All Comments on 'He-wolf Ch. 03'

I like the turn its going just don't get lost in the other stuff an forget ur main characters. A lot of other writers add to much n treat their main characters as seconds. So just be careful and keep on writing very interesting.

I like what you have added. I would suggest not adding much more new, but develop all the elements you have introduced. Is Jagger's mom gone now or will she cause more trouble? What is Tyler's problem and what trouble will he cause? Is Jagger a mythical creature? Is that why Alex was drawn to him? What forces will pursue Jagger and what will it mean for the boys? I could list a boat load more questions just from what you have set up. I'm eager to see where you take this.

Don't know if you have gotten and editor or a beta reader yet. It would help readability to clean up some. This chapter capitalization of proper names (people, movie name, etc) was an issue. Also problems with wrong similar word (where for we're).

Keep at it, Lucas! Writing is like a muscle-strengthens with frequent use.

Concentrate on your main characters. You're throwing in too much at one time and the story is going to get muddled. Also, the story really needs to be proofread. There are quite a few errors that make the story hard to read in spots.

I agree with Avid about keeping to the main characters. It's okay to mention Hunter meeting Bruce and him being his mate, but leave more detail than that for their own story. I also agree you need to get the chapters edited a bit better. I am glad you didn't continue repeating words at the beginning of many sentences. There are some things that a beta reader would catch for you, like did Bruce know about the werewolves? Or does he just think they are regular kids? If he does, how or why? I found it wierd that he was suddenly sitting on Hunter's lap and that Jag didn't even ask how they met. I take it that the other boys hadn't gone to school yet so he didn't know them from there. Don't know if you're going to make him one of these Chucial, but it seemed odd that he thought he might be one. you'd think that'd be the last thing on his mind. One thing that should have been first on his mind after finding out what Alex was is whether he could be turned. That'd be my first question. I'd also watch making his personality change so much. This was a kid who came across childlike in his repsonses in chapters 1 and 2. But, in this chapter he's telling Tyler off after hearing that Alex either mates him or kills him? He'd have been shaking in his boots the day before and there is just no reason for the change in him. Just keep an eye on continuity and get a beta reader who could point out places where it is taken for granted that the reader know something and they may not or where characters aren't acting like themselves, etc. I hope to see the boys get to know each other better and I hope you will focus on them and developing them as a couple and as individuals too. I am unsure what Tyler's angle is. At first, he seemed to be jealous and I thought he wanted Alex for himself. Then in this chapter, he was looking Jag up and down and acting like he wanted him. So, that is another thing I'd try to even out. Keep writing. Is Chucial something that you made up? haven't heard that term before.

cannd

HAPPY TO TELL YOU I MADE A FACE BOOK AND WILL BE POSTING DUE DATES ON THIS STORY ON THERE I WILL TALK TO ALL MY FANS AND TAKE IN THERE SUGGESTIONS WILL ASK FOR HELP AND WILL EVEN GIVE A FEW PEOPLE SNEAK PEEKS SO PLEASE ADD ME Luki Rhoads PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID TO TALK TO ME I LOVE HAVING NEW FRIENDS PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY STORY IM BEGGING SERIOUSLY IM BEGGING

i like the story but the way u form your sentences make it hard to understand what they're saying, so basically needs better grammer

LITTLE ONE . YOUR STORY IS GOOD ! BUT SWEETIE ! YOU MUST WRITE, RE-WRITE, AND RE-WRITE SOME MORE ON PAPER FIRST ! TO GET YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURES AND PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR RIGHT. THEN YOU MUST READ AND RE-READ EVERYTHING ! TO GET THE FINAL PRODUCT PERFECT FIRST BEFORE YOU TYPE IT INTO HERE. HAVE SOMEONE READ OVER YOUR WORK ALSO. TO SEE IF YOUR STORY FLOWS AND IS WRITTEN WELL AND HAVE THEM DOUBLE CHECK YOUR EDITING ABILITIES. ALSO REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR CORE STORY SOLID BEFORE YOU BRANCH OFF INTO ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS AND SETTINGS AND THEMES ! REMEMBER YOU WANT TO CAPTURE YOUR AUDIENCE WITH THE MAGIC OF YOUR WORLDS THAT YOU ENVISION AND WANT TO SHARE. BUT HOW CAN THEY BE SO ENRAPTURED AND ENGROSSED AND CARRIED AWAY BY YOUR TALENT. IF THE FLOW OF WHAT YOU WRITE KEEPS STUTTERING. DRAGGING THEM OUT OF THE EUPHORIA OF YOUR GREAT STORY. BY HAVING THEM READ AND RE-READ EVERY LINE AGAIN. JUST TO DECIPHER THE WORDING OF YOUR MESSED UP WORDS AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE. I HOPE THIS ADVICE HELPS YOU IN ANYWAY. THANK YOU ! OH !ONE MORE THING HAVE A GLOSSARY OF HOW TO PRONOUNCE AND SAY SOME YOUR NEW WORDS THAT YOU HAVE CREATED AND THE OLD ONES TOO. AS IT WOULD BE NICE IF OUR INTERNAL STORY TELLERS CAN PRONOUNCE THE WORDS CORRECTLY WITHOUT CHEWING US OUT FOR NOT FINDING OUT THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION FOR THEM. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOURS, BUT MINE CAN GET AWFULLY PERSNICKETY IF I HAVE TO BREAK OUT A DICTIONARY AND INTERRUPT THE FLOW OF A GOOD STORY ! PHEW !

Your sentence structure is really what keeps it from flowing.... I also feel like I missed quite a bit. Keep writing you will get it!!!!!!!

I like the story but have you thought about getting an editor to clean up some of the mistakes?

I wish I was Jagger

You have a few grammatical errors throughout the story which could turn some people off and there were a few moments that kind of blurred together and didn't flow to well. Your editors should have caught them.