All Comments on 'Helpful Roommate'

Sweet story. Just needs some tweaking that proofreading would fix. I would like to read more about these two.

Look forward to reading part 2 but please check grammer etc. otherwise really good job Thanks

"He didn't have a 6-pack or bulging biceps but he wasn't obese either. He was at content with his body image."

Looks like a small edit was needed. "He was content with his body image."

1. Suggest you find stories that you like, and think about what it is you like about them. The authors I've liked best have had so much STORY in their work. Neal Stephenson comes to mind. Little or none of it looks perfunctory; it's full of so many small, interesting observations. Unlike so many TV stories, where drama seems to be ramped up simply for the purpose of making us feel emotions and drawing us in, as an obvious technique, his always draw me in, in a very personal way. When you talk with a good friend, you're probably very interesting and engaging. Your personality probably comes through, and your friend wants to be with you. Imagine if you were reading something to colleagues; have you ever noticed how people put on this voice and pace of reading that sounds NOTHING like their normal way of talking? Some people write like that. I think I might be talking about voice, as used in writing. The more of YOU in your writing, the more YOU find what you're saying compelling and interesting, the better your story will be.

So, in this story, you tell me a lot of things I really don't care about. As I read the beginning, I see a lot of kind of boring details that don't really interest me. Filler, maybe. Somewhat necessary, to frame the story. But, not interesting. It also looks like that part wasn't all that interesting to write. All of that could be replaced by a shorter sketch of the situation, but in a way that you're interested in writing. For instance, you write a little about his father talking to him, but it's not a vividly imagined detail, so it does absolutely nothing to me to read that. Much of that section reads that way.

Also, more imagination. I don't believe this happened, and I don't believe it *could* happen, this way. You want a mix of drama, of things that interest people - so they have to interest YOU - and some semblance of reality; it needs to be at least vaguely believable. Some things that we read strike us as being full of truth, even though they're fiction.

"...the device in his pants... " Is that how YOU think of a penis? Does that get you hot? It doesn't get me hot to think that my penis is a device. Ok, imagine somebody uses a word for vagina that has no juice or power to it. Device is like that.

Dialog; It should read the way people naturally talk. It should be distinctive to the personality you're describing.

Your story gets better as it goes along. The dialog gets better, and you spend less time on unimportant details. She's a bit forward, and it's hard to believe she'd be all over him in a towel, or SO comfortable with him having an erection when he first turns over. And, I'm thinking, he's not so likely to be willing to turn over and let his erection be so visible. I don't know about other guys, but I'd be quite shy about that, in that kind of circumstance. My experience is, women aren't THAT nonchalant in that kind of situation. What would YOUR reaction be? I don't ask for my titillation; I'm saying it should be a bit more realistic. But, she DOES have an emotional reaction as she goes along, which reads as being more genuine. I like to think that she can't take her eyes off of it, that she attracted and disturbed at the same time.

I like her trying to get him naked, but I really doubt that inner, upper thighs are part of a normal massage. Yes, it's a fantasy, but some realism is needed, too.

I've talked about what didn't work for me; what does work is, it IS erotic. I DO like to think of some slightly older, more experienced, good looking woman wanting to get me naked. I'm thinking that women WOULD like the innocence of an attractive younger man. As a man, I like to find out what truly does it for women. Given that we seem to like sex so much more than most women, and that women seem SO much more critical of men, it's great to think that women actually do like it.

I DO like her getting cum all over her hands, but I'm thinking how erect penises point towards the upper part of the body, and I can't see how that could happen, unless she was massaging his lower stomach. But her main concern, after getting him naked, and massaging him until he comes is, he might not let her practice again? That's not what she would be thinking. She *politely* holds his penis to clean it off? Nah. She'd either be INTO it, or she wouldn't touch him. There'd be no concerned politeness about it, with the ultimate goal being to practice more massage.

She comes across as very sweet. I liked that about her. What also worked is that, because of your writing, I do have ideas about her. I have ideas about him, too. That's all good. But, they might be a little one dimensional. Nobody's ALL one way; people are more complicated than that. That's part of what makes people interesting.

Have you ever been with somebody when you could tell that s/he very much wanted sex. When you want sex, are you all sweetness and light? Write that from your feelings; it will be more passionate, and more compelling.

I apologize that this comes across as overly critical. It got much better as it went along, with very few boring details that I didn't want to read. I got a feeling for him, and for her. There were very nice, sexy things about it. I would enjoy reading more of your work. I do think, if you stick with it, and work on more realism and well-imagined, provocative details, you could get much better.

But, again, notice what you like about other good writers. I've seen a few in here that seemed like talented naturals. I don't know how they do it, but I think that paying attention to people like that will teach you things.

I just noticed; I assume you are a woman. I think that's because Julie was completely the aggressor. So, my advice to you to write from your feelings very probably doesn't work. In that case, you'd need to write from your experiences, along with your fantasies, about what women seemed to be feeling when they've been with you.

Thank you. I hope I haven't horribly offended you.

nice story, can't wait for part II

whens the part coming? very nice story.....:)

Develop this further. This story has a lot of potential.

Your story was good. There were a few times when you left out certain words that an editor would have caught. Also, it seemed like you could have been more descriptive in how your characters were positioned. After the orgasm, you said something that made me think that he was on his butt instead of on his belly. There should never be a question about the characters position, especially when he is getting a massage. But good work - keep it up.

This was a great story, very sweet but it had nice tension and buildup. Would love a continuation!

Would love to see this story continue.

I loved the story overall and how it innocently unfolded. I'm usually a big fan of first person stories because it "puts" me into the story, but really enjoyed this one. I can't wait until the continuation...