All Comments on 'Happy Valentine's, Baby Sister'

Awful lot of build up for so little. Not a terrible thing tho. I do hope there will be more. It has a lot of possibilities. Go for it!

DragonRider55

a bit of the dialogue is a little strange. I'm guessing you aren't a native english speaker. a few of the ones that stuck out to me:

"It's a joke, Andy, geez. It's just I'm only finished with the exams," should probably be "It's a joke, Andy, geez. I just finished with the exams,"

and

"Would you be cool with that? Could I crash at your place for a few of nights before I must go back?" would probably work better as

"Would you be cool with that? Could I crash at your place for a few nights before I go back?"

Relatively minor, but it sticks out when I say it in my head.

I liked the build up to the story. It’s good to get to know a bit about the characters. I prefer that to stories that just jump straight into the sex. I would have preferred more description around the sex though. It lacked a little eroticism for me because of that. Well written. I too noticed some stilted sentences (probably editing errors) but they didn’t really detract from the flow of the story. I would enjoy reading more. It seems well set up for some interesting possibilities.

I'm very thankful to have this story to be this kindly reviewed. I was under a lot of time constraints and was unable to edit at all, which explains some of the clunky dialogue I wrote (possibly drunk or at five in the morning).

The lack of sex was unfortunate. I merely ran out of time. Still I thank you for all the support.

There was nothing wrong with this. It wasn't your standard fuck story. Nice read.

Now they have done the deed we need to know where the relationship goes from here. Do they become a couple? Do the parents find out? what is their reaction if they do? Are they considering babies in the future?

Valentine's Day is still a week away. That's more than enough time to have someone do that thing that I'm not allowed to mention because you don't want anyone to talk about it. I only just gave you just only one only star.

Please do say what you think. If I consider it improper or just plain unrelated, I'm free to delete it like I did with the out-of-the-blue Lenin quote.

And yes, Valentine's day is only a week away but this story was intended for the Valentine's day contest which had the deadline of February 6. I stayed up the previous night just to have this story somewhat finished. Due to some confusion with time zones, I did submit this accidentally a whole 24h earlier than intended, thinking I had less than 10 minutes to spare. Since I was so close, I considered it better to submit it than wait til next year.

After a story is approved, it is difficult to make any changes, even less so if it's a contest entry I'd assume. If I'm to make any, I will make them once the contest is over.

Proof Reading but I see that you've already made an excuse why you didn't.

Next time, if it ain't ready, don't Post until it is.

… with VERY LITTLE payoff.

Sex needs much more detail

One problem. Why didn't she tell her brother she was coming?

More important, she comes to surprise him and then goes out with a friend. That is very rude and disappointing. Plus it seems like a date and her friend's brother was a real jerk.

Hope you add another chapter. Taking the love and sex to another level.

One more point, WAS SHE A VIRGIN? You should have spent more time on the making love and tender affection.

Hope you have another chapter another chapter

Until today I lived under the impression that writers post their stories here because it's a hobby of them. But your reason for rushing through the ending was your lack of time? That sounds like you had to deliver no matter what which is a pitty because it really looks like someone told you to finnish because dinner was ready. It's no criticism in quality because obviously you're a good writer if you got the time for it and maybe you'll write a second part. It's just the urgency that had me wondered.

(I didn't read your profile yet. If you explain it there see this post as irrelevant)

There was very little to criticize in your story, some stiff dialogue mostly, and that you have explained. I got a chuckle from brother 'whipping' the tears from sister's cheeks with his thumb - obviously a typo.

The thing is, in very short order you made me care about these two. The lack of a description of their lovemaking matters less to me than the fact that they did make love. The thing is, I would like to know more about them and where they are headed.

If you want this to be a stand alone story I can live with that, and I usually don't expect much from a sequel - in this case, however, I would like to read more. In either case, thank you.

Was there a reason why the brother and sister had different surnames? No sign of family breakup or an early marriage or anything there, so it was a bit jarring.

Different fathers. It doesn't come off in the story but maybe I will write a sequel to this.

Yes please a really nice sequel to this story would be exelent to read ax well. Loved this story

Why the stop. You cut off in the middle of the story, u would've got 5 stars otherwise. Please continue the story, it's not fair to the readers if you leave them there in middle storyline.

Great storyline, decent characters and build up but far too much build up for next to no action. Disappointed really, was expecting much more.

I realise that it's not an English essay, but the spelling and grammar were poor in places. It needs either spell checking or proof reading

I wish you would have filled in a great deal of time between V-Day and Christmas.

We needed College, moving in together, we needed more loving, his work and Karen.

Your writing is good, just needed more.

Has she moved in?

Is she taking classes?

The story could be AWESOME if you built in the time.

Loved the story line , great character build up , could be the start of a series

I gave you a 5 for effort. I'm still very new at this and trust me, some of my early efforts have plenty of mistakes as well. But I'm very forgiving of all that. I do wish the sex was more fleshed out, if even in a more romantic way as opposed to the typical porn style found here. Bit overall enjoyable characters and relationships I'd like to see more of.

Very good writing

I think its sucks, maybe you should stop writing stories,