All Comments on 'Happy Birthday Brian'

Your story was hot, but with the help of an editor it could easily have rated a 5. Just too many gramatical errors which wrecked the flow.

This could have been good if you had edited the

crap out of it. Observations and descriptions please..

Other then mentioning the mother having big tits and

a shaved pussy its a blank. any reader has no idea

what she looks like.

Brian, Dan, Brain every other paragraph has you

screwing up the guys name.. Lots of things could

have been preemptively fixed had you not rushed

to click the submit button.

I agree this needs a bit of work, but don't get too down about it. Seems a lot of times the people who bitch the most have never written a story and fail to realize how hard it is to correct the various errors.

When you finish your draft, read it to yourself aloud, as written, to see if it makes sense. If you just read silently often the mind will auto-correct and you'll miss things.

I'd also like to add you spend a lot of time on foreplay and describing these sexy family members shaking their stuff, but when it comes down to the male character cumming, you tend to hurry right through that:

"... soon to release, Brian squirting cum into his mother's hot pussy."

Brian would have been fighting the urge to cum, trying to hold back the flood rising from his swollen balls, and then the sensation of orgasm igniting every nerve ending in his cock as his body and voice together screamed its powerful release.

It's the pinnacle of sex for a man, let him stand up there at least for a sentence or two to relish that exquisite feeling.

I thought this was a great story. Unlike some others, I do not get hung up on the little errors here and there. The important thing here is, you created a great image in my mind while the story was unfolding. Great work. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hi, Nice story line, unfortunately other character names sometimes appear, eg. "Dan pulled his shorts and boxers off quickly, his hard cock popping out and ready for anything."

Please don't take this as a negative comment ( it partly is ) but a reasonable editor could make the story flow in a better manner and a better rating would have been achieved.

Thanks

Len

Too many errors to cope with deciphering what was meant by the author (and I use that term loosely!)

It was with a growing sense of deja vu that I read the first paragraph. I quickly realized it wasn't simply because it was an unoriginal story, but that it was a copy-and-paste ripoff of a story posted a long while back. (A few years, minimum.)

I'd bet this person copied the original story, made a half-hearted and half-assed attempt to modify it SLIGHTLY, and then submitted it here.

I don't have the link to the original story, because frankly, it's not worth the time and effort to find it. If someone else cares enough, it's there somewhere. In the mean time, chalk this lame attempt at erotic up to yet another talentless plagiarist who's incapable of writing a story on their own.

The Brian/Dan mixup was confusing and I agree with MaternalyObsess that the characters needed to be described more. What color was the mom's hair, how big was his cock, what kind of body did his mom have, etc. If the story was a ripoff, then that explains a lot of the problems.

As many noted this story was rushed and it somehow didn't occur to me to do any sort of proof reading beyond spell check. I apologize, and will go back and fix the errors/improve the story when I get the chance. Thank you for the positive and negative comments.

We are getting too many writers apologizing for mediocre work. Take your time and do the job right. Write,proofread, and edit. It's not that hard.

Brian then Dan then Brian again....This piece of literary crap needs to be put out of its misery (actually our misery). No amount of editing could possibly save this junk. Don't quit your day job.

Wow, last poster was harsh! Lol! :)

...well it was a bit different, though it seems like it ended a bit short... It's begging for more back story from the girls on the whole thing. I didn't catch the name issue, but really wasn't paying that much attention to the names.

I did cringe, however, when the dude pulled out of his sisters ass and shoved it in his mom's pussy. That just nasty! I can't even begin to think of the health issues, lol. Yeah, its just a story but it drives to distraction since I'm thinking about it, heh.

...definitely like the birthday present though! :)

Defiantly erotic but may have been better if the mother was just pushing the siblings together without participating herself.

Are you a fan of strippers.