Have Faith... Ch. 07

"Dad, she just got here, we can all go in..." Cassidy started to say, but her mother entering the room from the kitchen stopped her.

"She can stay, I don't care." Monica told them with some anger, but also resignation in her voice. "Besides I think she's part of the family now." She said sarcastically, looking directly at Barbra. Barbra looked back at her, at first lowering her eyes in shame, but something about how Monica looked at her almost challengingly, forced Barbra's eyes back up and they locked gazes for a few seconds, then it was Monica who looked away.

"Barbra, you should go." John said simply as he looked at Barbra.

"She can stay John!" Monica said in a raised voice, which startled all of them. Monica sat on the floor and looked over at the other woman again. "Besides, I think after you hear what I have to say, she might be the only person here who doesn't hate me." Monica said, starting to cry softly, and Cynthia moved, sitting next to her and started to hold her but Monica stopped her. "I'm ok Cindy." She sniffled as she spoke, and forced herself to stop crying.

"Monica, we can do this another time, we don't have to do it..." John started to say but Monica interrupted him.

"Yes I do...before I lose...lose what little guts I have left." She told him. "It's just so hard. I love you all so much...I never meant...meant to do what I did, any of it. I'm sorry." Monica cried out, her tears preventing her from talking for a few seconds. "It's just hard to start this..." She said, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

"Try not to interrupt...please, I won't be able...able to take much right now." She told them and the others all found spots on the floor near her, even Barbra, though she sat at the couch behind them. John just nodded at his wife and mouthed an 'ok' at her. Monica sighed again, trying to stop crying completely. After a minute she started talking. "It started when I used to work at Hadder's Accounting firm, which was the last real job I had, you remember. This was...maybe eight years ago?" Monica stated, her eyes closed as she remembered back. She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see her family while she told them.

"That was the year that you were so busy at work John...you were working double shifts and we never saw each other. I tried to get you to stop working so much...we argued a lot then, we did other things a lot less then before...a lot less." Monica said, her eyes still closed, but she was talking to him.

"I remember, the arguments...we stopped having sex, if that was what you meant, we..." John started to say.

"Yes! We didn't see each other...I got depressed and I started working more when I could." She continued, almost woodenly...she was fighting to not cry or stop. "All the time at work I would get...would get flirted with, hit on. I always turned them down and didn't worry about them, but it did excite me..." She told them.

"Monica you..." John started to say but she broke him off, loudly.

"Don't! Or I won't go on...I...can't do this forever...please don't." she said with her eyes still closed, tears streaming down her cheeks. He tightened his jaw and remained silent.

"It excited me! But I'd always come home and we would make love...but we didn't anymore, and I was lonely...one day, someone made a pass and...and I didn't...didn't turn him down...oh god! I ended up in a janitor's closet, with a man I didn't even like really and...and we had sex! I'm sorry John, I'm sorry!" She cried out as tears streamed from her closed eyes. John was angry, but his own eyes were rimmed with tears as were Cynthia's. She was feeling her mother's pain more than listening to her story. Barbra was the only truly disinterested party there and even though she felt sorry for the woman, she knew that wasn't the end...her gut told her this was only the beginning.

"Go on Monica." Barbra said quietly, and Monica nodded, still crying. John held his voice, not wanting to interrupt again even though he wanted to.

"At first I hated what I had done...I...I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't at first. And then we had a lot of arguments and we didn't talk at all, both mad at each other. The guy, David, kept hitting on me...I said no. But after knowing he could...have me, I guess he didn't stop. After two weeks I gave in again this time...this time we went to a hotel at lunch and...and didn't go back." Monica said as she cried harder. Cassidy started to look at her mother in disgust, even though she was trying not to judge her. John felt guilty, remembering that time period of their marriage, but he was angry at what his wife told them. Cynthia was crying fairly badly and at times not listening to her mother. Cassidy moved closer to her and held her.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry, god I'm sorry! But it gets worse, oh god!" Monica told them and opened her eyes to look at them, seeing the faces she had expected. But she left her eyes open, feeling that she should now endure their disgust at what she had to tell them. "David...he and I, continued to meet like that, whenever we could and...and I found out that he had started...oh god...started talking about me to others...men...at work. I...they all started...started hitting on me and...and I...didn't turn them down after awhile." Monica said as she sobbed, and the others were all stunned.

John was breathing hard and very pale, at the thought of her being with many men. Cynthia was sobbing worse than her mother and Cassidy was looking at her mother with disgust. Even Barbra was stunned at the admission, and she was appalled, but she was also a bit...envious? She couldn't describe the feeling, not sure if she wanted to. She wanted to hear the rest and saw that the others were too wrapped up to help Monica, so she got up and sat beside her and held her. Monica leaned on her and sobbed, not caring who was holding her up, just that someone was there. Barbra's presence goaded John into talking.

"Monica...how many?" John asked, feeling ill and trying not to vomit. Monica still sobbed against Barbra. "HOW MANY!" John shouted at her, and Monica jumped in Barbra's arms...all of them did in fact at John's shout.

"I don't know...I can't remember!" Monica said as she raised her own voice as she looked at him.

"Monica, how many?" John said in a cold voice, which promised violence if she didn't answer him. Barbra looked at him in astonishment.

"I don't know John...eight, nine...maybe ten." Monica told him as she cried, looking at him in some spark of anger after the way he talked to her. "I'm sorry." She said pitifully.

"Jesus Christ!" was all he could say as he looked away from her...he had too or he might get violent. "Is that it?" he growled out as he shook his head.

"No." Monica said meekly, and tried to stop sobbing to finish, before he lost his temper again. "I didn't mean for any of it to happen John I..." Monica started to say.

"Finish it!" he growled out, not looking at her. Cassidy and Cynthia looked afraid now; they had never seen their father like this. He saw their faces...their fear and it was like a splash of cold water. He sighed as Monica sobbed and glanced back at her. "Monica...finish it." He told her softly, drained of anger now, he sounded tired. Monica nodded, but it was a few minutes before she continued.

"I was the office slut...the office whore!" she started again and stopped and looked at her eldest daughter. "Cassidy I'm sorry I said that too you, I never meant it, I...I was just afraid...I didn't want you doing...I'm sorry." Monica told her, but had to look away from her daughter's face and her anger. "I'm sorry. But that doesn't change it. They used me like...garbage. They set up...orgies...for me and...oh god...the other women, knew...they knew, most of them anyway, and they, treated me like a whore, and I felt like one. During that time...I had...I had, two...two abortions." Monica sobbed quietly as she tried to talk. Cynthia after the last few minutes of what she heard, started gagging.

"Cindy come on get...Jesus!" Cassidy said as she quickly helped her sister up and into the kitchen before Cynthia started vomiting on the kitchen floor. Cassidy held her sister up as she heaved several times; vomiting up everything she had to eat that day, which thankfully wasn't much. Cassidy didn't look down, but held her sister's hair from her face as she was sick, and after she stopped, rubbed her back. John sighed as he stood in the living room, having gotten up seconds before when she started throwing up.

"Cassidy can you take her to the bathroom and clean her up, maybe put her in bed...I'll clean this up." He told his daughter as she took her sister out of the kitchen and through the parent's bedroom to the hall. John didn't look at his wife as he passed her, but did glance at Barbra as she held her. It took John about ten minutes to clean his daughter's throw up off the floor and rinse it enough for him to stop. He was doing some thinking near the end as he finished and was washing his hands at the sink; he knew he had to ask Monica something important, something about someone he now worked with.

"Monica, when you were...when this was going on, do you remember everyone you...you had sex with?" John asked her as calmly as he could. He saw Barbra look back at him.

"John...god...why do you want to know that? But yes...I do...I do remember." She said, and answered him, figuring he would yell if she didn't.

"Was Harry Blunt one of them...he was working at your firm at that time." He asked her. Harry was now working with John and they were golfing buddies...had been for years, ever since he worked at her old firm. She was silent for far too long and he knew, even before she did finally speak.

"Yes, he was." She said quietly.

"SON OF A BITCH!" John screamed out, standing at the sink, clenching his fists. "Monica...why didn't you tell me about him...he was my friend...I repeat...WAS!" John said to her and she cried softly.

"I broke it off with him the same time I did with the others John...I never let him touch me after I quit the firm. He still tried to get with me but I never let him!" Monica said as she cried.

"You still didn't answer me...why didn't you tell me about him, even if you didn't tell me about...everything." He asked her quietly, having moved closer to her.

"John, I couldn't...I couldn't." She muttered out as she sobbed again. Barbra looked at him and shook her head for him to stop.

"Shit!" he said loudly as he sat a half a dozen feet away from them. "If you have anything more to say Monica, finish it...the girls are going to be gone a while. I'll...I'll tell them later if they need to know anything." He told her, trying to get done with the whole affair so that he could take a bath or something...feel clean again. An affair he could have handled, but this...

"That was mostly it...One of the women there, took pity on me and actually talked too me. She convinced me to come with her to church with her, I did. I didn't go back for awhile, but I did go, and I started talking to Steve...Reverend Granger..." Monica said, but Barbra butted in.

"Steve...just Steve, will do." Barbra told her softly and Monica nodded.

"Steve helped, he listened to what I told you...he was sickened too, but he took me in and...I don't know I felt sort of whole again. But I see now that I was just running away before, and I guess I was just running away again at church. I don't know. I'm sorry John, I am. I know everything is my fault in some way or another, and I'm sorry I did this..." She muttered as she cried.

"Oh god dammit Monica, shut up! Please just stop the damn 'sorrys' for Christ's sake." John said quietly but forcefully. She looked up at him and he just shook his head and left the room, headed for the hallway. Monica was silent, as was Barbra as they sat there together. Monica continued crying, until about fifteen minutes later she drifted off to sleep. At which point, Barbra roused her and helped her stand up, walking her into her bedroom. Barbra even pulled the covers about her.

"Thank you." Monica said softly, but Barbra shook her head.

"Don't thank me." Barbra said as she left the room and closed the door. Monica looked at the door, feeling exhausted but tried to remain awake. She wondered what the others were doing now...if Cynthia was ok. She started crying softly as she remembered the faces on her family...revulsion, anger, even pity. They mirrored her own soul and how she felt about herself, and had for a long time. Her plunge into religion was just a band-aid solution, so she could feel better about herself while still hiding the truth. Steve had been right; she should have told her family years ago. Even if she had gotten a divorce, at least it would have been honest, instead of the lie she had built around herself during the years. She wasn't pious...she was a lying whore, who not only drove her family apart, but down a road that she herself had followed. She continued to wallow in her self-pitying thoughts until sleep stole over her.

"Monica wake up." Monica heard through the fogginess of sleep. She then felt herself being shaken softly, and she opened her eyes. Barbra stood above her, and Monica noticed it was almost dark, only a faint glimmer of light came through the bedroom windows.

"It's late. It's almost supper time, are you hungry or thirsty?" Barbra asked her. Monica thought for a second, she was hungry, but she didn't want to eat, her emotions still a jumble and she thought that if she ate, she would only throw it back up. She shook her head at Barbra. Barbra reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, and she sat down on the edge of the bed beside Monica.

"Where are the others, are they eating?" Monica asked her, thinking they were having supper. Barbra just looked at her.

"I have some things to tell you and you have to listen, because I really don't want to repeat myself if I don't have too Monica. Do you think you can not ask any questions while I talk?" Barbra asked her and Monica nodded in confusion. "Your family and I have been talking the past few hours while you slept and they have decided on some things. John wanted me to tell you first that if you do want a divorce, he will give you one. You and he will split everything fifty-fifty, and you both go your separate ways, separate lives and probably not seeing each other again, at least not much after everything is final. IF...that is what you want?" Barbra told her and Monica had started crying a minute ago.

"I know this is upsetting Monica but you need to try and listen, it's important. He's leaving it up to you to decide, but he told me that once you decide and things are set in motion for a divorce, he won't go back and change his mind." Barbra told her quietly, speaking matter of flatly to Monica as she lay there, crying.

"Where is he, are the girls here in the house..." Monica started to say as she started to sit up, but Barbra gently held her back.

"They don't want to see you yet Monica, at least not John and Cassidy. You need to let me finish talking then you have a decision to make, a big one." Barbra told her but Monica still struggled to sit up and Barbra stood up and took a step near the door. "John told me to tell you that if you don't let me talk, you two will get a divorce...plain and simple, Monica! Now do you want me to finish or am I leaving, and go tell John you want a divorce?" Barbra told her softly, but firmly.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Monica cried out quietly, but remained sitting in bed.

"I'm not. John and the girls asked me here to talk to you, they don't want to, not yet." Barbra told her and walked back over and again sat on the bed. She touched Monica's hair, brushing it out of her face. "They don't necessarily want a divorce, but you need to listen to what I need to say, because whether you do or not is, up to you." Barbra told her, almost in a pleading tone. Monica looked at her for a few second and nodded quietly.

"If you two do get divorced, John said that you can never...I repeat never tell a soul about him and Cassidy, and that as long as you do that, no one else will ever hear from them about the things you have done. But he said that if you tell, a lawyer or anyone, then every business who might hire you will hear about your activities at the firm you worked at. John said he would get affidavits from employees there if he needed to. He also said your family would also get copies of any information of what you did. Your mother, sisters, and your brother...everyone in your family would be told. So John said you really shouldn't say anything to anyone." Barbra told her and Monica was crying, but she gave Barbra an almost hateful look.

"He also told me that if you guys get a divorce, you will never see Cassidy or him again if he could help it. Cynthia he said, could choose to go with you or him, it was up to her since she's now eighteen. Also John is selling the house, divorce or not, he isn't living here and he is going to move and get a new job. He said he didn't want to stay in a city that had so many bad memories." Barbra said and looked like she was thinking about what she was asked to say. "Now if you do want to stay married, John gave me a list of conditions that you would have to follow, or otherwise you two would then get a divorce and...well I already told you that part." Barbra told her and Monica looked at her in disbelief as she pulled out a piece of paper, and opened it. "Here are the conditions." Barbra said as she held up the paper...the list, to read.

"One. When you go out in public or any where out of the house, you are John's wife. He and the girls will treat you respectfully and with as much show of love that they can. They wanted to tell me that you will not be shamed, unless you talk about the situation with others. But while at home alone...just the family, that is, you will not be considered John's wife, nor will you act as mother to the girls." Barbra said and Monica gasped aloud.

"I'm their mother!" Monica said in disbelief, but Barbra shook her head.

"Not too Cassidy, and Cynthia...well she wanted to talk to you herself later. Please let me finish Monica." Barbra said and Monica looked at her in disbelief.

"Two. While alone with them at the house, you will address John as Master and the girls and me as Mistress, and you will be addressed as slave not as Monica or mother..." Barbra was saying.

"What! They want me as a slave? Am I supposed to be shackled or whipped?" Monica said, chuckling in disbelief at what she was hearing. "And are you moving in with them...I heard you mentioned?" Monica asked her, but Barbra just looked at her.

"I promise if you let me finish, more will be explained Monica." Barbra told her quietly.

"Fine...finish!" Monica shook her head, unable to understand what was going on. She was crying softly, but she was also angry that the others would suggest she be a slave.

"They thought that since you had so little respect for yourself that you should be treated that way. That maybe by starting this way, you could earn your respect back from them, but more importantly from yourself. You seem to have little regard for your own self, that you let a bunch of garbage bagged shitholes treat you like filth and a whore." Barbra told her sternly, but softly and Monica looked at her in anger, but which quickly turned to anguish and she started sobbing again, her body shaking as she did. She didn't even mind when she felt the other woman's touch as she moved closer and held her.

"They still love you; you hurt them badly, but no where as much as you hurt yourself. Honestly, John is offering you a beginning, for all of you. Trust me we argued for along time and Cynthia came up with some of these ideas. She loves you too much to just let anyone treat you like shit." Barbra said, softly stroking Monica's hair as she cried. "Yes, I'm going with John and the girls, no matter if you get a divorce or not. And if you want, if you feel sorry you stayed with him...them...us, then you can get a divorce then. You wont be a true slave...it's complicated and I'm sure things will have to be adjusted." Barbra said, trying to explain to her. Monica looked at her, still crying though not as bad as she had been.