Goddess Ch. 02: Leaving Heaven Behind

"I don't know what to do."

The room was quiet. I waited for either of them to say something—anything—but the words never surfaced. I opened my eyes to see them staring at me. Jeff's mouth hung open, and they both looked...wounded. Their stare betrayed how disappointed they were in me—like they'd read in between every word I uttered, knowing exactly how debauched I'd behaved in Las Vegas. Humiliated, I clumsily swept up my things.

"I mean, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forget I said anything, it's no big deal, I'll be okay. I need to go."

I raced out of their room to the safety of my own. They didn't try to stop me.

I curled into bed fully dressed, reaching under my pillow for the talisman that helped me to remember that what had happened was real. I fell asleep clutching the golden mask that tethered me to Vegas and my beloved gladiators and the goddess inside of me.

For two weeks after my confession, it was glaringly obvious that Jeff and Mark were avoiding me. In Econ on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Jeff came late and sat in the back of the class, rather than up front with me like he usually did. The same could be said for Mark in Poli Sci on Mondays and Wednesdays. My life became very cold. I was as bereft without their friendship as I was rueful about leaving my gladiators asleep in Caesar's Palace.

My anguish came to a head after another Friday night passed without Mark or Jeff poking in to say hello. I was sitting at my desk, despondent, when the open door to my room swung in with unnecessary force. Michelle's bulky figure clouded my doorway.

"Contraband check!"

I groaned. There was no reason for this other than Michelle wanted to be a dick, and I had no patience for her dickery.

"You know the regulations! Stand at the door until the search is concluded!

Resistance was futile. I shuffled to the doorway, sure that Michelle was disappointed that there wasn't a crowd. I was a little surprised she hadn't waited until the hall wasn't empty. She rifled through the drawers of my desk and scrutinized the screen of my laptop, looking for evidence that I was selling drugs, or part of a human trafficking ring, or flicking the bean to child pornography. Any of those discoveries would have make her ecstatic.

She turned her attention to my dresser, and I tried to repress the anger I felt as she pawed through my panty drawer. I heard a noise in the stairwell behind me and turned to look, leaving Michelle unsupervised for mere seconds. When I turned back, she was turning from my bed, clutching my cherished mask in front of her.

"Put that back!"

I was disgusted that she had her hands on it, tainting it with her ugly pettiness. Her face lit up when she realized she had struck a nerve.

"This? You want this back under your pillow?"

Her eyes were wide with feigned innocence.

"Oh, this must be important. What's so important about this mask, Sara?"

Rage within my chest was barely contained. I spoke through gritted teeth.

"That's none of your goddamn business, Michelle. Now, Put. It. Back."

Her eyes glittered.

"Blasphemy? Tsk, tsk. I warned you about your language, Sara."

Before I could take another breath, she gripped the mask in both of her meaty hands and twisted. The brittle plastic shattered to pieces at my feet.

"YOU STUPID CUNT!" Tears welled in my eyes, spilling over as I dropped to my knees to gather pieces of my mask off of the floor.

"YOU STUPID, DISGUSTING, PATHETIC CUNT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

I was sobbing now, feeling like I'd lost my gladiators all over again. Michelle was red-faced with fury, huffing indignantly.

"That's it, Sara! I'm reporting you! I'll swear to the board that you're hiding...pills and...marijuana, and...bottles of vodka...and...and that I found cheat sheets for every one of your classes."

Knowing that a perk of her meager supervisory position was being believed absolutely in a case of she said/she said, her face became more placid. She sneered at me.

"I hope you'll like living in your car, because you'll be out of here before Monday."

"Why is that, exactly?"

Jeff's low voice appeared magically appeared above me, his and Mark's powerful bodies filling the doorway.

Michelle's eyes bugged out of her head, her face again crimson.

"She...she's violating dorm rules."

"Really?"

It was Mark now. Arms crossed, he stared her down.

"Because she has two witnesses that saw you do an 'inspection' without a second to verify, watched you break her private property, and heard you threaten her with false accusations. I'd say Sara's right, you're a stupid cunt. And, you're pretty fucked."

Michelle was seething, her flaring nostrils making her look more bovine than usual. She glared daggers at each of us in turn, her mouth twitching in a retort she couldn't conjure. She pushed past us all, purposely stepping hard on the remnants of my mask on her way out.

I cried out, my heart breaking along with the small fragments of my golden mask. I sat paralyzed on my knees, clutching the pieces that I had been able to retrieve close to my chest, completely unable to control my tears. Mark and Jeff crouched next to me and I was awash in humiliation, but I couldn't stop. Large hands fell on my shoulders and petted my long hair, and their gentle affections made me cry harder. Their attempts at comfort continued until at last I was able to calm down to a degree. I wasn't wracked with sobs anymore, but tears still streamed down my face. Mark grabbed a tissue off of my nightstand, and I mopped my nose, positively mortified that they were witness to my meltdown, but also relieved they were there at all.

Jeff's strong arm curled around my shoulder, and I melted into him while Mark grabbed another tissue. He tenderly wiped the tears off of my face while Jeff held me; their warmth so comforting. I leaned into his touch and he cupped my face in his hand. Jeff's voice was soft in my hair.

"What did she break?"

I could feel an ugly cry building in the back of my throat again. I just shook my head.

"Can we fix it? Can we replace it?"

Fresh tears rolled down my face, painting Mark's hand, but I was able to eke out a whisper.

"No."

"Are you sure? Can we see?"

I reluctantly unfolded my fist to reveal the largest remnant of my mutilated mask. An empty eyehole stared at me accusingly from the gold plastic, the bridge of the nose split along a ragged diagonal. They gawked at it, and we sat together in my doorway for what felt like a very long time.

Mark tilted my face to look at his, his voice low.

"This is important to you?"

I nodded, and Jeff tightened his grip around me. His own low voice was in my hair again, not much more than a breath.

"Why?"

I closed my eyes, softening further into Jeff's solid body and pressing my face into Mark's large, warm hand. I didn't want to talk about it with them again. I didn't want them to avoid me for another two weeks—or longer—but I had no choice. I couldn't lie about this, not now; my emotions were too raw. Despite the pressure in my head for truth, I wasn't sure how to articulate it.

"It made me a goddess."

So stupid! That would make no sense! I bit my lip, worrying it as I thought of what to say.

"I went to a party while I was in Vegas and I met..."

Achingly beautiful gladiators? The most amazing lovers on the planet? Men that were apparently the loves of my life?

"I had..."

How could I explain anything about masquerade night without them being more disappointed in me?

"Something special...but I left. I kept telling myself that 'what happens in Vegas' and all that...and I left."

I cleared my throat, trying to stop it from tightening up again.

"I left without any way of ever seeing them again, and I had no idea how stupid that was. I left them with my heart, and I can't go back and make the decision to stay that I should have made instead of walking away."

I only realized I'd disclosed the fact that I was lamenting multiple lovers after the words left my mouth. Too late to correct myself now, they'd just have to be disgusted with me. My voice cracked.

"This was all I had to remind me."

They held me quietly, and despite my breakdown, I felt soothed for the first time since I'd walked away from Caesar's Palace.

"Was that what you were talking about the other day?

I nodded. Mark's voice was close. I could feel his breath on the cheek not cradled in his hand.

Jeff spoke softly into my ear.

"Did you regret meeting them, or did you regret leaving them?"

"Both."

I sighed, sinking further into Jeff.

"If I'd have known how hard it would be to let go, I..."

"You what?"

Mark's voice was an insistent whisper. He must have been close enough to kiss me. I shook my head gently as a small smile creeped into the corners of my mouth.

"I was going to say I wouldn't have done the things that I did, but that's not true. I had the best night of my life,"

I curled the mask remnant back to my heart.

"I only regret that I waited too long to take this off."

Mark let go of my face as Jeff's arm around my shoulder lifted me slightly. His other slipped behind my knees to sweep me off of my feet. I looked into the deep oceans that were Jeff's eyes, and he gazed back, searching my face.

"We have something to show you."