Going Home Again

"Mariah, I'm not really ready to talk about this. You know?"

She got that haunted look on her face and I noticed her eyes were sort of...different. They had been alive and pleasant when we were together. Now there were empty and sad looking, despite her smile. "John, please," she said, "Please let me say this. It's been tearing me up inside since you left. You had and still have every right to be upset. I wish I could go back and change things, decisions I made." Her voice had a somber, sincere tone. Of course, how could I trust that, considering her unfaithfulness? "I really, really am sorry. If there's ever anything I can do for you, any way to make amends, don't be afraid to say so."

I looked at her left hand and saw no ring, but then what should I have expected? "So," I said, changing the subject again as I tried not to look at her cleavage, "what have you been doing with yourself?"

"Oh, working. I work for a business consulting firm downtown as a financial analyst. I'm the head of the division, in fact." I was not surprised. Mariah was always highly motivated. When she decided she wanted something she was relentless and usually got it.

That particular thought made me feel very nervous, all of a sudden. I responded with, "I see. Well, we both always knew you would go far."

We ended up spending a couple of hours chatting. It felt natural and I found myself guiltily enjoying spending time with the woman who had betrayed me. I was also surprised to notice that I didn't feel any hostility toward her for it. I guess what they say about time is true. Finally she brought the topic around to the danger zone. "So," she asked, "is there a special woman in your life?"

"There sure is," I enthusiastically responded. Her expression sagged when I said it. "She's really happy to have me back home, too. You know she kept my room exactly the way I left it."

Mariah went from visibly despaired to quizzically confused, then to absolutely relieved in the space of a few seconds as she realized I was talking about my mom. She gave me a glare and said, "Don't do that!"

"Do what," I asked innocently?

"I thought..." she paused and looked down, trying to hide her blush behind her mug. She looked very cute. Damn it! I wasn't supposed to notice those kinds of things. I was mad at her! Really!

"Well, you thought what?"

"That you..." She whacked me on the shoulder with her fist. Not too gently either. I rubbed my shoulder and said, "Ow."

"Don't scare me like that!"

"Well, it sounds like you missed me," I said.

I watched her blush deepen, her face turning a most amazing shade of red. She looked back up at me with a soulful, heart wrenching look and exhaled, "I did miss you. I missed you more than you could ever imagine."

Well, that sure changed the mood. We had one of those long, uncomfortable silences. I hate those! Finally she broke it by pleading, "I want you back, John. Please, just give me one chance? I promise you won't regret it. One chance?"

God, I missed her! Her offer was tempting, so very tempting. The memory of her infidelity was still strong, however. Likely it would never fade away. I think she could read my momentary indecision because she pressed the attack. "What will it take to get one chance, John?" I could imagine her saying, "name your price." This was Mariah, all right. Tenacious as a pit bull.

I sighed and replied, "Mariah, I just don't know if it's such a good idea. I don't know if I could handle it." The moment I said it I knew it was a mistake. I had been less than decisive which, to a business woman like her, meant she could still win if she pressed. When I saw that predatory smile I knew I was in trouble. A shark would have backed off from that smile.

"One date, dinner and a walk through Stanley Park. Also, I get to escort you home." She said it just like the opening bid in a contract negotiation.

"Mariah..."

"You can pick the restaurant." It was hopeless and I knew it. I did want to see her again. A lot of time had passed after all and I had missed her. Plus she was going to pester and harass me until I gave in, so I did. Why prolong the agony? I dragged it out and made her work for it, but in the end she got what she wanted, just like always.

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Mariah's tale

I was NOT going to screw this up! This was it, my one shot at redemption. I either play it perfectly or I lose. It was all or nothing with no margin for error. I was giggling like a schoolgirl as I got ready for our date and I was nervous as...as...I was just bloody nervous, all right?

I was going to be charming and humble and make tonight all about him. He had chosen The Prow for dinner. Ouch! THE most expensive fine dining establishment in all of British Columbia. Heck, maybe even in all of Canada! This was going to be an expensive night. Well, I guess he had earned the right to this little revenge. Besides, I could afford it and it meant he would wear a tux. John looked great in a tux.

I got my hair done and my nails manicured and painted, bought a new dress, a simple but elegant purple number that hugged my curves and had a slit up one leg, all just for this one night. I splurged and used our date as an excuse to buy new shoes too. I had seen the perfect black pumps that not only would look great with the dress, but also would go with so many other things in my closet. I finished the look with the silver earrings he had given me for our anniversary and the matching silver chain he gave me for my birthday the same year. The necklace would draw his eyes to my chest, at least I hoped. He was being given no mercy tonight! I didn't want any lines marring my carefully planned look, so I went braless and wore a thong. I checked myself out in the mirror and had to admit, I looked great!

I got in my car and drove to his parents' house and rung the bell. His mom answered the door and said, "Hello, Mariah," in an icy tone. "It's been a long time."

"Yes it has." My nervousness level shot through the roof. Well, it was early yet, so his dad shouldn't be home. That was a relief. That man could face down corporate CEOs and make them cry. I bet generals deferred to his quiet authority!

"Well, come in. John's not quite ready yet. He got home a little late today. Apparently there was a little problem with his tux."

She escorted me into the living room where John's father was sitting, reading the newspaper. Damn it! If I was nervous before I was terrified now. You have to understand. I am a business woman. I am cold and heartless when it comes to my job because that is what it requires. There's not a single business person I am intimidated by. John's family, however...if you mess with one you mess with them all! I know because I had been a part of that family. The one thing you do not want to do is break their trust. Likely you'll never get it back!

"So," said Mrs. Campbell, "what are your plans with my son?" The question was very double meaning. She veiled her warning in an innocent sounding inquiry as to our evening plans.

"I'm taking him to The Prow, then for a walk in Stanley Park." I was just a little relieved to see the look on her face when I told her where we were going. Her eyes raised just a hair. Score! Mrs. Campbell approved of the restaurant. Mr. Campbell, however, seemed unimpressed. He didn't say anything, he just watched as his wife grilled me.

"Well, that sounds nice," said John's mom. Then she unleashed the Motherly Glare of Doom! "I remember what John was like when he left you. I don't ever want to see him like that again. Cause him any pain and I promise you I will make it my mission in life to see to it you live out the rest of your days in abject misery!"

Well, that was subtle! Well, she had laid her cards on the table; I might as well do the same. "I have no intention of ever hurting your son the way I did again. I am just so grateful for this one undeserved chance he has given me." She stared at me and I was glad she didn't try to throttle me right there.

"Well, then," she said pleasantly, her demeanor instantly changing, "I'll go let John know you're here." She went up the stairs, leaving me alone with Mr. Campbell. My nerves got worse.

Mr. Campbell looked at me and asked in his quiet voice, "Got it all out of your system?" I swallowed and nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. This was the make or break moment regarding John's parents. His mom was fire, his father ice. Mrs. Campbell could rage and nurse a grudge, but if the patriarch of the family approved then she would keep quiet and accept it.

"Good," he said in response, "then you two have a good time tonight." The relief I felt was so strong I nearly buckled! John's dad had said it was okay! I exhaled a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and sat down on the couch.

A few minutes later John came down the stairs. The sight of him in his tux and with that warm, enchanting smile took my breath away. He was perfect! I wished I had a camera with me.

"Hi, Mar," he said. Mar, not Mariah. His use of the shortened, less formal version of my name was a good sign, wasn't it?

"Hi John," I breathed. It was all I could do to keep myself from rushing up to him and holding him against me while I smothered him with kisses! I restrained myself and merely smiled back. This was his night and he would set the tone and pace. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah."

A little while later we arrived at The Prow. The valet took the keys from me and went to park my car as we went inside. We were seated by the window, as per my request, and enjoyed the view of the waterfront. The sun was starting to set and the sky's slight overcast made the view spectacular. The food was fabulous, a real culinary treat, but everything paled in comparison to the company I was with. I was so tempted to just crawl under the table and give him the most incredible head of his life, but managed to resist the impulse. Patience was the key. I would give John as much time as he needed to get comfortable with me again.

After the meal and accompanying small talk was finished (over $300.00 later!) we got my car and drove to Stanley Park. I parked the car and we went for nice walk. The night had become cloudy and the view of the moon was blocked, but I didn't care. I was with John!

"I've been having a wonderful night," I told him. I shivered a little in the cool night air and he took off his tuxedo jacket and put it over my shoulders. The next shiver had nothing to do with being cold!

"This tux is pretty stuffy, so I don't really need the jacket." It was just like him to cover up a gallant gesture with a, "no big deal."

"Thank you," I replied, "you are such a gentleman."

"Just doing what anyone would do." I felt a little of the tension between us fade. I took his arm in mine as we walked along the Lost Lagoon. He stiffened a little, but did not take his arm away. I was grateful for that. If he had I probably would have cried.

We returned to the Seawall and looked across the water at the lights of the city as we walked back to my car. I unlocked his door and opened it for him, then turned around to move to the other side and there he was. I almost bumped into him, but was stopped when his expressive eyes met mine. I was paralyzed and could not tear my gaze away.

I could see the fear and caution in them warring with his compassion and desire. That look in his eyes drew me to him and I pursed my lips. I could hear my heart beating in my ears, feel it pounding in my chest. Everything was on the line right now...I had put myself in a vulnerable position. Oh, how I hoped my gamble would pay off.

I tip toed up and pressed my lips against his. He was stiff and did not kiss back, but I held it, then lightly held him. After many horribly frightening moments of indecision his lips softened and his hands went around to the small of my back. Yes! I had a chance!

Old emotions rushed through me in a heady wave as I leaned into him. Our lips opened, but neither of us moved our tongues across to the others. I felt that old warmth joining with new feelings of trepidation and desire and I reveled in it!

When the kiss finally broke (far too soon!) he had a nervous looking smile on his face. I hoped to god that he wanted me back, but I could see he still had reservations.

"Uh, I'm not sure what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I replied. I stepped aside and gestured for him to get in the car. He did so and I went around to the driver's side and started it up. "Want me to take you home?" I wanted him to stay with me for a while, but I had achieved enough tonight. There was no need to push it, even if I did really want to.

"Not really." Yes! Another small victory! He looked at me as the car warmed up and said, "I'm scared, mar."

"You don't have to be afraid of me." I understood completely why he would be frightened. He should be afraid. It still hurt to hear it though. I realized that he might never completely trust me again, but I could live with that as long as I was given the chance. Never again would I allow myself to make a choice that would hurt him so deeply again. I just wished he knew that. I smiled softly at him and wished my heart would stop racing. Oh, please don't reject me!

John looked at his feet as I drove nowhere in particular. He didn't look up as he asked me, "Mar, what is it you want with me? It's pretty obvious you want something from me, but if it's what I think it is, I just can't. I can't let this happen again. It was too painful the first time."

Nooooo! I was ready to beg and plead for another chance! My eyes were welling up and I had to pull over or risk crashing. I turned the engine off and just sit there for a few moments, trying to get my tears under control. It was a useless effort!

"John, I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you before," I stuttered out between sobs. "It was reprehensible and I am so sorry. Sorry for hurting you like that! Knowing how badly I hurt you was almost the worst torture I've ever experienced. The only thing worse was losing you. I don't ever want either one to happen again! I can understand if you don't want to ever talk to me again. I don't deserve another chance, but I WANT it! I want it more than anything. If you give me the chance there's nothing I will not do for you! Nothing! I'll do anything to make amends. Please can you give me another chance? Please?"

I don't think I took a breath throughout that entire humiliating monologue. I hated begging like that. Truth or not, it made me feel vulnerable and I detest feeling vulnerable! I had laid it all on the line and now I was at his mercy. I must have had the neediest, most pleading look on my face. He was quiet for what felt like hours. Finally he spoke up.

"I'm scared, Mar. You know, I haven't really dated anyone since that night. I mean, I've gone out on the occasional date, but I've never tried to forge a real bond. I couldn't risk it. You did that to me, Mar! Do you know what it's like to love someone more than you think is possible and be unable to bear the thought of her, yet at the same time can't stop thinking about her?"

"I've thought of you and missed you every hour of every day, so I guess I know what half of it's like." He was still talking to me, which was good, but I had hoped for so much more. I had hoped he would be kissing me by now. I always did set my goals high. "John, I will never betray you again. Your mother is too scary to risk it."

The car was dead silent and John had this twisted look of confusion on his face and he blinked, his expression silently asking, "What the fuck?" Then he started to laugh, a deep, unrestrained and sincere laugh! It was music! It was contagious! I started to laugh too, even as the tears flowed.

"You know, Mom did say that if you upset me tonight she was going to flay you alive. Did she say that to you when you got to the house?"

"Well, not in so many words."

"You sure have guts. I wouldn't want to be in Mom's bad book. You know, she can really hold a grudge."

"I would risk 10 of your mom. You're worth it." And he was.

I risked putting my hand on his knee. I needed to feel some kind of physical connection to him. It felt warm in my hand and it was so hard not to run my hand up his leg. He didn't move my hand away either. Yes! Another battle won in the war to win him back!

I looked up again and there were his lovely, long lashed eyes. I loved his eyes. Could spend an entire day doing nothing but gazing into them, losing myself in their depths. They drew me toward him and before either of us knew it we were making out in my car on the side of the road like teenagers! His hands were on my back and shoulder; mine were possessively around the back of his neck. Our moist, soft lips mashed together and our tongues dueled passionately. It was hot! It was magic...OLD magic!

After a few minutes we reluctantly broke away and I urgently started the car. Neither one of us said a word. The level of tension continued to rise, but this was a good tension, the kind that when it breaks there are fireworks. I drove to my place. I didn't ask him if he wanted to come with me, I just took him there. We rushed u to and into my apartment, every moment it took to get there agonizing.

All my lusty encounters flashed before my eyes, like one's life does as they die. Not a single one of them was worth the 5 years he had been out of my life. I had literally fucked up, but I had learned a lot in the four years I spent on my back about how to please my partner. I was going to make sure John got the one benefit possible out of that tonight...and any other night in which he'd let me!

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John's tale

I wasn't sure what Mariah had planned for the night, but I never expected to end up at her apartment. I figured on a nice, expensive meal at a place I would never be able to afford to go, some closure and a somewhat amicable parting at the end of the night. There was only one problem that kept that scenario from playing out: she looked hot!

Oh, plus I remembered all the good times we shared as we walked along the Lost Lagoon and those little details about her that had made her special and I had always loved about her. But mostly she looked hot! Ravishing even. It blew the painful memories out of my head for a while. The sudden lack of those memories allowed me to enjoy the meal, the walk, the company and the conversation.

Here was tension so think you could cut it with a knife when I realized I still loved her and I wanted her back. My emotions were conflicted, though, because I also remembered how she had betrayed me. How could I ever trust her again? I knew I could not handle a repeat of That Fateful Night! Did I mention she looked hot?

Her long, straight, dark brown hair framed her lovely face and her purple dress hugged her form like it was skin. I noticed she had the earrings I had given her on again as well as the necklace I had given her that same year. I still couldn't believe she had kept them.

Something about how she spoke and the way she presented herself made me want to believe her. She looked vulnerable and she NEVER allowed herself to look vulnerable. The fact that she had exposed herself like that spoke volumes.

Then she kissed me. That was the moment where it was all over. I had lost. Oh, I made her fight for it, but that battle was over. We ended up driving silently to her place and rushed toward her bedroom, but we never quite made it there. Her couch was so much closer and my need was urgent. I roughly pushed her over the side of it and struggled to free myself of my cumber bund, suspenders, pants and underwear. Mariah pulled up her dress over her hips and yanked down her thong. When had she started wearing thongs? Why did I care? It was out of the way and that was the important thing. She was bent over the armrest of her couch, her shapely rear pointed upward and I was ready to give her my all!