All Comments on 'Genie: A Love Story'

The story itself is decent so far, but the errors are really distracting. Also, a little more background might be helpful. I get starting with action and filling in details later, but it would be nice to have at least a few more hints before the cliffhanger. I will be watching for the next installment, and hoping the comments help.

With the length of the story and the amount of stuff that happens to him in it, this guy feels like the most unlucky bastard ever. i'd suggest adding in more fill.

I think that this was a really good first effort for a new writer. It seems like you have a good plot in mind, but your story just needs to be developed more.

Try slowing down and painting your reader a picture. Details are very important, so don't be afraid to add a little more to help us see the story as it is in your mind.

My english professors always told use to show, not tell. Don't tell me what your character is doing. Instead, show me with your details.

What does he look like? where was he going? Why was he out so late? What happened with the attack? What does the hospital room look like? What does the nurse look like? What is he thinking when he finds out that he has lost two years of his life? What do they do in preparation for his discharge? How long has he known the sensei(sp)? What does the dojo look like?

The most important recommendation I have would be to find an editor. There were a very large amount of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes in your piece that spell check will not catch. Check out the volunteer editor program- there are some great editors there who will take time with you to make your story the best that it can be.

Sorry if this seems like a huge run-on sentence or comes out as a single paragraph. My BB doesn't handle posting well

The typos are distracting, the story is good. Outside help on the typos would probably be helpful. A good editor would help with this, it is almost impossible to spot typos and spelling/word choice errors in your own work after the first pass or two as you tend to read what you intended to write rather than what you actually typed.

I personally will keep reading without the outside editing but such things as

"in voluntarily" instead of "involuntarily" do cause a glitch in reading.

Keep up the good work.

But a good start. If you would like an editor I would be happy to help.

You have started with some interesting elements, but you need to either slow your pace, flesh out your story. This felt like a run-on sentence streteched to full page.

Unlike some of the other comments, which make a point worth keeping in mind, I think you have the bones of a good story. I agree that you have some typo issues, but if you treat this first chapter almost as an outline, you can flesh out the rest over time. I look forward to seeing you do just that.

at the risk of repeating what others have already said, you have an excellent story line here. our hero jumping up in a defensive crouch, ripping out iv lines isnt going to happen after a 2 year coma. muscles need physical therapy after such a long time of not moving. nor is he going to be checked out of the hospital in the same day. to tell you the truth, while i was reading this part, i was reminded of the movie hard to kill starring steven seagal. my opinion, but i thought it was an excellent way of recuperating after a coma. and he had a sexy nurse living with him!

like i said earlier, you have a great story line going here, just needs a bit more detail. ill be looking for the next chapters.

its definitely WAAAAYYYY to short, ESPECIALLY so if your only going to do release's every month or so, this length is like every week or few days short... if you are going to do it this short and rushed each month this is more of a story that I wait 2 years and then go back and read through since there's more to get then just bits and pieces (read: my true statement is ill bookmark it, have a pc crash/reformat, and never seek it out again to be forgotten in the annals of my browsing history)

on the flip side, to the length, it definitely did feel rushed, and by that I mean, who wakes from a coma and is allowed to go home the same day? (normally kept for observation), also didn't even get billed by the state/hospital since hes now awake and "fine"

it has good bones. it either needs some fleshing out or a longer chapter, as it felt rushed. i felt like i needed to remind you to breathe as you wrote. yes, some typos but nothing horrible. i'm interested to see where you go with this.

I will agree that there seems to be potential, though it's hard to tell considering how short it is. I agree it needs to be slowed down and fleshed out. What I would like to see is better grammer and fewer typos. Simple things like; a new paragraph each time someone new speaks would make it clearer who, exactly, is speaking. A lot of "where", when clearly what is intended is "were". Making the reader have to figure out what you really mean makes a story less pleasant to read. I can hardly wait to see what kind of genie you show us! :) I always like a good genie story. Good luck on you next installment.

“Thank you again Sensei”

bravo!

interesting start with lots of potential, but way too short!

If you need an editor, you should check out the list herein. If you have no luck, drop me a line and I'll be happy to help out.

There are many ways to write, but the first part is to actually write. You've taken that step. Some writers can just start writing, and the stories seem to go where they will. Other writers outline the story, a sentence or two about the main characters, and how it all should take place. If you want to write, do it. To write well takes practice. For example, the comments about the coma by other writers are well founded. However, if it fits within your vision, you can keep the events as is -- but you have to explain them to the reader. For example, when the kanji affected him, did he pass out? Or is he actually waking up from a dream? See?

You did ask for feedback. Most of what you've received has been good. Don't give up. And good luck.

more please

You really need an editor. Also there was no lead in to another chapter. Will there be more??

A+

Well it's way to short and looks like you've lost interest. an editor would do wonders if you ever continue