All Comments on 'Hayley Loses Control'

Especially for a first story, you've done a good job. I like your use of unusual verbs to express the mood of a scene, like how wind 'rampages' across the street. The characters' internal thoughts added a lot to the story too, since none of them went on too long and we got to see why each character behaved the way they did.

If I have any complaint, it's that the narrator sums up the situation one too many times. Sentences like, 'Just minutes ago, he had been her prisoner, but now here she was, chained and helpless' are hot the first time, but they get repetitive quickly.

As another nitpick, this should probably be categorized under 'nonConsent/reluctance' and not 'BDSM.' BDSM readers take the difference very seriously.

Still, it's a delightful work. It was just the right length, and you established who these characters were and what their relationship was, hitting all the important details without getting into points that wouldn't matter.

It's tightly and vividly written. Good show!