invited me to come early and have dinner with him. I accepted."

"And so it continued. And a couple months later you were hopping into the sack with him."

"It wasn't like that, William. But, I did start talking to him, occasionally getting together with him. Just to talk, for months. I developed feelings for him. I felt like we were in this rut...I don't know. You were gone a lot, I was stuck at home. I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses but..."

"That's exactly what it is, Julie. But I understand. I felt it, too. We were drifting apart. A little at first. But, a lot more once you started fucking him. It fits the time-line I was piecing together in my head about us. So, why?"

"I don't really know, William, and that's the truth. At first, despite my attraction, I thought it was a friendship. But, the attraction became greater."

"You turned to him instead of to me. He became your confidant. Your sounding board. You shut me out."

"I suppose I did. And I was wrong. But, you weren't exactly pushing your way back into my life, either. You were going through the motions to some extent, too."

" That's probably true, Julie. But I didn't go looking to replace you. I didn't recognize the problem until it was too late, I guess. I never cheated on you. And, when the hell did it become my job to keep you from turning to other men?!?" I was mad. "A marriage is built on trust, Julie. A husband can't spend his life worrying that his wife might drift off to some other man. If you were drifting away, you owed it to me, to US, to try and pull us back together instead of latching on to someone new. Whether you call it friendship or whatever, when you started looking to another man for your comfort, support, whatever, long before it got sexual, you were betraying us. Don't you see that?"

A long pause.

"Yes, I see it. I didn't at first. Or maybe I realized it at some level, but couldn't admit it to myself. But, when I saw how deeply involved I was with John, I guess the feelings were too strong, the attraction was too strong to pull away."

"So...why did it get to where it was?"

"I care about him, William. It's wrong, I guess, but I do. I feel like I'm torn in two. I love you still, William. But, I feel like I love him, too."

"I can't be satisfied sharing your love, Julie. Maybe John can, but I can't. Your love and fidelity are by right of marriage supposed to be reserved for me. You broke your marriage promises, Julie. It's clear that I can't trust you."

"I know, William. God help me, I know. And, I'm sorry."

"Me too, Julie. Me too."

I got myself a cup of coffee. I guess it was a three coffee morning (well, early afternoon, but whatever).

Julie went to the bathroom. She came back looking a little more composed.

"So what now, William?"

"What do you want, Julie?"

"I don't know....I want to be with you. I want to work on our marriage. I want us to be like we were, only better. I want to go back in time, before all this....I want a do-over."

"Julie, you don't get a do-over. I realized that our marriage had problems. Before I found out for sure you were cheating on me, I know there were problems. A lot of things would have to change for us to make things right. This affair makes it just not worth it. I'm not sure our marriage is worth saving."

"Don't say that, William. I love you. I know you love me. Don't you think we owe it to our marriage, to each other, to try?"

"Julie, I believe you love me, at least as much as a cheating wife can love her husband." She winced at that. "And, I love you. I really do. But, you definitely killed some of that love." Her tears started again. But, our marriage was never really a marriage of equals-you always ran things-and I think your respect for me diminished because of it. It was a sick marriage. Maybe it could be made well again, but your affair makes that a lot harder, and a lot less likely. I don't know that I could ever get over the blatant disrespect of you cheating on me for such a long time with another man. Actually, I know that I couldn't. It would poison us eventually, no matter how motivated I was to save 'us.' And, if I'm being totally honest with myself and you, I'm just not that motivated."

"But what about our plans? What about our family?"

"What family, Julie? We don't have kids. If we did? Maybe I would try. But we don't. We're both still young; I can find someone else and have kids. You can, too. Maybe this John is the guy you should be with. Seems unlikely, as he is almost 40, has never been married, and is perfectly willing to seduce and engage in an affair with a married woman, but who knows? Anyway, your affair tells me that you really aren't committed to me or this marriage. It wasn't a one-time thing, or even a few weeks of madness-it was months. And, almost worse, it was emotional-you admit that you had, or have, feelings for this guy. You carried on an emotional affair with him for almost a year; you brought him in and shut me out."

"William, you have to believe me: I never was with him when you were home-it was only when you were out of town that we...that I..."

"Julie, it doesn't matter. And, I don't have to believe you. You've been lying to me, or lying to me by omission, for almost a year now. And, even if you didn't have sex with him when I was in town, you still have your little messages with him, you still thought about him when I was around, you still deprioritized our relationship, sexual and otherwise, even when I was in town. I'm sure you confided in him your dissatisfaction with me to him, that's a betrayal, too. You withheld your concerns about me, and us, and our marriage from me and shared them with another man. That all adds up to you shutting me out, in favor of him. There is something very wrong with you, or us, that you would do that, that you could do that, for so long."

"I...I don't know what to say."

"What is there to say, Julie? Maybe the clincher is that I know this wasn't a purely sexual affair. I mean, I get that he is probably better looking than I am, and probably has more money, too."

"None of that mattered to me, William."

"I know, and that makes it worse, to be honest. If you were just a selfish bitch who truly loved me but wanted a magnificent lover with a baby's arm for a cock, I might even have hope that you could get over that selfish fixation and recommit yourself to our marriage. Or, maybe I couldn't, but whatever. The point is, I know he isn't anything special in the sex department, but you did it anyway. Which means, the issue is really about you and me and our marriage, and maybe the feelings you have for this John asshole. You either really love him, on some level, or you really don't love me enough. Either way, it's not worth fighting for."

"I get it, William. I hope you'll reconsider, but I hear what you're saying."

I could see the question in her eyes.

"The reason I know about him sexually is that I spied on the two of you last night. I saw his body, I saw his cock, and I saw you fucking him. I saw your face. His cock is nothing special. He's in decent shape, but I know you like my body better-I know your tastes. And, I saw he didn't last long, despite you having had sex the night before. And, I saw that you didn't climax. Believe me, Julie, I know how to get you off, and I can tell when you do and when you don't. Whatever you are getting out of sleeping with Johnny-boy, I know it's not pure physical pleasure."

"You're right. It never was about the sex. It all just led to the sex. After it started, I couldn't very well withhold it, I guess."

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm not in the cheating business anymore, so I don't know how it works."

"So, how are we going to do this?"

"Well Julie, I'm going to have a lawyer draw up a petition for divorce. I'm not really interested in screwing you over. We've got a nice little nest-egg built up. Our 401(k)'s are about equal-we might as well each keep our own. We'll each keep our own cars. We'll split our other investments and savings, and all that. The house is in your name, but, except for your dad paying our down payment, I've contributed just as much as you have. I propose we get it appraised, and you pay me half of the equity in the house, less the down payment. You can keep the furniture, I keep the boat. Maybe that settlement is a little in my favor, but I figure I'm the wronged party, so I should get a little something extra, don't you?"

She nodded yes.

"And, I will tell my family and anyone who is close to me that we are divorcing for infidelity on your part. You don't have to tell everyone that, you don't even have to tell anyone why we are divorcing, but don't fucking lie about it-the reason is your infidelity. Agreed?"

She nodded yes.

"And, in case you change your mind about that, just know that I have pictures of you and Johnny-boy fucking-you're faces are really clear, and I will show them to anyone who you lie to about it. Got it?"

She looked at me with wide eyes at that.

More gently, I continued, "Just to be clear, I don't want to hurt you any more than necessary, but I will protect my good name. Just don't fucking lie and no one will ever see the photos, okay?"

"Okay."

With that, I packed a couple of bags.

"William, I really do love you, or at least I did. No, I DO. I'm sorry. I'm just...so sorry."

"Julie, I love you, too. You fucked up. Maybe I did, too." A smile cracked. "Well, not as bad as you fucked up, but a little, I guess." A pause. "Julie, I hope you learn your lesson. I really do. You've got a lot to offer the right guy if you can get your head on straight. Good luck, Julie."

"Goodbye, William."

"Goodbye, Julie."

Later that night, after I had called my parents and sisters, I sat down at my laptop and opened Facebook. I was only interested in one thing. And there it was: "Friend Request Accepted."