All Comments on 'He-wolf Ch. 07'

You need to have an editor, some sentences just do not make any sense and it is hard to hold the story line together.

But at some point, you let your plot go to absolute shit, or just let go of it entirely. It's a pity, because this started with an interesting premise, then devolved into something very hard to follow. You need a solid plot line, a good editor, and quite a few rewrites to bring this story up to scratch, because I just can't understand what the hell is going on anymore. Remember-your readers can't see inside your head, they only receive the parts of the story you coherently write out.

Again very boring!! This isn't erotica.

this is my first story and im sorry it went to shit. i do have an editor and im sorry some sentences are confusing. but know there will a second story in another boys point of view.

Your story didn't "go to shit" – it unravelled a bit. Writing can be tricky, in that sometimes we have stuff in our head and we think we've got it down on the page but we haven't – not yet. It's your first story – it's good that you're being humble about it, but don't beat yourself up too much. Keep humble, keep working, and you'll get there.

Pause. In fact . . . STOP. Give it a week or so without doing any work at all.

Deep breath. Go back to chapter 1. Read from the beginning, slowly and carefully. Concentrate on what is ON THE PAGE, not on what is swirling around in your head. Follow the threads of your story, and determine where they start to unravel. Edit. Rewrite. Work on it, then put it aside completely for another week or so. Repeat. Remember, each time you come back to re-edit, make sure you're concentrating on what is actually ON THE PAGE, and not on the storytelling that's happening in your head.

"Writing" is something that can happen quickly, but getting it "right" generally takes a while. Don't rush it. You can re-edit your earlier chapters if you need to, and repost (just remember to tell Lit they're edited reposts). Work the story out in detail, and don't post anything new till you know you have the whole thing under control and heading where you want it to go.

We'll wait – we're patient. Take your time. Do the best you can, and when you get back, we'll do our best to provide constructive criticism.

PS – I would try to get "all the story" told in one – trying to tell the same story from different points of view in two separate stories may leave your readers feeling as though they've "read the story before". Write one good story, rather than two compromised versions.

Good luck

:-)

Writing is difficult and first stories are for learning and practice. The quality of your writing has improved with each chapter. I'm sure the editor helps (every author needs them, even the most experienced), but it is clear that YOU are improving. What I see as the greatest difficulty with the story is that you broadened the scope so much: so many characters so quickly, so many new types of creatures, so much action/aggression. First and foremost, it took us away from Jagger/Alex too soon and too much. The boy's relationship is what hooked so many of us. We want to see them struggle for each other, but it almost seemed there was no more them to root for.

Your cast of characters at the beginning of each chapter is helpful, but it is still a bit of work to keep them straight while reading. In future stories, think hard about each character before you add them. Do they really add to the story or are the filler? If they have limited purpose, action or dialog is there another way to get that idea into the story without adding another character? And does that idea add to the story in the first place? Sometimes ideas keep popping up demanding to be in a story (that's a better problem to have than NO ideas! :D). However, some of those ideas may be better saved for another story. It is a good writer's tool to write down these pop up ideas just as individuals and save them. They may fit elsewhere, or even spawn a whole different story. Ever stand at a dessert buffet with a bowl of ice cream and a choice of a dozen toppings? One topping is good. Two, maybe three of the right combo is yummy. All twelve give you a belly ache. :)

About 'erotica.' Eye of the beholder, here. Whatever you do, it will be too much sex, not enough sex, it was too soon, too long a wait.... . Many writers write masturbation stories. Many readers are only looking for masturbation stories. That's fine. If you want to write good, strong stories that connect with a wide audience, sex is the least of things. We want characters to care about and/or hate and a well developed plot to keep us hooked. If you don't yet, I suggest outlining you story chapters to help develop the plot flow and get it on track.

I am still enjoying your story and watching you grow as an author. I am sure others are also. I look foreword to more from you. *cyber hugs to you*

Your story did not "go to shit".

It got sidetracked a bit but its not a failure. Its a work in progress. Your ability to write will improve the more you stick to it. Just take your time,expand the points slower and let it flow. I think one of the problems was too many characters and events in such a short time.

Don't worry,your still braver than most of us who have never posted any stories. ;)

Got your note, Lucas: my pleasure, I assure you.

I see hk47enclave and Chin up Lucas! (anonymous) have added points, and I agree – backtrack a bit and introduce your new characters slowly, so that we can "learn" about them in digestible chunks. Keep some story aspects for other, different stories, and keep the number of characters in any one story down to what is needed to tell the tale. "Grade" how much you tell us about characters at different levels: main characters should feel complete, three-dimensional and real – we need to CARE about main characters for your story to be successful. Secondary characters need to have some "flesh" to them, and we need to feel some rapport with them, but we don't need to get to know them quite as well, and peripheral characters can get away with being "cardboard cutouts". Remember that when your readers come to this site, they tend not to have their brains fully engaged . . . they may be neuroscientists in their day jobs, but when they're reading on Lit, they're not into anything too strenuous. Stories, characters, emotions, style etc don't necessarily need to be simplistic, but your writing must be clean, clear, and easy to follow. There's a little trick you can try: if your friends know you're writing, they can help. Sit them down, and read the story to them as though they're 5 years old and you're reading them Jack and the Beanstalk. In other words, read it quite slowly, deliberately allowing time for full understanding. Then question them. If there's any confusion (and believe me, if you read them chapter 7, they'd be going "Huh?") you haven't finished editing yet. Almost all stories on this site are under-edited, so you didn't do anything that most of these writers didn't do before you. (I'm writing something too, but half of what I write (at least) gets binned in the editing.) Step number 1 is imaginative writing. Step no 2 is thorough editing, to ensure that the story in your imagination has translated properly to the page. It isn't easy – which is why most of us reading here haven't done it yet. Where you feel you've received useful advice, copy and paste it into an easily accessible document on your computer, and refer to it again as needed. You'll get some surprisingly good advice here, if you're willing to take it.

:-)

PS - If you're thinking this is an awful lot of work to do for a free site of this nature, you're right, it is. But you're not just working for this story, or this site - use this as practice, to get "fit", and a few years down the line, you'll be publishing your stories to Smashwords and similar sites, and you'll be getting paid for them. The more good stories you have for sale, the more you'll earn, and good stories only come with practice. There is A Plan . . .

I read only the couple of comments below mine. I gather you seem concerned about your story. What you really need to help is a group of beta readers. The writers on this site who are now published are using several of them. They are the people who can give you opinions of holes to fill, places to slow down, a comment about things that are unclear. That is what you need to take these chapters and improve them. As I said, the writers who are professionals use several and it should be the same for anyone who writes. The reality is, that free or not, you are putting alot into your story. I'm sure you put tons of time and thought and heart into it. So when you submit it you want it to be in the best form. Pick people who are seemingly fans of what you write and make comments that help you and ask them if they can read it when you're done. I think the best way is to use Word and they can go to the 'review' tab on the top....highlight what they are commenting on and 'add a comment' which puts a little bubble on the side and they can write what they think. Then you can go through each person's comments and use what you can. A good beta reader might be willing to look at it again after you make changes and ask how it seems then.

As for my comments on this, if you wanted me to say one sentence about how I think it can be improved, it would be to pace it slower. You are racing to move the plot forward in my opinion and not explaining things fully or maybe finding ways to give information through conversations between your characters. I think in your effort to put it in first person from the view point of both characters, you are having the story based on thoughts the characters are having. As a result, we don't know alot of what is going on around them. There are so many missing explainations. For example, though Gur is a secondary character, I think he has a part to play, but honestly, I'm not clear on why he is in the story. He said he was invisible and he was a pixie protector...a wolf. He said he could help Alex. Then he mentions being a cellmate with him....so when did it change from 'i dont leave my charges' to he went into the jail with him? And why was he brought in? What did he help Alex with? Why is he at the compound? I think first person is a bit limiting in a story that has so many other interesting characters involved, because you are tied down to that person's experiences and thoughts and words...You could have Gur answer \for Jagger so we all know these answers though. That is a small part of the story, but it serves as an example of where this could be slowed down and more info given.

Another issue: what happened to Alex's 'sentence'. He was put in jail for going at the cousin who was alpha. So where is the alpha now? How did the pack get around him and continue to look for Jagger. And why would having Jagger there mean they can waltz in and take alex home? what happened to the alpha? Why is he allowed out?

So, there are many things like this that a beta reader can write questions and thoughts which will guide you in putting the info necessary and points where clarification or slowing down will help. I hope this helps. Don't get discouraged. Just work on it and be okay with getting help to do so b/c the successful writers know to use the help that beta readers and editors can give before they think about sending it off to a publisher. Good luck!

And then just a note (to all authors), thank your beta readers and editors when you do submit. We put time and energy into it the work we do and many authors never thank them publicly. It's nice to get some kudos when you help.

The horse is dead! I gently encouraged you as an anonymous member after your first chapter. A committee can't write a story. They can beg you to slow down the story, add explanation, thin down characters, and beef up others. YOU need to choose the advice given. YOU decide what & which you take. YOU need to write your story, give your character structure and a purpose to be included. Should you end up with an additional piece of burnt toast, buck up and try again. Bread is cheap and there are many people cheering for your success.

Yeah some bits leave me scratching my head but hey don't worry continue to write it as YOU want to and I look forward to reading the next chapter but please DO finish this tale I hate it when stories on lit go unfinished!!!

Please finish this story... I am begging you... Its a great story....I am looking forwrd to chapter 8

Why chesthairslave don't shut the fuk up... I hate to see pple coming on here wid dey negativity... Some of yall who talking can't do no better... Can't even write a proper paragragh if yall life depended on it... Lucas... Please ignore the haterz.

I You are going to criticize someone withe the intent to put them down or tell them their story is bad.... THEN GO SOME PLACE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate people that put down others!!!!! >_< >:(

Anyway.... This story is amazing and I do (yes I really /really/ do) hope that you continue on with the story no matter what any one else says about it, 'cause if it is negative then they don't know ANYTHING about good stories, yours with a little grammar and spelling check is (yes it really is) great!!!

Thank You So Much For Posting This Story Because I Really Like This!!!

If you can't make helpful suggestions, then don't say anything. Yes, there are some points where I felt the story got a bit confusing, but sometimes things are cleared up in the next chapter. The story and the characters all have a great deal of promise and it could be all the writer needs is an editor to help over the rough spots.

Please keep going. Believe me, there are plenty of truly bad stories that I stop reading after a few paragraphs. You are nowhere near there.

If you don't like the story keep you opinions to yourself and don't read it, go find some other story to read and leave those of us who do like it in peace to enjoy this authors tale.

I have been checking your posts since you posted chapter 1 like everyday to read the next chapter i love this story keep up the good work

Can't wait for the next chapter!!!!!!!!

ALL I know is that grammar can be teached but imagination and creative ideas cannot and you have a bright mind and story. Over all you are a great writer. And I really hope you finish the story.

All I know is that the this story is a whole lot better than mine. I gave up but you have talent where most don't keep up the great work. Hoping to see how this ends.

Your comment

ALL I know is that grammar can be teached but imagination and creative ideas cannot and you have a bright mind and story.

I think you meant to say taught not teached! Or maybe you need the grammar lessen.

Great story I can't wait to read more. Update soon

please please write the next chapter soon cant wait to read it

Kind of true blood twilight and buffy mixed together

Where is the next chapter I need my fix. >_<

Oh my gosh I just stayed up all night please please write the next chapter oh my gosh I must know how this ends!!!!!!!!!!!! Email me if you moved or something (; salcedosf-at-gmailcom

Hey guys guess what i found Lucas on Facebook and he says he is going to finish.the.story.just that he will be posting it on Wattpad instead of here. If you guys want to speak to him heres how u find him on Facebook go to search type in Luki Rhoads the profile that comes up is named Lucas Nicolas Ashen... He would love to hear from you guys... Yadiris

SOME ,FREAKIE NOTE ON A COMMENT BELOW ABOUT RUBBING YOUR STOMACH TWICK, NODDING YOUR HEAD THREE TIMES, ETC; ETC. TO ALLEGEDLY GET TO AN ALLEGED ENDING. I FEEL LIKE I GOT SCREWED BY SOMEONE'S SICK JOKE.

I MISTAKENLY RATED IT A 5 WHEN I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND RATE IT A ZERO TO A NEGATIVE FIVE

NEXT TIME, TELL ME SO I DON'T BOTHER WASTING MY TIME.

WITH AUTHORS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIEST.

IF THERE TRULY IS AN ENDING TO THIS STORY, PLEASE SEND ME THE CITEMCONNECTOR.

MACK

BMCLAW@ZEBRA.NET

Hey writer, where's the rest of story ?

First off, I compliment you on your writing improvement. It is so much better than chapter one. I would also like to say that your story is FABULOUS. I am completely in love with it. One problem though.

WHERE'S THE REST OF IT??

Dear writer,

First of all, your writing has greatly improved and I love the storyline!

Secondly, I believe that if you wanted you could turn it into a much longer story with more details.

Anyway, I would love to read the rest, and saw in another comment that you are posting on wattpad instead...

Could you please tell me what your username is, or at least the name of this story there?

Thanks a lot, and good luck with writing- with practice you'll become an amazing writer! (The ideas are already great, just some self-editing skills are needed :-D )

Greeting from a fan.

Where is the rest of the damn story? I hung on thru 7 damn chapters eagerly looking forward to finding out how everything turns out. And here we are, end of the chapters, but not end of story. You should state at the beginning that this is an incomplete series!!!!!!! I may have given the first chapter 5 stars even with the wretched grammar and punctuation, but I didn't favorite any of them. Good thing. Unless, of course you decide to finish it soon. Damn it!! That really sucks!!! Not a good way to keep readers interested. 😡😞

where is the rest of the story you cant start then stop

Please , continue the story!!

Your really cruel to make your readers this impatient.... Looking forward to your updates for really long time.... Write more, break a leg..

Happy reading your stories.

Aaaahhh. Why do you all send in stories before you complete them? Frustrating and getting very tired of stories leaving us hanging.

Seriously i just read it yesterday N' feeling like waiting for a decade for the next....PLEASE...save all of ur PUPS.....quick..

Hurry the fuck up with the following chapters dammit #@&\@#!!!!!!

I really hope you end up finishing this story a some point , I've read it through twice and it's really good. I hope you do finish

OMG! You have got to finish this story! I was so excited to get to the last chapter, anxious to see how it ended...and you didn't finish it!! Please finish this. I stayed with the story, through the growing pains of your writing because it's a phenomenal storyline. Please reward our devotion and finish this!!!!!

I need to know how this ends! Please extend it by a few more parts to. Thanks!

This is my new favorite thing on this website I need it finished deferred😞😞😞😞😞

Plzzzzzzz finish much love

You've lost your characters. I'm not sure why people didn't say this earlier, but you've lost your characters.

The main werewolf doesn't act like himself, it's not even a "feral" thing, nor is going feral explained at all, it's just that he's violent now.

The main hybrid animal doesn't act like himself, it's not just damage from living with others when he was captured, it's a bunch of heavily violent thoughts, suddenly being told he has a lip ring, dresses in black, gets some read lip biting habit, etc. It's all out of no where and just added, with no basis.

The other winged character just leaves the home he's had? No real explanation?

In the end most things in this story started falling apart about 3 chapters earlier and you've lost the character motivation, basis, information, details, descriptions, and reason for being.

The only way to salvage this that I could see, as ultra unrealistic as it would be, would be for the two of them to have some kind of mind link because Alex was more than just a werewolf and changed as well, this would then reduce the primal and ultra-aggressive tendencies in both of them, they'd revert to their normal selves, etc.

Instead, it's just constant hate of everyone, misrepresentation of everything, random characters being added, random characters appearing, and lack of any development.

So yeah, Alex and Jag can have sex again in the air and things can return to normal like he acted 3-4 chapters ago because magic sex with hybrid magic animals can heal the mind link or proximity can or hwatever, the gothic thing leaves, he gets rid of the lip ring he never had before, he stops dressing in black because it was never indicated he did that before, and he returns to his non-violent nature, which was the reason he even had powers, and as such should be destroying him right now due to him working against the nature of the "pure-hearted".

It was a C level writing at first, it's become E. Sorry to be blunt. This was what.. 5 years ago? Maybe it was a stage.

You’re just gonna leave us like this for 6 years really :(

Are you still writing?! Don't leave us hanging! Please

Story was very well done but you MUST finish this. Jag's mother needs to die as doe the Vampire Queen! This needs to have a GOOD ending! Thank you for your efforts. You have talent that needs to be expanded.

Yes continue this story and also let jagger able to revive the other family members who die to and let the whole family reunited