Hello Father

"I didn't stop until I hit the Atlantic Ocean somewhere in Maine. I don't remember much of the trip east. I think I threw all my credit cards in a river somewhere and paid cash for everything. My first memories of that drive were when I reached to ocean."

I looked over at Robert and continued, "When I reached the ocean, I just sat and looked out at the expanse. To this day, the only memories that are clear in my mind are me looking at the ocean and wondering how far I could swim before I would give up. How long before the waves would take me and erase the pain. I contemplated jumping into the water and swimming until I drowned. More than once, I stripped my clothes off, folded them neatly on the shore and walked into the waves only to realize that I couldn't do it. Darkness consumed me, but in the end, I wasn't even strong enough to kill myself."

"I continued on and slept in the truck and only got a hotel room when I needed a shower. I stayed near the coast and fought with myself daily about the final swim. How easy it would be, painless, and final. Unfortunately, I had a friend that committed suicide, I remembered that pain and questions that he left behind. And even with all my burdens, I couldn't do that to you and your brothers. I was a looser and a homeless drifter."

"I turned south and worked my way down the east coast. I wanted to conserve my money, so I got a job. I worked as a dishwasher in a restaurant in Annapolis. Stayed there for a little while then moved on. A couple of weeks here, a month there. I worked as a fry cook, waiter, and even drove a tram at Disneyworld for a couple of months."

"I was working in an auto shop in Atlanta when the FBI found me. Apparently, the feds don't like it when people with top-secret security clearances disappear. I was working at a place called "Al's Brakes." Al was a big guy, very typical of a mechanic. He always wore greasy, shirt with "Al" over the pocket, and an unlit cigar always in the corner of his mouth. After I had been there for about two weeks, I came into work one morning; Al met me at the door. He said that there were a couple of guys that wanted to talk to me and he escorted me into his office. Waiting were two agents. As I saw them, the fear and pain returned. I thought they would take me back. I thought about leaving, but before I could turn one agent spoke, "It took a long time to find you and we really don't want to do it again. Please sit down." I figured that they had guns, so I sat."

"They never did give me their names. Then in the usual government fashion, they began to question me. I should say interrogate would be a better word. I had dealt with feds and security checks numerous times and they did not intimidate me as much as they used to. They asked what happened and why did I leave. I answered that my wife and I had a disagreement and that I could no longer live with her. After some back and forth, they left it at that. The taller one stated that they would report to the government that they found me. I asked if they were going to report it to my wife and he said, "No." My wife was not a concern of theirs. I was sure they knew the reason I left."

"They reminded me of my confidentiality agreements and gave me the usual implied threats. I thanked them and they left. On the way out, the shorter agent turned and said, "I understand. I'm sorry." I saw pain in his eyes. I nodded and nothing more was said. Back to work, Al had a brake job for me. I don't think Al trusted me after that and I left a week later. I always assumed that the feds kept tabs on me after that, and every once in a while, one would pop up to check on me. I just think they wanted to make sure that I wasn't spilling any secrets. I had my own issues. I barely spoke to anybody. I could not think of a single conversation I had had since I left. Talking to somebody or passing on their secrets was far from a possibility. I was damaged. I think people saw this and left me alone."

"I was on the east coast for about a year before I headed west. New Orleans, Houston, Kansas City, Phoenix, and then the Pacific Ocean. Worked some. Thought some. Cried a lot. I tried to remember anything in our past that was said, anything missed. Anybody. I could not. I recalled every conversation with her. Every insult. What did I do wrong? Every good time, every bad. I did not see it. I wondered how you boys were doing. I did miss you. But I could not face you with what I now knew. By the end of the second year. Some of the pain was gone. I only cried on most nights. Some days, I had a good ten minutes of peace."

"I began to piece tighter things from our past. Sandy had a co-worker named Robert. I met him a couple of times. Asshole. I never did like him and at the time I could not say why. I had met another co-worker named Randy. Same thing. She had a close girlfriend named Susan, and I remembered her boyfriend was named Michael. I recalled Susan saying how good a guitar player he was. He played in a rock band somewhere. Each remembrance killed me a little more. Facts revealed, but the reasons behind them never did. Did she do this intentionally? Why the names? I was in the pits of hell."

"On the West coast, I began to find a new peace. I found that I loved to watch the sunset over the ocean. I would find a spot in the evening and watch the waves and sun until dark. I watched hundreds of them. Each one was different. Each one allowed me new time to think, new time to remember. I felt like I was healing. Maybe the reasons would never be revealed."

"I found myself in Seattle. I was working as a waiter in a family restaurant when everything changed again. A couple of guys came in. They looked like nerds, pocket protectors and all. They laid out a drawing of an airplane. I gave it a quick glance. A small executive jet. As I waited for their order, I looked closer at the drawing. They ordered and I said "the air intakes are wrong."

"What?"

I said "If you change the air intakes you can increase the engine performance."

"How would you know" one replied.

"Just a lucky guess." I grabbed a napkin, laid it over the drawing and traced the engines and modified the air intakes. I took out a piece of paper and did some quick calculations.

"Just by doing this, you will increase performance by about 23 percent."

They were speechless. "The landing gear is wrong too." I left to give water to table five. When I brought them their lunch, they didn't say a word. They did leave a good tip.

The next day, I was back waiting my tables. The lunch crowd was heavy and I was hustling. A guy in a suit comes in and sits in my area. I get him his iced tea and ask what he would like to have. He pulls out the drawing. I notice that my intake modifications have been added. "Did you do this?" he asks.

"Yep"

"You say the gear is wrong too."

"Yep"

"Can we talk?"

"Are you going to order something?"

"Your modification will increase performance by 22.7 percent. You were very close with your calculations."

"I guess I am out of practice."

"Can we talk?"

"Not now, I'm busy."

"How about later? It's important."

"Alright, I get off work at four. Be here then."

"At four, he was waiting by the door. He introduced himself as Brad Linsky and asked about my history and I told him that I did a little work with airplanes in a different life. He wanted more, but I didn't offer anything else. We discussed the landing gear. He then laid it all out. He and a couple of partners were developing a new executive jet. They had financing and solid orders when the jet was done. With my intake modifications, the jet could be profitable. They wanted more of what I had to offer. I told him that I would have to think about it. I didn't know if I was ready to get back a life."

"I thought long and hard for over a week. Was my past life going to come up? Was it an issue? Did I still have the pain? I sat at Pikes Pier and watched the boats come and go. I watched the sunset over the Sound. I decided to call him. The next day, Brad met me at the restaurant and a limo whisked us to the airport. One hour later we were on a Citation jet headed to San Diego. On the plane, I looked over some more drawings of their executive jet and made a couple more suggestions. Brad took lots of notes. I told Brad about my history designing jets. My married life never came up."

"In San Diego, we met with a couple of attorneys, drew up a contract, and the next thing I know, I'm a partner. My ideas were incorporated into the jet and some were sent to the patent office to be registered. One month later we were all set to begin serious work to finish the jet. I had to move to San Diego to keep up. The feds did stop by one time to talk. It was the same two guys that were in Atlanta, along with an Air Force engineer I had worked with in the past. They looked at what I was doing and reviewed the confidentiality agreement. They were not happy but they could not stop me."

"Work was progressing well when we got a call from Airbus. They wanted to incorporate my ideas in their next generation passenger jets. Then Boeing called. We licensed the systems and the money began to flow in. Every jet built would send us some serious royalties. After a year, I got a house on the beach and now I can sit and watch the sunsets every day from my back porch."

"I found that getting back to work, doing something I love, being wanted, was what I needed to regain my life. I have been here for almost two years now. We have turned the company into something respectable. Something valuable. I have buried myself in the work. There has been no one in my life for the past five years. This monologue is the most I've talked in five years. It has been lonely."

I looked at Robert. His face showed a sorrow beyond his years. Looking around, I noticed that it was dark. The sun had set. The sports bar was very quiet with only a few stragglers. Margo caught my eye then looked away quickly. She too had tears in her eyes.

"Well, where do we go from here?" I asked.

"I don't know." More tears flowed.

"Do your mother or brothers know that you found me?"

"They don't even know I was looking for you. Nobody knows."

"What are you going to tell them?"

"I don't know. I have to think."

"Well there is a great point that overlooks the ocean about a half mile west from here. I have spent many hours there watching the waves and thinking. " I asked if he had a place to stay and he said that he was good. Robert got up to leave. He looked ten years older than when he walked in. Slumped over, tired. His world was completely altered in just a few hours.

I didn't know what to do. Should I give a father/son hug? Handshake? He answered for me by grabbing my shoulders and embracing me. I could feel his tears on my neck. And mine on his.

Sandy had become a blurry history that I fight constantly to keep buried. But the boys were a different story entirely. I know that I was not their father, but I still let them down. They were, and still are, the true victims of this tragedy. For many a night, I cried for them. I was too weak to stay and help them. I hoped they would forgive me. I don't think I ever will.

"Can we talk tomorrow?" he asked.

"I'll be here." I replied.

And with that he walked out. I sat back down in a daze. My past life was now before me and I didn't know what to do.

Margo came over and sat down. She brought a couple of beers and set them in front of us. She took a big drink of one. We sat quietly for a long time. "I saw him come in with trouble written all over his face." She began, "I thought we were going to have to break up something. I stayed close in case he started something. I didn't mean to listen in. I heard everything." She leaned in and hugged me and cried. "I sorry," she whispered.

What was I going to do now?

*****

Edited by Barney R

I have been told that this story needs an ending. Unfortunately, I have not had time to write it. I envision Part II as Robert's story and the impact the affairs had on the family. Part III is Sandy's story. Unfortunately, like the father, I don't know the reasons for Sandy's actions.

In addition, I have begun on another story, so it will have to wait.

Thanks to Barney R for the edits. If errors are found, I assume responsibility. I made a couple of changes after his reviews.